Nathan Bransford - The Forums

slavandria wrote:Hi guys:
Dear Agent’s Name:

A rash of murders has plunged the realm of Fallhollow into chaos. Now the fate of its greatest kingdom rests on the shoulders of an unsuspecting fifteen-year old boy residing a rift away in Havendale, Tennessee. - on the whole, "taglines" generally don't add much to the query and only take up words better spent elsewhere.

David Heiland is anything but your average high school student: Sstate track and archery champion, honor roll student, and oh, yeah, an heir to a multi-million dollar fortune.Sounds like he has a perfect life until now? But never did he dream he’d add protecting a parallel world on the brink of annihilation from what? to his list of achievements.I'm not sure on the wording here - it implies that he's already done this task rather than is about to be called upon to try to do it. I'd suggest merging this with the next sentece, something like "Until one morning/night/whatever when a guy calling himself a rift traveler transports David, along with his best friend Charlotte, to Fallhallow, a parallel world needing a hero... However, when a rift traveler arrives and transports David and his best friend, Charlotte, to Fallhollow, David discovers far more unsettling truthsthis has become something of a cliched' phrase - also I think this statement of their being transported needs to be followed up with answers to two important questions: why David? And why would he agree to help instead of just saying "send me home now.": his Their presence has awakened a vengeful dragon,vengeful against David? why? an elusive adversary wants to kill him,why? who? and his deceased parents aren’t dead.it isn't mentioned before that he is an orphan, or supposed orphan? Why are they presumably here? As war looms over the realm,War between? David must do the mages bidding,what mages? even if it means endangering Charlotte’s life, or risk re-opening a rift between Fallhollow and Havendale, allowing the dragon to release his fiery rage upon David’s world . . . and many others.

As his journey unfolds, David learns several valuable life lessons: (i) never involve the girl you love in your screwed up life; (ii) curiosity always leads to trouble; (iii) dragons and sorcerers do exist outside of fairytales, and they don’t play fair; and (iv) when attacked by unearthly creatures, make sure you have a few powerful magical friends fighting on your side.This doesn't add much.

IN THE SHADOW OF THE DRAGON KING is a Word Count?? Young Adult contemporary fantasy of youngunspoken love, rebellion, war, and the human struggle for honesty, faith, courage, and honor.A bit of an adjective overload...I'd stop the sentence at Young Adult contemporary fantasy.

My short story, The Passing of Millie Hudson, was recently published in the anthology, Glimpses. I am currently writing a second novel of David’s adventures in Fallhollow and while they work well together, they are both stand alone works of fiction. In addition, I also manage a local writers group, and I am a high school ‘band mom’ who derives inspiration from my two teenage sons and their array of friends. Most of this is personal information irrelevant to the query. Unless Glimpses is a well sold/well known anthology, it doesn't need to be mentioned. If you want to note series potential, do so at the end of the previous paragraph, but keep it simple: "It has series potential but can stand alone" - but don't mention working on it, as most agents and editors advise not starting book 2 until 1 is sold.

Thank you for your time and consideration taking the time to review my project.they haven't reviewed the project yet :-) An SASE in enclosed for your convenience.

Sincerely,

slavandria wrote:Hi guys:

I would love some feedback on this query for my YA contemporary fantasy. Thank you so much.

Dear Agent’s Name:

A rash of murders has plunged the realm of Fallhollow into chaos. Now the fate of its greatest kingdom rests on the shoulders of an unsuspecting fifteen-year old boy residing a rift away in Havendale, Tennessee. I do agree about cutting this. Start with David.

David Heiland is anything but your average high school student: State track and archery champion, honor roll student, and oh, yeah, anheir to a multi-million dollar fortune. But never did he dream he’d add protecting a parallel world on the brink of annihilation to his list of achievements. However, when a rift traveler arrives and transports David and his best friend, Charlotte, to Fallhollow, David discovers far more unsettling truths: his presence has awakened a vengeful dragon, an elusive adversary wants to kill him, and his deceased parents aren’t dead. As war looms over the realm, David must do the mage's bidding,what does the mage want him to do? even if it means endangering Charlotte’s life, or risk re-opening a rift between Fallhollow and Havendale, Tennessee, allowing the dragon to release his fiery rage upon David’s world . . . and many others.

