Nathan Bransford - The Forums

lexcade wrote:Dear Agent,

As though (I'd change this word to "if") waking up strapped to a table wasn’t bad enough, Dima wakes up covered in black fur, with a tail, and without a memory of who she is. Even the name she uses isn’t hers—she was “named” to avoid being called Number Thirty-one for the rest of her life.


Dima isn’t one to accept her fate as it is, but the Humani Project’s first success (It wasn't until I got to the end of this sentence that I realized "the Humani Project's first success" is Dima) soon realizes that everything is out of her control, including her panther urges to hunt the weaker and more skittish lab employees. The struggle between her human nature and the panther nature now residing in her DNA consumes her daily life. Though she desperately (This adverb comes across as cliche and overly dramatic in this context) wants to find the reasons behind her capture, Dima can only depend on her interactions with lead scientists Dr. James and Dr. Lorenzo for insight. Both have failed to hide a deep connection with her (What kind of connection?), and she relies heavily on the men’s scents to tell her what they won’t, using her panther abilities to piece together fragments of a past that she may not like, especially when she realizes that she’s fallen in love with Lorenzo and that the feelings had been there all along, waiting to be rediscovered. All of these final phrases are either vacuous or lackluster. What fragments of her past is she piecing together? (And you might want to ditch that cliche in any case.) And rediscovering an old love doesn't sound too out-of-the-ordinary - seems to happen all the time in books.


However, James’ efforts to break Dima’s rebellious nature turn violent and force Lorenzo to make a decision that threatens Dima’s search for her past. What decision? And how does it threaten Dima's search? Generalities don't work in queries; give us the specifics. More importantly, Lorenzo’s decision threatens to separate her from the man she’s finally accepted loving. Isn't that Lorenzo? So wouldn't it just be easier to say, "Lorenzo's decision threatens to separate her from him"?


DIRGE OF THE DESERT is a science fiction work complete at 117,830 words and is my first novel. Round this word count to the nearest thousand. Thanks in advance for your time and consideration.

[Personal stuff that might have something to do with book]

Sincerely,

[insert name here]

lexcade wrote:**Hey, folks! Figured why not? Everyone else is doing it, and I want to be one of the cool kids**

Dear Agent,

As though agree that it should be 'if' waking up strapped to a table wasn’t bad enough, Dima wakes up covered in black fur, with a tail, and without a with no memory of who she is. Even the name she uses isn’t hers—she was “named” to avoid being called Number Thirty-one for the rest of her life. I'd maybe reword . . . 'Dima - the name assigned to her - wakes up covered in black fur . . .'


Dima isn’t one to accept her fate as it is, but the Humani Project’s first success soon realizes that everything is out of nothing is in her control, including her panther urges to hunt the weaker and more skittish lab employees. The struggle between her human nature and the panther nature now residing in her DNA consumes her daily life.

Though she desperately wants to find the reasons behind her capture, Dima can only depend on her interactions with lead scientists comma Dr. James and Dr. Lorenzo comma for insight. Both have failed to hide a deep connection with her, and she relies heavily on the men’s mens' scents to tell her what they won’t, using her panther abilities to piece together fragments of a past that she may not like, especially when she realizes that she’s fallen in love with Lorenzo and that the feelings had been there all along, waiting to be rediscovered. This is a really long sentence that tells me nothing. How have they failed to hide a deep connection, and what connection is it? How does her ability to smell help her piece together her past, and what is it that she is discovering? This is something an agent will want to know.

However, James’ efforts to break Dima’s rebellious nature turn violent and force Lorenzo to make a decision that threatens Dima’s search for her past. More importantly, Lorenzo’s decision threatens to separate her from the man she’s finally accepted loving. The same goes for this sentence. I had absolutely no idea that Dima was being rebellious until now, and I have no idea what decision Lorenzo has made . . . I would have assumed that he didn't want her to know about her past in the first place. This makes it sound like he did, but now he's changed his mind.

DIRGE OF THE DESERT is a science fiction work complete at 117,830 yep, round up words and is my first novel. Thanks in advance for your time and consideration.

