Nathan Bransford - The Forums

David Stricklen wrote:Dear Ms.

Near an old farming town there is a small but deep body of water called Blackwater Pond. No one has ever been able to reach its bottom. Townspeople have vanished at the pond as far back as Grandma (agree with shadow about being confused as to who grandma is. This isn't so much a problem as it is personal preference. I think starting with your MC would make this stronger.) can remember. And she’s positive something else is about to happen.

Sixteen-year-old Brian Hummel can’t help but roll his eyes at his Grandmother’s latest prediction. He’s made plans to swim at Blackwater Pond with his friends and his twelve-year-old brother, Tommy. In response to a dare, Tommy decides he’s going to be the first to touch the bottom. (I like how Tommy's actions reflect his age. It makes your story feel real to me.) Tommy’s impulsive dive becomes the fulfillment of Grandma’s earlier prophecy of doom.

Wrestling with grief, Brian can’t but help (help but) follow his brother’s ghostly voice, which awakens him in the night and compels him to enter the pond. Brian is pulled to the bottom into an underground tunnel (do we really need to know it's a tunnel? Maybe just stick with the doorway), where he finds a one-way gelatinous doorway, which leads him to a fascinating but dangerous world. (I think there is too much detail here. I love the word gelatinous, but if your goal is to trim fluff then it's gotta go. It isn't absolutely necessary to the progression of your plot.) There, medieval warriors worship reddish clouds (interesting!). Brian learns that the clouds are actually living, feeding, organisms. (combine 2 previous sentences) Brian believes his brother is somewhere in this strange land, and sets out to find him. He comes to realize that the haunting voice he hears does not belong to his brother. (how does he realize that? if you don't have room to explain, I wouldn't mention it.)

During his quest, he encounters the king’s (wait a minute, what king? Oh, medieval...so there's a monarchy, right? Cool! I'm a little slow sometimes, but maybe mention that there's a monarchy when you tell us about the medieval warriors.) brazen daughter Cassie. Brian learns that Tommy is scheduled to be sacrificed to the red cloud and pleads with Cassie to help him save his brother (Yikes!! Good conflict here.). She agrees—but there’s a catch. After she warms her cold-hearted father by taking Brian captive, she promises to secretly help them both escape. (Hmm...you said there was a catch, so I assumed she would be getting something in return. From this it doesn't seem like it. Maybe a turn of phrase to help with clarity.) The plan goes amuck when Cassie is caught trying to free Brian and Tommy from the tower dungeon. All three are then scheduled to be sacrificed (I'm so hooked right now.). Using a rope, leverage and falling stone gargoyle, they escape. They are led by the mysterious voice, to acquire a crystal key that will allow Brian and Tommy to open the gelatinous doorway (again, too many adjectives. Snip, snip, snip that fluff.). The cloud priest (huh? what cloud priest?) aggressively pursues them through hostile territory. They fight their way through deadly obstacles and meet the source of the voice and obtain the crystal key to return home. (Well, I'm delighted that you told me so much more about your story, but...now there's too much. It feels like a blow-by-blow and that doesn't flow very nicely. In a query you don't have to tell me every single thing--like them using rope and leverage to escape. Only include the most crucial points.)

Unbeknownst to Brian, the doorway was left open when he returned, and the priest gained access to Brian’s world. He captures Brian’s mother, and Brian must use the powers of the crystal key to defeat him. The priest is destroyed at the pond, even as the evil cloud bubbles up from below. Cassie and Brian’s friendship is developing into a kindling romance and she decides to stay in Brian’s world. Brian throws the crystal key into the pond and closes the doorway forever. (I know it's not technically bad to give away the ending in a query, but I personally don't like it. I'd rather see you end on a note of urgency, like how Brian's mother is captured and now he's got to find a way to stop the evil priest before he takes over the world and makes everyone write queries all day for the rest of their lives!!!!! Well, not that exactly, but you know what I mean. Leave me dying for more. But then again, this may be just me. Go with your gut and what feels right for you.)

My story fits into the category of magical realism. (Let the agent decide about that.) The story is a 41,000 word YA fantasy entitled BEYOND BLACKWATER POND.

As the former Chief of Police for the Ford International Airport in Grand Rapids, Michigan, I believe my life and times in police work have given me a sense of adventure and problem-solving skills that translate nicely into my writing. I would be happy to send you the complete manuscript. (much better closing!)

Thank you for your time.