As his journey unfolds, David learns several valuable life lessons: (i) never involve the girl you love in your screwed-up life; (ii) curiosity always leads to trouble; (iii) dragons and sorcerers do exist outside of fairytales, and they don’t play fair; and (iv) when attacked by unearthly creatures, make sure you have a few powerful magical friends fighting on your side. I was going to say to cut this, as it's not part of the pitch. But on second thoughts it does show off your voice well[./color]

IN THE SHADOW OF THE DRAGON KING is a Young Adult contemporary fantasyof young unspoken love, rebellion, war, and the human struggle for honesty, faith, courage, and honor. The general wisdom is that people buy novels to be entertained, not for honesty, courage, etc.

My short story, The Passing of Millie Hudson, was recently published in the anthology, Glimpses. I am currently writing a second novel of David’s adventures in Fallhollow and while they work well together, they are both stand alone works of fiction. In addition, I also manage a local writers group,and I am a high school ‘band mom’ who derives inspiration from my two teenage sons and their array of friends.This isn't a writing credit, and I'm not sure what a band mom is. I'm not from the States so maybe it's a cultural thing, but I don't think it adds anything to your query. I'm not sure whether to cut the bit about managing the local writers group either, but see what other people say.

Thank you for taking the time to review my project. An SASE in enclosed for your convenience.

Sincerely,

slavandria wrote:Thank you, Allie, for your comments.

Okay, I see what needs to be taken out (that is very consistent) but I feel I need to add something, I just don't know where. Maybe you can help me.

David's dad died in a plane crash 3 months before David was born. His mom died within hours after giving birth to him. His perfect world starts to go haywire when he finds and reads a letter written by his mom to his godmother. In the letter his mom says that she and his father are coming home and David's life is in danger. This is the first pivotal change in the story and it's important, but I don't know where to put it or how to word it. He confronts his godmother demanding to know the truth, but she is very evasive and doesn't answer. This makes David suspicious and leaves him feeling betrayed and angry. somehow, I think I need to work that in. I don't think you do. The part about his parents is all backstory, and while finding the letter sounds like the inciting incident of your story, I think going to the parallel world is a more compelling way to start your query.

David is also secretly in love with Charlotte. I don't know if I need to add that to the query. If so, where and how? I think when you whisk a boy and girl to a parallel world in YA, we can all assume at least one of them is going to have a thing for the other. I assumed that was the case as soon as I read the sentence about his best friend going with him and the best friend turned out to be female. I don't think you need to mention it.

Mages are sears, enchanters. they are higher up than sorcerers and wizards.

You asked why David was taken to Fallhollow if they knew he was going to wreak havoc. No one knew that was going to happen. It's a subplot to the book. The other subplot to the book is the elusive adversary. He HAS been wreaking havoc on the realm for a specific purpose. As these are subplots, I left the details out. However, both the dragon and the adversary want David dead because David has it within him to make sure these two enemies of the realm die. (also not necessary for the query). If he doesn't stop them from destroying the realm, then Fallhollow will fall, thus opening the rift and allowing the dragon through to David's world. So, not only does David have to protect Charlotte, he also has to make sure his world remains safe, while fulfilling the mages' bidding. And he doesn't take on the quest until he receives assurances that after all is said and done, the mages help find his parents and then send everyone home. These are all subplots; that is why they aren't in the query; however, if anyone thinks any of these points are necessary to place in the query, then I would love your advice on the best way to do it as I'm at a complete loss. :-) I'd still like to know more about what the mages want him to do, and why he must do their bidding. I think your first query was pretty solid so don't rip it apart.

Many many thanks to all who have offered your thoughts. You have no idea how much this means to me. :) You guys rock.

slavandria wrote:ok, I think this might be it:

Dear Agent Name:

David Heiland is anything but your average high school student: State track and archery champion, honor roll student, and oh, yeah, heir to a multi-million dollar fortune. He never dreamed he’d soon add protecting a magical, parallel world on the brink of annihilation to his list of achievements.

When a traveler snatches David and his best friend, Charlotte, and ferries them to Fallhollow, David discovers far more unsettling truths: his arrival has awakened a vengeful dragon, a magic man is out to kill him, and his entire fifteen years of life has been nothing but a giant lie.

