Paranormal Romance Query

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AContos
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Paranormal Romance Query

Post by AContos » January 7th, 2011, 10:23 pm

Hi All!
I have to admit...I've written so many versions of this thing I can't even tell what makes sense anymore! So....any advice/comments are appreciated!
Thanks!

Alex Baroste's ideal boyfriend would never ask about her nightmares, or say 'I love you'. Not that relationships are a concern, because Alex fears her ability to see people's memories foreshadows commitment of a different kind – like to an institution. When her search for an explanation leads to Luke Hawthorne, his childhood memories reveal her father used them as a mind control experiment. When Alex discovers the experiments haven't stopped, she's crushed beneath the guilt her father can't seem to feel. Then she vows to exact revenge.

With Luke's help, Alex hunts for the evidence to destroy her father. Infiltrating his colleague's home, armed with nothing but valium and a pair of stilettos, is just part of the plan. Her growing feelings for Luke aren't. And time has only strengthened their bond: he's still her best friend, the only one she'll allow to see her cry, and when she's with him, the nightmares stop. Luke's blatant disregard for every one of her ideal boyfriend traits leads Alex to suspect he's the only person she's capable of loving. And the final confirmation? She's actually willing to admit it.

But Alex is still determined to seek vengeance, and she proves it with a little breaking and entering so she can search her father's files. When he reacts by forcing a confrontation, it leads to Alex leveling a gun at his head. Serving as her father's executioner may kill her hopes for love and a future, but someone has to stop him. And Alex has a gun in her hand.

Blah, blah, blah word count/genre etc. :)

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Holly
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Re: Paranormal Romance Query

Post by Holly » January 7th, 2011, 10:36 pm

AContos wrote:Hi All!
I have to admit...I've written so many versions of this thing I can't even tell what makes sense anymore! So....any advice/comments are appreciated!
Thanks!

Alex Baroste's ideal boyfriend would never ask about her nightmares, or say 'I love you'. put the period inside the apostrophe and use regular quotation marks: "I love you." Not that relationships are a concern, because Alex fears her ability to see people's memories foreshadows commitment of a different kind – like to an institution. good line When her search for an explanation leads to Luke Hawthorne, his childhood memories reveal her father used them confused here -- them means the memories? as a mind control experiment. You start two sentences in a row with When When Alex discovers the experiments haven't stopped, she's crushed beneath the guilt her father can't seem to feel. Then she vows to exact revenge.

With Luke's help, Alex hunts for the evidence to destroy her father. Infiltrating his colleague's home, armed with nothing but valium and a pair of stilettos, is just part of the plan. like the stilettos -- Valium is probably capitalized -- Google it to be sure Her growing feelings for Luke aren't. And time has only strengthened their bond: he's still her best friend, the only one she'll allow to see her cry, and when she's with him, the nightmares stop. Luke's blatant disregard for every one of her ideal boyfriend traits sentence construction reads as if she is the boyfriend leads Alex to suspect he's the only person she's capable of loving. And the final confirmation? She's actually willing to admit it. this gets too complicated for me -- I couldn't follow it. I would boil down to one sentence.

But Alex is still determined to seek vengeance, and she proves it with a little breaking and entering so she can search her father's files. When he reacts by forcing a confrontation, it leads to Alex leveling a gun at his head. Serving as her father's executioner may kill her hopes for love and a future, but someone has to stop him. And Alex has a gun in her hand.

Blah, blah, blah word count/genre etc. :)

This looks promising, but I would keep working at it. The advice I've read says to try to use six sentences or less, plus 175 words or less for the plot paragraph. What you have here seems to wander. Look under the search feature for Nathan Bransford's one sentence, one paragraph and two paragraph pitch. Hope some of this is useful.

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Holly
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Re: Paranormal Romance Query

Post by Holly » January 7th, 2011, 10:54 pm

http://blog.nathanbransford.com/2010/05 ... d-two.html

Here is Nathan's well-written explanation of the one and two paragraph pitch. I found it really helpful.

AContos
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Re: Paranormal Romance Query

Post by AContos » January 8th, 2011, 8:18 am

Thanks so much, Holly!
I would definitely like to trim it down...I just can't figure out where to do it! :) Thanks for the link too!

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Re: Paranormal Romance Query

Post by Holly » January 8th, 2011, 9:10 am

I would cut the explanations. You don't need them or much backstory at all -- you can put all of that stuff in the synopsis. I would work on a couple of zinger sentences, nothing more than that about the relationships.

