Nathan Bransford - The Forums

Need some help. Thanks!

In 1705 London, Peter Gray thought life can't get any tougher until he, and family are locked away in debtors' prison. His fathers business partner, Lord Banks, has unscrupulously laid a massive debt upon him in a rigged deal. Now he has a fight on his hands and it will take all his intelligence and strength to make things right.

He escapes prison with a little help from the proprietor himself, Mr. Jasper Slithe. Alone and hunted on the streets of London, Peter's senses become keener and he uses this in the betting houses to earn money. He uses his ingenuity and sword skills to keep his foes at bay. Often facing them in alleys, dark and deep, where he is so far, the only one to emerge.

He has two goals; keep Jasper paid so his wife and family can remain in prison and not be sent to an American penal colony. which is a death sentence to most, and to prove the man who bankrupt his family, a Lord Banks, did so illegally.

A lucky break at a betting club ensures the financial well-being of his family for at least a few years, but the hounds are close and he has little choice but to leave London. He gains passage on a ship with secret destinations. Once at sea and under the captain's confidence, he finds they are off to recover buried treasure, of which everyman will get a sizable share and he could pay off his family’s debt.

Peter's confidence is stabbed as he learns possibly several men aboard are under the employ of Lord Banks. Even on the high seas he finds he is hunted, but he knows not who. Peter only knows that the men he kills one by one have tried to kill him.

HUNTED is a work of historical fiction complete at 85,000 words.

Ok first this comes off as more of a synopsis than a query. At this point the only reason we would read the book now would be to fill in the details. Also, I warn you now, there are a TON of grammar, spelling, punctuation, etc errors in this letter. If you sent something this rough it would be the kiss of death for your story. I'm going to address these items, but even so you'll need to re-write this over again. I don't know how to do cross-outs, so anything underlined is deleted

itobias wrote:Need some help. Thanks!

In 1705 London, Peter Gray thought life can't get any tougher until he, and his family are locked away in debtors' prison. His father's business partner, Lord Banks, has unscrupulously laid a massive debt upon him in a rigged dealawkward phrasing and use of slang is questionable. Now he has a fight on his hands this sounds a little underwhelmingand it will take all his intelligence and strength to make things right.

With a little help from the proprietorhe escapes prison with a little help from the proprietor himself, Mr. Jasper Slithe. Alone and hunted on the streets of London, Peter's senses become keener and he uses this in the betting houses to earn money. He uses his ingenuity and sword skills to keep his foes at bay. Often facing them in alleys, dark and deep, where he is so far, the only one to emergethis is a very confusing and jumbled sentence.so life on the street makes you a card shark? is there a supernatural twist involved?

He has two goals; keep Jasper the proprietor of the bankpaid so his wife and family can remain in prison and not be sent to an American penal colony. which is a death sentence to most,really? is that historically accurate? that's actually rather interesting and a twist. imagine paying someone to keep your family in jail. and to prove the man who bankrupted his family, a Lord Banks,you mentioned him above already did so illegally.

A lucky break at a betting club ensures the temporaryfinancial well-being of his family for at least a few years, but the hounds are close and he has little choice but to leave London. He gains passage on a ship with secret destinations. Once at sea and under the captain's confidence, he finds they are off to recover buried treasure, of which every_man will get a sizable share and he could pay off his family’s debt. Ok, this paragraph's wording is very confused and jumbled, I'm not going to rework it any further

Peter's confidence is stabbed I don't think I've ever read or heard someone say that phrase.as he learns possibly several men aboard are may be under the employ of Lord Banks. Even on the high seas he finds he is hunted, but he knows not whoawkward phrasing. Peter only knows that the men he kills one by one have tried to kill him.I don't understand this last sentence

HUNTED is a work of historical fiction complete at 85,000 words.

As I said at the beginning, this comes off as a synopsis, not a query. Don't forget to include a line or so about you, if it's your first book, etc. Also don't forget to give some personal details about why you chose the agent you're querying as well, though obviously you can't do that for this posting.