Nathan Bransford - The Forums

This is my first attempt at a Query letter, please dissect it/critique it, etc. Any advice is greatly appreciated, thanks.

Dear Ms. ABC,

My writing partner and I found the ABC Literary Agency through Nathan Bransford's website and blog, and we couldn't be happier. We feel that with your background in Life Science, you can relate to little girls and bug phobias, which is the premise of our book.

Bridget is a typical five-year-old girl that loves dolls, animals and tea parties, however, she is terrified of all things buggy. One Spring day while playing in her backyard, a silvery butterfly flitted all around and scared her. Later that night, Bridget receives a surprise visit from that very same butterfly, Abby. She is surprised to learn that Abby desperately needs her help. With some butterfly magic, Bridget is able to fly with Abby back to her home and help her confront some butterfly bullies. Through some creative thinking, Bridget solves Abby's bully problem, learns that like humans, butterflies have problems too and she finds that she no longer is afraid of butterflies.

TITLE OF BOOK is a 1500 word children's picture book and stands alone, however we have ideas for a series with titles such as: FOLLOWING TITLE 1 and FOLLOWING TITLE 2. I am the co-author along with Bonnie Jones, my neighbor and close friend, and this is our first picture book.

We would be thrilled if you considered TITLE for representation, and a few other agents are considering simultaneously. Thank you very much and we hope to hear from you soon.

Best wishes,
Kristie Britt and Bonnie Jones

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Just a side note, Agency names and book titles were intentionally left anonymous...

klbritt wrote:
My writing partner and I found the ABC Literary Agency through Nathan Bransford's website and blog, and we couldn't be happier. We feel that with your background in Life Science, you can relate to little girls and bug phobias, which is the premise of our book.

These days, it seems, it is better to put this after the description. Most agents want to know right away if this is a project they'd be interested in, so get right into it.

Bridget is a typical five-year-old girl that loves dolls, animals and tea parties,

"...girl who love dolls...".

however, she is terrified of all things buggy.

Make this a new sentence, otherwise it could sound like she "loves dolls, etc, however" which is awkward and doesn't quite make sense.

One Spring day while playing in her backyard, a silvery butterfly flitted all around and scared her.

Subject doesn't agree. It reads like the butterfly is playing in the butterfly's backyard.

Also, it would be "flits" rather than "flitted." And "scares" rather than "scared." It's best to not change verb tense during the query, and to remain in present tense (unless there's a good reason for doing otherwise).

Later that night, Bridget receives a surprise visit from that very same butterfly, Abby. She is surprised to learn that Abby desperately needs her help.

A bit awkward, the transition between it appearing to the reader that it's a normal butterfly, and then realizing that the butterfly has a name and can (apparently) communicate w/Bridget. Maybe you could say as much in a few words (lo and behold the butterfly could speak, or could telepathically communicate, or some such. I mean, is Bridget surprised to have a butterfly talk to her?)

With some butterfly magic, Bridget is able to fly with Abby

Cool.

back to her home

Perhaps supply some context here. Is the home in the next field over? Another planet?

and help her confront some butterfly bullies.

Butterfly bullies? Sorry if the image of tough butterflies doesn't conjure up even child-size fear in me. How bad a problem is this really?

Through some creative thinking, Bridget solves Abby's bully problem,

Okay, but I would think Bridget helping Abby solve her own problem would be stronger dramatically. If Bridget is doing all the work, and she's a big ol' human, she could just capture the bullies and squash them, right? I know I'm now story-critiquing, but I'm trying to anticipate an agent's reaction.

learns that like humans, butterflies have problems too and she finds that she no longer is afraid of butterflies.

Being 1500 words, I'm guessing this is not an easy-reader-type first book, but the scope of the problems described seem to indicate a very young audience. You may need a bit more drama or danger there. Then again, children's books are not my main area of interest.

TITLE OF BOOK is a 1500 word

Hyphen after 1500.

children's picture book and stands alone, however we have ideas for a series

Good.

with titles such as: FOLLOWING TITLE 1 and FOLLOWING TITLE 2.

It is generally recommended to possibly mention the series idea, but not name titles. Focus on selling book one. You want the agent to request pages for the current project.

I am the co-author along with Bonnie Jones

Good.

Edit: if you are signing the letter with both your names, there's no need for this sentence. But probably it is best to leave it and sign the letter with just your name, since it is coming from your email address, and you are the contact person, apparently, at least initially.

, my neighbor and close friend, and this is our first picture book.

I'd omit this. Streamline the letter with the most important data. The rest can come later.

We would be thrilled if you considered TITLE for representation, and a few other agents are considering simultaneously. Thank you very much and we hope to hear from you soon.

I'd just say "Thank you for your time and consideration." The rest is implied.

Best wishes,

Sincerely.

This is a business letter.

Kristie Britt and Bonnie Jones

It might be best to just sign your name. See above.

Good luck with the project!

Quill, thanks so much for the critique! I really appreciate your help.

~Kristie

QUERY REVISION #1

Dear ABC,

Bridget is a typical five-year-old girl who loves dolls, animals, tea parties and building sand castles in her backyard. One day, a silvery butterfly flits all around the sandbox and scares Bridget who is afraid of all things buggy. Later that night, Bridget receives a surprise visit from that very same butterfly, who can speak and tells her that her name is Abby. She is surprised to learn that Abby is having a bully problem and desperately needs help. With some butterfly magic, Bridget shrinks to the size of a butterfly and flies with Abby back to her home in the forest across town. Through some creative thinking, Bridget helps Abby solve her problem and in the process, finds she is no longer afraid of butterflies.

TITLE is a 1500-word children's picture book and stands alone, however we have ideas for a series of picture books dealing with bug phobias. I am the co-author and this is our first picture book.

My writing partner and I found the ABC Agency through Nathan Bransford's website and blog, and we couldn't be happier. In reading more about you and the ABC Agency, we fell in love with the style of one of the illustrators that you represent, ABC. His water color, ink and pencil illustrations are our favorites. We feel that with your background in Life Science, you can relate to our story of a little girl and her bug phobias.

Thank you very much for your time and we hope to hear from you soon.

Sincerely,
Kristie

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Hopefully, with the critiques that quill gave, I've improved my query.

Much improved!

The why-we-chose-your-agency paragraph is a bit loose and wordy. If you could tighten that you'd have a winner of a query all around.

Thanks so much Quill! I really appreciate your feedback.
~Kristie