Page 1 of 1
ACCIDENT query
Posted: January 9th, 2010, 2:57 pm
by Holly
Hello, everybody. I am squeamish about posting this, but you are all giving great feedback on the other queries.
Questions:
(1) The letter fits on one page, but seems too long (about 400 words when I add in the personalized info).
(2) I'm adding a four page prologue about the minor character who hides the Nikon in the woods. If I send an agent five pages, he/she will read about this character first. Should I say more than I've said in the letter?
(3) Some other books have the same or a similar title. This is just a working title.
Dear agent:
When Toby Beckett chases his dog into Washington, D.C.’s Rock Creek Park, he finds more than the dog—he discovers a Nikon with digital photos of a UFO crash and a giant woman. Both skeptical and thrilled, he heads to a Union Station coffee bar to show the photos to Burke Kerrigan, a former AP photographer, who just laughs at them. Toby falls for Burke’s beautiful sister Kate when she joins their table. Suddenly they spot the giant in the subway crowd and trail her across the city until she shocks them speechless by the way she eats a meal. After she disappears inside Buchanan House, a condominium next to Rock Creek Park, Burke insists she’s a carnival freak who faked the photos. They hike into the woods, though, find the UFO behind a damaged camouflage force field, and crawl inside it. Then Burke steps in a trap.
ACCIDENT is a romantic, 87,000 word science fiction/fantasy novel about people as well as aliens. Toby, a regular guy who just wants to drink coffee, read books, and go to college, finds himself with impossible choices. After he witnesses the giant alien kill a mugger, he has to find the words to warn his sister and her husband, who are about to move into Buchanan House. He tries to help Kate rescue her brother, falling more and more in love with her, but she calls him a coward when he doesn’t want to risk their lives. While the shape-shifting giant blends into the city, hunting the homeless and lone, late-night walkers, Toby realizes how to stop her if he can just keep Kate from derailing his plans. Then he discovers who hid the Nikon in the woods and stumbles upon the UFO’s surprising purpose: it’s an animal control vessel, and a second alien is searching for the murderous cargo that escaped in the crash.
As for myself, I was born in Washington, D.C. and lived for years in the area where the novel takes place. My background is in advertising. Although this is a stand alone novel, I am working on a sequel about Monroe, an important minor character who goes off with the aliens.
(Personalized info and enclosures) The completed manuscript is available. Thank you for your consideration.
Re: ACCIDENT query
Posted: January 9th, 2010, 3:28 pm
by KappaP
First of all: woo hoo for DC!!!! Reppin!
Second: do NOT include the prologue as your 5pg submission-- most agents request you start with chapter one and do not include any prologue
Third: it is too long. but we'll get to that.
Dear agent:
When Toby Beckett chases his dog into Washington, D.C.’s Rock Creek Park, he finds more than the dog—he discovers a Nikon with digital photos of a UFO crash and a giant woman def like the opening. Both skeptical and thrilled, he heads to a Union Station coffee bar to show the photos to Burke Kerrigan, a former AP photographer, who just laughs at them. Toby falls for Burke’s beautiful sister Kate when she joins their table. Suddenly they spot the giant in the subway crowd and trail her across the city until she shocks them speechless by the way she eats a meal. After she disappears inside Buchanan House, a condominium next to Rock Creek Park, Burke insists she’s a carnival freak who faked the photos. They hike into the woods, though, find the UFO behind a damaged camouflage force field, and crawl inside it. Then Burke steps in a trap.
ACCIDENT is a romantic, 87,000 word science fiction/fantasy novel about people as well as aliens that is obvious.... just leave it as 87K word science fiction/fantasy novel. Toby, a regular guy who just wants to drink coffee, read books, and go to college, finds himself with impossible choices. After he witnesses the giant alien kill a mugger, he has to find the words to warn his sister and her husband, who are about to move into Buchanan House. He tries to help Kate rescue her brother, falling more and more in love with her, but she calls him a coward when he doesn’t want to risk their lives. While the shape-shifting giant blends into the city, hunting the homeless and lone, late-night walkers, Toby realizes how to stop her if he can just keep Kate from derailing his plans. Then he discovers who hid the Nikon in the woods and stumbles upon the UFO’s surprising purpose: it’s an animal control vessel, and a second alien is searching for the murderous cargo that escaped in the crash. This entire query contains the exact same problem-- see below.
As for myself, I was born in Washington, D.C. and lived for years in the area where the novel takes place. My background is in advertising. Although this is a stand alone novel, I am working on a sequel about Monroe, an important minor character who goes off with the aliens. leave it out-- stand alone novel with series potential. don't care about who, esp since he wasn't mentioned in this query
Okay. Here's the problem: NOT the story. Actually I'm pretty into the story, having seen some weird stuff in RCP and the DC metro. But this is not a query, it's a summary of events. X did this. Then that. Then they did this. Then this happened. And then they did this. So then this happened. Checkaj, chekcaj, wait wait.
