Nathan Bransford - The Forums

The theft of a painting makes the thousand year kipping secrets of King Dragonogard assurgent to life.

A page marker in a randomly picked book in his library, addressing a painting at Ming-Li museum, makes Sam eager to know about an unknown fact about Lord Dragonogard, the greatest of Bremingtonian kings. Before he could reach the museum, the painting is stolen. And his granddad -- one man capable of unraveling the Lord's mystery -- is also abducted, as he is the secret protector of Lord's secrets. Sam, decrypting the lord's secrets one by one, with the help of an author who wrote controversial books on Dragonogard, finally makes to the lair of the culprit to find his granddad. But he doesn't know that he'd face a scandalous truth there.

The Mystery, THE DRAGON'S WILL is complete at 108,200 words, and is capable of appealing Thriller and Mystery lovers.

Thank you for your time and consideration. Full manuscript is readily available on request. I look forward to hearing from you.

susruthanvesh wrote:The theft of a painting makes the thousand year kipping secrets of King Dragonogard assurgent to life.

Awkward: "kipping" and "assurgent" are too obscure for a tagline or opening sentence. I think by "kipping" you mean sleeping. I think you can drop the word, since its implied by the rest of the sentence. "Assurgent" is an adjective which you seem to be trying to employ as a verb. I'd find a synonym for it.

A page marker in a randomly picked book in his library, addressing a painting at Ming-Li museum, makes Sam eager to know about an unknown fact about Lord Dragonogard, the greatest of Bremingtonian kings.

Okay, but I'd drop "an unknown fact about." The two "abouts" seem awkward, and the clause doesn't seem needed.

Before he could reach the museum, the painting is stolen.

Be careful about changing verb tense mid-query. I'd say "Before he can reach..."

And his granddad -- one man capable of unraveling the Lord's mystery -- is also abducted

Okay, but could be punchier if you can say "the one man" instead of implying he is one man among several or many men.

, as he is the secret protector of Lord's secrets.

This can be omitted. Not important to the query, and feels like it interrupts the flow.

Sam, decrypting the lord's secrets one by one, with the help of an author who wrote controversial books on Dragonogard,

A bit awkward, the comma after Sam. Plus the author and books are not needed in this query. How about simply, "Sam decrypts..."

finally makes to the lair of the culprit to find his granddad. But he doesn't know that he'd face a scandalous truth there.

I think we need a bit more here, to finish the query with a bang. We need to know something of the challenge that faces Sam, the choice he must make, the crux of the matter. In short, we need to know what's at stake, and also what makes this novel unique. The description so far seems adequate, but does not highlight your voice or the uniqueness of the plot like it could.

Also, again, watch the verb tense. "He'd" is a bit odd. How about "...that he will face"

The Mystery, THE DRAGON'S WILL is complete at 108,200 words,

We need more of a genre identified. I have a feeling this is a Young Adult Fantasy, rather than a Mystery, but I could be wrong.

Also, round the word count to the nearest thousand (108,000)

Also, as you are probably aware, that is a high word count for a debut novel, even in the fantasy genre. I hope your writing is pure excellent. Or be prepared to pare down.

and is capable of appealing Thriller and Mystery lovers.

Awkward: "is capable of" is not likely to intrigue an agent.

And watch the typos: missing the word "to" after "appealing."

Thank you for your time and consideration.

Good.

Full manuscript is readily available on request.

Omit! Implied by dint of you querying and having a complete manuscript.

I look forward to hearing from you.

I'd omit this too. It's unneeded, albeit non-offensive.

I agree with Quill's remarks. I'd also suggest that you change the first sentence of the second paragraph so that Sam comes first, the actions come second. Maybe something like "Sam discovers a page marker..." The way it is now he seems sort of buried in that sentence.

Good luck with your query!

The theft of a painting makes the thousand year kipping secrets of King Dragonogard assurgent to life.

-This is rather meaningless to me. I don't have a reason to care about any secrets coming to life because I don't know what those secrets are. I think you need to start with the main character, and the inciting incidents that makes him want/not want something.
-What is kipping?
-What is assurgent?
-The name Dragonogard is a bit hard to read. Consider changing his name.

A page marker in a randomly picked book in his library, addressing a painting at Ming-Li museum, makes Sam eager to know about an unknown fact about Lord Dragonogard, the greatest of Bremingtonian kings. Before he could reach the museum, the painting is stolen. And his granddad -- one man capable of unraveling the Lord's mystery -- is also abducted, as he is the secret protector of Lord's secrets. Sam, decrypting the lord's secrets one by one, with the help of an author who wrote controversial books on Dragonogard, finally makes to the lair of the culprit to find his granddad. But he doesn't know that he'd face a scandalous truth there.

-That is a long first sentence.
-What is a page marker?
-So you've got Ming-Li and Dragonogard and Bremington. Sounds like a lot of mixed cultures that aren't mixed properly.
-What is that unknown fact?
-"the secret protector of Lord's secrets" to which he is bound in secret secrecy to keep secret. He works for the Redundancy Department of Redundancy.
-"finally makes to the lair of" makes is not a proper verb.
-Why does anybody care about Dragonogard? What are the stakes if this secret is revealed? What happens if it's not?

The Mystery, THE DRAGON'S WILL is complete at 108,200 words, and is capable of appealing Thriller and Mystery lovers.

-Mystery and Thriller is not capitalized.
-Also you use the word mystery twice in the same sentence.
-Also, appealing is not a direct verb. It should be appealing to mystery lovers.