Nathan Bransford - The Forums

Hello all! I just sent out my first 8 queries, but ever since they left my mailbox I've been very critical of what I sent out. This is a copy of one of the queries I've sent out...please give me some advice on how to make it better...or at very least tell me to stop worrying lol. Thanks for any help and advice you can give!


Dear "super important agent",

I chose to submit a query letter to you because of your publicized interest in that which is dark, counter-cultural, thought provoking, and mind bending.

Detective Harris is an old, aging detective of the Philadelphia Police department who is trying to solve a murder case, but a strange occurrence at the scene of the crime (the lack of a murder weapon, bullet casings, or any ballistic evidence whatsoever) has got him reaching for any clues he can find. He hopes that a stack of neatly typed papers left at the crime scene will help him find the answers he’s looking for. While reading, he is introduced to Jack, a 20 something male who works as a stock boy at a drug store. Quickly we learn that Jack’s life is in a downward spiral as shown by his frequent drug use, as well as his general disdain for what other people would deem to be “normal” behavior. He ends up falling in love with a girl who proves to be very mysterious, and somewhat dangerous; as well as discovering a secret room that holds a “Godly” or “Divine” feel. As detective Harris continues to read about Jack and his struggle to maintain sanity in a world that is crashing down around him, detective Harris finds himself battling insomnia and madness as he meets with a various assortment of characters in a desperate attempt to solve a case that keeps getting weirder and weirder. The story unfolds to a surprise ending where Detective Harris learns how his connection to Jack was much greater that what he had originally thought.

A Divine Dementia is approximately 79,000 words and is my first novel. As far as genre, I would say that it is a mind bending thriller with moments of both comedy and tragedy. Think Chuck Palahniuk meets the movie Magnolia. Thank you very much for your time and consideration, and I hope to be hearing from you soon.

-Jason Shprintz
my phone number
my email

Dear "super important agent",

I chose to submit a query letter to you because of your publicized interest in that which is dark, counter-cultural, thought provoking, and mind bending. Cool logline.

Detective Harris is an old, aging redundant - I'd just say 'aging'detective of the Philadelphia Police department who is trying to solve a murder case, but a strange occurrence at the scene of the crime (the lack of a murder weapon, bullet casings, or any ballistic evidence whatsoever) this confused me a little - the bullets reference implies he was shot, but it's not really spelled out for me - might be just me and my complete lack of understanding of crime lingo, lolhas got him reaching for any clues he can findslightly redundant again. of course he's reaching for clues, he's a detective. He hopes that a stack of neatly typed papers left at the crime scene will help him find the answers he’s looking for. While reading, he is introduced to Jack, a 20 something male who works as a stock boy at a drug storeI'm confused as to how Jack comes into the picture. Quickly we learn 'we learn' - the language is a tad informalthat Jack’s life is in a downward spiral as shown 'as shown' - show us!by his frequent drug use, as well as his general disdain for what other people would deem to be “normal” behaviorwhat does he do that's abnormal?. He Jack or Detective Harris?ends up informal tone - maybe it's just me, but it's starting to give your query a 'and then this happened, and then this happened'-vibefalling in love with a girl who proves to be very mysterious, and somewhat dangerous; as well as discovering a secret room that holds a “Godly” or “Divine” feel. As detective Harris continues to read about Jackwait, so Jack's not real? A story-within-a-story is an interesting device, but I feel there's a link missing here. What does Jack have to do with the murders? and his struggle to maintain sanity in a world that is crashing down around himhow? Because he's reading a story and is having trouble with a murder case?, detective capital 'D'Harris finds himself battling insomnia and madness as he meets with a various assortment of characters who? in a desperate attempt to solve a case that keeps getting weirder and weirderhow?. The story unfolds to a surprise ending where Detective Harris learns how his connection to Jack was much greater that what he had originally thought.informal tone throws me off again - should you really be talking about the surprise ending in a query?

A Divine Dementia is approximately 79,000 words and is my first novel. As far as genre, I would saybe assertive! Don't guess at your own genre! that it is a mind-bending thriller with moments of both comedy and tragedy. Think Chuck Palahniuk meets the movie Magnolia. Cool combination.Thank you very much for your time and consideration, and I hope to be hearing from you soon.

Hello, Philabuster! Don't panic about all the red up there; remeber, I'm no expert, and this is just my two cents.

I think you've got a really cool manuscript from the sounds of it, but you've buried a lot of it in your query. First of all, I'd try breaking it up into paragraphs - it's kinder on an agent's eyes, and it'll help you find the places you need to smooth the transition from plot point to plot point. I get the feeling you think you're plot's a little too weird to condense into a query, so you're trying to find a way to blunt it into a traditional query with the use of a lot of cliches - "various assortment of characters" and the like. Please remember, the more bizarre stories tend to be the most unique, and that's their strength! Bring some of that mind-bending counter-culture to the forefront and don't be shy about giving away plot details. They might not make a great deal of sense in context, but that's what'll entice to agent to ask for more pages.

Best of luck with your project!

Hi there,

I thought Sleeping Beauty covered it all really well, so I'll just echo 2 points.

