SPURNED - children's fantasy novel

[theepicwinner]

Every family has a secret.

When a peculiar couple moves in to the derelict, uninhabitable house across the street, Mona Black, the only kid resident of the Dullest Place in the Universe, otherwise known as Wycherly Terrace, is certain they have something to hide.

What she discovers is something not only out of this world, but in another world entirely.

Mona’s new neighbours, the Beatniks, have uncovered a connection to The Other Place – a world just like this one, but backwards – in the bathroom mirror. A double of our own world, The Other Place is filled with our reflections: dark, malevolent doppelgangers this world was never ever meant to see.

No sooner does Mona discover The Other Place for herself when she finds herself standing in it. But while this first seems like nothing more than a cruel attempt by the Beatniks at getting rid of her, she soon begins to realise that her arrival here wasn’t so accidental after all.

Mona has her own secret. A big one. She just doesn’t know it yet.

SPURNED is a children’s fantasy novel and is complete at 40,000 words. Thank you kindly for your time and consideration.

[ellisrae]

Every family has a secret.

When a peculiar couple moves in to the derelict, uninhabitable [choose just one describer word] house across the street, Mona Black, the only kid resident of the Dullest Place in the Universe, otherwise known as Wycherly Terrace, [or as she liked to call it, Dullville, U.S.A/ The Dullest Place in the Universe, etc. I think restructuring the sentence makes it flow better and gets to the point quicker with less commas and breaks in the sentence] is certainthey[her new neighbors] have something to hide.

What she discovers is something not only out of this world, but in another world entirely.

Mona’s new neighbours [Mona's suspicious new neighbors, just to intensify their weirdness], the Beatniks, have uncovered a connection to The Other Place – a world just like this one, but backwards – in the bathroom mirror. A double of our own world, The Other Place is filled with our reflections: dark, malevolent doppelgangers this world was never ever meant to see.

No sooner does Mona discover The Other Place for herself when she finds herself standing in it. But While this first seems like nothing more than a cruel attempt by the Beatniks at getting rid of her, she [Mona] soon begins to realise that her arrival here wasn’t so accidental after all.

Mona has her own secret. A big one. She just doesn’t know it yet.

SPURNED is a children’s fantasy novel and is complete at 40,000 words. Thank you kindly for your time and consideration.


Overall I really like the concept of the mirror world and incorporating it into a children's novel. The title is also pretty amazing. The only big remarks I would make is sometimes your sentences could use a flip flop to get rid of the commas and just so they flow better, but overall this query made me want to learn more about Mona and her creepy neighbors, so thank you! Good luck!!

[theepicwinner]

Thanks ellisrae, that helps a lot!

[jaktt12]

I really like this. I think you did a great job conveying the tone of your novel. Really good humor. Here are some thoughts I had going through...

Every family has a secret. [I'd probably get rid of this. Seems a like a bit of cliched phrase, and your next line jumps nicely right into your story.]

When a peculiar couple moves in to the derelict, uninhabitable house across the street, Mona Black, the only kid resident of the Dullest Place in the Universe, otherwise known as Wycherly Terrace, is certain they have something to hide.

What she discovers is something not only out of this world, but in another world entirely.

Mona’s new neighbours, the Beatniks, have uncovered a connection to The Other Place – a world just like this one, but backwards – in the bathroom mirror. A double of our own world, The Other Place is filled with our reflections: dark, malevolent doppelgangers this world was never ever meant to see.
[Cool idea. Could have just been me, but some of the possessive phrasing threw me off ("our own world" "our refelctions"). Can you tweak so it's Mona's word and her reflections?]

No sooner does Mona discover The Other Place for herself when she finds herself standing in it. But while this first seems like nothing more than a cruel attempt by the Beatniks at getting rid of her, she soon begins to realise that her arrival here wasn’t so accidental after all.
[I think this is great setup but I'm wondering where it goes from here. From this, my guess is your query takes the reader through a third or half your novel. I'm wondering where the story goes once she gets to The Other Place.]

