Nathan Bransford - The Forums

Hi all,

I’m wading into the Bransforum query waters. I submitted this one as part of agent Kristin Nelson’s fantasy query critique last fall and got some great feedback from her. She liked the first several paragraphs – no changes and thought they worked well (FYI - I incorporated both MCs in my query approach). However, she mentioned I should be more specific about the final conflict in my original closing paragraph—I’ve tried to accomplish that in this version. Let me know if I succeeded...

I want to be sure the query is 1) clear and 2) enticing before I put it in front of agents for real. Any and all feedback is greatly appreciated! Thanks much.


Crysta din Aelwynn is returning from the arduous solo sail that proves her worth as a Windfarer Star Seeker—a position of honor and duty among her seafaring people, which grants the heavens’ power to navigate, defend and heal.

When her sinking boat strands her near an injured man at the base of Mount Aran’s feared black cliffs, Crysta refuses to stand idle while a fellow Windfarer dies. She ignores the traditions that forbid her premature use of power and heals him.

Except Jaff is no Windfarer.

His nation hunted previous generations of Star Seekers to near extinction. Crysta can’t bring herself to kill a man she just healed, but she doesn’t dare let Jaff return to the mountain.

Jaff wakes on the beach with a knife drawn on him, missing the sword that’s never left his side. Worse, he can’t piece together the events that landed him in the path of this exotic dagger-wielding woman. While he’s swept into Crysta’s world to fend for himself aboard the great Windfarer city-ships, Jaff wrestles with persistent internal warnings that urge him home.

There, Mount Aran’s new ruler vows to fulfill the vengeful plan of a long-dead woman. He bargains with living shadows that threaten to extinguish the stars, releases sinister forces stirring in the mountain’s very rocks, and spawns a legendary storm that slams into Crysta and Jaff at sea. Crysta fears her untested Seeker abilities won’t be enough to stop it, and even if she can, she’s not sure whether her fledgling alliance with Jaff is a shield against the rising dark or a catalyst that will lead both their peoples to a dangerous future.

Hello, I'm new around here but I caught your query and would be interested in posting my thoughts:

Nicole R wrote:Hi all,

I’m wading into the Bransforum query waters. I submitted this one as part of agent Kristin Nelson’s fantasy query critique last fall and got some great feedback from her. She liked the first several paragraphs – no changes and thought they worked well (FYI - I incorporated both MCs in my query approach). However, she mentioned I should be more specific about the final conflict in my original closing paragraph—I’ve tried to accomplish that in this version. Let me know if I succeeded...

I want to be sure the query is 1) clear and 2) enticing before I put it in front of agents for real. Any and all feedback is greatly appreciated! Thanks much.


Crysta din Aelwynn is returning from the arduous solo sail that proves her worth as a Windfarer Star Seeker—a position of honor and duty among her seafaring people, which grants the heavens’ power to navigate, defend and heal. This is a good strong start. You identify your MC, her task, and what it means to her.

When her sinking boat strands her near an injured man at the base of Mount Aran’s feared black cliffs, Crysta refuses to stand idle while a fellow Windfarer dies. She ignores the traditions that forbid her premature use of power and heals him.

Except Jaff is no Windfarer.

His nation hunted previous generations of Star Seekers to near extinction. Crysta can’t bring herself to kill a man she just healed, but she doesn’t dare let Jaff return to the mountain.

Just a little confusing here. Crysta is a Windfarer and she won't let another of her kind die, but Jaffa is not a Windfarer. Perhaps this could be rewritten to something like:

When her sinking boat strands her near an injured man at the base of Mount Aran’s feared black cliffs, Crysta ignores the tradtions that forbid the premature use of her powers and heals the man. It is a decision she soon regrets. The man Jaffa is one of the mountain people who have hunted Star Seekers and her kind for generations.


Jaff (or is it Jaffa?) wakes on the beach with a knife drawn on him, missing the sword that’s never left his side. Worse, he can’t piece together the events that landed him in the path of this exotic dagger-wielding woman. While he’s sSwept into Crysta’s world, Jaffa must fend for himself aboard the great Windfarer city-ships despite, Jaff wrestles with persistent internalwarnings that urge him home.

There, Mount Aran’sThe mountain people's new ruler vows to fulfill the vengeance vengefulplanned by a long-dead woman. He bargains with living shadows that threaten to extinguish the stars, releases sinister forces stirring in the mountain’s very rocks, and spawns a legendary storm that slams into Crysta and Jaff at sea. Crysta fears her untested Seeker abilities won’t be enough to stop it, and even if she can, she’s not sure whether her fledgling alliance with Jaff is a shield against the rising dark or a catalyst that will lead both their peoples to a dangerous future.

Other notes and questions. The first sections strike me as very strong, but the secondary plot of the mountain king seems almost bolted to the story. Is there some connection between the mountain ruler and Jaffa that could be hinted in the beginning? What other special abilities do Seekers have? I hope this was helpful.

Thanks Retro! It was helpful indeed. You confirmed what I'd already suspected...I still need to work on that last paragraph.