Nathan Bransford - The Forums

Critique please? I'm working on my second manuscript, (third revision) and I'm having trouble with the normal opening stuff. I want enough momentum to keep the reader engaged, enough grounding to give a sense of reality... but not too much exposition.... etc.
Any thoughts welcome!

Alien Academy, YA Scifi

Sam began his first press conference with at least three handicaps. The tattoo on his face was no good on screen. He caught a glimpse of himself, and he looked vicious and unsympathetic. Second handicap - his mentor hung a twenty-foot poster of Sam in the lobby where the press entered. It looked like an updated Hitler youth ad. Third and worst of all, Sam hadn’t gotten to eat since hitting Earth, and the jumpsickness grew every minute. Between the tattoo, the poster, and the possible puking, Sam’s job might be over before it started. He had about five minutes to adjust his speech, and then he was on.

Journalists and TV crews filled the front rows of the cathedral and shouted questions toward Sam and the other young cadets on stage.
“Did the aliens abuse you!” a reporter yelled.
“Have you been allowed to contact your family?!”
“Did the Spo brainwash you?!”

Sam glanced back at the cadets behind him. They stood in ranks, and more than half of them looked jumpsick too. The Spo made a mistake having this press conference so soon. They had questioned Sam at length on this event, but they only took bits of his advice. Instead of releasing footage of the cadets getting off the spaceship at LAX, they sprung them on the world unannounced. They didn’t notify the cadets’ families of their return, only the press.

Sam hadn’t been on Earth in six years, not since he was a child, and the bright California sun stung his eyes. The aliens chose the Crystal Cathedral in Los Angeles for this event, but the sun refracted through the 10,000 panels of glass in the cathedral and overwhelmed Sam’s darkened vision. The sour taste of Earth’s atmosphere didn’t help his jumpsickness either.

Sam tried to swallow the yuck in his mouth as his mentor, the alien named Greg, started the press conference.

“Quiet! Time for questions will come,” Greg said. He crouched in front of a microphone, all knees and height and folded limbs. He was typical Spo, a cross between a praying mantis and a basketball player. His face was humanoid, except for the eyestalks. His eyestalks were twitchy and expressive and might have been cute on a cartoon alien.

After a few opening words he gestured with one clawed hand for Sam to step forward. “This is our head cadet,” Greg rumbled into the microphone. He couldn’t soften the raspy timbre of the Spo. “He will speak next.”

Sam felt sweat trickle down his forehead. Six years of grueling training on an alien planet and speaking to his own people made him sweat. He clicked on the wireless mike as he stepped to the front of the stage.

“Hey there,” he said, trying for casual. The standing in ranks thing was a terrible idea, made the cadets look like soldiers. Yet another handicap.

“Hey there,” he said again. “As Greg said, my name is Sam. I can’t tell you how glad I am to be home. We all are. The last six years have been…real interesting.”

A frenzy of shouting rose from the crowd, but Sam was performing now. He ignored his stomach, unfocused his eyes, and let his ears take over. He differentiated the voices while adjusting his plan.

“My turn first!” Sam said, laughing. “I gotta say hi to my family in Cloudcroft.” Sam waved into the cameras.

“I’m thrilled to be home. We all are. We’re not hurt or anything.” Sam turned back toward the other ninety cadets. “Come on, guys, wave! We’re home.”

They took a few seconds to break from ranks, but some of them clearly understood Sam’s goal. They stepped out of line, grinning and waving at the crowd. Lights flashed as cameramen got digital shots, and the red lights of live video feeds rippled to life. The question frenzy started again.

You have something real interesting here. Hopefully the few things I have to say will help. You might try a different way of introducing terms such a Spo. You use it several times in ways that make it hard to understand what the term is actually referring to.

corriegarrett wrote:Critique please? I'm working on my second manuscript, (third revision) and I'm having trouble with the normal opening stuff. I want enough momentum to keep the reader engaged, enough grounding to give a sense of reality... but not too much exposition.... etc.
Any thoughts welcome!

Alien Academy, YA Scifi

Sam began his first press conference with at least three handicaps. The tattoo on his face was no good on screen. He caught a glimpse of himself, and he looked vicious and unsympathetic. Second handicap - his mentor hung a twenty-foot poster of Sam in the lobby where the press entered. It looked like an updated Hitler youth ad.You might be able to mention the tattoo here too, Third and worst of all, Sam hadn’t gotten to eat since hitting Earth, and the jumpsickness grew every minute. Between the tattoo, the poster, and the possible puking, Sam’s job might be over before it started. He had about five minutes to adjust his speech, and then he was on. Interesting beginning. Pretty strong.

