Nathan Bransford - The Forums

Dear Agent,

Some people never know how good they have it until it’s gone, seventeen-year-old Ava Monroe knows firsthand.
She’s lost everything, gotten it back, then lost it again. Some of it was her fault. Some of it, she couldn’t control. Some of it…she can’t even begin to explain. The pattern began when she’s ambushed by a flock of fallen angels and learns that her bloodline renders the power to open the Garden of Eden and the Gates of Hell. She escapes the fallen angels with the help of Heaven’s guardians, who are hot angels trapped in twenty-something-year-old bodies. To ensure Ava’s protection they assign her a guardian angel, Ethan, who enrolls into classes at St. Agnes’ Private School and goes undercover as a student.

Ava isn’t thrilled to have a babysitter but it’s a small price to pay when she has the advantage of salivating on a piece of 24-hour eye candy but Ethan is more than that, he’s her thereapist, her connection to high school popularity, her protector and shoulder to cry on. Ava finds herself drawn to his angelic charisma and their relationship evolves into a smoldering romance. Just when she begins to feel eased about her new role as the Key, Ava’s best friend Erica is kidnapped and the fallen give Ava one choice, Erica’s life or hers.

KEY OF EDEN is a 70,000 paranormal romance.

How about this?

Dear Agent,

When fallen angels attack seventeen-year-old Ava Monroe, she learns that she is no average hormonal teenage girl—she is the Key to Eden and to the Gates of Hell.

The Guardians, Heaven’s elite warriors, save Ava and put her under surveillance. She’s required to spend 24/7 with her new bodyguard Ethan. He’s handsome, funny, and knows exactly what to say when everything has went to hell in a Christmas colored hand basket. More importantly, he will do whatever it takes to keep Ava alive.

With no social life under the Guardian’s rules, they agree to let Ava attend prom with her best friend Erica and two guardian escorts. What’s anticipated to be a night to remember becomes a catastrophe when the Fallen angels, disguised as high schooler’s, crash the prom and kidnap Erica. The Guardians and Ava meet with the Fallen where they make their demands known. Ava must sacrifice herself or watch her best friend die.

Complete at 70,000 words KEY OF EDEN is YA paranormal. I am a member of SCBWI and a contributing author to the literary blog Our Pages Aren’t Numbered.

I like the first one better.

I actually really like the second one better. I thought the first one had more generic ideas/cliches ("how good they have it until it’s gone", "lost everything", etc.) but the second one, for me, made the story sound more unique.

So, of course, its all up to you, and everything I say is just my own opinion, but I'm gonna comment on the second one:

geogstacey wrote:How about this?

Dear Agent,

When fallen angels attack seventeen-year-old Ava Monroe, she learns that she is no average hormonal teenage girl—she is the Key to Eden and to the Gates of Hell. Drama! Good. So now we're thinking YA. Got yah. So what does it mean to be the key to eden or key to the gates of hell? Hope we find out.

The Guardians, Heaven’s elite warriors, save Ava and put her under surveillance. She’s required to spend 24/7 with her new bodyguard Ethan. He’s handsome, funny, and knows exactly what to say when everything has went gone to hell in a Christmas colored hand basket. More importantly, he will do whatever it takes to keep Ava alive. I like the Christmas Colored handbasket. Because of the colors it's not just a cliche, and it's kinda funny. Although I do kinda wonder why Christmas colored.

With no social life under the Guardian’s Guardians' rules, they agree to let Ava attend prom with her best friend Erica and two guardianGuardian escorts. What’s anticipated to be a night to remember becomes a catastrophe when the Fallen angels, disguised as high schooler’s, crash the prom and kidnap Erica. I might make this more personal by leading the sentence off with "Ava anticipated" or something like that.The Guardians and Ava meet with the Fallen where they make their demands known. :Ava must sacrifice herself or watch her best friend die.
I know this is picky, but technically your first clause about no social life modifies the first noun in the sentence, aka "they". So the way you have it worded, they (the Guardians) have no social life.

Complete at 70,000 words KEY OF EDEN is YA paranormal. I am a member of SCBWI and a contributing author to the literary blog Our Pages Aren’t Numbered.

Ok, so my one problem is that I still don't actually know anything about what it means to be a Key to Eden or a Key to the Gates of Hell.

I was getting pretty picky with some of the grammar type things, but I always figure better safe than sorry. I am intrigued, though. I think this sounds like it could be a really interesting/fun book.