1) I don't think the frame-story device works in a query (though it totally works in a book). It just sounds really static, like all that is happening in the whole book is that a detective is reading something -- not visceral or immediate. I would just introduce Detective Harris in one paragraph and Jack in another and then the plot should explain how they are eventually related.

2) It definitely feels like you're holding back too much. You've got plot twists in there, but it's not enough to tell us there are twists. You have to let an agent in on some of them to pique their interest. Nathan has a really great post about this here.

Also, I would list your genre as thriller or suspense. Not using an established genre may make you look like you don't understand the market.

Good luck!

I'm no "expert" on query writing, and your story is not a genre I write, but I think I can offer some tweaks that might make your query stronger.

The story itself sounds intriguing and I like that there is a "voice" to this query. What I think you need to do is lose some of the "telling" aspects of this version while keeping the voice (which I imagine is a good indicator of the writing style found in your actual manuscript). You also have a few minor technical errors or things that are best left out of queries (always put the title in ALL CAPS the first time it is mentioned, you don't need to say approximately in regard to word count, they know it's a rounded number, you should, however say "complete" if the work is in fact done). I'll redline the rest of my suggestions in your actual query. I revised my own first query no less than twenty times (you can search back on this thread to see the painstaking progression) so I know first hand how a)it's a pita to get a query right and b)lots of versions of a query can be right or good or great---it's a very subjective thing. In any case, I hope my comments help. Feel free if to ask if you have questions---many here (myself included) have queried multiple projects and are well into the hundreds in terms of numbers of total queries sent. Best of luck to you.

Philabuster wrote:Hello all! I just sent out my first 8 queries, but ever since they left my mailbox I've been very critical of what I sent out. This is a copy of one of the queries I've sent out...please give me some advice on how to make it better...or at very least tell me to stop worrying lol. Thanks for any help and advice you can give!


Dear "super important agent",

I chose to submit a query letter to you because of your publicized interest in that which is dark, counter-cultural, thought provoking, and mind bending. (Catchy intro)

Detective Harris is an old ,(lose the word "old" as it's redundant to aging and aging is a better choice) aging detective of the (from the? in the?)Philadelphia Police department who is trying to solve a murder case, (I'd make that a period, it makes your first sentence very to the point about who he is and what he's doing. but a strange occurrence at the scene of the crime(I'd lose the bit in blue, as its telling and because parenthesis are generally frowned upon in queries and in actual text of novels) (tThe lack of a murder weapon, bullet casings, or any ballistic evidence whatsoever) has got him reaching for any clues he can find. He hopes that a stack of neatly typed papers left at the crime scene will help him find the answers he’s looking for. While reading, he is introduced to Jack, a 20 something male who works as a stock boy at a drug store. (I'd condense this to something like: When he begins to read through papers from the crime scene he learns about Jack, a twenty-something who works as a stock boy at a drug store.)

(Insert paragraph break as you're now telling us about Jack) Quickly we learn that (I'd lose that intro and just start with facts about Jack) Jack’s life is in a downward spiral as shown by his frequent drug use, as well as his general disdain for what other people would deem to be “normal” (even though you have it in quotes the word "normal" is considered a query watchword as it is overused, hard to define and often thought to be cliche) behavior. He ends up falling in love with a girl who proves to be very mysterious, and somewhat dangerous; as well as discovering a secret room that holds a “Godly” or “Divine” feel.(This last sentence is confusing and feels very "telling"---can you give an example of what makes her mysterious or dangerous? Also, avoid the semi-colon if possible. Shorter stronger sentences are preferred and semi-colons are actually a pet peeve to some agents. *yes I know how ridiculous that sounds, but it's true, I don't make up these facts, I just relay them* It's not at all clear how the "Godly/Divine" thing plays into your storyline so you might want to clarify that)

(Insert another paragraph break as you bring us back to Detective Harris and try to wrap up your hook) As detective Harris continues to read about Jack and his struggle to maintain sanity in a world that is crashing down around him, detective Harris finds himself battling insomnia and madness as he meets with a various assortment of characters in a (I'd lose the stuff in blue in an attempt to consolidate) desperately attempts to solve a case that keeps getting weirder and weirder(I think one "weirder is actually stronger than two). The story unfolds to a surprise ending where(Don't tell us this---the rest of the sentence is better of w/o the intro to it) Detective Harris learns how his connection to Jack was much greater that what he had originally thought. (I'd add a hint more detail to the connection and how it is significant, you're trying to hook your reader and leave them dying to know what the connection is and how it impacts the ending.)

A Divine Dementia (ALL CAPS FOR TITLE) is approximately(complete at) 79,000 words and is my first novel(no need to state that it's a first novel and some don't like to hear that). As far as genre, I would say that it is a mind bending thriller with moments of both comedy and tragedy. Think Chuck Palahniuk meets the movie Magnolia. Thank you very much for your time and consideration, and I hope to be hearing from you soon.
(many agents do not like "hear from you soon" to be mentioned in a closing---some feel it's added presssure and the bottom line is you will NOT hear from a lot of them due to a "no answer means no" response policy---better off without it.)
-Jason Shprintz
(It's standard to include home address as well, it tells an agent what your time zone is and a rare few will actually snail mail you a reply)
my phone number
my email

(Include a website address if you maintain a site)


I just looked at my comments and realized even I can't navigate all the colored comments, so I took the liberty of retyping with changes just so you could see what I was suggesting. I'm not trying to rewrite your query, I'm just trying to make sure my own commentary is legible---this is just a different way to look at what you already had.

