YA Paranormal Romance WIP
Posted: June 20th, 2011, 7:53 pm
Hi! 
This is a scene I wrote a while back for my PR young adult series. I've gone over it a couple of times but I'm sure there's plenty of room for improvement. This is also the first time I'm sharing anything regarding this series with anyone since the thought of submitting it for publishing didn't occur to me until recently. It's not necessarily the start of the novel, per say, but I do think it's better than the mindless garb I've written before so I'd like to polish it up and shift it into the story somewhere.
...that might not make much sense to anyone. I'll explain: I write scene by scene in a non-chronological way.
Any constructive criticism will be appreciated!
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“Joe.”
His steel blue eyes lifted to her face. The rhythm of her heart changed, as it always did when he looked at her. One beat chased the next, her stomach dropped away, and her head floated to the heavens – and all the while there was her conscience shrieking like a banshee. A cacophony of sheer terror.
“Please... don’t do this. ” Her voice quivered. Her nerves twitched. “I can’t do this again. Joe...please.”
Something flickered across his aristocratic features, and his golden eyebrows pulled together in a soft frown. “Nixie, you ran away from me. I have spent the past three years trying to find you. This is not something I can simply put behind me –”
“Yes! Yes, it is, Joe. I’ve moved on. I have a life. I’m happy where I am right now. Why can’t you just accept that you and I... it’s just not meant to be,” Nixie said, casting an anxious glance at his brother.
“If I can go back in time, I can do things differently. I can make you happy, Nixie.”
She drew a deep breath, and her voice came out hard. “No. What is done is done. There are no second chances, not anymore.”
A sliver of ice slid into his gaze. A vein against his temple twitched. Joe Firestone had always been sinfully beautiful; taller than the average guy, with wide soulful eyes that could melt your heart or freeze your mind, hair as dazzling as freshly fallen snow, and lips sculpted to seduce the holiest of saints. But when his temper flared, and his eyes scorched her with the fire of his will, his beauty was terrifying.
Joe licked his lips and advanced a step toward her. “What are you saying, Nixie?”
“I’ve graduated college. I bought my first car a year ago, I’m an intern at the local newspaper, I’m saving up to go back home and visit my family for Christmas. I’m happy where I am, I don’t want to lose it all again because of you.”
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This is a scene I wrote a while back for my PR young adult series. I've gone over it a couple of times but I'm sure there's plenty of room for improvement. This is also the first time I'm sharing anything regarding this series with anyone since the thought of submitting it for publishing didn't occur to me until recently. It's not necessarily the start of the novel, per say, but I do think it's better than the mindless garb I've written before so I'd like to polish it up and shift it into the story somewhere.
...that might not make much sense to anyone. I'll explain: I write scene by scene in a non-chronological way.
Any constructive criticism will be appreciated!
____________________________________________________________________________________________________
“Joe.”
His steel blue eyes lifted to her face. The rhythm of her heart changed, as it always did when he looked at her. One beat chased the next, her stomach dropped away, and her head floated to the heavens – and all the while there was her conscience shrieking like a banshee. A cacophony of sheer terror.
“Please... don’t do this. ” Her voice quivered. Her nerves twitched. “I can’t do this again. Joe...please.”
Something flickered across his aristocratic features, and his golden eyebrows pulled together in a soft frown. “Nixie, you ran away from me. I have spent the past three years trying to find you. This is not something I can simply put behind me –”
“Yes! Yes, it is, Joe. I’ve moved on. I have a life. I’m happy where I am right now. Why can’t you just accept that you and I... it’s just not meant to be,” Nixie said, casting an anxious glance at his brother.
“If I can go back in time, I can do things differently. I can make you happy, Nixie.”
She drew a deep breath, and her voice came out hard. “No. What is done is done. There are no second chances, not anymore.”
A sliver of ice slid into his gaze. A vein against his temple twitched. Joe Firestone had always been sinfully beautiful; taller than the average guy, with wide soulful eyes that could melt your heart or freeze your mind, hair as dazzling as freshly fallen snow, and lips sculpted to seduce the holiest of saints. But when his temper flared, and his eyes scorched her with the fire of his will, his beauty was terrifying.
Joe licked his lips and advanced a step toward her. “What are you saying, Nixie?”
“I’ve graduated college. I bought my first car a year ago, I’m an intern at the local newspaper, I’m saving up to go back home and visit my family for Christmas. I’m happy where I am, I don’t want to lose it all again because of you.”
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Overall I think this is a good romantic scene, lots of smoldering detail and tension. I think it might be improved by some tense changes, and maybe picking some of your details a little more carefully, mostly avoiding ones that can sound cliche. 