Journalists and TV crews filled the front rows of the cathedral and shouted questions toward Sam and the other young cadets on stage.
“Did the aliens abuse you!” a reporter yelled.
“Have you been allowed to contact your family?!”
“Did the Spo brainwash you?!”

Sam glanced back at the cadets behind him. They stood in ranks, and more than half of them looked jumpsick too. The Spo made a mistake having this press conference so soon. Are the Spo the government? Or are they aliens? Based on the earlier usage of the term Spo they sound like they were the aliens. They had questioned Sam at length on this event, but they only took bits of his advice. Instead of releasing footage of the cadets getting off the spaceship at LAX, they sprung them on the world unannounced. They didn’t notify the cadets’ families of their return, only the press.

Sam hadn’t been on Earth in six years, not since he was a child, and the bright California sun stung his eyes. The aliens earlier you said the Spo called the conference not the aliens chose the Crystal Cathedral in Los Angeles for this event, but the sun refracted through the 10,000 ten thousand panels of glass in the cathedral and overwhelmed Sam’s darkened vision. The sour taste of Earth’s atmosphere didn’t help his jumpsickness either.

Sam tried to swallow the yuck in his mouth as his mentor, the alien named Greg, started the press conference.

“Quiet! Time for questions will come,” Greg said. He crouched in front of a microphone, all knees and height and folded limbs. He was typical Spo, a cross between a praying mantis and a basketball player. His face was humanoid, except for the eyestalks. His eyestalks were twitchy and expressive and might have been cute on a cartoon alien. Okay so the Spo are the aliens.

After a few opening words he gestured with one clawed hand for Sam to step forward. “This is our head cadet,” Greg rumbled into the microphone. He couldn’t soften the raspy timbre of the Spo. “He will speak next.”

Sam felt sweat trickle down his forehead. Six years of grueling training on an alien planet and speaking to his own people made him sweat. He clicked on the wireless mike as he stepped to the front of the stage.

“Hey there,” he said, trying for casual. The standing in ranks thing was a terrible idea, made the cadets look like soldiers.You may try to find another way to word this last sentence. It seems unprofessional. Definitely remove the word thing Yet another handicap.

“Hey there,” he said again. “As Greg said, my name is Sam. I can’t tell you how glad I am to be home. We all are. The last six years have been…real interesting.”

A frenzy of shouting rose from the crowd, but Sam was performing now. He ignored his stomach, unfocused his eyes, and let his ears take over. He differentiated the voices while adjusting his plan.

“My turn first!” Sam said, laughing. “I gotta say hi to my family in Cloudcroft.” Sam waved into the cameras.

“I’m thrilled to be home. We all are. We’re not hurt or anything.” Sam turned back toward the other ninety cadets. “Come on, guys, wave! We’re home.”

They took a few seconds to break from ranks, but some of them clearly understood Sam’s goal. They stepped out of line, grinning and waving at the crowd. Lights flashed as cameramen got digital shots, and the red lights of live video feeds rippled to life. The question frenzy started again. Great description on this last part, I can picture it vividly.

Thanks Roarshark! I see what you mean about the Spo - they are the aliens, and the aliens are sort of the government, but I need to clear that up a bit. I appreciate all your help.

Cool concept, Corrie! I love the idea of taking YA more into the SciFi realms. Overall, I get a pretty good sense of Sam as a character from this excerpt, though there are places I think you can clarify. I agree with RoarShark about the Spo term - it was a bit confusing until the third mention. My other thoughts are below. Good luck!

corriegarrett wrote: Alien Academy, YA Scifi

Sam began his first press conference with at least three handicaps. The tattoo on his face was no good on screen. He caught a glimpse of himself, and he looked vicious and unsympathetic. Second handicap - his mentor hung a twenty-foot poster of Sam in the lobby where the press entered. It looked like an updated Hitler youth ad. Third and worst of all, Sam hadn’t gotten to eat since hitting Earth, and the jumpsickness grew every minute. Between the tattoo, the poster, and the possible puking, Sam’s job might be over before it started. He had about five minutes to adjust his speech, and then he was on. I like this paragraph, though I think you can tighten it quite a bit. My biggest question is "What's Sam's job?" You mention his handicaps and the fact that his job might be over before it starts, but at this point, we don't even know what he's there to do. Is he recruiting? Later paragraphs make it seem like this is a "homecoming" press conference for cadets taken and trained by the aliens, but if that's the case, I don't think the media would see Sam's scar, poster or puke as handicaps. They'd eat it up as a great story.

