Nathan Bransford - The Forums

Hi everyone! I've shown my query to my beta readers and gotten a lukewarm or chilly response - "well, it doesn't make me NOT want to read the book". But no one has any bright ideas on how to fix it! I know that you wonderful people can help me out. I've been staring at it for so long that I'm making myself crazy. So please, help me find a new perspective.
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Dear Agent,

Dee Lykos always follows the rules.  As a smuggler running illicit cargo through a demon-filled underworld, the rules keep her safe.  But after a child psychic tells her that “something big is coming”, the rules may no longer be enough to keep Dee alive.

Dee is on the lookout for the something big when powerful new client Arvad Karil reveals his intention to overthrow the religious regime governing the human world.  According to Karil, the world is broken, and Dee has to agree.  She’s damn tired of living as a repressed minority in a society where religious devotionals are mandatory, agitators are sentenced to re-education camps, and practicing magic is a capital offense.  Shit, even cigarettes are illegal.  And with government spies everywhere, Dee isn’t sure that she can trust her new partner, Rigo Torrigan.

Karil seems to have the answer to Dee’s problems.  But when Rigo’s girlfriend is kidnapped and Dee’s friend and experienced co-worker goes missing, Dee has an uneasy feeling that the psychic’s something big and Karil’s plan are one and the same. Faced with an unimaginable alternative, Dee must fight to keep her oppressors in power.  She might even have to break a few rules.

DEMON ROAD is an urban fantasy complete at 85,000 words. It is a stand alone with series potential.

Thank you for your time and consideration.

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And thank YOU, forum people, for your help!

Anna Geletka wrote: Dee Lykos always follows the rules.  As a smuggler running illicit cargo through a demon-filled underworld, the rules keep her safe. 

Hmm. I'm thinking rules are usually like governmental laws (or maybe corporate procedures), but here you have Dee running illicit cargo and following rules. What kind of rules are these? Whose rules are these?

Also, sentence structure: subject non-correspondence: "As a smuggler, the rules keep her safe." As written you have the rules being a smuggler.

But after a child psychic tells her that “something big is coming”, the rules may no longer be enough to keep Dee alive.

Not quite coherent. Just because someone tells her something does not mean the rules may not be enough.

It would make sense if you said "after a psychic tells her...she thinks (or some such) the rules may not be enough..."

Also, I hope these rules play in to your story/query blurb, but looking ahead I see they do not. So I wonder if the "rules" angle is really an effective opener.

Dee is on the lookout for the something big when powerful new client Arvad Karil reveals his intention to overthrow the religious regime governing the human world. 

A slight negative resonance from the repeat of the term "something big". Wondering if you could rephrase, as this is not a particularly hooky catchphrase to bear repeating here.

According to Karil, the world is broken, and Dee has to agree.

A bit awkward. It reads like "according to Karil, Dee has to agree." Like he's enforcing her agreement. Not sure if this how you mean it. I suspect not. Maybe break into two sentences to clarify: According to Karil, the world is broken. Dee has to agree." (Or, "Dee agrees".)

 

She’s damn tired of living as a repressed minority in a society where religious devotionals are mandatory, agitators are sentenced to re-education camps, and practicing magic is a capital offense.  Shit, even cigarettes are illegal. 

Not sure the two swear words work here. They seem a little abrupt and gratuitous, even though I appreciate you trying to show her anger/frustration.

Also, a bit unclear to me where we are now. I thought Dee was operating in a demon world, and now she's living as a minority in the human world? Or is she a minority in the demon world?

And with government spies everywhere, Dee isn’t sure that she can trust her new partner, Rigo Torrigan.

Karil seems to have the answer to Dee’s problems.  But when Rigo’s girlfriend is kidnapped and Dee’s friend and experienced co-worker goes missing, Dee has an uneasy feeling that the psychic’s something big and Karil’s plan are one and the same.

A lot of info. I think you can safely omit Rigo from this query. And the govt spies, probably. I skipped over those parts to try it and it reads fine.

Faced with an unimaginable alternative, Dee must fight to keep her oppressors in power.

I'm liking the plot of your story, but this finish line of your query might have more punch if it was more specific. What is the alternative? Who are her oppressors?

 

She might even have to break a few rules.

This lacks punch since we have no idea whatsoever what these rules might be, or how by breaking them she could be more successful.

