Nathan Bransford - The Forums

This is from my romance novel: any feedback would be appreciated

Laurel checked the pockets of her suit jacket, held the pen, felt the handkerchief, and screeched when a hairpin penetrated her finger. Darn it. She had forgotten her mobile phone again. Walking down the road to Peter’s house, she held the file that said Confidential firmly in her hand. She never liked carrying a briefcase around. Besides, she was in such a rush she could not bother looking for one.

She had spent most of her morning trying to hide the black circles that formed under her eyes. Her sleepless night was the courtesy of the tall, muscular man that had looked at her as if she pained him. She cursed under her breath. Why hadn’t she forgotten him yet- not that she had not tried. He was the last person she ever wanted to remember. Those black eyes once looked at her sheepishly, as if he had nothing better to do than to stare at her. She had liked it then.
But last night it bothered her, the way he had looked at her. Did he still remember her? Was he trying to place her in his memory? Did he, at last, recall who she was? How could he? It had been five years.

Laurel gritted her teeth, trying to balance herself at the rocky path, she waved at the old man that smiled at her. His gray hair was brushed to the side, most of his teeth were missing, and he walked crooked.

“Hello Laurel, where are you going?” He stopped in his steps and looked up at her.

Laurel quickly approached him, and lifted his cane when it fell to the ground, while his eyes examined her tired face.
“To Peter’s house, Mr. John,” she said. “What are you doing out here this morning? Where’s your nurse?” Mr. John was one of the people that never missed his morning walks, even though Laurel had emphasised numerous times that he needed more rest than exercise. His frail legs trembled under his weight. She was acquainted with most of the town people, but they hardly knew anything about her. The old retired general now stood in front of her, smiling.

“She ran away.” He was amused at the shocked expression on Laurel’s face. “Why are you going to his house? You know what people think about you two,” he spoke in an annoyed tone that hurt Laurel, but she had learned a long time ago how to hide her true emotions, or so she dared to think.

“He said it was important. He has an important meeting with some Ryan Carter.” Laurel shrugged, recalling the urgency in Peter’s voice when he had called in the early morning, asking her to bring the file to his house. She had been working on them for weeks now. The A&A company were in a lot of financial trouble and she wished it would not go in liquidation. This was her only hope to keep her away from her past.

“Ryan?” The old man looked thoughtful for a long moment, and then he said. “Yes, that kid. I know him. He owns the town. Well, most of it anyways. His father was a good man. But this kid... he is... different.” He chuckled as he looked at Laurel. “Go now before that pig fires you because of me.” He patted her hand, which still remained on his cane, and turned back.

“Where are you going now?” Laurel raised her brow at him.

“Home, grandma. I had enough fresh air for today.” He replied in his soft voice without turning to her.

Laurel shook her head and took in fresh air. She was glad to know people in this town who actually cared about her. In her childhood, she had been thrown from one adopted family to another and then another. It was like a nightmare; a horrifying dream that she was determined to forget about.
Holding her head high, she began walking again to the house of the man who had helped her when she needed it the most. He provided her with a job and helped her find a flat. It was small on all accounts, but it was she who insisted on renting that particular one. She was not financially stable anyway. She needed to save up for a better future. She had seen worse days and did not want to return back to them.

Laurel checked the pockets of her suit jacket, held the pen, felt the handkerchief, and screeched when a hairpin penetrated her finger. Darn it. This jump of thought process does not seem natural: she goes from the hairpin hurting her to remembering her mobile phone She had forgotten her mobile phone again. Walking down the road to Peter’s house, Is she going there on business? she held the file that said Confidential firmly in her hand. She never liked carrying a briefcase around. Besides, she was in such a rush she could not bother looking for one. I think it would be best if at some point you referrered to her by name again, either here or in the next paragraph- the continued repetition of "she" is a little boring

She had spent most of her morning trying to hide the black circles that formed under her eyes This doesn't seem right. . Her sleepless night was the courtesy of the tall, muscular man that who it seems as though the man is a thing, not a personhad looked at her as if she pained him. She cursed under her breath. Why hadn’t she forgotten him yet- not that she had not tried. The repetition of the word off throws me a little He was the last person she ever wanted to remember. Then why is she thinking about him now? Those black eyes once looked at her sheepishly, what do you mean? as if he had nothing better to do than to stare at her. She had liked it then.
But last night it bothered her, the way he had looked at her. Did he still remember her? Was he trying to place her in his memory? Did he, at last, recall who she was? How could he? It had been five years. I don't yet know anything about Laurel, and this makes it hard for me to sympathize with her. However, this is getting interesting... I like where it's going

Laurel gritted her teeth, trying to balance herself at the rocky path, she waved at the old man that smiled at her. The wording of this sentence is dodgy His gray hair was brushed to the side, most of his teeth were missing, and he walked crooked.
This description puts me off
“Hello Laurel, where are you going?” He stopped in his steps Dodgy phrasing and looked up at her.

