Existential Fiction - Loose Ideas!
Posted: May 1st, 2011, 4:13 pm
Hey, I'm really quite apprehensive towards this, as i do not know if it really belongs here. It's my first real attempt at writing something like this and it's more of an experimental 'stream-of-consciousness' type thing! Literally any feedback would be greatly appreciated, as i've exhausted a few avenues on the internet and caqme up with nothing so far!
We separated unto the dusty trail. Separated from each other and potentially separated from past, present and future. The place we are supposed to be going to gives little regard for the trivial hands of a clock. It has been said that this destination, this vision, this piece of complete absolution should be the culmination of everything great you have ever done. But what if this “culmination” is little more than a few instances of decent human spirit; teased, taunted and contaminated with reams and reams of evil, malice and spite? What if this ultimate destination was nothing more than an abstract vision that could never be metamorphosed into something physical, something unconditionally absolute? This…this is my fear. But when the word fear is used, it often relates to the element of the unknown that is to be dealt with. The place I am going cannot be feared, for I known exactly what I am doing. The dusty trail, I should have welcomed; yet there was an underwhelming lurch inside my stomach that I could not shirk off. We, indeed, were separating. As they ascended the speckled dusty trail of light particles, I remained stationary. I knew my fate. I was to wallow in the mortal realm of Earth for my lifelong pursuit of all things “dark”. I was not even granted the pleasure of being put to ease.
Hell, I could deal with. And if by some how I cheated myself into Heaven; of course I could settle. But I simply was not going anywhere, which is the issue here; they knew their destiny and I was forgotten by God. Maybe he did not love me. Maybe I did not love him. Either way, it seems there’s no cheating Faith, despite my greatest efforts. Short cuts here, deception there and not one jot of remorse. And, even now, as I struggle to gain some sort of status back, I probably do not even regret it now, even if I have been forgotten. Maybe I forgot me. Maybe I lost my true identity and that’s the problem. Or the problem there is no problem. The idea of a singular identity is overrated, anyway. We’re all looking for something to copy. Daily life, on repeat. Over and over and over. Again. Repeat. Boring.
We are boring and God has forsaken us for a legitimate reason. Think back to the 7 year old child you once might have been, if correctly manufactured. Bored of the toy; throw it away. Bored of your food; throw it away. Throw it away…away…away. Again. Repeat. We are boring but far too stubborn to understand. What would you do if you were in His shoes? You’d replace and look for something better. Get better with God; the new self improvement plan. Get Fucked. We are not just boring. We are despised. I am the model of God and I have been forgotten, so why are these words even being processed in brains across the land? If I’m a microcosm of God’s kingdom and I fucked up, then perhaps he fucked up an awful long time ago. No control over free will? That’s just the laws changing, and God telling us that we are nothing more than a waste of resources. God and His infinite wisdom, never contemplated the idea we might not care for His plan; so do us a favour and leave us to stew in our mess. We can’t be helped, we can’t be saved.
We separated unto the dusty trail. Separated from each other and potentially separated from past, present and future. The place we are supposed to be going to gives little regard for the trivial hands of a clock. It has been said that this destination, this vision, this piece of complete absolution should be the culmination of everything great you have ever done. But what if this “culmination” is little more than a few instances of decent human spirit; teased, taunted and contaminated with reams and reams of evil, malice and spite? What if this ultimate destination was nothing more than an abstract vision that could never be metamorphosed into something physical, something unconditionally absolute? This…this is my fear. But when the word fear is used, it often relates to the element of the unknown that is to be dealt with. The place I am going cannot be feared, for I known exactly what I am doing. The dusty trail, I should have welcomed; yet there was an underwhelming lurch inside my stomach that I could not shirk off. We, indeed, were separating. As they ascended the speckled dusty trail of light particles, I remained stationary. I knew my fate. I was to wallow in the mortal realm of Earth for my lifelong pursuit of all things “dark”. I was not even granted the pleasure of being put to ease.
Hell, I could deal with. And if by some how I cheated myself into Heaven; of course I could settle. But I simply was not going anywhere, which is the issue here; they knew their destiny and I was forgotten by God. Maybe he did not love me. Maybe I did not love him. Either way, it seems there’s no cheating Faith, despite my greatest efforts. Short cuts here, deception there and not one jot of remorse. And, even now, as I struggle to gain some sort of status back, I probably do not even regret it now, even if I have been forgotten. Maybe I forgot me. Maybe I lost my true identity and that’s the problem. Or the problem there is no problem. The idea of a singular identity is overrated, anyway. We’re all looking for something to copy. Daily life, on repeat. Over and over and over. Again. Repeat. Boring.
We are boring and God has forsaken us for a legitimate reason. Think back to the 7 year old child you once might have been, if correctly manufactured. Bored of the toy; throw it away. Bored of your food; throw it away. Throw it away…away…away. Again. Repeat. We are boring but far too stubborn to understand. What would you do if you were in His shoes? You’d replace and look for something better. Get better with God; the new self improvement plan. Get Fucked. We are not just boring. We are despised. I am the model of God and I have been forgotten, so why are these words even being processed in brains across the land? If I’m a microcosm of God’s kingdom and I fucked up, then perhaps he fucked up an awful long time ago. No control over free will? That’s just the laws changing, and God telling us that we are nothing more than a waste of resources. God and His infinite wisdom, never contemplated the idea we might not care for His plan; so do us a favour and leave us to stew in our mess. We can’t be helped, we can’t be saved.