Regardless, Brian won’t change his swimming plans with his friends and his twelve-year-old brother, Tommy. In response to a dare, Tommy decides he’s going to be the first to touch the bottom. Tommy’s impulsive dive becomes the fulfillment of Grandma’s earlier prophecy of doom.

David Stricklen wrote:Am I getting closer? (Yes, sir! :) )Latest attempt below...

Dear Ms. Readmuch

Sixteen-year-old Brian Hummel can’t help but roll his eyes at his Grandmother’s latest prediction. As far back as she can remember, townspeople have vanished at Blackwater Pond and she is positive that something else is about to happen.

If I was a first-time reader, I would be wondering what exactly the prediction is, even though it isn't necessary. I also think you could combine your first and second paragraphs. Here's a suggestion:

"Sixteen-year-old Brian Hummel can't help but roll his eyes at his Grandmother's latest prediction of doom in the dark waters of Blackwater Pond. People have been disappearing there for generations, but Brian won't let that or his Grandmother's ravings change his swimming plans with his friends and his...."

Regardless, Brian won’t change his swimming plans with his friends and his twelve-year-old brother, Tommy. In response to a dare, Tommy decides he’s going to be the first to touch the bottom. Tommy’s impulsive dive becomes the fulfillment of Grandma’s earlier prophecy of doom. (Opinion: I think you should make Tommy's disappearance more dramatic. Totally up to you, though, because this works fine.)

Wrestling with grief, Brian can’t help but follow his brother’s ghostly voice, which awakens him in the night and compels him to enter the pond. Brian is pulled to the bottom where he finds a one-way gelatinous doorway which leads him to a fascinating but dangerous world. There, medieval warriors worship reddish clouds that are actually living, feeding, organisms. Brian believes his brother is somewhere in this strange land and sets out to find him. He realizes that the haunting voice he hears is not his brothers. (Better!)

During his quest, he encounters the king’s brazen daughter, Cassie. Brian learns that Tommy is scheduled to be sacrificed to the red cloud and pleads with Cassie to help him save his brother. She agrees—but there’s a catch. After she impresses her cold-hearted father by taking Brian captive, she promises to secretly help them both escape. The plan runs amuck when Cassie is caught trying to free Brian and Tommy from the tower dungeon. All three are then scheduled to be sacrificed. After a clever escape, they are led by the mysterious voice to obtain a crystal key that will allow Brian and Tommy to open the doorway. The King orders an obsessed cloud priest to aggressively pursue them through hostile territory. They fight their way through deadly obstacles and meet the source of the voice and obtain the crystal key to return home. Cassie and Brian’s friendship is developing into a kindling romance and she decides to stay in Brian’s world. (I hate to say it again, but this feels choppy. It's this happened, then this happened, then this happened. And then this happened and that's not all because this happens. There's no suspense. I think that's the main problem here. There's not enough suspense. I'm thinking about how to add some...maybe play up the part about them about to be sacrificed? Like do they get gobbled up by a red cloud? Is it a painful process? Or how about what makes the territory so hostile, and how the heck are they going to fight the priest? Or, if those aren't your major conflicts, play up why the priest is so dangerous in our world. Does he have super cosmic powers? Show me the danger, I guess. I know, this is so frustratingly difficult. Bottom line: do what works for you. I'm not an expert. I haven't read your book, so I don't know the style or the exact working of things. Keep hacking away at it and make your query the way you feel best represents your book and your writing. If it makes you feel any better I had to write 21 versions of my query before I got to something I felt comfortable with.)

Unbeknownst to Brian, the doorway was left open when they returned, and the priest gained access to our world. He captures Brian’s mother and drags her back toward the pond. Brian franticly races to stop him while the red cloud bubbles up from below.

The story is a 41,000 word YA fantasy entitled BEYOND BLACKWATER POND.

As the former Chief of Police for the Gerald R. Ford International Airport in Grand Rapids, Michigan, I believe my life and times in police work have given me a sense of adventure and problem-solving skills that translate nicely into my writing. I would be happy to send you the complete manuscript.

Thank you for your time.

David Stricklen wrote:How about more suspense? I am going to jump off a bridge how would that be for suspense? (Oh, David, don't be melodramatic, lol.)

I am now trying this suspense angle. Better...worse...or give up Dave and go back to painting.

PS: Honestly, thanks for your different view points as I can't see it anymore, if you know what I mean. (totally do.)

