Nathan Bransford - The Forums

In my novel I have my two main characters in a dialogue. They are at a place where the sexual tension between them is growing, but neither one likes the other (at least outwardly).
Here's the part where I need help or advice.
I have attached to the lines of dialogue what the person is "really" thinking or feeling, because as I said, they outwardly don't like each other. That's a lot of head hopping. But if the reader knows it's head hopping, does that make it OK?
I hate to have to change it, but if it's one of those rules that you simply never break, then of course I'm willing to rework it.
Thanks guys!

Is the rest of your novel in omniscient? Even it is, I'd say that's a risk of confusion. If it's not, then definitely don't head up.

J.D. Robb's (Nora Roberts) In Death series does that. She head-hops from one paragraph to the next sometimes, giving insight into what each character is really thinking. I've always heard don't do that, but I guess having published 200 novels the woman can pretty much to about anything she wants to.

Personally, it drives me crazy. I hate it when she does that. She's in Eve's head, they're arguing, and then we get a sentence of what Roarke's thinking. It bothers me every time I see it. I'm not sure if it would have bothered me so much if I hadn't been studying the rules of POV and narrative distance, but it sure does bug me now. However, my Mum doesn't particularly mind it. So there's the "it's all a matter of opinion" argument right there.

From what I've learned I'd say not to do that, though I sympathize with the disappointment and work it'll take to change it all. Best of luck!

While there are a few huge authors who head hop all the time and "get away with it" they are the exception, not the rule---and even with them there are people who hate it.

Don't do it. Trust me. I had to rewrite an entire novel to get rid of head hopping and as much as I loved the "know what each character is thinking at every minute" feel to the first version even I have to admit every scene was stronger in later versions when it was told from a single pov.

I assume you're alternating pov between two or more characters for the rest of the book. For the sexual tension scene (or for any scene, for that matter) choose which character has the most to lose in that moment and keep it in that person's pov. If you want to have both pov's for this particular scene do some sort of clean break (an asterisks break or a double line break) to indicate the pov switch then finish the scene from the other pov. Or, if it's super important, start the next chapter with the same scene retold from the other person's pov.

I know that's not the answer you wanted, but head hopping is a HUGE turn off for so many readers (and almost all agents and editors) it's really in your best interest to tweak the scene. And you may find you like it better after you do. Good luck!

The complexity of reporting two or more characters' thoughts in the same scene involves narrative voice as much as narrative point of view. John Grisham is a master of both. He changes from character to character viewpoint by stepped transitions that open and close narrative distance through developing a strong narrator identity and voice and distinct from character identities and thus voices.

Another method also involves narrative distance and voice. One character instead of a narrator is the reporting persona and his or her or its viewpoint is mostly objective about his or her or its thoughts no matter how deep or shallow psychic access is (psychic distance). However, that viewpoint character's psychic access to others' thought is by turns surface access only or conditional about deeper thoughts, perhaps subjective and speculative and certainly conditional. though, contrarily, the ideal reporting of other characters' thoughts is assertive and credible.

Begin with an observable sensation depicting an emotional reaction, visual, for example. It takes two or more emotional reactions, three ideally to establish a credible and readily interpretable emotional reaction for readers. An involuntary one usually flashes quickly and comes first. An intentional covering reaction or two comes second. Conditional mood modals, words and verb phrases, signal subjectivity: seemed, probably, maybe, would, could, should, might, if, and, in some uses, when, for examples. Then report the viewpoint persona's thoughts interpreting the emotional reaction cluster. Repeat after other sensations and other reactions and actions and dialogue cause further emotional reactions. Artfully reporting reactions and the thoughts interpreting them should be skewed and unpredictable. Signals get mixed in translation.

You know, I kinda figured you all were going to say that. *sigh*
Guess I know what I'm doing tomorrow! I have an entire scene to rework. Dang it! I really like it the way it is! Oh well, I'm counting on Cheeky's experience to be mine as well, and it will come all the better when I'm done. Thanks for your imput everyone. I read them all (several times) to make sure I didn't miss anything. You're the best!