Incidentally, your word count right now is very good---the ideal query should be between 250-350 words and you're right in line (the version I retyped below is 258, all inclusive, which allows plenty of room for you to add a sentence or two to explain the Jack/Harris connection or elaborate on the mysterious girl.)

Dear super-agent,

I chose to submit a query letter to you because of your publicize interest in that which is dark, counter-cultural, thought provoking and mind bending.

Detective Harris is an aging detective in the Philadelphia Police department who is trying to solve a murder case. The lack of a murder weapon, bullet casings, or any ballistic evidence whatsoever has him reaching for any clues he can find. When he begins to read through papers from the crime scene he learns about Jack, a twenty-something who works as a stock boy at a local drug store.

Jack’s life is in a downward spiral as shown by his frequent drug use as well as his general disdain for what other people would deem “acceptable” behavior. He ends up falling in love with a girl who proves to be mysterious and dangerous, then he discovers a secret room that holds a “Godly” or “Divine” feel.

As Detective Harris continues to read about Jack and his struggle to maintain sanity in a world that is crashing down around him, Detective Harris finds himself battling insomnia and madness as he desperately attempts to solve a case that keeps getting weirder. Detective Harris learns how his connection to Jack was much greater than he had originally thought.

A DIVINE DEMENTIA is commercial fiction (substitute whatever specific genre you think is more accurate) and is complete at 79,000 words. Think Chuck Palahniuk meets the movie Magnolia. Thank you very much for your time and consideration

(closing such as “best regards/sincerely/etc)
Name
Address
Phone
Email
website

Try to keep in mind, query writing is not a precise science---what appeals to one agent/editor will not appeal to another---just try to be as concise as possible and leave the agent wanting to read more of your writing and of this story in particular. Again, best of luck. Post revisions here so we can watch your progress and comment on future versions (and remember, almost everyone has many, many versions).

WOW! Thank you guys so so much for your help. In all honesty, without this blog or forum I don't think I would ever be able to do this lol. As bummed as I am for sending out 8 queries that weren't as polished as I would have liked, I'm stoked that the future ones will be much more professional. Here's the rewrite. Thanks again for all the help guys...and keep the comments coming!


Dear super important agent,

I chose to submit a query letter to you because of your publicized interest in that which is dark, counter-cultural, thought provoking, and mind bending.

Detective Harris is a recently divorced, aging detective in the Philadelphia Police department who is trying to solve a bizarre murder case. The three victims are spread out over the floor of an apartment, all with gun shot wounds to the head. However, the lack of a murder weapon, bullet casings, or any ballistic evidence whatsoever has got him reaching for any clues he can find. He begins to read a stack of neatly typed papers left at the crime scene where he first learns about Jack.

Jack is a 20 something male who works as a stock boy at a drug store with his friend Carl. Jack’s life is in a downward spiral fueled by his frequent drug use, dwindling bank account, as well as his general disdain for other peoples happiness. His life becomes a lot more interesting when he meets Hannah, a beautiful drug dealer who he instantly falls in love with, as well as Abe, a quirky story teller who tries to tell Jack about “God’s big plan.”

As detective Harris continues to read about Jack and his struggle to maintain sanity in a world that is crashing down around him, detective Harris finds himself battling insomnia and madness as he desperately attempts to solve a case that keeps getting weirder. The reader then discovers that through divine intervention, detective Harris’s connection to Jack was much greater than he had originally thought.

A DIVINE DEMENTIA is complete at 79,000 words. It is an Urban Fantasy that combines the power of divine intervention with the angst of lower class city life. Think Chuck Palahniuk meets the movie Magnolia. Thank you very much for your time and consideration.

-Jason Shprintz
address
phone number
email

Impressively speedy rewrite!

There are a lot of things that are improvements in this version. You've added some specific details, which helps us understand the story. You've also defined your genre, which is very important.

There are a few things I'd suggest you tweak a little. While it's great that you gave us more details the introduction of other named characters in the paragraph about Jack becomes confusing---some agents are particularly sensitive to the multiple named characters issue, calling it "character soup" to intro too many names all at once.

Just as a technical comment, numbers are always spelled out and ages are hyphenated, so I believe Jack would be twenty-something.

See below for some specific comments/questions. Again, great job with a quick rewrite. Hope the comments help.

Philabuster wrote:WOW! Thank you guys so so much for your help. In all honesty, without this blog or forum I don't think I would ever be able to do this lol. As bummed as I am for sending out 8 queries that weren't as polished as I would have liked, I'm stoked that the future ones will be much more professional. Here's the rewrite. Thanks again for all the help guys...and keep the comments coming!


Dear super important agent,

I chose to submit a query letter to you because of your publicized interest in that which is dark, counter-cultural, thought provoking, and mind bending.

