Nathan Bransford - The Forums

Hi all, I could use a little help with the first draft of this query for a 47K MG magical realism novel. I'd appreciate any thoughts you have. It's amazing how someone else's read of a query can change everything. So bring it on!

Animals don’t talk. So when they wake twelve-year old Annie in the middle of the night asking for help, she is 100% sure she’s either dreaming or crazy—that is until they start disappearing.

Because she possesses a rare gift, the ability to talk to animals, neighborhood pets recruit her to help them fight the brewing battle against jealous wild animals. She resists. After all, dealing with bossy, boy-obsessed friends keeps her plenty busy. It doesn’t help when she learns that Zach, the boy her best friend has a crush on, not only talks to animals, too, he’s on the wrong side of the war.

Annie doesn’t know who to trust or how she can help negotiate a truce, but when the wild animals kidnap her little brother, she’ll fight any creature in her path in order to free him.

Thanks, Tricia
http://www.tclasen.blogspot.com

trirae wrote:
Animals don’t talk. So when they wake twelve-year old Annie in the middle of the night asking for help, she is 100% sure she’s either dreaming or crazy—that is until they start disappearing.

This is okay, but I think sentence structure could be improved. How about "...dreaming or crazy. Until they start disappearing."

There is also a slight unclarity with the fact that you refer to these animals twice by calling them "they". It might be better to be more specific, so that when they start disappearing we can empathize, because we know who they are. Obviously she knows these animals. Are they neighborhood pets?

Because she possesses a rare gift, the ability to talk to animals, neighborhood pets recruit her to help them fight the brewing battle against jealous wild animals.

Couple of problems to fix here.

1. "Because she possesses a gift, pets recruit her" doesn't quite make sense as written. It might tie the nature of the gift in better if you rephrase something like this: "Because she possesses the rare gift of being able to talk to animals, pets recruit her."

2. This brewing battle sounds like a major plot point, and yet you say next to nothing about it. Might give us more emotional connection if we learned a bit more here.

She resists. After all, dealing with bossy, boy-obsessed friends keeps her plenty busy.

She's sounding petty. She won't help (by employing her rare gift) in this very unusual and seemingly important situation because she's busy? With bossy, boy-obsessed friends?

It doesn’t help when she learns that Zach, the boy her best friend has a crush on, not only talks to animals, too, he’s on the wrong side of the war.

"It doesn't help" doesn't get this important sentence off to a powerful start. What is "It". Doesn't help what?

Otherwise it sounds like an intriguing setup.

Annie doesn’t know who to trust or how she can help negotiate a truce, but when the wild animals kidnap her little brother, she’ll fight any creature in her path in order to free him.

Okay.

Still, would be good to hear a little more about this conflict up front, so we can have some context and emotional investment here.

Good luck with the project.

trirae wrote:Hi all, I could use a little help with the first draft of this query for a 47K MG magical realism novel. I'd appreciate any thoughts you have. It's amazing how someone else's read of a query can change everything. So bring it on!

47K sounds really short to me. Is that normal MG length?


Animals don’t talk. So when they wake twelve-year old Annie in the middle of the night asking for help, she is 100% sure she’s either dreaming or crazy—that is until they start disappearing.

This paragraph reads as though it's kind of forced. Can you work it to lead with the ideas in the second paragraph?

Because she possesses a rare gift, the ability to talk to animals, neighborhood pets recruit her to help them fight the brewing battle against jealous wild animals. She resists. After all, dealing with bossy, boy-obsessed friends keeps her plenty busy. It doesn’t help when she learns that Zach, the boy her best friend has a crush on, not only talks to animals, too, he’s on the wrong side of the war.

I get you're trying to establish she's a typical teenager with boy obsessed friends, but as Quill said, this line makes her seem less interesting to me (as an adult reader). I do, however, like the setup of someone that matters to her leading the wild animals. It sounds like neither side is clearly right or wrong, which I like a lot.

Annie doesn’t know who to trust or how she can help negotiate a truce, but when the wild animals kidnap her little brother, she’ll fight any creature in her path in order to free him.

Thanks, Tricia
http://www.tclasen.blogspot.com

I don't read or write MG, so take the advice with a bit of salt. But I love fantasy of all sorts, and this is kind of fantasy.

Very useful comments so far. I appreciate it. Looking forward to hearing what others say.

Just a note, Matt, 47K is typical middle-grade length. Thanks for checking in on that.

Tricia

trirae wrote:Animals don’t talk. So when they wake twelve-year old Annie in the middle of the night asking for help, she is 100% sure she’s either dreaming or crazy—that is until they start disappearing. I liked this up to the em-dash. Something about the dash followed by "that is" that reminded me I was reading a writer's words, not being lost in the story. I'd actually end the sentence at the dash and make the next part its own sentence, adding in some more tension. What's the big deal about the animals going missing? Make us worry and care a bit more about that, and show why it forces Annie to believe they really do talk.

Because she possesses a rare gift, the ability to talk to animals, you already established that that's her gift, I don't think you need to emphasize it again neighborhood pets recruit her to help them fight the brewing battle against jealous wild animals. Again, I don't sense any urgency or tension in this. Why is the war so dangerous? What are the stakes not only for the animals, but for Annie as well? What is it that makes Annie join the war? She resists. After all, dealing with bossy, boy-obsessed friends keeps her plenty busy. It doesn’t help when she learns that Zach, the boy her best friend has a crush on, not only talks to animals, too, he’s on the wrong side of the war. Lots of info in a long sentence. If you broke this up, I think it would help. It feels like an infodump.

Annie doesn’t know who to trust or how she can help negotiate a truce, but when the wild animals kidnap her little brother, she’ll fight any creature in her path in order to free him. Aahhh! We FINALLY figure out what the stakes are! They're good, too, but by this time I'm not caring enough about Annie or the animals to really get in a bunch about her brother.

Thanks, Tricia
http://www.tclasen.blogspot.com

Overall opinion: Annie has no personality in this query. She's just a girl with a rare gift. Therefore, her struggle against the animals, her bossy friends, this other special boy, and then her brother being kidnapped don't strike a chord with me. They're just events happening to a stranger. Give us more of a taste of Annie and that would go a long way to making this a lot better.

Your query right now is 140 words. The "golden zone" that Nathan and other agents have mentioned is 250 words. So really, you have a lot more space to tell us more about this book. I'd really like to know more about the animal war and what the dangers are involving it, for the animals and for humans. Right now it doesn't have any sense of danger to it, which means there isn't much to really care about.

If I can save a fellow traveler from frustration, I will. Labeling a fantasy fable magical realism gives me pause. I believe it would give pause to an agent or publisher too.

Magical realism as I know it, and I believe the publishing marketplace knows it, blurs the distinction between metaphysical phenomena and mundane objective realities. Either or both supernatural and paranormal motifs are incorporated in such a way they are part of society's cultural zeitgeist and part of the everyday objective reality. And mundane objective reality motifs are incorporated in such a way they are part of the society's extraordinary miracles. In other words, magic thinking that's taken as a given by the society as a whole, though the metaphysical and mundane gifts might only occur in a rare few persons.

A protagonist talking to animals in a society where such is a paranormal phenomena and not taken by the society as an objective reality doesn't strike me as magical realism on its surface. And I don't see magical realism's second convention of mundane objective reality taken as miraculous.

Also, middle grade genre strikes me as a challenging form to pull off magical realism in both regards and still pass moral authorities' censorships.