This needs more work, but I cut your story down to about 150 words:


Alex Baroste's ideal boyfriend would never ask about her nightmares, or say “I love you.” Not that relationships concern Alex, because she fears that her ability to see other people's memories foreshadows a different kind of commitment – like to an institution. When her search for an explanation leads to Luke Hawthorne, he reveals that her father used memories as a mind control experiment. And the experiments haven’t stopped.

With Luke's help, Alex hunts for the evidence to destroy her father, armed with nothing but Valium and a pair of stilettos. Luke is her best friend, the only one she'll allow to see her cry, and when she's with him, the nightmares stop. Alex suspects he's the only person she's capable of loving.

But she's determined to seek vengeance. Serving as her father's executioner may kill her hopes for love and a future, but someone has to stop him.

AContos
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Re: Paranormal Romance Query

Post by AContos » January 8th, 2011, 10:01 am

Ooooh....you are awesome!
It always amazes me how much an outside person can see that I can't when it comes to my own work. Thanks so much for doing this!

glj
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Re: Paranormal Romance Query

Post by glj » January 8th, 2011, 12:34 pm

Holly has done an excellent job of re-shaping your query, so I will comment on her version.


Alex Baroste's ideal boyfriend would never ask about her nightmares. Or say “I love you.” Not that relationships concern Alex, because she fears that her ability to see other people's memories foreshadows a different kind of commitment – like to an institution. Great twist! When her search for an explanation leads to Luke Hawthorne, he reveals that her father used memories as a mind control experiment. I want some hint of who Alex' father is, and how he could be conducting mind-control experiments on people. The average father does not do such a thing, and the query gives no indication that he is not an average father. And the experiments haven’t stopped.

With Luke's help, Alex hunts for the evidence to destroy her father, armed with nothing but Valium I don't understand where the Valium comes in? and a pair of stilettos. Luke is her best friend, the only one she'll allow to see her cry, and when she's with him, the nightmares stop. Alex suspects he'sHe might be the only person she's capable of loving.

But she's determined to seek vengeance. Serving as her father's executioner may kill her hopes for love and a future, but someone has to stop him. Hmm, seems like killing her own father is a bit strong if all he's done is tamper with her mind. Is there more of a reason to kill him? I don't think she has enough motivation here to do such a thing.

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Holly
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Re: Paranormal Romance Query

Post by Holly » January 8th, 2011, 1:13 pm

Holly wrote:I would cut the explanations. You don't need them or much backstory at all -- you can put all of that stuff in the synopsis. I would work on a couple of zinger sentences, nothing more than that about the relationships.

This needs more work, but I cut your story down to about 150 words:


Alex Baroste's ideal boyfriend would never ask about her nightmares, or say “I love you.” Not that relationships concern Alex, because she fears that her ability to see other people's memories foreshadows a different kind of commitment – like to an institution. When her search for an explanation leads to Luke Hawthorne, he reveals that her father used memories as a mind control experiment. And the experiments haven’t stopped.

With Luke's help, Alex hunts for the evidence to destroy her father, armed with nothing but Valium and a pair of stilettos. Luke is her best friend, the only one she'll allow to see her cry, and when she's with him, the nightmares stop. Alex suspects he's the only person she's capable of loving.

Glad I could help you a little. I agree that glj that the last line about executioner might seem too strong without details -- but then you are adding to the word count, which you want to avoid. I suggest taking out info instead of adding it. But she's determined to seek vengeance. The Big V might kill her hopes for love and a future, but someone has to stop him.
The Big V is probably corny -- you can come up with something better that doesn't come out and say executioner.

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Re: Paranormal Romance Query

Post by AContos » January 10th, 2011, 12:18 pm

First and foremost - thanks again to Holly and dlj for all their help!

Ok, I tried to answer some of the questions that came up, without adding too much to the word count. I have two different potential last paragraphs, and even with the longer one, the count is about 230. I'm fine with that, as long as it's compelling and answers all the necessary questions (because that's so easy to do, right?).

