Nathan Bransford - The Forums

Dear Agent,


Rylynn Bailey is a seemingly normal young woman until she begins to hear voices and have strange dreams that seem to come true, and she soon realizes that not everyone are who they appear to be.

Rylynn is just like any other twenty year old. She has Aaron, her boyfriend, a job, and is about to move into her first apartment. Everything’s going great until Ryan, the dark haired, green eyed guy she works with starts to show an interest, but it's not until Aaron starts to get abusive does she realize that she too might be interested in him. Little does she know her life may be intertwined with his in more ways then one.

Soon after getting to know Ryan better she begins to hear voices and strange things begin to happen. When Aaron gets killed in an accident that Rylynn had dreamed about a week before, she begins to wonder if she has psychic powers, but when a family secret is revealed she learns the truth. That aliens might just live among us and Ryan maybe one of them. But that doesn’t stop her from pursing a relationship with him despite a warning from her grandmother. it isn't unil she herself gets abducted does she realize just how dangerous things are, and when she finds out she’s pregnant things just get a whole lot worse. Because once that baby is born the Astrogenians take both Ryan and the baby and leave Rylynn all alone.

RYLYNN BAILEY AND THE ASTROGENIAN PRINCE, is my first novel and is approximately 96,000 words. It is the first installment of a planned trilogy, but can stand alone, with full manuscript available upon request.

Thank you for your time and consideration.

Hmm. Lot of things not working for me. Having two main characters with very similar names confused me. In each of the paragraphs the genre of the book changed. And spelling mistakes as well.

I agree -- Rylynn and Ryan is confusing.

I would suggest focusing a little more on Rylynn's Goal, conflict, and stakes. What does she want? Maybe she just wants to start her adult life. Maybe she just wants to be normal. Whatever. Then she meets Ryan (I'd cut the Aaron information out of the query altogether -- not relevant at this level.) So she meets Ryan, starts hearing voices, and then wonders re: psychic powers. You say there might be aliens, and I'm assuming that's the Astrogenians.

How about something more like "Rylynn just wanted to be normal, enjoying her first job, her first apartment, and her first taste of independence. But when she meets handsome Ryan, everything starts to go crazy. She hears voices, and (strange things in a bit more detail.) Slowly, she discovers that her family has a secret: aliens exist and (why is this dangerous and important. World can blow up? Humans enslaved? Why do we care?) As she gets closer to the mysterious Ryan, she has to wonder: is he on her side... or theirs?"

Something like that. Really emphasize the stakes and the conflict. Just my opinion.