DEMON ROAD is an urban fantasy complete at 85,000 words. It is a stand alone with series potential.

Thank you for your time and consideration.

Good, but I'm not sure I get why this isn't SciFi or straight fantasy. Didn't get an urban vibe and there's no city described. All I get is that we're shuttling cargo in a demon-filled underworld.

Quill, thanks for the excellent feedback!

Concerning the genre, the book is primarily set in a modern city, which is why I have it classified as urban fantasy. Do you think I need to make that city setting explicit within the query itself?

A reference to city might be good, just to tie it in clearly to the genre. And to solidify the setting.

I agree with Quill's comments. I was confused about where the story takes place. At first I thought it was the underworld, but then later it seems like she is in the regular world. Is the religious regime ruling the regular world or the underworld? And is she human? What about the other characters? I can't tell if some of them are demons or not.

I also was caught off guard when you started with rules and then say she's a smuggler, which sounds like she's not following rules. If they're rules of smuggling, lay that out.

I don't know if you should put "something big is coming" in quotes because as Quill says, it doesn't sound very original.

It sounds like your story has a lot of potential, but the query is confusing at this point. I had the same problem with my first version . Good luck!

This is very interesting!
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Dear Agent,

Dee Lykos always follows the rules.  As a smuggler running illicit cargo through a demon-filled underworld, the rules keep her safe. 

If the rules thing really describes your character, I think it could work with a little more detail. For instance, is she a play-it-safe kind of person forced into a dangerous job because of her status? (repressed minority) If so, that could be a major source of internal struggle: she tries to impose order on her illegal life with 'rules', but soon even that illusion of security is taken away from her... or something? Maybe if you add a sentence making that part of her arc that could work. On the other hand, if that's not really the kind of person she is, it might be better to start with a different indicator of her personality.


But after a child psychic tells her that “something big is coming”, the rules may no longer be enough to keep Dee alive.

Dee is on the lookout for the something big when powerful new client Arvad Karil reveals his intention to overthrow the religious regime governing the human world.  According to Karil, the world is broken, and Dee has to agree.  She’s damn tired of living as a repressed minority in a society where religious devotionals are mandatory, agitators are sentenced to re-education camps, and practicing magic is a capital offense.  Shit, even cigarettes are illegal.  And with government spies everywhere, Dee isn’t sure that she can trust her new partner, Rigo Torrigan.

Karil seems to have the answer to Dee’s problems.  But when Rigo’s girlfriend is kidnapped and Dee’s friend and experienced co-worker goes missing, Dee has an uneasy feeling that the psychic’s something big

"something big,"

and Karil’s plan are one and the same. Faced with an unimaginable alternative,

'unimaginable alternative' isn't too helpful. We want to know the stakes, specifically as possible.

Dee must fight to keep her oppressors in power.  She might even have to break a few rules.

DEMON ROAD is an urban fantasy complete at 85,000 words. It is a stand alone with series potential.

I think you have a lot of potential here, really! Good luck with it.

Ok, take two!

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Dee Lykos is one of a small number of people who knows about the demon-infested parallel universe that nestles beneath the human world like a dark twin. Clients contract drivers like Dee to smuggle cargo through the demonverse by vanishing from the human world in one city and appearing with the goods in the next. Drivers have high pay and low life expectancy - unless they follow the unbending rules of the demonverse. Then all they have is the high pay. And Dee always follows the rules.

Dee’s job gives her the ability to temporarily escape her life as a repressed minority in human society. Ever since the Sennists came to power, religious devotionals are mandatory, agitators are sentenced to re-education camps, and practicing magic is a capital offense. Dee would like nothing better than to see the Sennists fall. When powerful new client Arvad Karil reveals his intentions to overthrow the government, she is initially enthusiastic. Until she learns how he plans to do it.

Karil wants to reunite the world with its parallel universe, unleashing demonic magic on humanity. The ensuing chaos will undoubtedly weaken or destroy the ruling regime, but it will also bring death and destruction to millions of innocents. Faced with an unimaginable alternative, Dee must fight to keep her oppressors in power. Too bad the Sennists don’t know she’s on their side. With both factions hunting her, Dee might not be able to stay alive long enough to save the world.

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Thoughts? The Sennists are the oppressive religious regime ruling the human world. I played around quite a bit with the phrasing but couldn't seem to work that in, stated so bluntly. Does the idea still come across?