Laurel quickly approached him, and lifted his cane when it fell to the ground, while his eyes examined her tired face. I don't understand what's going on here- does she lift his cane? When did it fall?
“To Peter’s house, Mr. John,” How old is Laurel? She's addressing him as though she's in her teens she said. “What are you doing out here this morning? Sounds slightly stilted. Would someone really say this? Where’s your nurse?” Mr. John was one of the people that try: John was one of those people who never missed his morning walks never missed his morning walks, even though Laurel had emphasised numerous times that he needed more rest than exercise. His frail legs trembled under his weight. She was acquainted with most of the town people, but they hardly knew anything about her. Who is Mr. John to her? The old retired general now stood in front of her, smiling.
Wasn't he standing in front of her before?
“She ran away.” He was amused he seemed amused. Your writing is told from 3rd person limited, yet here it seems as though the narrator is omnipotent at the shocked expression on Laurel’s face. “Why are you going to his house? You know what people think about you two,” he spoke in an annoyed tone that hurt Laurel, but she had learned a long time ago how to hide her true emotions, or so she dared to think. Why does she hide her emotion? What do you mean by "she dared to think?"

“He said it was important. He has an important meeting with some Ryan Carter.” Laurel shrugged, recalling the urgency in Peter’s voice when he had called in the early morning, asking her to bring the file to his house. She had been working on them for weeks now. The A&A company were in a lot of financial trouble and she wished it would not go in liquidation. huh? she doesn't seem to care whether it does or does not (and I have to confess I have no idea what liquidation is This was her only hope to keep her away from her past. I'm lost. What's going on here?

“Ryan?” The old man looked thoughtful for a long moment, and then he said. “Yes, that kid. I know him. He owns the town. Do people say this is a conversation? It seems as though you have added this in simply to give information to the reader Well, most of it anyways. Why is this word a plural? I've heard teenagers do this to make themselves seem cool! It doesn't fit in with John's character His father was a good man. But this kid... he is... different.” He chuckled He's saying something mean- why would he laugh? as he looked at Laurel. “Go now before that pig fires you because of me.” He patted her hand, which still remained on his cane, and turned back.
From what you've told me, I thought Peter was someone she cares about, not her boss- why's she going to her boss's house?
“Where are you going now?” Laurel raised her brow at him. raised her eyebrows
“Home, grandma. I had I've had enough fresh air for today.” He replied in his soft voice without turning to her. I thought he was standing in front of her?

Laurel shook her head and took in fresh air Was she not breathing before? . She was glad to know people in this town who actually cared about her. Again, she doesn't seem to care. Try showing, not telling me that she's pleased In her childhood, she had been thrown from one adopted family to another and then another. Cut out It was like a nightmare; a horrifying dream that she was determined to forget about. Then why is she standing there thinking about it?
Holding her head high, is anyone watching to see her do this? Would it make a difference if her head was not held high? People generally tend to this when they're embarrased she began walking again to the house of the man who had helped her when she needed it the most. He provided her with a job and helped her find a flat. I though Mr. John called him a pig? It was small on all accounts, but it was she who insisted on renting that particular one. Why? She was not financially stable anyway. This seems a little random, like you've again just thrown this in She needed to save up for a better future. She had seen worse days and did not want to return back to them. Laurel keeps saying that she has had a terrible past, and that she never wants to think about it again... yet she keeps doing just that! Several of these sentences have started with the word she: it is quite off putting

There are a couple of dodgy phrases here, and because I don't know anything about the story, I don't know where this is going- however, I will say that I would continue reading! There are a few things I would like to find out more about, particularly that man that gave her a sleepless night!

When I read this excerpt, I could not help but think that there was way too much information crammed into a very small space. You are attempting to tell the reader instead of show them who Laurel is. Cut out all the stuff about her hiding her emotions and being shunted around in foster care and stuff. Backstory should be revealed slowly over time, not crammed into the first three pages of the novel.

I like the action, but often it is out of sequence or hidden behind copious explanation. Find the main action: Laurel wakes up from a sleepless night. She daydreams about a man. She is interrupted from her reverie when she meets her neighbor. Spend your words describing just these actions and cut out anything not related to the action. Instead of saying she hides her emotions, show her lips tightening the slightest bit, or her hiding her confusion and sadness behind a big bright smile, or whichever strategy Laurel uses. People hide their emotions in lots of ways; as a reader, I like to figure out who a character is based on the author's description of the character's actions and reactions.