To answer the question about how the Valium fits in - Alex drugs the guy so she can knock him out and get to his computer. I think I'd like to leave it in, but not if it's too confusing. I suppose I could change it to GHB or something. It would be an easy change in the manuscript, but I'm afraid it would leave a reeeaallly wrong impression in the query. :)

With regard to the last graph, I'm hesitant to leave it with something like: But she's determined to seek vengeance. The Big V might kill her hopes for love and a future, but someone has to stop him. I think it might be too vague. Like, why does her determination for vengeance influence her hopes for love/the future? Without explanation, it charters into the perception of the conflict being all internal: i.e. she needs to let go of the hatred of her father to move on, and while that's true, it doesn't necessarily capture the gravity of the situation. Maybe I'm over-thinking this........

All right, enough rambling....here's the updated version. Thanks!!!
Alex Baroste's ideal boyfriend would never ask about her nightmares. Or say “I love you.” Not that relationships concern Alex, because she fears her ability to see other people's memories foreshadows a different kind of commitment – like to an institution. When her search for an explanation leads to Luke Hawthorne, he reveals her father headed an organization that subjected them to mind control experimentation as children. And the experiments haven’t stopped. Her father expects gratitude for the resulting elevation in IQ and physical and extra-sensory abilities. But the methods sure as hell don't inspire gratitude. For Alex, they inspire a vow for vengeance.

Armed with nothing but Valium and a pair of stilettos, Alex hunts for the evidence to destroy her father. And just like when they were kids, Luke is there to protect her. Despite her father's betrayal, Alex dares to believe in love without pain. Because Luke is her best friend, the only one she'll allow to see her cry, and when she's with him, the nightmares stop.

But Alex's need for revenge hasn't wavered. Neither has her father's determination to stop her. When he forces a confrontation, it leads to Alex levelling a gun to his head. It may kill her hopes for love and a future, but someone has to stop him.

OR

But Alex's need for revenge hasn't wavered. Neither has her father's determination to stop her, even if it means having Alex kidnapped and reprogrammed. When his plan fails, he forces a confrontation that leads to Alex levelling a gun to his head. It may kill her hopes for love and a future, but someone has to stop him.

Thanks again everyone!

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Re: Paranormal Romance Query

Post by glj » January 10th, 2011, 3:31 pm

I understood the implications of the Valium, but the Valium and stilettos together left me wondering what she was going to do (I assume the stilettos are a pair of shoes, and not the thin knife commonly used for assassinations?). Does she just like to wear stilettos? It gives the character added depth, but seems a bit unnecessary. It is up to you to keep or drop (or tie in some other way), but leaves me wondering if I'm missing something that I should be getting, if that makes sense. Is she going to use the shoes if the Valium fails, driving a spiked heel into someone's eye?

Alex Baroste's ideal boyfriend would never ask about her nightmares. Or say “I love you.” Not that relationships concern Alex, because she fears could trim 2 words here her ability to see other people's memories foreshadows a different kind of commitment – like to an institution. When her search for an explanation leads to Luke Hawthorne, he reveals her father headed an organization that subjected them to mind control experimentation as children. And the experiments haven’t stopped. Her father expects gratitude for the resulting elevation in IQ and physical and extra-sensory abilities. But the methods sure as hell don't inspire gratitude. For Alex, they inspire a vow for vengeance. Suggestion: This last sentence seems, well, implied, so not sure it is needed. How about "And the experiments gave her a heightened sense of justice." For me, the thought of her pursuing her father to save others from being experimented on seems like a better motivator, plus makes her more sympathetic as a character. Seeking vengeance is, for me, too much of a TV movie variety of motivation. Part of me wants to like her more than just a character who might kill her father for revenge.

Armed with nothing but Valium and a pair of stilettos, Alex hunts for the evidence to destroy her father. And just like when they were kids, Luke is there to protect her. Despite her father's betrayal, Alex dares to believe in love without pain. Because Luke is her best friend, the only one she'll allow to see her cry, and when she's with him, the nightmares stop. You lost me a little here. I didn't follow the "love without pain" part. And the "Because ..." is not followed with an action. It needs to be completed, as in "Because Luke is ..., she feels that she could fall in love with him."

But Alex's need for revenge hasn't wavered. Neither has her father's determination to stop her. When he forces a confrontation, it leads to Alex levelling a gun to his head. It may kill her hopes for love and a future, but someone has to stop him. I didn't like this version.

