Nathan Bransford - The Forums

Hi everybody,

Appreciate all the help I can get, this is my 11 th try (going mad here people).
Thank you!

Dear agent,

While all other wind riders fly in Pings or play Windolie, thirteen year old Jade Kadeem has to worry about the monstrous hurricanes she creates against her will. And ever since her father was murdered in a hate crime, it has gotten worse.
When she tries to ignore her desire to avenge him, her hurricanes blow out of proportion into monstrous titans. But when she embraces it, they start obeying her like faithful puppies.
Jade must figure out how to overcome her hatred without letting her winds cause more damage. Or maybe, it would be better, for the world, if she just settled for sweet revenge.

While all other wind riders fly in Pings or play Windolie What are these things?, thirteen year old Jade Kadeem has to worry about the monstrous hurricanes she creates against her will. I think adding a line in here about how she creates them against her will, and what the results of the hurricanes are, would give more depth to her problem. And ever since her father was murdered in a hate crime, it has gotten worse. Vague. And you don't give more detail throughout the query. Who did it? What's Jade going to do about it? You say avenge him, but that doesn't tell me much.
When she tries to ignore her desire to avenge him, her hurricanes blow out of proportion. I'd love for you to show me how they blow "out of proportion." But when she embraces it, they start obeying her. Again, I want to see rather than be told.
Now Jade must figure out how to overcome her hatred without letting her winds cause more damage. Or maybe, it would be better, for the world, if she just settled for sweet revenge.

Show me the details! It sounds like a cool world, though. I'd just like to know more about it. Otherwise, I'm not as pulled in as I want to be.