Nathan Bransford - The Forums

Dear Ms. agent,
Wars are fought to bring about peace.
When professional mercenary Taj befriends an ascetic and a philosopher he comes to know that life is worth much more than killing.
He leaves soldiering and returns to his hometown, promising not to indulge in bloodshed again. But things change when a civil war erupts and gunfire becomes the only mark of life in town, stopping all business and transforming it into a war theatre. Taj soon believes that the only way to bring peace back to his hometown is to become the cruel mercenary he once was.

A SKY OF STARS is a literary fiction, complete at 65,000 words. I work for the Afghan Civil Service Institute, providing writing and editing services, and live in Kabul, Afghanistan. Thank you for your consideration.
Sincerely,

Hi! Ok, let's take a look:
Wars are fought to bring about peace.Hmm...this is sort of understood. You need a more startling beginning to grab attention.
When professional mercenary Taj befriends an ascetic and a philosopher he comes to know that life is worth much more than killing.Maybe: When professional mercenary Taj befriends an ascetic philosopher, he learns life is sacred.
Watch your sentence structure-grammar and spelling are everything! (This is where you should start...)

He leaves soldiering and returns to his hometown, promising not to indulge in bloodshed again. But things change when a civil war erupts and gunfire becomes the only mark of life in town, This line confuses me-the only mark of life?stopping all business and transforming it into a war theatre. Taj soon believes that the word "that" lessons a writing's strengththe only way to bring peace back to his hometown is to become the cruel mercenary he once was.
Interesting...
A SKY OF STARS is a literary fiction, complete at 65,000 words. I work for the Afghan Civil Service Institute, providing writing and editing services, and live in Kabul, Afghanistan. Thank you for your consideration.
Sincerely,The concept is there, but now you have to sell it more. The query should be about what happens in that first 20 pages or so, and is normally around 250 words from beginning to end. Try adding more detail, and read some book jackets to see how to "sell" the story. Good luck!