Hey, that's loads better! Much clearer, and more dramatic.

Wow, the difference between the first and second is HUGE, and in a very good way. Well done. Just a couple of things I spotted...

Anna Geletka wrote:Ok, take two!

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Dee Lykos is one of a small number of people who knows about the demon-infested parallel universe that nestles beneath the human world like a dark twin. Loved that!! Clients contract is that supposed to be "contact"? drivers like Dee to smuggle cargo through the demonverse by vanishing from the human world in one city and appearing with the goods in the next. Drivers have high pay and low life expectancy - unless they follow the unbending rules of the demonverse. That sounds a bit off. When the sentence starts you envisage every driver having a low life expectancy, but then immediately that danger is taken away when I assume that everyone would follow the rules. Why wouldn't they? I presume the demonverse is a pretty horrific place, and very dangerous whether you follow the rules or not--especially to humans. You may need to really hammer that home, just how dangerous it is, because what I get is that "if you follow the rules, it's like driving Miss Daisy". IMO. Then all they have is the high pay. And Dee always follows the rules.

Dee’s job gives her the ability to temporarily escape her life as a repressed minority in human society. Ever since the Sennists came to power, religious devotionals are mandatory, agitators are sentenced to re-education camps, and practicing magic is a capital offense. Dee would like nothing better than to see the Sennists fall. When powerful new client Arvad Karil reveals his intentions to overthrow the government, she is initially enthusiastic. Until she learns how he plans to do it. This just needs a tiny bit more clarification. Maybe all it needs is a conjunction to join the first two sentences, making it clear that the Sennists are in the humanverse. I'm also left wondering why Guy Fawkes would tell a smuggler all his plans. Is there a romantic connection, or is Dee fundamental in his plans? Was he recruiting her and she accepted, meaning she's already part of it whether she likes it or not? Maybe "...initially enthusiastic" isn't strong enough.

Karil wants to reunite the world with its parallel universe, unleashing demonic magic on humanity. The ensuing chaos will undoubtedly weaken or destroy the ruling regime, but it will also bring death and destruction to millions of innocents. Faced with an unimaginable alternative, Dee must fight to keep her oppressors in power. Too bad the Sennists don’t know she’s on their side. With both factions hunting her, Dee might not be able to stay alive long enough to save the world. Brilliant closing paragraph, lots of conflict going on here. As I think someone earlier mentioned, not sure about the "unimaginable alternative", only because I don't think it's actually needed. We know Dee hates the Sennists, but she wouldn't be much of a protagonist if she was okay with millions of innocents dying. Maybe just bung in an adverb, "Dee must fight to begrudgingly keep her oppressors in power." May need a little rephrase or different word.

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Thoughts? The Sennists are the oppressive religious regime ruling the human world. I played around quite a bit with the phrasing but couldn't seem to work that in, stated so bluntly. Does the idea still come across?

Have to say, the first one I read I just didn't know where I was, what was going on. This one makes me want to know more. It sounds like a great idea. My bit about making the demonverse sound horrific I stand by even more now, knowing that its so horrific millions will die if it spills over. I think maybe you just need to come up with a short kick-ass sentence that describes the demonverse in a nutshell. If it's like Hell, then say that, cause it sure sounds like merging the universes would be like unleashing Hell on Earth.

It's almost there

Best of luck.

This is clear and concise. Well done! I have a few small suggestions below.

Dee Lykos is one of a small number of people who knows about the demon-infested parallel universe that nestles beneath the human world like a dark twin. Clients contract drivers like Dee to smuggle cargo through the demonverse by vanishing from the human world in one city and appearing with the goods in the next. Using "contract" as a verb threw me and I had to re-read to understand. How about "Clients hire drivers like Dee"? Drivers have high pay and low life expectancy - unless they follow the unbending rules of the demonverse. Then all they have is the high pay. And Dee always follows the rules.

Dee’s job gives her the ability to temporarily escape her life as a repressed minority in human society. Not clear, but I assume her minority status has to do with her having magical abilities?? Ever since the Sennists came to power, religious devotionals are mandatory, agitators are sentenced to re-education camps, and practicing magic is a capital offense. Dee would like nothing better than to see the Sennists fall. When powerful new client Arvad Karil reveals his intentions to overthrow the government, she is initially enthusiastic. Until she learns how he plans to do it.