Your'e worried about this being too long and that's legit-- I can imagine that summarizing the events and reactions of 87K words is difficult to do in a page which is why you don't do it in a query. Instead, ask yourself the following:
1. Who are the characters critical to the story? Who can I, as a reader, not understand the basic, basic story without? You've got 4 here-- Toby, Burke, Kate and the big lady. There's so much information here that when you mentioned Toby in the second paragraph I didn't even recognize him from the first. Pick out the absolutely crucial characters and focus on them. Leave everyone else out.
2. What pushes the story in motion? You open this query in EXACTLY the right place. Toby finds the camera and you tell us exactly what's on it. Bam. Good. Now, you and I are at a New Years party. I ask you "so what's this book about?" what do you reply to me? And I mean this totally literally-- like right now in your apartment/house pretend like someone just asked you that and reply without mediating on it beforehand. You probably said something like "oh, it's about this guy Toby who finds a camera with a bunch of UFO photos on it and pictures of this weirdly huge woman who turns out to be an alien. After following her one day when he sees her on the metro, Toby figures out these aliens are everywhere-- even killing people in DC! Toby has to figure out a way to stop the alien and win the heart of the woman he's been working with." Those details may very well may be 100% wrong, but anyway the gist is that you probably said something like 3-4 sentences long. Write down whatever you said, and work from there because you just told your (invisible) friend/interviewer the core of what the story is about.
3. What's Toby's main conflict? Is it trying to stop the alien from killing people? Is it trying to unravel the mystery behind the aliens? Is it trying to win over Kate? We're talking MAIN conflict. Make that very clear because, honestly, I could think any one of those things from your query and I need it to be clear exactly what the primary conflict is. I think the love element is good and important-- definitely keep that in there (in my opinion) but try and figure out how to incorporate it into the main arc of the story.
Okay, I'm off ramble mode for now. Good luck and post a revision when you can!!!
Re: ACCIDENT query
Posted: January 9th, 2010, 3:39 pm
by Dankrubis
Hello, everybody. I am squeamish about posting this, Don't be, s'all good! but you are all giving great feedback on the other queries. Thankya.
Questions:
(1) The letter fits on one page, but seems too long (about 400 words when I add in the personalized info). If I remember correctly, the sweet spot is 250-350. But if it's good when you're done revising, I couldn't imagine agents having issue with an extra 50 words.
(2) I'm adding a four page prologue about the minor character who hides the Nikon in the woods. If I send an agent five pages, he/she will read about this character first. Should I say more than I've said in the letter? I vote no? You should stick to the main plot and characters in the query. With the first 5 pages, the agent is probably just looking at how good the writing is.
(3) Some other books have the same or a similar title. This is just a working title. Right on. Accident certainly doesn't fit the type of story you've got here.
Dear agent:
When Toby Beckett chases his dog into Washington, D.C.’s Rock Creek Park, he finds more than the dog—he discovers a Nikon with digital photos of a UFO crash and a giant woman. Both skeptical and thrilled, he heads to a Union Station coffee bar to show the photos to Burke Kerrigan, a former AP photographer, who just laughs at them. Toby falls for Burke’s beautiful sister Kate when she joins their table. Suddenly they spot the giant in the subway crowd and trail her across the city until she shocks them speechless by the way she eats a meal. After she disappears inside Buchanan House, a condominium next to Rock Creek Park, Burke insists she’s a carnival freak who faked the photos. They hike into the woods, though, find the UFO behind a damaged camouflage force field, and crawl inside it. Then Burke steps in a trap. Wow. Lotsa stuff going on in this paragraph. Maybe too much detail. You may benefit from cutting some info that we may not necessarily need to know now. For instance, the "Toby falls for Burke's beautiful sister Kate" sentence is kinda tossed in there and then never mentioned again. I imagine it's a sub-plot?
ACCIDENT is a romantic, 87,000 word science fiction/fantasy novel about people as well as aliens.I've seen a lot of queries putting this line at the end. Placing it here is awkward. It's like, you're telling us the story, why interrupt the flow? Toby, a regular guy who just wants to drink coffee, read books, and go to college, finds himself with impossible choices. After he witnesses the giant alien kill a mugger, he has to find the words to warn his sister and her husband, who are about to move into Buchanan House. He tries to help Kate rescue her brother, falling more and more in love with her, but she calls him a coward when he doesn’t want to risk their lives. While the shape-shifting giant blends into the city, hunting the homeless and lone, late-night walkers, Toby realizes how to stop her if he can just keep Kate from derailing his plans. Then he discovers who hid the Nikon in the woods and stumbles upon the UFO’s surprising purpose: it’s an animal control vessel, and a second alien is searching for the murderous cargo that escaped in the crash.This paragraph seems to be suffering from the same problems as the first. It's very "and then this happens and then this happens and then this happens and then-- ya know? And the things that are happening are really far out there, so I feel like I'm on a bit of an acid trip. Also, it feels as if these two paragraphs are describing two slightly different plots. You introduce the main character twice. I suggest you combine the two. It'd solve your tad-long problem.