Mona has her own secret. A big one. She just doesn’t know it yet. [This is good, but maybe give the read a little more. How does her secret relate to The Other Place and what she has to do once she's there?]

SPURNED is a children’s fantasy novel and is complete at 40,000 words. Thank you kindly for your time and consideration.

Sounds like a fun novel. Just my thoughts on it. Hope they help!

[theepicwinner]

Thank you jaktt12, I really appreciate the help!

[writersink]

Every family has a secret. I agree with jak. This is pretty cliche.

When a peculiar couple moves in to the derelict, uninhabitable house across the street, Mona Black, the only kid resident of the Dullest Place in the Universe, otherwise known as Wycherly Terrace, why do we need this information? Seems a little run on is certain they have something to hide.

What she discovers is something not only out of this world, but in another world entirely.

Mona’s new neighbours, the Beatniks so, are they the good guys or the bad guys?, have uncovered a connection to The Other Place – a world just like this one, but backwards – in the bathroom mirror. A double of our own world, The Other Place is filled with our reflections: dark, malevolent doppelgangers this world was never ever delete meant to see. "Our" is too general. This is about Mona.

No sooner does Mona discover The Other Place for herself when she finds herself standing in it. how did this happen? But while this first seems like nothing more than a cruel attempt by the Beatniks at getting rid of her why would they want to get rid of her? They're only her neighbours, she soon begins to realise that her arrival here sounds awkward wasn’t so accidental after all. How did she get there?

Mona has her own secret. A big one. She just doesn’t know it yet.

SPURNED is a children’s fantasy novel and is complete at 40,000 words. Thank you kindly for your time and consideration.

Nice premise. However, I feel this is all set up. Where's the conflict? What happens to her? Why are these neighbours out to get her? How does she end up in this Other World? Who are the bad guys here? What's going to happen in this Other World? How does this affect Mona? Why is it not accidental? Who is calling the shots?

[theepicwinner]

Thanks so so much for your help guys. Here's a revised version. I think I need to rework the last couple of paragraphs but I'm not entirely sure how to do so.

When a peculiar couple moves into the derelict house across the street, twelve - but almost thirteen - year old Mona Black, the only kid resident of the Dullest Place in the Universe, is certain her new neighbours have something to hide.

What she discovers is something not only out of this world, but in another world entirely.

Mona’s unscrupulous neighbours, the Beatniks, have uncovered a connection to The Other Place – a world just like Mona’s one, but backwards – in the bathroom mirror. A double of Mona’s world, The Other Place is filled with reflections: dark, malevolent doppelgangers her world was never meant to see. When Mona discovers this for herself the Beatniks, scared someone will learn their secret, force her through the mirror, trapping her in The Other Place.

In The Other Place, the sun never rises. On this side of the mirror, darkness is poison. It is the culprit of all evil. It seeps into your mouth; into your bloodstream; into your very soul, and turns you bad. In the early hours strangers roam the streets, faceless shape-shifters whose only desire is to kill.

After having her life saved by Victor Blume, the reflection of her merciless history teacher, Mona learns that The Other Place wasn't always like this. Until one day, almost thirteen years ago, this world was perfectly normal - well, about as normal as a world filled with reflections could be. For almost thirteen years, nobody has known why darkness fell.

Very quickly, Mona begins to realise that her arrival here was no accident. Not only is the dark unable to infect her, but the strangers, who fear nothing, flee from her. Desperate to get back home again, Mona returns to the bathroom mirror to find it smashed. Now that she's here, somebody, it seems, doesn't want her to leave.

Mona's thirteenth birthday is coming up. She won't get a party, but she will get a very big surprise.

SPURNED is a children’s fantasy novel and is complete at 40,000 words. Thank you kindly for your time and consideration.

[writersink]

When a peculiar couple moves into the derelict house across the street, twelve -but almost thirteen- year old Mona Black, the only kid resident of the Dullest Place in the Universe, is certain her new neighbours have something to hide.

Begs the question WHY?