Karil wants to reunite the world with its parallel universe, unleashing demonic magic on humanity. Although the ensuing chaos will undoubtedly weaken or destroy the ruling regime, butit will also bring death and destruction to millions of innocents. "Weaken" implies that the demon universe might not prevail, undercutting the tension and Dee's dilemma. If reuniting the two worlds might only be uncomfortable, then Dee could merely choose to do nothing, couldn't she? By dropping weaken, Dee is presented with only two alternatives: destroy the Sennists and many innocents suffer, or preserve the Sennists and many innocents suffer, just at the hands of other humans. Faced with an unimaginable alternative, Dee must fight to keep her oppressors in power. Too bad the Sennists don’t know she’s on their side. With both factions hunting her, Dee might not be able to stay alive long enough to save the world. Ooh, nice dilemma for Dee! Very well done. This makes me want to read more just to find out how Dee might accomplish what seems to be an impossible task.

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Thoughts? The Sennists are the oppressive religious regime ruling the human world. I played around quite a bit with the phrasing but couldn't seem to work that in, stated so bluntly. Does the idea still come across? Yes, it did for me. You show their nature with the mandatory devotionals, re-education camps, and suppression of magic.

Thanks everyone! I think I'm almost there, I can taste it. When I get a finalized version, I'll post it.

eveningdress wrote:Karil seems to have the answer to Dee’s problems. But when Rigo’s girlfriend is kidnapped and Dee’s friend and experienced co-worker goes missing, Dee has an uneasy feeling that the psychic’s something big and Karil’s plan are one and the same. Faced with an unimaginable alternative, Dee must fight to keep her oppressors in power. She might even have to break a few rules.
the word will .....
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Spambot. You've done nothing but quote a paragraph from the query.

Dee Lykos is one of a small number of people who knows about the demon-infested parallel universe that nestles beneath the human world like a dark twin. Clients contract drivers like Dee to smuggle cargo through the demonverse by vanishing from the human world in one city and appearing with the goods in the next. Drivers have high pay and low life expectancy - unless they follow the unbending rules of the demonverse. Then all they have is the high pay. And Dee always follows the rules.

-Instead of saying "Dee Lykos is one of a small number of people who knows about..." you could say "Dee Lykos is one of few who knows..." Look for word concision.
-"parallel universe that nestles beneath the human world like a dark twin". You don't need "dark twin", that's implied by the parallel universe. Also, is it really a universe if it's underground?
-"the unbending rules of the demonverse" and those are? Also, rules are like rules anywhere. It's not like on earth the rules of physics or the laws of America are any more or less unbreakable depending on anything.
-I might restructure it more like this "Dee Lykos is a Driver. She's one of the few who knows about _____, the demon-infested parallel universe, and one of the few who can transport cargo to and from it. Drivers have..."

Dee’s job gives her the ability to temporarily escape her life as a repressed minority in human society. Ever since the Sennists came to power, religious devotionals are mandatory, agitators are sentenced to re-education camps, and practicing magic is a capital offense. Dee would like nothing better than to see the Sennists fall. When powerful new client Arvad Karil reveals his intentions to overthrow the government, she is initially enthusiastic. Until she learns how he plans to do it.

-A repressed minority isn't very specific. Asian? Black? Gay? Give Dee some characteristics. And I might move that tidbit to the beginning paragraph.
-I'm confused about when the story actually starts. Is it when Arvad Karil reveals his plan? If so, that needs to be moved way up. Maybe less about Drivers -- they're not dissimilar from smugglers, so you could just use that instead of jargon.
-Are the Sennists in the human world?
-This sounds similar to Sandman Slim. Maybe consult that for some query ideas.

Karil wants to reunite the world with its parallel universe, unleashing demonic magic on humanity. The ensuing chaos will undoubtedly weaken or destroy the ruling regime, but it will also bring death and destruction to millions of innocents. Faced with an unimaginable alternative, Dee must fight to keep her oppressors in power. Too bad the Sennists don’t know she’s on their side. With both factions hunting her, Dee might not be able to stay alive long enough to save the world.

-The ruling regime in the demon world or humna world?
-What's the unimaginible alternative?
-Is Karil a poerful person/leader or underworld? Is he human or demon?
-Why does Dee care? Is it because she can be not repressed in the demon world? Why can't she just live there?