Nathan Bransford - The Forums

95jean1801 wrote:An excerpt from my YA "novel," A Rainbow Divided, Still. Does it hook you/make you want to read further?

A) The Rainbow Nation
B) A Rainbow Divided
C) The Next Zimbabwe
D) In the land of the blind…
An official policy of racial segregation formerly practiced in the Republic of South Africa, involving political, legal and economic discrimination against nonwhites. This was the first thing that popped into 17 year-old Johan Steyn’s head each time he faced another question on his history exam. Whites only: Slegs blankes. This question however was different. It wanted his opinion. What the hell was his opinion on the not so new but apartheid free, democratic and what some considered improved South Africa? -This is a run-on sentence. It could be rephrased.
What’s happening in our country today is nothing more than apartheid against whites. How far had the apple fallen from the tree? Johan had opinions but unlike his father's, <----- Unless his father created the test Johan was taking, this throws everything off balance. [/u] his were on cars and girls, his next-door neighbor and death] <---- This line is ambiguous. maybe you should consider adding a comma after neighbor to clear up the fact that Johan's neighbor isn't the Grim Reaper. Did he have such a thing as an opinion when it came to anything that didn’t affect his life there and then? No, Johan was certain he didn’t unless—
Was his grandmother’s killer black? Poor? Was she murdered because she was white? Wealthy? Maybe his father was right after all. Johan reinvented the choices as follows,<---- Don't tell, show. In this case you're doing both. Perhaps you should simply continue with with the following questions to complement the test questions in the beginning. and imagined the killer’s response if he were questioned and was of each of opinion.
A) Natural Causes
B) White Skin and Wealth
C) Money Talks—
D) Suicide.
It had to be choice B. He did have an opinion and it did affect his life there and then.<--- ?? His grandmother’s death would affect him for weeks to come, but South Africa’s situation would affect him for the rest of his life. The apple hadn’t fallen far from the tree.
A bell rang and Johan knew his time, like his grandmother’s was up. He was free, she too, but she was free, forever.

A house divided against itself cannot stand." I believe this government cannot endure, permanently, half slave and half free. I do not expect the Union to be dissolved — I do not expect the house to fall — but I do expect it will cease to be divided. It will become all one thing or all the other. Either the opponents of slavery will arrest the further spread of it, and place it where the public mind shall rest in the belief that it is in the course of ultimate extinction; or its advocates will push it forward, till it shall become alike lawful in all the States, old as well as new — North as well as South

95jean1801 wrote:
A) The Rainbow Nation
B) A Rainbow Divided
C) The Next Zimbabwe
D) In the land of the blind…
An official policy of racial segregation formerly practiced in the Republic of South Africa, involving political, legal and economic discrimination against nonwhites. This was the first thing that popped into Johan Steyn’s head each time he faced another question on his history exam. He glanced over the choices again. This still confuses me. What pops into his head? The definition of apartheid? Is that part of the test question or something else? These are the answer choices - what is the question? I'm still just kind of confused about what's going on here About as diverse as if he had asked his family’s opinion, he thought to himself.
The Next Zimbabwe. Johan could hear his father already, ranting about how the oppressor is now the oppressed, that South Africa’s current situation is nothing more than apartheid against whites. What was his opinion and how far had the apple fallen from the tree? Johan had opinions but his were on cars and girls, his next-door neighbour, and death. This has so much promise too, but then I get confused again. First I am thinking, oh OK, Johan is a typical teenager whose mind is mostly on cars and girls, but then wait, death?? Where does that come from? Are you telling me that he's a typical teenager removed from the political situation or not?
A Rainbow Divided. It might as well have been a line from one of his grandmother’s poems. For the umpteenth time since her death, Johan thought about the possible circumstances preceding the gunshot. What had been running through his head, for he never ceased thinking about it, was often in line with his father’s opinions. His grandmother was shot because she was wealthy and because the colour of her skin was white. The apple hadn’t fallen far from the tree.
Johan couldn’t help thinking it, but he couldn’t bring himself to circle choice C. What kind of a question was this? He glanced up at the clock; there wasn’t much time left. He scanned he choices again.
A Rainbow Divided. Johan circled this answer several times, and by the time he laid down his pen, he was drained. He was overwhelmed, but more importantly he was free. As Johan let out a breath of relief, he smiled first at the irony of apartheid South Africa’s flag carved into the corner of his desk, quite out of place amongst several hearts, and then quickly stole a glance at her. Micyla. Is Micyla her name? I'm assuming it is, but the way it's set off by itself, I wonder. It would be clearer to me if there was either a comma "stole a glance at her, Micyla" or went on to say something else about her "Micyla. That luminous skin, those mesmerizing eyes" (a mediocre example off the top of my head! but you get the picture, I think).

P.S. I was born in South Africa :-)

95jean1801 wrote: A) The Rainbow Nation
B) A Rainbow Divided
C) The Next Zimbabwe
D) In the land of the blind…
An official policy of racial segregation formerly practiced in the Republic of South Africa, involving political, legal and economic discrimination against nonwhites. This was the first thing that popped into Johan Steyn’s head each time he faced another question on his history exam. <-I know what you were trying to do there, but unfortunately I'm clueless on how to suggest it should be done. All I can say is that you'll need to revise those two sentences so they flow together more naturally. As it is at the moment, the reader gets kind of lost. Maybe starting the paragraph off with the character's thought right after the list of exam choices is the issue? He glanced over the choices again. About as diverse as if he had asked his family’s opinion, he thought to himself.
The Next Zimbabwe. Johan could hear his father already, ranting about how the oppressor is now the oppressed, that South Africa’s current situation is nothing more than apartheid against whites. What was his opinion and how far had the apple fallen from the tree? Johan had opinions but his were on cars and girls, his next-door neighbour, and death.
A Rainbow Divided. It might as well have been a line from one of his grandmother’s poems. For the umpteenth time since her death, Johan thought about the possible circumstances preceding the gunshot. What had been running through his head, for he never ceased thinking about it, was often in line with his father’s opinions. His grandmother was shot because she was wealthy and because the colour of her skin was white. The apple hadn’t fallen far from the tree. Watch out for repetition.
Johan couldn’t help thinking it, but he couldn’t bring himself to circle choice C. What kind of a question was this? He glanced up at the clock; there wasn’t much time left. He scanned the choices again.
A Rainbow Divided. Johan circled this answer several times, and by the time he laid down his pen, he was drained. He was overwhelmed, but more importantly he was free. As Johan <- since you started the paragraph off with his name, and he's the only character in the scene up to this point, using 'he' will smooth the sentence out better let out a breath of relief, he smiled first at the irony of apartheid South Africa’s flag carved into the corner of his desk, quite out of place amongst several hearts, and then quickly stole a glance at her. I'd suggest you revise this sentence since it seems very long. Micyla.

P.S. I was born in South Africa :-)