What she discovers is something not only out of this world, but in another world entirely.

"Something out of this world" = quite cliche. "In another world" = seems pretty obvious. If it is out of this world, by logic it HAS to be in another world

Mona’s unscrupulous neighbours, the Beatniks, have uncovered a connection to The Other Place – a world just like Mona’s one, but backwards – in the bathroom mirror.A double of Mona’s world, The Other Place is filled with reflections: dark, malevolent doppelgangersher world was never meant to see. "dark and malevolent doppelgangers flows much better. Less repetition. When Mona discovers this for herself the Beatniks, scared someone will learn their secret, force her through the mirror, trapping her in The Other Place.

What is in it for them? Why do they have this secret? What does knowing about the Other Place do for them?

In The Other Place, the sun never rises. On this side of the mirror, darkness is poison. It is the culprit of all evil. It seeps into your mouth; into your bloodstream; into your very soul, and turns you bad. In the early hours strangers roam the streets, faceless shape-shifters whose only desire is to kill.

I feel like this paragraph is just a repetition of the one before it, where you show why it is bad. This level of description is too much. Move things on. Plus: why have you slipped into second person?

After having her life saved by Victor Blume, the reflection of her merciless history teacher, from what you've told me e.g "dark" reflections, why is this guy saving her life? Mona learns that The Other Place wasn't always like this. Until one day, almost thirteen years ago, this world was perfectly normal - well, about as normal as a world filled with reflections could be. For almost thirteen years, nobody has known why darkness fell.

Is Victor Blume an MC? Plus, the repetition of 13 years feels like a bit much.

Very quickly, Mona begins to realise that her arrival here was no accident. Not only is the dark unable to infect her, but the strangers, ? who fear nothing, flee from her. Desperate to get back home again, Mona returns to the bathroom mirror to find it smashed. Why didn't she do this from the beginning? I assumed it was smashed because you told me she was trapped there, therefore I already know she couldn't get back Now that she's here, somebody, it seems, I'm confused. Didn't the neighbours trap her in this place? Aren't they the ones who don't want her to leave? doesn't want her to leave.

There is a flaw of logic here. "Fear nothing" but they flee from her? Perhaps "who seemingly fear nothing?"

This last paragraph reads like a sypnosis. Plus you need to make it clear who the bad guy is in this story. As such, I get that this Other Place is not nice. She's trapped there. That's it.

Mona's thirteenth birthday is coming up. She won't get a party, but she will get a very big surprise.

SPURNED is a children’s fantasy novel and is complete at 40,000 words. Thank you kindly for your time and consideration.

This sounds like a story I would read, even if 40,000 words is a tad short for my liking. However, I feel like a lot of this is set up. Hook, main character, the problem they face, the bad guy must all be present in a query like this. You've got the main character, and you've got the problem they face (kind of.... what are the stakes here? Why must she help these people? To get home? Why would she need to help these people to get home? Does she even need to help these people? I don't understand what her "quest" is.) Where's the bad guy?

This needs to be more specific. You spend a lot of time describing things. Get down to the crunch: where is the conflict here? Is this simply a story about how she survives in the Other Place?

[theepicwinner]

To answer your questions:

Begs the question WHY?

The couple act very suspiciously, leading Mona to believe they are up to something.

What is in it for them? Why do they have this secret? What does knowing about the Other Place do for them?

Their job is to stop reflections coming into Mona's world. (Really, this is not their actual job, it's just a cover. We learn what they actually do much later.)

from what you've told me e.g "dark" reflections, why is this guy saving her life?

Contrary to what she discovered, not everyone in The Other Place is malevolent - it's actually the dark that turns people bad. Mr. Blume is one of the few who have found a way to evade the dark. (He carries a white rose which temporarily prevents infection.)

Is Victor Blume an MC? Plus, the repetition of 13 years feels like a bit much.

Yes, he's an MC.

The reason I keep repeating that is because it coincides with Mona's age. Darkness fell around the time time Mona was born. I'm alluding to the fact that when Mona turns thirteen, she'll learn something that intrinsically links her to all of this.

