Nathan Bransford - The Forums

Dear Agent,

When sixteen-year-old Bridget Ferns finds a dead cheerleader in the janitor’s closet, she fears that she might be the killer’s next target.

She is.

Being a teenage telepath, Bridget’s mind possesses the only clues leading to the killer’s identity

As someone who knows the shocking truths that pass through her classmate’s heads, Bridget’s investigation leads her to

suspect the one person she trusts most – her boyfriend Terrence, the only person whose thoughts she can’t read.

Now someone is taunting her, calling her name when the halls are empty. But when Bridget tries to expose her tormentor, she’s nearly beaten to death by a mind controlled minion with fiery eyes.

When Bridget finds the killer’s hideout she stumbles upon a horde of brainwashed classmates all programmed to destroy her life.

The killer wants more than Bridget’s blood, the killer wants her soul and the mind reading abilities that come with possessing it.

Bridget must discover the killer’s true identity while keeping her abilities a secret. If she’s forced to take part in this soul-sucking ritual, Bridget risks watching her loved ones die before it’s her turn. But if she survives her Junior year, the entire school will have learned her secret.

[Bio info]

COhiker wrote:Thank you for your help

Dear Agent,

When sixteen-year-old Bridget Ferns finds a dead cheerleader in the janitor’s closet, she fears that she might be the killer’s next target.I feel like I want more detail here. Not sure why she would think she's the next target.

She is.

Being a teenage telepath, Bridget’s mind possesses the only clues leading to the killer’s identity Is this why she think she's the next target? And why would she assume the killer knows about her ability? Just need a bit more information here.. As someone who knows the shocking truths that pass through her classmate’s heads, Bridget’s investigation leads her to suspect the one person she trusts most – her boyfriend Terrence, the only person whose thoughts she can’t read.I wanted to know what she plans to do now that she suspects her boyfriend, but the next part doesn't lead logically from that. Now someone is taunting her, calling her name when the halls are empty what halls? the school hallways?. But when Bridget tries to expose her tormentor, she’s nearly beaten to death by a mind controlled minion with fiery eyes.still wanting more information. I felt like the "fiery eyes" bit was a little too random. How is she exposing her tormentor? And is it not her boyfriend at this point, or does she think it still is?

When Bridget finds the killer’s hideout she stumbles upon a horde of brainwashed classmates all programmed to destroy her life How are they destroying her life?. The killer wants more than Bridget’s blood, the killer wants her soul and the mind reading abilities that come with possessing it This is a great conflict, but I'm not sure why the killer would go after a cheerleader if all they wanted was Bridget. Bridget must discover the killer’s true identity while keeping her abilities a secret So why does she think the killer knows about her abilities if she keeps them a secret? I would elaborate a bit more on that, create the conflict with that. Bridget's hidden her abilities all her life, but now someone knows - and they're willing to kill her to get them.. If she’s forced to take part in this soul-sucking ritual, Bridget risks watching her loved ones die before it’s her turn. But if she survives her Junior year, the entire school will have learned her secret. Not feeling the real conflict here. So what if the whole school knows? They'll come after her too? Elaborate more on that.

good start here. it needs more cohesion, in my opinion. add in some more details. I found the boyfriend bit confusing, since he's never mentioned again. if his involvement is a real conflict, I would put it closer to the end for more intrigue. hope this helps!
[Bio info]

COhiker wrote:Thank you for your help

Dear Agent,

When sixteen-year-old Bridget Ferns finds a dead cheerleader in the janitor’s closet, she fears that she might be the killer’s next target.

She is.

Being a teenage telepath, Bridget’s mind possesses the only clues leading to the killer’s identity. As someone who knows the shocking truths that pass through her classmate’s heads, Bridget’s investigation leads her to suspect the one person she trusts most – her boyfriend Terrence, the only person whose thoughts she can’t read. Now someone is taunting her, calling her name when the halls are empty. But when Bridget tries to expose her tormentor, she’s nearly beaten to death by a mind controlled minion with fiery eyes.

When Bridget finds the killer’s hideout she stumbles upon a horde of brainwashed classmates all programmed to destroy her life. The killer wants more than Bridget’s blood, the killer wants her soul and the mind reading abilities that come with possessing it. Bridget must discover the killer’s true identity while keeping her abilities a secret. If she’s forced to take part in this soul-sucking ritual, Bridget risks watching her loved ones die before it’s her turn. But if she survives her Junior year, the entire school will have learned her secret.

[Bio info]