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[Claudette]

CAUTIONARY NOTES ON FINDING A WRITING WORKSHOP:

Graphics
If there are photographs in the promotional material of the teacher behind a podium, holding recent best sellers, chatting with celebrities or a photo with their dog walk the other way. In fact, walk the other way if there are numerous photos of the teacher, particularly if they seem very well lit. (A personal note: I tend to be suspicious of bearded teachers, male or female.)

Testimonials
Watch out for overly long or numerous testimonials in exceedingly small font. Also, be on the lookout for praise personal in nature. Hints: "I'll never be the same" or "It changed my life for the better." If more than one testimonial is attributed to anyone named "Lance" (with no last name,) "Rainbow" or "Just Me" you need to be moving on.

Atmosphere
Lots of candles and (oh, mercy me,) incense. Many workshop leaders seem to feel these provide an ambiance conducive to writing. That being said, I would suggest that candles and a cloying fragrance which promises to linger in your clothing are risky choices. Also, seldom will a student find the time to light candles, since the muse is capricious and often in a big hurry to move on to someone who is paying attention. Further, finding incense that doesn't send every toddler, co-habitant and animal slinking away would be daunting.

Bodily Contact
The leader begins sessions with participants holding hands in order to establish a sense of camaraderie and trust. Though personal contact may make you feel wanted, connected and cherished, it might prove disruptive, even alarming asking your spouse or children to drop what they are doing and join hands each time you feel the urge to write. Additionally, I suggest you resist approaching complete strangers in coffee shops. Not only would the lengthy explanation cut into your writing time I can promise that re-arranging those little tables would alienate management.

Lingo
Watch out for code words like "journey," "embrace," and most particularly, "relax."
a) "Journey" is a lame substitute for the more vigorous "Man oh man oh man, how did I ever end up here?" or "What the heck is this character going to do next?" It takes all the juice out of any fortuitous misfires or kafufles bathing them in the deeply tepid glow of cliche.

b) "Embrace" is an exhausting and unreasonably forgiving verb guaranteed to dispel any conflict, inner disturbance or anything even resembling "story." There is also a strong possibility the practice could leach over into your personal life insuring endless hours of blindingly similar life stories shared by strangers. (More about "sharing" in another posting.)

c).This segues nicely into "relax" which I have found to be the most insidious notion of all. Who is kidding whom? There is nothing "relaxing" about art or craft. Rather, both are products of a splendid tension, a constant questioning, a fearful relationship with one's own "not knowing" and panic that handily fuels discovery.

Personae
If the leader reads copiously from his own work and/or if any of it rhymes, you may want to shop further. The same can be said for the leader who is on a first name basis with other authors,i.e., "My good friend Michael, (Chabon, you know...) " "I was just chatting the other day to Ursula K., (Le Guin...of course.)"

Personal peccadillos
Taking off my shoes or having to sit cross-legged on the floor.

Happy hunting and remember, when someone tells you that you "should be writing a book" you might suggest they consider dancing the role of Odette in Swan Lake or, if they are athletically inclined, playing a season with the New York Rangers.