Nathan Bransford - The Forums

Working on a query letter i keep ending up with the sentence "a strange, paranoid woman shows up at his job." I would like to change it to a show sentence and not a tell. Can anyone give advice on a way to rewrite it and still keep it kind of short?

I think I would say: "When a strange woman confronts him, claiming **insert crazy paranoid stuff**, finish sentence."

oldhousejunkie wrote:I think I would say: "When a strange woman confronts him, claiming **insert crazy paranoid stuff**, finish sentence."

Hell, you could probably even drop "strange" assuming the **Insert crazy paranoid stuff** is strange in itself.....if you believe ants from another planet are secretly spying on you while your showering, I think anyone would think you're a "strange" woman

I want to show her paranoia but the scene as written only has her babbling about "them" coming to get her and her laughing hysterically when it's suggested she is safe. She, at one point, does spit out "Time to fly, fly, fly," and then "you can catch me i'm the ginger bread girl." I don't want to make this a long description i wondered if there were ticks or other stuff to show her problem like big eyes that don't blink. I guess i could use her words and insert that in there and see how it plays.

Preacher wrote: I don't want to make this a long description i wondered if there were ticks or other stuff to show her problem like big eyes that don't blink. I guess i could use her words and insert that in there and see how it plays.

If someone's paranoid, they usually have shifting eyes, wringing hands, can't stand still, won't stay near open windows or put their backs to a door. They're distrustful of strangers. They might bite their lip or shift their weight or pace. There's a ton of different ways to show it without having her speak.

I'd suggest checking out the Thesaurus Thursdays on the Bookshelf Muse http://thebookshelfmuse.blogspot.com/20 ... sdays.html. The list on the right are all clickable links to physical acts and characteristics for specific emotions. It's amazing. You'll find all sorts of way to show her strangeness/paranoia there.

Good luck!

Try a physical description based on how the he observes her senses her behavior. Like, is she frantic? What do her actions look like from his perspective? Her strangeness and paranoia are ideally reader assessments. And if there's going to be more than one descriptor, three's a strong formula. What I tell you three times is true, Aristotle. Frantic, intent, impatient, the anxious woman barged into his workplace. Different context than paranoid, and emotionally flat, but then I don't want to impose. What does paranoia look like? More than eyes and face, it's whole body actions. Body posture is more revealing from a distance than facial expressions.

I think of the "brother" in The Wedding Crashers. He was marvelously weird and paranoid.. He'd be easy and fun to describe through his actions and gestures.

I don't know if you really need to 'show not tell' in a query letter....but maybe I'm wrong?

But if it's important .....I think there's good advice on this thread...the only thing I'd add is you could pull it from the writing. Go back to the scene you're talking about, and summarize what she says and does. That way it reflects your voice and the writing.

I think what's really important is that it be in your voice. For example, the phrase: "the lady was completely bonkers" packs a punch even though it's 'show not tell'. It's the voice that really gives it power. My humble opinion....

Good luck!