Detective Harris is a recently divorced, aging detective in the Philadelphia Police department who is trying to solve a bizarre murder case. The three victims are spread out over the floor of an apartment, all with gun shot wounds to the head. However, the lack of a murder weapon, bullet casings, or any ballistic evidence whatsoever has got him reaching for any clues he can find. He begins to read a stack of neatly typed papers left at the crime scene where he first learns about Jack. (much improved---take a break then go back and think about the details to make sure they all have significance---it's a good detail to know that Harris is recently divorced but does that play into the plot or his personality? Not sure you need the word bizarre as you then explain why the case is unusual. Cut any extraneous words, strong word choice is one of the most important aspects of any query.)

Jack is a 20 (twenty) something male who works as a stock boy at a drug store with his friend Carl (Jack's friend Carl? or Harris' friend Carl? In either case, is Carl important enough to name? If so, tell us why, if not, leave out this detail). Jack’s life is in a downward spiral fueled by his frequent drug use, dwindling bank account, as well as his general disdain for other peoples' happiness. His life becomes a lot more interesting when he meets Hannah (again, if Hannah is significant, leave her name, if not, don't mention it), a beautiful drug dealer who he instantly falls in love with, as well as Abe (and again, is Abe significant enough to name?), a quirky story teller who tries to tell Jack about “God’s big plan.” *you use the term "as well as" twice in this paragraph, I'd switch one out with "along with" or "and" or just start a new sentence. In something as short as a query you want to avoid repetition if at all possible*

As detective Harris continues to read about Jack and his struggle to maintain sanity in a world that is crashing down around him, detective Harris finds himself battling insomnia and madness as he desperately attempts to solve a case that keeps getting weirder. The reader then discovers(this completely pulls the query-reader out of the story---find another way to state this info without telling us what the reader will experience, also if you want to keep "divine intervention" in your genre description below, change out the words here to avoid repetition) that through divine intervention, detective Harris’s connection to Jack was much greater than he had originally thought.

A DIVINE DEMENTIA is complete at 79,000 words. It is an Urban Fantasy that combines the power of divine intervention with the angst of lower class city life. Think Chuck Palahniuk meets the movie Magnolia. Thank you very much for your time and consideration. (good)

-Jason Shprintz
address
phone number
email

Haha. With Irene all over the east coast I was blessed with a day off from work. I usually spend most of my days off sitting in front of my computer trying to turn a blank page into anything but, and rewriting my query is actually a lot more fun than working on my next novel lol.

Dear super important agent,

I chose to submit a query letter to you because of your publicized interest in that which is dark, counter-cultural, thought provoking, and mind bending.

Detective Harris is a recently divorced, aging detective in the Philadelphia Police department who is trying to solve a murder case. The three victims are spread out over the floor of an apartment, all with gun shot wounds to the head. However, the lack of a murder weapon, bullet casings, or any ballistic evidence whatsoever has got him reaching for any clues he can find. He begins to read a stack of neatly typed papers left at the crime scene where he first learns about Jack.

Jack is a twenty-something male who works as a stock boy at a drug store. Jack’s life is in a downward spiral fueled by his frequent drug use, dwindling bank account, as well as his general disdain for other peoples’ happiness. His life becomes a lot more interesting when he meets Hannah, a beautiful drug dealer who he instantly falls in love with, along with Abe, a quirky story teller who tries to tell Jack about “God’s big plan.”

As detective Harris continues to read about Jack and his struggle to maintain sanity in a world that is crashing down around him, detective Harris finds himself battling insomnia and madness as he desperately attempts to solve a case that keeps getting weirder. In the midst of his own self destruction, detective Harris then discovers through an act of God how powerful his connection with Jack really is.

A DIVINE DEMENTIA is complete at 79,000 words. It is an Urban Fantasy that combines the power of divine intervention with the angst of lower class city life. Think Chuck Palahniuk meets the movie Magnolia. Thank you very much for your time and consideration.

-Jason Shprintz
address
phone number
email


Getting closer and closer to the final draft...I hope lol. Carl is a supporting character so it's not really necessary since he doesn't affect the story in any dramatic way. Hannah and Abe though do - in short - Hannah is the representation of evil where as Abe is the representation of good. Should I cleverly include this or just leave it the way it is?

Again, getting smoother.

Some polishing-related questions. In the sentence "He begins to read a stack of neatly typed papers left at the crime scene where her first learns about Jack." I think this can be pared down a little. You seem to want to leave in the "neatly typed papers" bit, and that's fine, but the word "where" stands out as not fitting. I know you mean the papers are where he learns about Jack but it doesn't sound quite right. Maybe just "and learns about Jack" or While reading....he learns about Jack" or something similar. Keep it as simple as possible without losing description you feel is important.

The character soup issue is definitely improved by leaving out Carl. I'd say try thinking about how you think it reads better---naming Hannah and Abe or just describing them. In other words leaving it as you have it or changing it to: His life becomes a lot more interesting when he meets a beautiful drug dealer who he instantly falls in love with, and a quirky story teller who tries to tell Jack about “God’s big plan.” (either way I think "and" makes for a smoother transition than "along with" but that's just my opinion). Try reading it both ways or wait until someone else pipes in---I seem to be the only one trolling Bransforums today.