[Personal stuff that might have something to do with book]

Sincerely,

[insert name here]

lexcade wrote:
Dear Agent,

As though waking up strapped to a table wasn’t bad enough, Dima wakes up covered in black fur, with a tail, and without a memory of who she is. Whoa! that's interesting! Even the name she uses isn’t hers—she was “named” to avoid being called Number Thirty-one for the rest of her life. This sentence was a bit-off putting for me. Maybe you could try to shorten it or add it to the paragraph below by starting is as: "Officially named Number Thirty-One, Dima isnt' one to accept this fate." Or, you could make this the last sentence of the first paragraph and start the second paragraph here:

As the Humani Project’s first success, Dima soon realizes that everything is out of her control, including her panther urges to hunt the weaker and more skittish lab employees as her new DNA consumes her life . (Took out a sentence, condensed the first one.)In complete turmoil, Dima can only depend on her interactions with lead scientists Dr. James and Dr. Lorenzo for insight, yet both have failed to hide a deep connection to her. Dima relies on the men’s scents to tell her what they won’t, using her panther abilities to piece together fragments of a past. (There was a lot of info here that I cut out to make it tighter)

Dima’s rebellious nature turn violent and force Lorenzo to make a decision that threatens Dima’s search for her past. More importantly, Lorenzo’s decision threatens to separate her from the man she’s finally accepted loving; him.

DIRGE OF THE DESERT is a science fiction work complete at 117,830 words and is my first novel. Thanks in advance for your time and consideration.

[Personal stuff that might have something to do with book]

Sincerely,

[insert name here]

lexcade wrote:**Hey, folks! Figured why not? Everyone else is doing it, and I want to be one of the cool kids**

Dear Agent,

As though waking up strapped to a table wasn’t bad enough, (I think this would be a stronger setence without the "as though..." thing. Maybe incorporate being strapped to the table later in the sentence? Like "Dima wakes up strapped to a table, covered in black fur,....") Dima wakes up covered in black fur, with a tail, and without a memory of who she is. Even the name she uses isn’t hers—she was “named” to avoid being called Number Thirty-one for the rest of her life. (Cool concept!)


Dima isn’t one to accept her fate as it is, but the Humani Project’s first success soon realizes that everything is out of her control (all the preceding are pretty cliche and vague. "everything out of control" is used a lot in summaries and as a reader it is kind of a turn-off. Also, maybe put Humani Project's first success after Dina's name, so we get the connection right off the bat.), including her panther urges to hunt the weaker and more skittish lab employees. The struggle between her human nature and the panther nature now residing in her DNA consumes her daily life. Though she desperately wants to find the reasons behind her capture, Dima can only depend on her interactions with lead scientists Dr. James and Dr. Lorenzo for insight. Both have failed to hide a deep connection with her (I'm picturing some psychic connection. Is that what I'm supposed to be picturing?), and she relies heavily on the men’s scents to tell her what they won’t (like a lie detector? cool!), using her panther abilities to piece together fragments of a past that she may not like, especially when she realizes that she’s fallen in love with Lorenzo and that the feelings had been there all along, waiting to be rediscovered. (This last setence is waayyy too long. Separate the ideas out a little.)


However, James’ efforts to break Dima’s rebellious nature turn violent and force Lorenzo to make a decision that threatens Dima’s search for her past. More importantly, Lorenzo’s decision threatens to separate her from the man she’s finally accepted loving. (Too vague. I don't know what's going on. You had me at the hook, and I'm still interested, but this ending feels gimmicky to me.)


DIRGE OF THE DESERT is a science fiction work complete at 117,830 (round up to 118,000) words and is my first novel. Thanks in advance for your time and consideration.

[Personal stuff that might have something to do with book]

Sincerely,

[insert name here]

lexcade wrote: Yeah, it's a little long for my taste (then again - I'm not an agent...and did you see how super short I made mine?? LoL) I'll see if I can be of any more help....here goes:

Here goes:

Dear Agent,

After waking covered in black fur, with a tail, and with no memory of who she is, Dima quickly learns that her life is no longer hers to control. Even the name “Dima” isn’t hers; scientists “named” her to avoid calling her Subject Thirty-one for the rest of her life. I don't know how important this sentence is to the query itself, you could take out all together and it would still flow okay, but it you are wanting to include the "Thirty-one" thing, you could add it to the beginning of the next paragraph by saying something like "Labeled number Thirty-one by the Humani Project who has stolen.... The Humani Project has stolen everything from her—her life, her body, her freedom—and she intends to reclaim all of it. Does Dima have a last name? I realize that she probably doesn't because she namer herself Dima, but most query's include the first and last name, so it just looks strange to me.