Deep beneath the murky waters of Blackwater Pond lies an age-old mystery. When twelve-year-old Tommy Hummel swims to the bottom and never resurfaces, everyone in the small farming town believes he has drowned. Everyone, that is, except his (maybe mention that Brian is his older bro, so we get a feel for the MC's age.) brother Brian. Days after the disappearance, urged on by a haunting voice, Brian plunges himself into the dark waters, desperate to find his missing brother. Sucked through a one-way gelatinous doorway, Brian finds himself in a secret world, a world like no other, filled with spiked warriors and poisonous red clouds, which feed on humans. (AWESOME. I am hooked.)

Brian begins his quest and soon learns that the warriors intend to sacrifice Tommy to the oozing red cloud. Desperate to free him, Brian has no choice but to make a risky a deal with the evil king’s brazen daughter Cassie. She agrees—but there’s a catch. First, she will impress her cold-hearted father by taking Brian captive and later she promises to secretly help them both escape. The plan runs amuck when Cassie is caught trying to free Brian and Tommy from the tower dungeon. Suddenly, all three are scheduled for sacrifice. After a harrowing escape, they chase the mysterious (maybe use "haunting" again, just so we have a sort of trigger word for us to remember that this is the voice from the first paragraph.) voice to obtain a crystal key that will allow them to reopen the doorway. The King orders a fanatical cloud priest to aggressively pursue (maybe use "chase"? That is a good one-word description of pursuing aggressively, I think. I have a thing against adverbs with action verbs, though, so maybe it's just me.) them through hostile territory. They fight their way through deadly obstacles all the while being hunted by the obsessed priest. They arrive at the source of the voice and are elated to obtain the crystal key to return home. Cassie and Brian’s friendship is developing into a kindling romance and she decides to stay in Brian’s world, as they cannot bear the thought of separating.

Unbeknownst to Brian, the doorway was left open when they returned, and the crazed priest gained access to their world. He captures Brian’s mother and drags her screaming and kicking back toward the pond. Panic stricken, Brian franticly races to stop him while the red cloud bubbles up from below. (Great ending! Seriously, you've come a long way. I think this is the one! *tear*)

David Stricklen wrote:How about more suspense? I am going to jump off a bridge how would that be for suspense?

I am now trying this suspense angle. Better...worse...or give up Dave and go back to painting.

PS: Honestly, thanks for your different view points as I can't see it anymore, if you know what I mean.

Deep beneath the murky waters of Blackwater Pond lies an age-old mystery. When twelve-year-old Tommy Hummel swims to the bottom and never resurfaces, everyone in the small farming town believes he has drowned. Everyone, that is, except his brother Brian. Days after the disappearance, urged on by a haunting voice, Brian plunges himself into the dark waters, desperate to find his missing brother. Sucked through a one-way gelatinous doorway, Brian finds himself in a secret world, a world like no other, filled with spiked warriors and poisonous red clouds, which feed on humans. Great opening. Something small- I was caught up on the end of the last sentence, 'which feed on humans.' It interrupted the flow for me. It'd be cool to see a semi-colon there, but that could be my taste rearing it's ugly head, so feel free to ignore.

Brian begins his quest and soon learns that the warriors intend to sacrifice Tommy to the oozing red cloud. Now you've got 'the oozing red cloud' where before it was plural. Is it one big cloud that eats people or is it a species of people eaters? Desperate to free him, Brian has no choice but to make a risky a extra 'a' here deal with the evil king’s brazen daughter Cassie. She agrees—but there’s a catch. First, she will impress her cold-hearted father by taking Brian captive and later she promises to secretly help them both escape. I'm a little curious as to why the king's daughter would betray him so easily, but it's not crazy far-fetched. She is a teenage daughter, after all. The plan runs amuck when Cassie is caught trying to free Brian and Tommy from the tower dungeon. Suddenly, all three are scheduled for sacrifice. After a harrowing escape, they chase the mysterious voice to obtain a crystal key that will allow them to reopen the doorway. The King orders a fanatical cloud priest to aggressively pursue them through hostile territory. They fight their way through deadly obstacles all the while being hunted by the obsessed priest. They arrive at the source of the voice and are elated to obtain the crystal key to return home. Cassie and Brian’s friendship is developing into a kindling romance and she decides to stay in Brian’s world, as they cannot bear the thought of separating.

Unbeknownst to Brian, the doorway was left open when they returned, and the crazed priest gained access to their world. He captures Brian’s mother and drags her screaming and kicking I spy an inverted cliche! back toward the pond. Panic stricken, Brian franticly races to stop him while the red cloud bubbles up from below. Great ending!