OR

But Alex's need for revenge hasn't wavered. Neither has her father's determination to stop her, even if it means having Alex kidnapped and reprogrammed. I liked this paragraph up to here. When his plan fails, he forces a confrontation that leads to Alex levelling a gun to his head. It may kill her hopes for love and a future, but someone has to stop him. I didn't like the "leveling a gun to his head" part. Maybe because I want to like her, as noted above, and don't want her to be as amoral as dear old dad. Actually, I think you could leave off the last two sentences and the paragraph would be better. Just my opinion. We can see that someone needs to stop him, it really doesn't need to be said.

AContos
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Re: Paranormal Romance Query

Post by AContos » January 10th, 2011, 4:51 pm

Thanks so much for taking another look at this. My responses are below. I can definitely make some changes based on your feedback.
glj wrote:I understood the implications of the Valium, but the Valium and stilettos together left me wondering what she was going to do (I assume the stilettos are a pair of shoes, and not the thin knife commonly used for assassinations?). Does she just like to wear stilettos? It gives the character added depth, but seems a bit unnecessary. It is up to you to keep or drop (or tie in some other way), but leaves me wondering if I'm missing something that I should be getting, if that makes sense. Is she going to use the shoes if the Valium fails, driving a spiked heel into someone's eye?

Alex Baroste's ideal boyfriend would never ask about her nightmares. Or say “I love you.” Not that relationships concern Alex, because she fears could trim 2 words here her ability to see other people's memories foreshadows a different kind of commitment – like to an institution. When her search for an explanation leads to Luke Hawthorne, he reveals her father headed an organization that subjected them to mind control experimentation as children. And the experiments haven’t stopped. Her father expects gratitude for the resulting elevation in IQ and physical and extra-sensory abilities. But the methods sure as hell don't inspire gratitude. For Alex, they inspire a vow for vengeance. Suggestion: This last sentence seems, well, implied, so not sure it is needed. How about "And the experiments gave her a heightened sense of justice." For me, the thought of her pursuing her father to save others from being experimented on seems like a better motivator, plus makes her more sympathetic as a character. Seeking vengeance is, for me, too much of a TV movie variety of motivation. Part of me wants to like her more than just a character who might kill her father for revenge. It's definitely not a need for revenge that drives her - she wants to save others, and her sister (but that's a whole other story which is impossible to work into the query...believe me, I've tried. It's just too many people.) I'll work on re-wording this so it reflects her true motives better.

Armed with nothing but Valium and a pair of stilettos, Alex hunts for the evidence to destroy her father. And just like when they were kids, Luke is there to protect her. Despite her father's betrayal, Alex dares to believe in love without pain. Because Luke is her best friend, the only one she'll allow to see her cry, and when she's with him, the nightmares stop. You lost me a little here. I didn't follow the "love without pain" part. And the "Because ..." is not followed with an action. It needs to be completed, as in "Because Luke is ..., she feels that she could fall in love with him." yeah, I really need to connect the two sentences, it should be 'pain, because.....' And make it clearer that she's got issues because of what her father did to her.

But Alex's need for revenge hasn't wavered. Neither has her father's determination to stop her. When he forces a confrontation, it leads to Alex levelling a gun to his head. It may kill her hopes for love and a future, but someone has to stop him. I didn't like this version.

OR

But Alex's need for revenge hasn't wavered. Neither has her father's determination to stop her, even if it means having Alex kidnapped and reprogrammed. I liked this paragraph up to here. When his plan fails, he forces a confrontation that leads to Alex levelling a gun to his head. It may kill her hopes for love and a future, but someone has to stop him. I didn't like the "leveling a gun to his head" part. Maybe because I want to like her, as noted above, and don't want her to be as amoral as dear old dad. Actually, I think you could leave off the last two sentences and the paragraph would be better. Just my opinion. We can see that someone needs to stop him, it really doesn't need to be said.
There's a lot that goes into her confrontation with her dad (including stuff with her sister), but if it makes her unlikable in the query without that info, I'll have to figure out how to change things up.

Thanks again for your suggestions - they're very helpful!!!

glj
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Re: Paranormal Romance Query

Post by glj » January 11th, 2011, 10:07 am

There's a lot that goes into her confrontation with her dad (including stuff with her sister), but if it makes her unlikable in the query without that info, I'll have to figure out how to change things up.

Thanks again for your suggestions - they're very helpful!!!

You are welcome.

This may be the main problem I had with your query. You spell out what is at stake, but I really wanted you to make me root for Alex. What you have connects with me logically, but not so much emotionally. Show us that she is a great person and that her slimy father has done horrible things. And show us in only a few more words. Ha!

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