As she searches for the reasons behind her captivity, Dima can only depend on her interactions with lead scientists Dr. Lorenzo and Dr. James for insight. Both have failed to conceal their deep personal connections with the woman Dima used to be, and neither is willing to talk (the words after the comma are pretty much saying the same thing as the rest of the sentence. You could delete it). Their silence forces Dima to rely heavily on their scents to tell her what they won’t; she uses her panther scenting ability to read their scents (again you are saying the same thing twice, the second part can be cut out, but this is the first time you mentioned panther, so I would move that to the first part of the sentence), which express more than they can and help her piece together the past she increasingly loathes. Once she realizes that she’s fallen in love with Lorenzo, the founder of the Project and the man she deems responsible for her captivity, and that the feelings had been there all along, her desire to find her past becomes pure need. If she had a role in the Project besides subject, she has to know about it.

The Humani Project’s first success must also fight to tame the panther nature now residing in her DNA. (Eventhough I know from the first query that Dima is the first success, you don't mention who the first success is here. You may want to mention this earlier.) With her two halves constantly at war, she struggles to perform insignificant tasks like climbing trees; more important tasks, like staying alive, fall to the panther until Dima can unite herself. <- I had to read this sentence twice to understand it, you may want to try and re-word it.) The panther’s strength and bravado also lead to Dima’s consistent mini-rebellions, which often leave Dr. Lorenzo withdrawn and lead Dr. James to punish her and any other Humani (nickname? again - the first time you mention it and it's a little confusing) who stands with her.

However, James’ punishments turn violent and force Lorenzo to send his precious Humani into the hands of his brother-in-law, who wants to shut the Project down, to guarantee their safety. (Adding another character in the query - the brother-in-law makes it hard to keep up. Is there a way to leave him out?) Lorenzo’s decision threatens Dima’s search for her past, which she feels is locked up inside the lab and the two scientists. More importantly, Lorenzo’s decision threatens to separate her from him, and that’s something she refuses to accept, even if it means sacrificing her freedom and potentially her life. Because I know from the first query she was in love with the good doctor, this sentence is okay. However, when you take out the love part and insert "she won't be seperated from him", someone who doesn't know why might be a little confused.

DIRGE OF THE DESERT is a science fiction work complete at 118,000 words. Thanks in advance for your time and consideration.

[personal stuff]

Sincerely,
Me

lexcade wrote:
Dear Agent:

After waking (up) covered in black fur and with no memory of her past, Dima quickly learns that her life is not hers to control. Her name, her daily schedule, and her decisions belong to the scientists behind the Humani Project. (Loved this hook. Such an improvement!!)

As she interacts with lead scientists Dr. Lorenzo and Dr. James, she uncovers a connection that extends beyond scientist-experiment. Her new panther abilities help her decode the men’s scents, which express more than they’re willing to (in words). Once she realizes that she’s fallen in love with Lorenzo, the founder of the Project and the man she blames for her captivity, her desire to find her past (her true identity?) becomes her obsession.

Dima must also fight to tame the panther nature now residing in her DNA. (So cool. :) )The panther’s strength and bravado lead to Dima’s consistent (not sure how I like "Dima's consistent." Maybe "countless" or another more number-related word?) mini-rebellions, which subject her to whatever punishment James sees fit. When those punishments turn violent, Lorenzo must send Dima and the other Humani to his ex-brother-in-law, who wants to shut the Project down. Lorenzo’s decision threatens Dima’s search for her past, which is locked up inside the lab and the two scientists. More importantly, Lorenzo’s decision threatens to separate her from him, and that’s something she refuses to accept, even if it means sacrificing her freedom and potentially her life. (Ooo, for extra drama, maybe put a period after "accept" and let the last bit stand on its own. Love this ending. I'm so hooked. And this query flowed really well for me; I never felt lost. Great, great job on revisions!!)

DIRGE OF THE DESERT is a science fiction work complete at 118,000 words and is my first novel. I have been writing since I was a child, and I’ve always loved a good story. I want to pass that love on to other people. [*]lame, i know. i'll work on something better.[*]

Thank you for your time and consideration.

Sincerely

lexcade wrote: Dear Agent:

After waking covered in black fur and with no memory of her past, Dima quickly learns that her life is not hers to control. Her name, her daily schedule, and her decisions belong to the scientists behind the Humani Project. I think you should come right out with the panther thing. Black fur can be anything, really. Cats, bears, dogs. I really like the concept, and you should own it right out of the gate.