Journalists and TV crews filled the front rows of the cathedral and shouted questions toward Sam and the other young cadets on stage.
“Did the aliens abuse you!” a reporter yelled.
“Have you been allowed to contact your family?!”
“Did the Spo brainwash you?!”
Again, I want to know what the purpose of the press conference is. The media's reaction seems at odds with Sam's thoughts and emotions. Plus, if humans were truly that afraid the aliens had brainwashed or abused Sam and the others, why are they allowing a press conference where aliens are on the stage with their "captives?"

Sam glanced back delete back at the other (on my first read-through, I assumed Sam ranked above the cadets, but he's actually one of them. Might want to make that clear)cadets behind him. They stood in ranks, and more than half of them looked jumpsick too. The Spo made a mistake having this press conference so soon. They had delete had questioned Sam at length on this event, but they only took bits of his advice. Instead of releasing footage of the cadets getting off the spaceship at LAX, they sprung them on the world unannounced. They didn’t notify the cadets’ families of their return, only the press.

Sam hadn’t been on Earth in six years, not since he was a child, and the bright California sun stung his eyes. So how old is Sam? I'm guessing mid-teens, but we don't really know yet. The aliens chose the Crystal Cathedral in Los Angeles for this event, but the sun refracted through the 10,000 panels of glass in the cathedral and overwhelmed Sam’s darkened vision. The sour taste of Earth’s atmosphere didn’t help his jumpsickness either. Sam's thoughts and reactions here make me wonder what his emotions are. Here and earlier, it seems like he's thrown in with the aliens and isn't all that stoked to be back on Earth. But his dialogue below re: his family, etc., makes it seem like he's happy to be home. Can you give us a deeper glimpse?Sam tried to swallow the yuck in his mouth as his mentor, the alien named Greg, started the press conference.

“Quiet! Time for questions will come,” Greg said. He crouched in front of a microphone, all knees and height and folded limbs. He was typical Spo, a cross between a praying mantis and a basketball player. His face was humanoid, except for the eyestalks. His eyestalks were twitchy and expressive and might have been cute on a cartoon alien. I liked the last line

After a few opening words comma he gestured with one clawed hand for Sam to step forward. Ooh, I really want to know Greg's opening words! “This is our head cadet,” Greg rumbled into the microphone. He couldn’t soften the raspy timbre of the Spo. “He will speak next.”

Sam felt sweat trickle down his forehead. Six years of grueling training on an alien planet and speaking to his own people made him sweat. He clicked on the wireless mike as he stepped to the front of the stage. What's at stake here? Why is he nervous - that it's been so long, that he'll screw up somehow? Are things NOT really fine, and he's lying about them? Is it typical nerves or is something more riding on his performance? I'm not sure you necessarily need to work the answer into these pages, but I hope it comes out at some point. You've got me intrigued!

“Hey there,” he said, trying for casual. The standing in ranks thing was a terrible idea, made the cadets look like soldiers. Aren't they? You call them cadets. Yet another handicap. Why is this seen as a handicap? What image are they trying to project with this conference?

“Hey there,” he said again. “As Greg said, my name is Sam. I can’t tell you how glad I am to be home. He doesn't seem like it. We all are. The last six years have been…real interesting.”

A frenzy of shouting rose from the crowd, but Sam was performing now. He ignored his stomach, unfocused his eyes, and let his ears take over. He differentiated the voices while adjusting his plan. Not sure I get this last line or the transition to the next line of dialogue. I'm guessing you mean they're shouting questions at him and he jokingly tells them he's going to talk first. Something about it fell flat for me.

“My turn first!” Sam said, laughing. “I gotta say hi to my family in Cloudcroft.” Sam waved into the cameras.

“I’m thrilled to be home. We all are. We’re not hurt or anything.” Sam turned back toward the other ninety cadets. “Come on, guys, wave! We’re home.”

They took a few seconds to break from ranks, but some of them clearly understood Sam’s goal. They stepped out of line, grinning and waving at the crowd. Lights flashed as cameramen got digital shots, and the red lights of live video feeds rippled to life. The question frenzy started again. You set a really nice tone in this opening. Well done!