As Fallhollow sits on the brink of war,

David must unite with an unknown second champion of the realm, and find and return what was stolen from a great kingdom, even if it means sacrificing Charlotte’s life, or risk opening the gate between Fallhollow and Havendale, Tennessee, setting the dragon free to release his fiery rage upon David’s world.

IN THE SHADOW OF THE DRAGON KING is a 99,000 word Young Adult contemporary fantasy

written in a similar flair

as McCaffrey’s Harper Hall Trilogy and Riordan’s Kane Chronicles. While my novel works as a stand-alone work of fiction, it has strong series potential.

My short story, The Passing of Millie Hudson, was recently published in an anthology

and I am currently writing a second novel of David’s adventures in Fallhollow.

I am also a content editor,

member of multiple on-line critique sites, and I manage an expanding local writers group.

Thank you for taking the time to review my submission. An SASE in enclosed.

slavandria wrote:Hi guys:

I would love some feedback on this query for my YA contemporary fantasy. Thank you so much.

Dear Agent’s Name:

A rash of murders has plunged the realm of Fallhollow into chaos. Now the fate of its greatest kingdom rests on the shoulders of an unsuspecting
How is he unsuspecting? Is this a necessary fact? It feels like clutter right here
fifteen-year old boy residing a rift
A time rift? A dimensional rift? What kind of tear?
away in Havendale, Tennessee.

David Heiland is anything but your average high school student:
Colons are frequently used incorrectly and this is an example of that. Restructure your sentence so that it flows and explains his attributes. Do not use colons where you would use "viz., i.e., or a list not preceded by "as follows." And unless you're doing technical writing, it's best just to restructure your sentence so that it reads smoothly.

What I get here is that you are attempting to clarify why he was chosen to have the fate of the kingdom resting on his shoulders, but this reasoning should be included in the previous paragraph. And I'm not sure these attributes explain why HE was chosen as "the one."
State track and archery champion, honor roll student, and oh, yeah, an heir to a multi-million dollar fortune. But never did he dream he’d add protecting a parallel world on the brink of annihilation to his list of achievements. However, when a rift traveler arrives
This again needs the explanation of why the time traveler chose him to transport (along with his gal pal)
and transports David and his best friend, Charlotte, to Fallhollow, David discovers far more unsettling truths:
Again, get rid of the colon and use straight sentence structure
his presence has awakened a vengeful dragon, an elusive adversary wants to kill him, and his deceased parents aren’t dead. As war looms over the realm, David must do the mages bidding, even if it means endangering Charlotte’s life, or risk re-opening a rift between Fallhollow and Havendale, allowing the dragon to release his fiery rage upon David’s world
Get rid of the ellipses. What data are you omitting?
. . . and many others.
This graf introduces too many story elements. Try to get an overview of the story that won't reveal this much detail in your cover letter. It makes your story sound encumbered and overly complex.
As his journey unfolds, David learns several valuable life lessons:
Get rid of colon. Don't use 3rd level enumeration.
(i) never involve the girl you love in your screwed up life; (ii) curiosity always leads to trouble; (iii) dragons and sorcerers do exist outside of fairytales, and they don’t play fair; and (iv) when attacked by unearthly creatures, make sure you have a few powerful magical friends fighting on your side.
I like the humor in the items in this list. Work out the punctuation and this could be a nice paragraph.
IN THE SHADOW OF THE DRAGON KING is a Young Adult contemporary fantasy of young unspoken love, rebellion, war, and the human struggle for honesty, faith, courage, and honor.
Choose the main focus as this sounds like a cast of thousands of heroic attributes.

My short story, The Passing of Millie Hudson, was recently published in the anthology, Glimpses. I am currently writing a second novel of David’s adventures in Fallhollow and while they work well together, they are both stand alone works of fiction. In addition, I also manage a local writers group, and I am a high school ‘band mom’ who derives inspiration from my two teenage sons and their array of friends.
Too much vague detail in your bio glimpse here. A more professional vein would be in order, such as "I am a freelance writer who blah blah. Skip the "band mom" thing.
Thank you for taking the time to review my project. An SASE in enclosed for your convenience.
Okay, now folks can argue with me about this, but when using acronyms, unless there are periods between them, I say to view them as they sound, as a word. A person would say "sase" not "s.a.s.e." and so it should be "a SASE" not "an SASE." And that's just my opinion.

This sounds like an interesting book with a lot of detail and color. I hope this helps to smooth out your query.
Sincerely,