Last summary paragraph: I completely understand the sentence about Harris and what he's struggling with, which is good---it means it's clear, and that's important---but it is a wordy sentence. Not sure if you can come up with a way to tweak it shorter without losing content.

Pretty sure that self-destruction should be hyphenated, but I"m too tired to look it up to know for sure.

You might consider shifting word order in the final summary sentence: In the midst of his own self destruction, an act of God allows/helps Detective Harris to see how powerful his connection with Jack really is.



Hoping someone with more familiarity with the UF genre weighs in on your query because I can't comment in regard to plot/pacing etc in a genre-specific way.

Hope you've enjoyed your day off!

Philabuster wrote:Haha. With Irene all over the east coast I was blessed with a day off from work. I usually spend most of my days off sitting in front of my computer trying to turn a blank page into anything but, and rewriting my query is actually a lot more fun than working on my next novel lol.


Dear super important agent,

I chose to submit a query letter to you because of your publicized interest in that which is dark, counter-cultural, thought provoking, and mind bending.

Detective Harris is a recently divorced, aging detective in the Philadelphia Police department who is trying to solve a murder case. The three victims are spread out over the floor of an apartment, all with gun shot wounds to the head. However, the lack of a murder weapon, bullet casings, or any ballistic evidence whatsoever has got him reaching for any clues he can find. He begins to read a stack of neatly typed papers left at the crime scene where he first learns about Jack.

Jack is a twenty-something male who works as a stock boy at a drug store. Jack’s life is in a downward spiral fueled by his frequent drug use, dwindling bank account, as well as his general disdain for other peoples’ happiness. His life becomes a lot more interesting when he meets Hannah, a beautiful drug dealer who he instantly falls in love with, along with Abe, a quirky story teller who tries to tell Jack about “God’s big plan.”

As detective Harris continues to read about Jack and his struggle to maintain sanity in a world that is crashing down around him, detective Harris finds himself battling insomnia and madness as he desperately attempts to solve a case that keeps getting weirder. In the midst of his own self destruction, detective Harris then discovers through an act of God how powerful his connection with Jack really is.

A DIVINE DEMENTIA is complete at 79,000 words. It is an Urban Fantasy that combines the power of divine intervention with the angst of lower class city life. Think Chuck Palahniuk meets the movie Magnolia. Thank you very much for your time and consideration.

-Jason Shprintz
address
phone number
email


Getting closer and closer to the final draft...I hope lol. Carl is a supporting character so it's not really necessary since he doesn't affect the story in any dramatic way. Hannah and Abe though do - in short - Hannah is the representation of evil where as Abe is the representation of good. Should I cleverly include this or just leave it the way it is?

Philabuster wrote:Haha. With Irene all over the east coast I was blessed with a day off from work. I usually spend most of my days off sitting in front of my computer trying to turn a blank page into anything but, and rewriting my query is actually a lot more fun than working on my next novel lol.

Lucky you! Glad you have electricity!

So I think your latest version reads more smoothly, but I'm still not sure I've got a clear idea of the book.
1) Is this really an urban fantasy? You don't mention anything supernatural, per se. The reference to God's plan makes it sound as if this is a Christian novel. Is it?
2) It's not clear to me why reading about Jack would lead to insomnia and madness. You say the case gets weirder and weirder but I think it would be better to explain in detail how it is getting weirder. That whole show v. tell thing, ya know?
3) The paragraph about Jack seems disjointed. The details you're including don't seem to relate to the case at all. I think you need to give us some clues as to how they do.

Getting closer and closer to the final draft...I hope lol. Carl is a supporting character so it's not really necessary since he doesn't affect the story in any dramatic way. Hannah and Abe though do - in short - Hannah is the representation of evil where as Abe is the representation of good. Should I cleverly include this or just leave it the way it is?

4) I'm not sure you need to mention any of them. Regardless of the role they play in the novel, in a query you are trying to tell a tiny, really focused story. Every detail you include should relate to the conflict. Right now, mentioning them seems a bit random. Unless they relate to your main conflict--the case--I would leave them out. Concentrate instead on the case and why things are getting strange.

All just my humble opinion of course. Hope it helps!

Lol...writing a query is hard. How do you take something that you have lived and breathed for so long and condense it to less than 350 words while still giving an accurate description of what it's all about to complete strangers? Very tricky indeed...

Here's the rewrite...thank you for all your comments so far...and thank you in advance for all the comments to come


Dear Agents Name,

I chose to submit a query letter to you because of your publicized interest in that which is dark, counter-cultural, thought provoking, and mind bending.

Detective Harris is a recently divorced, aging detective in the Philadelphia Police department who is trying to solve a murder case. The three victims are spread out over the floor of an apartment, all with gun shot wounds to the head. However, the lack of a murder weapon, bullet casings, or any ballistic evidence whatsoever has got him baffled. He begins to read a stack of neatly typed papers left at the crime scene where he first learns about Jack.