Why didn't she do this from the beginning? I assumed it was smashed because you told me she was trapped there, therefore I already know she couldn't get back.

She doesn't do it from the beginning because the mirror seals itself after she goes through. She only returns later on because she realises there may be a pattern to when it opens and closes. She doesn't realise this initially. Admittedly this is a pretty weak explanation and something I need to work on.

I'm confused. Didn't the neighbours trap her in this place? Aren't they the ones who don't want her to leave?

I'm alluding to the fact that someone in The Other Place doesn't want her to leave. If she finds the mirror smashed it would have to be someone in The Other Place that did it - her neighbours make very clear earlier on that nobody in their right mind would venture into The Other Place, themselves included. You're right, I need to make that clearer.

Plus you need to make it clear who the bad guy is in this story. As such, I get that this Other Place is not nice. She's trapped there. That's it.

You're totally right. I need to make this clear.

Basically, all of this comes down to whether or not I reveal Mona's big secret which, for what it's worth, is the following:

Mona is the only person who can return The Other Place to normality. As Mr. Blume points out to her, darkness fell thirteen years ago, i.e. around the time Mona was born (this is a connection I was hoping the reader would make from the query, but that clearly didn't happen). Mona's immunity to both the dark and the strangers leads Mr. Blume to believe she has the power to put a stop to all of this.

Eventually, Mona learns who is behind it all: her own reflection. This comes as a shock to her, and hopefully to the reader, too.

Thus, the reason reflections were trying to break into Mona's world becomes clear: to kill her. Mona's reflection, it turns out, is actually scared of her. She does not understand what, if any, power Mona has, and is wary of her. Thus, not only would she not dare to enter Mona's world herself, but she's been trying to have reflections do the dirty work for her.

The conflict, then, is the battle between Mona and her reflection. If Mona wins, The Other Place will return to normal. If Mona loses (dies), her doppelganger will be free to go into her world and turn that evil, too.

Should I reveal this in the query? I initially decided to leave all of this a secret because it's pretty complex and will further bloat the query. I'd need to do a lot of explaining in order to tell the reader who the bad guy is and where the conflict lies.

What do you think? Again, I am so, so appreciative of your help.

[writersink]

The couple act very suspiciously, leading Mona to believe they are up to something.

When they are first introduced, stick suspicious in front of their name. Or, you could say something like, "when the Beatnicks move in, Mona knows something is up. C'mon. Who screams whenever they see their own reflections?"

Their job is to stop reflections coming into Mona's world. NEED TO INCLUDE THIS. E.g Mona discover they are the guardians of the Other Place, a terrible world found in the reflection of mirrors. It can be really simple.

Contrary to what she discovered, not everyone in The Other Place is malevolent - it's actually the dark that turns people bad. Mr. Blume is one of the few who have found a way to evade the dark. (He carries a white rose which temporarily prevents infection.) When she is saved by the reflection of her history teacher, Mr Blume, she discovers that a few people have managed to evade the darkness (what darkness? need a one liner explaining this.) Turns out, the day she was born, everything in the Other Place when terribly wrong. Okay, this is rough, but you get the idea.

"She'll learn something that intrinsically links her to all of this." This isn't a blurb. Tell the agent the most amazing parts of this book. Sell it.

She doesn't do it from the beginning because the mirror seals itself after she goes through. She only returns later on because she realises there may be a pattern to when it opens and closes. She doesn't realise this initially. Admittedly this is a pretty weak explanation and something I need to work on.

On the reflection bit: Turns out, her reflection is hell bent on making Earth just like the Other Place. And now everyone expects her to do something about it, otherwise they won't help her get back home. After all, she should be able to get inside her reflection's head. Her, just the opposite.

Yeah, this isn't going to be easy.

No complexity. Just the bare facts (obviously I don't know what the actual bare facts are. This is just me taking a stab at it.) You need the hook. This reflection thing is the hook.