As for myself, I was born in Washington, D.C. and lived for years in the area where the novel takes place. My background is in advertising. Although this is a stand alone novel, I am working on a sequel about Monroe, an important minor character who goes off with the aliens. If I remember correctly from reading one of Nathan's posts way back when, sequels or series shouldn't be worried about in a query. That's something that's figured out later on, and suggested by the agent or editor.
(Personalized info and enclosures) The completed manuscript is available.Obvious statement, might wanna axe. Thank you for your consideration.
The story sounds far out and pretty cool, but your description of the plot is coming off chaotic. Again, I suggest you get a little more macro in your description to make it easier to follow. Like, do we need to know that Toby is walking his dog in a park in Washington and the dog gets away and he chases him and then he finds a camera with alien pictures on it? Think less about the specifics and more "Toby Beckett finds alien photos."
Re: ACCIDENT query
Posted: January 9th, 2010, 4:13 pm
by Krista G.
Holly wrote:Hello, everybody. I am squeamish about posting this, but you are all giving great feedback on the other queries.
Questions:
(1) The letter fits on one page, but seems too long (about 400 words when I add in the personalized info). I don't think it's too long based on word count alone. Mine's close to 400 with personalized info; if it fits on a page, it's fine.
(2) I'm adding a four page prologue about the minor character who hides the Nikon in the woods. If I send an agent five pages, he/she will read about this character first. Should I say more than I've said in the letter? I'm going to disagree with KappaP on this one: If you have a prologue at the beginning of your book, then that's the beginning of your book - those are the pages you should send. As for whether the prologue's necessary or not, that's something only you (with the help of beta readers) can decide.
(3) Some other books have the same or a similar title. This is just a working title.
Dear agent:
When Toby Beckett chases his dog into Washington, D.C.’s Rock Creek Park, he finds more than the dog—he discovers a Nikon with digital photos of a UFO crash and a giant woman. Both skeptical and thrilled, he heads to a Union Station coffee bar to show the photos to Burke Kerrigan, a former AP photographer, who just laughs at them. Toby falls for Burke’s beautiful sister Kate when she joins their table. This sentence seems misplaced, and I'm wondering if he can really fall for her in so short a time. Suddenly they spot the giant in the subway crowd and trail her across the city until she shocks them speechless by the way she eats a meal. We probably don't need to know about their shock at how she eats. After she disappears inside Buchanan House, a condominium next to Rock Creek Park, Burke insists she’s a carnival freak who faked the photos. They hike into the woods, though, find the UFO behind a damaged camouflage force field, and crawl inside it. Then Burke steps in a trap. Intriguing...although I'd like to know a little more about what the trap is exactly.
ACCIDENT is a romantic, 87,000 word science fiction/fantasy novel about people as well as aliens. Strike the word romantic from this sentence, as well as the phrase "about people as well as aliens"; the preceding paragraphs communicate, both of these pieces of information, and "romantic science fiction/fantasy" isn't really a genre. Toby, a regular guy who just wants to drink coffee, read books, and go to college, finds himself with impossible choices. After he witnesses the giant alien kill a mugger (Huh?), he has to find the words to warn his sister and her husband, who are about to move into Buchanan House. Why? What's so bad about living next to someone who will defend your life and property? He tries to help Kate rescue her brother (Oh, Burke is a boy? Funny, I assumed he was a woman...), falling more and more in love with her, but she calls him a coward when he doesn’t want to risk their lives. While the shape-shifting giant blends into the city, hunting the homeless and lone, late-night walkers, Toby realizes how to stop her if he can just keep Kate from derailing his plans. Then he discovers who hid the Nikon in the woods and stumbles upon the UFO’s surprising purpose: it’s an animal control vessel, and a second alien is searching for the murderous cargo that escaped in the crash.
As for myself, I was born in Washington, D.C. and lived for years in the area where the novel takes place. My background is in advertising. Although this is a stand alone novel, I am working on a sequel about Monroe, an important minor character who goes off with the aliens. I don't think you need the last sentence in this paragraph; it just distracts from the other interesting tidbits, especially since we haven't heard a word about Monroe in the summary.
(Personalized info and enclosures) The completed manuscript is available. Thank you for your consideration.
On the whole, I like the premise of this quite a bit. The ordering of the query was a little off for me, though - we have what seems like a cliffhanger at the end of the first paragraph, but then the second paragraph gives us the title, genre, and word count and launches right back into more summary that finishes with another cliffhanger. If it were me, I'd group the summary paragraphs together, remove one of the cliffhangers, and place the title, genre, and word count information maybe in that last paragraph ("ACCIDENT, my 87,000-word science fiction/fantasy manuscript, is available upon request.")
Well, hope that helps. Good luck with this! (And is this the Holly I think it is...? :) )
Re: ACCIDENT query
Posted: January 9th, 2010, 6:01 pm
by Holly
Thanks, KappaP, Dankrubis, and Krista G, for all the good-natured, detailed comments. Yes, I need to summarize more, so back to the drawing board. Also, yes, Krista, I'm the same Holly who drops by your website from time to time to see how things are going. Thanks for the great feedback.