Jack is a twenty-something male who works as a stock boy at a drug store. Jack’s life is in a downward spiral fueled by his frequent drug use, dwindling bank account, as well as his general disdain for other peoples’ happiness. At night, Jack’s dreams become more vivid and violent, frequently causing him to wake up in cold sweats. However his life takes an interesting turn when he stumbles upon a 1911 Smith and Wesson hand gun lying in the street. The events that follow are anything but ordinary as he falls in love with a beautiful drug dealer, gets stuck in a rainstorm with a preaching story teller, and eventually kills his best friend along with himself in a vain attempt to distinguish what is and isn’t real.

Obsessed with Jack and pressured by his lieutenant to solve the case, detective Harris finds himself battling insomnia induced madness as he desperately searches for clues about the gun’s whereabouts hidden in Jack’s manuscript. After falling asleep behind the wheel, a supernatural event causes detective Harris to wake up in Jack’s story where he realizes that he actually has been there the entire time.

A DIVINE DEMENTIA is complete at 79,000 words. It is an Urban Fantasy that combines the power of divine intervention with the angst of lower class city life. Think Chuck Palahniuk meets the movie Magnolia. Thank you very much for your time and consideration.

-Jason Shprintz
address
phone number
email

Philabuster wrote: I chose to submit a query letter to you because of your publicized interest in that which is dark, counter-cultural, thought provoking, and mind bending.

I agree with Query Shark Janet Reid that it's best to move this down below the descriptive blurb. I also tend to agree with her that the entire query is best limited to 250 words. (Or, I'd say 350 max). She likes 100 words for the blurb part and you have 278 words. I'd be good with 150 words, but still, you almost double that. 278 seems too many for the teaser quality a query blurb should go for.

Detective Harris is a recently divorced, aging detective in the Philadelphia Police department who is trying to solve a murder case.

You could probably scuttle this whole sentence. "Recently divorced" doesn't seem vital info. "Aging" doesn't say much; we're all aging by the minute.

Why not say "Philadelphia apartment" and "has got Detective Harris baffled" below, to get the vital info into the next part.

The three victims are spread out over the floor of an apartment,

Wordy. Do we need to know they are spread? Do we need to know they are on the floor? How about just "in the Philadelphia apartment."

all with gun shot wounds to the head. However, the lack of a murder weapon, bullet casings, or any ballistic evidence whatsoever has got him baffled.

Wait. I'm no forensics expert, but wouldn't the wounds themselves constitute or contain ballistic evidence. Also, why would the lack of weapon or casings have him baffled. The perp took them. It must be a common starting place for most crimes of this sort. Why mention it?

He begins to read a stack of neatly typed papers left at the crime scene where he first learns about Jack.

Seems awkward sentence construction. "He begins to read a stack, where he first learns about Jack."

And, does it really matter that they are "neatly typed"?

And, the segue-way to Jack seems a bit inelegant. If you are insinuating that he is the perp, maybe find another way to put this, more dramatic or something. Otherwise it seems Harris may be distracted and might be about to make a new friend or something, like the story is veering away from the murders. I think "first begins to learn about Jack" is the phrase that seems off the tone of what kind of book we think this might be. Tone is so important.

Jack is a twenty-something male who works as a stock boy at a drug store.

Confusing. Why are you launching into a new character without tying him to the previous one (except through the papers)? It feels like you are beginning the query all over. Is Jack the main character? Are their two parallel stories going on here? We seem to have lost our bearings. Almost like you are filling us in with backstory, which is best not done in a query without VERY good reason.

Jack’s life is in a downward spiral fueled by his frequent drug use, dwindling bank account, as well as his general disdain for other peoples’ happiness. At night, Jack’s dreams become more vivid and violent, frequently causing him to wake up in cold sweats. However his life takes an interesting turn when he stumbles upon a 1911 Smith and Wesson hand gun lying in the street. The events that follow are anything but ordinary as he falls in love with a beautiful drug dealer, gets stuck in a rainstorm with a preaching story teller, and eventually kills his best friend along with himself in a vain attempt to distinguish what is and isn’t real.

This feels like we are off on a tangent. What happened to the detective? What happened to the murder case? Also, why is all of this in the papers? Who wrote the papers? Is is all in the papers? Is the detective learning all of this, or is the narrator merely telling the reader? I'm lost.

Obsessed with Jack and pressured by his lieutenant to solve the case, detective Harris

Wouldn't it be Detective (rather than detective) Harris?

Why is Harris obsessed? Why is his lieutenant pressuring him?

finds himself battling insomnia induced madness as he desperately searches for clues about the gun’s whereabouts hidden in Jack’s manuscript.

What makes him so sure the gun's location is hidden in the papers? What good will the gun do him without Jack? Is he even looking for Jack? Why the primary focus on the weapon?

After falling asleep behind the wheel, a supernatural event causes detective Harris to wake up in Jack’s story where he realizes that he actually has been there the entire time.

This is the fantasy element in the story, and it could be played up more. As it is it occupies too small of a slice of the blurb, thus risks not registering with the reader of the query. "A supernatural event causes" is pretty vague, too, for the crux of your query. And, the verbiage after "story" is awkward: he wakes up in Jack's story (not Jack's life or experience?) (is it a fiction story?) where he realizes he has been there (drop the "there").

A DIVINE DEMENTIA is complete at 79,000 words. It is an Urban Fantasy that combines the power of divine intervention with the angst of lower class city life. Think Chuck Palahniuk meets the movie Magnolia. Thank you very much for your time and consideration.