And on the neighbours thing: rather than them pushing her in because she discovers their secret, how about them moving into the house next to hers on the instruction of the reflection, and pushing her in so she can't do x in the real world? Otherwise, it being her reflection, and her being pushed in on the whim of some strange neighbours is a very big coincidence

Hope I've helped!

[theepicwinner]

Rather than them pushing her in because she discovers their secret, how about them moving into the house next to hers on the instruction of the reflection

Nail on the head - that's the real reason they've moved in. Mona learns this much, much later.

I'm going to take another stab at it and I'll post it here when I'm done.

[theepicwinner]

Alright, here's a new version.

When a peculiar couple moves into the derelict house across the street, twelve-year-old Mona Black, the only kid resident of the Dullest Place in the Universe, is certain her new neighbours have something to hide.

Mona’s unscrupulous neighbours, the Beatniks, have uncovered a connection to The Other Place – a world just like Mona’s one, but backwards – in the bathroom mirror. The Other Place is filled with reflections: dark and malevolent doppelgangers her world was never meant to see. When Mona discovers this the Beatniks, whose job it is to keep this world a secret, force her through the mirror, trapping her in The Other Place.

On this side of the mirror, darkness is poison. It infects people and turns them bad. And in the early hours Strangers roam the streets, faceless shape-shifters whose only desire is to kill.

When Mona meets Mr. Blume, the reflection of her merciless history teacher, she learns that not everyone here is quite as malevolent as she had been led to believe. She discovers that until one day, almost thirteen years ago, this world was perfectly normal – well, about as normal as a parallel world filled with doppelgangers could be.

Very quickly, Mona begins to realise that her arrival here was no accident. Not only is the dark unable to infect her, but the Strangers, who supposedly fear nothing, flee from her. Only she, it seems, has the power to end this.

In the final battle between all that is good and evil, Mona must face her evil self.

If she wins, the people of The Other Place might just get their goodness back.

If not, her reflection will break into her world and darkness will fall all over again.

SPURNED is a children’s fantasy novel and is complete at 40,000 words. Thank you kindly for your time and consideration.

I think the last few lines read a bit awkwardly, but I'm having a hard time transitioning from 1) Mona discovering she is the only one who can stop this to 2) her learning that the culprit is her own reflection.

[theepicwinner]

Okay, forget the last one, here's a brand new one from scratch. I think I'm improving but I'm beginning to worry I'm sacrificing my voice.

When a peculiar couple moves into the derelict house across the street, Mona Black, the only kid resident of the Dullest Place in the Universe, is certain they have something to hide. What she discovers is something not only out of this world, but in a whole other world entirely.

Mona’s unscrupulous new neighbours have found a connection to The Other Place – a world just like this one, but the other way around – in the bathroom mirror. The Other Place is filled with reflections: malevolent doppelgangers Mona’s world was never meant to see. When Mona finds this out for herself her neighbours, whose job it is the keep this world a secret, chuck her into the mirror, trapping her in The Other Place.

After evading the first of many cold-blooded killers Mona realises her arrival here was no accident. Not only is she invulnerable to the dark – the very thing that turns people bad – but the Strangers, faceless shape-shifters who supposedly fear nothing, flee from her. In a world where goodness has been stamped out, Mona, it seems, is the only survivor.

Now, Mona’s own reflection, the person behind all of this, wants her dead. If Mona survives, maybe, by some impossible miracle, The Other Place will get its goodness back. If not, her reflection will break into her world and a new wave of badness will spread.

SPURNED is a children’s fantasy novel and is complete at 40,000 words. Thank you kindly for your time and consideration.

[priya g.]

Okay, forget the last one, here's a brand new one from scratch. I think I'm improving but I'm beginning to worry I'm sacrificing my voice.

When a peculiar couple moves into the derelict house across the street, Mona Black, the only kid resident of the Dullest Place in the Universe, is certain they have something to hide.What she discovers is something not only out of this world, but in a whole other world entirely.