As she interacts with lead scientists Dr. Lorenzo and Dr. James, she uncovers a connection that extends beyond scientist-experiment. The section I've highlighted in blue is awkward, but also seems unnecessary. Instead of telling us there's a connection that extends beyond scientist-experiment, just show us the connection. Her new panther abilities help her decode the men’s scents, which express more than they’re willing to. I like this, and it makes me look forward to her other animal abilities. (I was such a wolverine fan growing up). Once she realizes that she’s fallen in love with Lorenzo, the founder of the Project and the man she blames for her captivity, her desire to find her past becomes her obsession. This sentence needs some work. First off, it's real pronoun heavy, especially the last 11 words. Second, how does her realization of falling in love relate to her obsessing over her unknown past? If there's a connection there, you need to explain it for this sentence to work.

Dima must also fight to tame the panther nature now residing in her DNA. Rock. The panther’s strength and bravado lead to Dima’s consistent mini-rebellions, which subject her to whatever punishment James sees fit. When those punishments turn violent, Lorenzo must send Dima and the other Humani to his ex-brother-in-law, who wants to shut the Project down. This seems abrupt. We didn't even know about the ex-brother-in-law, or his feelings about the project. Rather than introducing him earlier, I suggest making this more general. Like, Lorenzo decides to put Dima and the other Humani into hiding. Lorenzo’s decision threatens Dima’s search for her past, which is locked up inside the lab and the two scientists. More importantly, Lorenzo’s decision threatens to separate her from him, and that’s something she refuses to accept, even if it means sacrificing her freedom and potentially her life. I'm not crazy about "Lorenzo's decision threatens," and you've got it twice. Rather than focusing on the decision, focus on how she's in hiding and needs to go back into the lion's den to find out about her past and to reunite with Lorenzo.

DIRGE OF THE DESERT is a science fiction work complete at 118,000 words and is my first novel. I have been writing since I was a child, and I’ve always loved a good story. I want to pass that love on to other people. [*]lame, i know. i'll work on something better.[*]

Thank you for your time and consideration.

Sincerely

lexcade wrote:when i first saw all the red, i nearly had a heart attack, lol. thanks for the insight! i hope this works a little better.

remarkably, it's not as long as it looks, though the way it's broken up makes it seem longer. at least that's my theory, and i'm stickin' to it :-D

Dear Agent:
After waking up covered in panther Ok, I'm going to be a big pain in the butt, but I liked it when you had black fur at the beginning, and let us know about the panther in the second paragraph. It made me more curious that way.fur and with no memory of her past, Dima quickly learns that her life is not hers to control. Her name, her daily schedule, and her mortality I agree that decisions was a little weak, but I don't like mortality, because it makes it seem as though her life has always been expendable to those working on the Humani Project, and that's where your query builds too. It's only when her life is in jeopardy that Lorenzo sends her away. Is there something else really personal to her that they control, something that bugs the heck out of her? Maybe something about being strapped to the table... I really loved that image out of the gate.belong to the scientists behind the Humani Project.This hook is off the hook!

As she interacts with Dr. Lorenzo and Dr. James, she uncovers a connection that she believes extends into her human past. Her new panther abilities help her decode the men’s scents, which express more than they’re willing to in words. Once Dima realizes that she’s fallen in love with Lorenzo, the founder of the Project, her desire to discover the truth becomes pure obsession. How could she love the man who made her into a monster?I love this! Even though it's a rhetorical question it's not the "what would you do if you woke up strapped onto a table covered in hair" kind of rhetorical question. It's a philosophical thought, and most of those come in questions, right?

Dima must also fight to tame the panther nature now residing in her DNA. DittoHer newfound strength and bravado lead to numerous mini-rebellions, which subject her to whatever punishment James sees fit. Dima believes that his desire to turn her into a “prized pet” has something to do with her past. James doesn’t torment the other Humani unless she’s involved. He merely wants to break them. He wants to own Dima. Or kill her. This is so good. It sent a little shiver down my spine.

When James’ punishments nearly cost Dima her life, Lorenzo has no choice but to send his precious Humani into hiding. Dima will be safe, but thousands of miles and an entire ocean will separate her from her past and the man she loves. I love the entire ocean... so big... poor loversThat’s something she refuses to accept. Even if it means sacrificing her freedom and potentially her life.

DIRGE OF THE DESERT is a science fiction work complete at 118,000 words and is my first novel. I have been writing since I was a child, and I’ve always loved a good story. I want to pass that love on to other people. Now time to work on this little gem.
Thank you for your time and consideration.

Sincerely,