It is almost always weak to tell what the book DOES (it combines the power with the angst). These qualities should be apparent from the descriptive blurb!

Good luck with the project. I hope you can slice the blurb in half.

Quill wrote:

all with gun shot wounds to the head. However, the lack of a murder weapon, bullet casings, or any ballistic evidence whatsoever has got him baffled.

Wait. I'm no forensics expert, but wouldn't the wounds themselves constitute or contain ballistic evidence. Also, why would the lack of weapon or casings have him baffled. The perp took them. It must be a common starting place for most crimes of this sort. Why mention it?

Let's say somebody takes a gun and fires it at another human being. That bullet is going to go through the other person and either lodge itself somewhere in that body, or continue through where, eventually, it will lodge itself into another object. That's how police officers know that...let's say...nine shots were fired. They know nine shots were fired because there are nine bullets that are accounted for. They also know WHERE the shots were fired because when you fire a gun, a casing falls to the floor. Where there are a pile of casings is where the shooter was standing. The idea that a murderer would shoot three people then go around trying to find the lodged bullets to collect them is not only completely unheard of...but borderline impossible. That's what makes this crime scene so strange...which fully explained in the book...but shortening it to the point where I can include the rest of the story all within like 300 words is challenging.

Quill wrote:

He begins to read a stack of neatly typed papers left at the crime scene where he first learns about Jack.

Seems awkward sentence construction. "He begins to read a stack, where he first learns about Jack."

And, does it really matter that they are "neatly typed"?

And, the segue-way to Jack seems a bit inelegant. If you are insinuating that he is the perp, maybe find another way to put this, more dramatic or something. Otherwise it seems Harris may be distracted and might be about to make a new friend or something, like the story is veering away from the murders. I think "first begins to learn about Jack" is the phrase that seems off the tone of what kind of book we think this might be. Tone is so important.

Jack is a twenty-something male who works as a stock boy at a drug store.

Confusing. Why are you launching into a new character without tying him to the previous one (except through the papers)? It feels like you are beginning the query all over. Is Jack the main character? Are their two parallel stories going on here? We seem to have lost our bearings. Almost like you are filling us in with backstory, which is best not done in a query without VERY good reason.

The story is about Harris who finds this stack of papers at the crime scene and reads them in search for clues to help him solve the murder. The papers themselves contain the story of Jack, where Harris finds out later is also one of the victims. The chapters alternate, every other chapter being about Harris doing what he can to find the answers he needs, and the other chapters being what he is reading i.e. the story of Jack. As we follow Harris and we learn what he learns as he learns it, therefore Harris is the MC. But it's actually two parallel stories that conjoin at the end. So in a way they are both very important characters.

Quill wrote:

Jack’s life is in a downward spiral fueled by his frequent drug use, dwindling bank account, as well as his general disdain for other peoples’ happiness. At night, Jack’s dreams become more vivid and violent, frequently causing him to wake up in cold sweats. However his life takes an interesting turn when he stumbles upon a 1911 Smith and Wesson hand gun lying in the street. The events that follow are anything but ordinary as he falls in love with a beautiful drug dealer, gets stuck in a rainstorm with a preaching story teller, and eventually kills his best friend along with himself in a vain attempt to distinguish what is and isn’t real.

This feels like we are off on a tangent. What happened to the detective? What happened to the murder case? Also, why is all of this in the papers? Who wrote the papers? Is is all in the papers? Is the detective learning all of this, or is the narrator merely telling the reader? I'm lost.

We find out in the story that Jack wrote the papers. He wrote them during a rainstorm of biblical proportions where he was stuck in a room with the preaching story teller and a strange silent man sitting in the corner. The preaching story teller tries to convince Jack to write a book about his experiences, trials, and tribulations. He also tries to convince Jack to leave the gun with him. Jack doesn't follow the second piece of advice and ultimately murders two people while taking his own life, leaving the book he wrote at the scene of the crime where Harris eventually finds it.

Quill wrote:

Obsessed with Jack and pressured by his lieutenant to solve the case, detective Harris

Wouldn't it be Detective (rather than detective) Harris?

Yes. Oops.

Quill wrote: Why is Harris obsessed? Why is his lieutenant pressuring him?

Harris is obsessed because, back in the day, Harris was the best detective on the force. Decades later he is much older and not nearly the man he once was. The lieutenant threatened that if he doesn't solve this case in a timely fashion he is going to get kicked off the force. Being a detective is the only thing Harris feels he has. His wife recently left him and took the kids, his career is all he has left. Therefore he spends day and night searching for the people that Jack mentions in his book, trying to find clues on where the beautiful drug dealer that Jack is in love with (whom Harris believes is the real killer) and trying to find the gun that Jack talks about he found (which he is convinced is the weapon)

Quill wrote:

finds himself battling insomnia induced madness as he desperately searches for clues about the gun’s whereabouts hidden in Jack’s manuscript.

What makes him so sure the gun's location is hidden in the papers? What good will the gun do him without Jack? Is he even looking for Jack? Why the primary focus on the weapon?

You cant close a murder case without identifying the weapon that was used. The strangeness of no bullets at the scene makes finding the gun a lot harder.