Mona’s unscrupulous new neighbours have found a connection to The Other Place – a world just like this one, but the other way around – in the bathroom mirror. The Other Place is filled with reflections: malevolent doppelgangers Mona’s world was never meant to see. When Mona finds this out for herself , her neighbours, whose job it is the keep this world a secret, chuck her into the mirror, trapping her in The Other Place.

After evading the first of many cold-blooded killers Mona, realisesthat her arrival here was no accident. Not only is she invulnerable to the dark – the very thing that turns people bad – but the Strangers, faceless shape-shifters who supposedly fear nothing, flee from her. In a world where goodness has been stamped out, Mona, it seems, is the only survivor.

Now, Mona’s own reflection, the person behind all of this, wants her dead. But why? does Mona's reflection belong to the group of bad people? If Mona survives, maybe, by some impossible miracle, The Other Place will get its goodness back. If not, her reflection will break into her world and a new wave of badness will spread. into her world meaning the real world?

SPURNED is a children’s fantasy novel and is complete at 40,000 words. Thank you kindly for your time and consideration.

I love the story! hope to see the new version soon. hope i helped

[theWallflower]

When a peculiar couple moves into the derelict house across the street, Mona Black, the only kid resident of the Dullest Place in the Universe, is certain they have something to hide. What she discovers is something not only out of this world, but in a whole other world entirely.

-I'm curious about what makes them peculiar. Show, don't tell.
-The first sentence is quite long.
-I'd start with Mona, since she's the main character. You could say something like "Mona Black is watching the new couple across the street very carefully. They just moved in to the derelict house..."
-The third sentence doesn't really tell me anything. It's too summarzing -- I need to find out what actually happened. What led to this discovery.
-"Dullest Place in the Universe" is a good line

Mona’s unscrupulous new neighbours have found a connection to The Other Place – a world just like this one, but the other way around – in the bathroom mirror. The Other Place is filled with reflections: malevolent doppelgangers Mona’s world was never meant to see. When Mona finds this out for herself her neighbours, whose job it is the keep this world a secret, chuck her into the mirror, trapping her in The Other Place.

-So is this like Bizarro Superman? Where Good Morning means good night and you cry at comedies?
-How are they unscrupulous? Do they steal? Cheat?
-I feel it's too summarizing here too -- how does Mona find this out? Did she sneak in?
-Also, it seems like the central conflict starts when she's thrown into the mirror. Maybe that should be moved up to the first paragraph.
-I'm having a real hard time imagining the tangibility of this Other Place -- it doesn't seem fleshed out enough. Malevolent doppelgangers is too vague.

After evading the first of many cold-blooded killers Mona realises her arrival here was no accident. Not only is she invulnerable to the dark – the very thing that turns people bad – but the Strangers, faceless shape-shifters who supposedly fear nothing, flee from her. In a world where goodness has been stamped out, Mona, it seems, is the only survivor.

-The dark turns people bad? Is it like our dark? You don't have it capitalized.
-Are there any supporting characters?
-What do the Strangers do?
-I'm confused: they chucked her into the mirror, yet she seems to be invulnerable to all the badness of this place? Wouldn't the neighbors want to prep her before sending her in, if it was "no accident"?
-This plot sounds very similar to Coraline.

Now, Mona’s own reflection, the person behind all of this, wants her dead. If Mona survives, maybe, by some impossible miracle, The Other Place will get its goodness back. If not, her reflection will break into her world and a new wave of badness will spread.

-What would prevent Mona from not surviving?
-I feel there's a lot of unneeded words in this query. For example, "maybe, by some impossible miracle,"
-I'm missing several ingredients from this query -- who is the main character? What does she want? And what is stopping her from getting it? Does she want to escape the Other World? Save it? Escape bordeom? Find out who the neighbors are?
-"new wave of badness" sounds like lazy word choice. And as far as stakes go, it's rather bland and vague.

SPURNED is a children’s fantasy novel and is complete at 40,000 words. Thank you kindly for your time and consideration.