Quill wrote:

After falling asleep behind the wheel, a supernatural event causes detective Harris to wake up in Jack’s story where he realizes that he actually has been there the entire time.

This is the fantasy element in the story, and it could be played up more. As it is it occupies too small of a slice of the blurb, thus risks not registering with the reader of the query. "A supernatural event causes" is pretty vague, too, for the crux of your query. And, the verbiage after "story" is awkward: he wakes up in Jack's story (not Jack's life or experience?) (is it a fiction story?) where he realizes he has been there (drop the "there").

After officially being kicked off the force Harris, extremely sleep deprived, falls asleep behind the wheel and wakes up in the room that he read about in Jacks story (the room that Jack was trapped in during the biblical storm where he wrote his book). Convinced that the preaching story teller (Abe) can help him find the murder weapon that might prove to the lieutenant that Harris can still solve a case, he makes a deal where he'll sit in the corner and stay silent if Abe can convince Jack to relinquish the gun, thus becoming the strange silent man that Jack had wrote about, and Harris had read.

The room that they're in is called The Belly of Jonah's Whale. It's supposed to symbolize a holy or divine place where a higher force is in control, Abe being a "representative" of sorts to this higher force. Both characters follow the same story line as The book of Jonah directly from the bible. Jonah, was called upon by god for favor, ran away from this favor, spent time in the belly of a whale in order to contemplate his own mistakes, learns nothing but lies to god to get out of the whale, does the favor god asks him to, and then scorns god later for what he feels is god's "control over his life". Both Harris and Jack follow this framework- both being called upon god, both running away, both finding their way in The Belly of Jonah's Whale, both 'lieing' (cutting deals) to get out, both doing what god asks them too, and then both disrespecting god for their own individual benefits...Jack keeping the gun when he wasn't supposed to...Harris only concerned about being a detective instead of being a dad.

Both Jack and Harris appear at The Belly of Jonah's Whale at the same time yet enter and exit at two different points in time. This is mainly for two reasons. One - To show the power that that room holds. Two - Both Jack and Harris have the power to end their torment. If Jack doesn't keep the gun the murder would never have happened and Harris would never have gotten involved. If Harris didn't care about being a detective as much as he cared about being a dad he would never have made the deal with Abe to convince Jack to leave the gun (Jack mentions several times that he probably would have left the gun there if it wasn't for Abe asking him to as much as he did. Abe's relentlessness in asking Jack for the gun only convinced Jack more so that the gun was special and worth keeping.

It's a very trippy story with a lot of symbolism and biblical references (though it's not a christian novel...it's religious in the same way that Pulp Fiction is religious) Trying to simplify the whole story to 200 words is proving to be more challenging than writing the damn thing lol.

But if it was easy than it wouldn't be worth it, right?


Thanks again Quill for the insight

Since your story is much more complex than what was indicated in your original query, and the word count issue is something agents take very seriously, I'd recommend you do the following. You're not gonna like it. It's way harder than trying to condense your story into a few hundred word, but trust me, it's worth it. Ready? Condense your story into a single sentence. Seriously. Think of the log lines you see on movie posters or on the top of a back-of-the-book blurb. You don't have to give details, just sum up the most important, most enticing gist of your story.

Why is this a good thing to do? First, because it forces you to hone in on what's most significant in your story, and what the "hook" is. Second, if you attend conferences or workshops you may be expected to have a one sentence summary at the tip of your tongue. Third, there are several agents who are switching to online submission forms and they almost always ask for a one sentence summary of your story. Fourth, some agents ask for or prefer a query to start with a single sentence log line before launching into the details. Fifth, it will make it easier to tweet promotions of your book because it's easier to get a sentence to fit into 140 characters. And last, but certainly not least, when you can describe your book in one sentence having 150-300 words to describe it suddenly feels like a luxury.

In case you're wondering, yes, I did all of this with my first novel's query. Pain in the butt, but it really really helped.

And pay close attention to quill's critique advice---he's without question one of the best critiquers on this site.

That sounds like some pretty good advice...although I have no idea where to begin. You said you did it for your novels....if you don't mind me asking...what was the single sentence summary you used and how long did it take you to come up with?

Obviously to all, I am very new at this. I'm thankful for any piece of advice I can get.

Hopefully the creative juices will start flowing soon!

Philabuster wrote:That sounds like some pretty good advice...although I have no idea where to begin. You said you did it for your novels....if you don't mind me asking...what was the single sentence summary you used and how long did it take you to come up with?

Obviously to all, I am very new at this. I'm thankful for any piece of advice I can get.

Hopefully the creative juices will start flowing soon!

I used two log lines for my novel, Meant To Be.

Sometimes you're already committed to the wrong person when fate finally brings the right one.

and

Daniel and Marienne's friendship has helped them weather every hardship, from his divorce to her widowhood, now they're both secretly wondering if it could survive a first kiss.

I dug up my old query thread, which is a year old but contains the many, many, many versions of my query. I used almost all the versions at some point, and they each yielded at least a few requests. If it will help you to read how other people go through the revision process for query letters, feel free to take a look: viewtopic.php?f=13&t=1885&p=20138#p20138