Nathan Bransford - The Forums

***note - the first three paragraphs are supposed to be indented as they are a direct quote from my novel.

Dear [fill in the blank]

“Lola, get your suit on and help supervise the pool. The more eyes the better,” Justine the pretty blonde, twenty-one-year-old camp director ordered once we were off the bus.

For a long, awkward moment, I stood frozen in place wondering how to get out of it. A sudden migraine? My period? I opened my mouth to speak, but Justine was gone. I’d missed my chance. I was left teary eyed, searching through my bag for my black one piece. I forced away the panic and marched past the on-lookers, who weren’t my friends despite working with them the entire summer. I made my way to the change rooms, found an empty stall and pulled on my suit.

That’s when I realized I hadn’t shaved my legs! Even in the blazing August sun I wore baggy cotton Capri pants, never exposing more than an ankle. There had never been a reason to shave. I peered down at the black hair creeping from my calves to just past my knees where it gradually petered out. My insides dropped as if I’d placed a foot on a step that wasn’t there.

Seventeen-year-old Lola Savullo doesn’t fit in. Not only is she freakishly tall, she’s fat. Her only friend, Charlie, is an emo lesbian and social outcast.

Lola is frequently bullied and wishes to be invisible to escape her torment. Even in her own family, she’s on the outside looking in. Her funky, tattoo-covered parents don’t understand why she’s not like them. They can’t fathom why Lola spends her time reading and writing and dreams of becoming an author. During a humiliating moment at her summer job, her wish to disappear comes true. She vanishes. Lola discovers the ability to disappear is one she shares with her spunky 80-year-old grandmother Rose, who she goes to for advice. But when her beloved grandmother dies suddenly, Lola is left alone to learn the lesson of self worth; the only way to keep from vanishing.

She makes strides and begins to blossom when she finds love with Jon Kingsbury, a boy she’s adored from afar for years. When Lola discovers the school bully’s plans to beat her and sexually assault Charlie after the graduation dance, she struggles with maintaining her newfound sense of self respect. Is Lola destined to a life in the shadows; never being seen for the beautiful and talented girl she is, or will she stand up and finally allow herself to be seen?

Invisible is a 50,000-word young adult novel aimed at 16 to 21 year old girls. It’s edgy and timely, tackling issues relevant to young people today including bullying and gay issues.

I've worked in the publishing industry for over twenty years. I began my career as a freelance writer, then worked as an in-house editor for Butterworths Canada. I've had several short stories published and recently won first place in the Writes of Caledon Short Story Contest. One of my flash fiction pieces was voted ‘Best in Issue’ by Moon Drenched Fables. Another of my works in progress, Dark Angel, was a finalist in the 2010 Strongest Start Contest. My most recent short story is published in an anthology titled Visitor to Sandahl which is available on Amazon.com.

May I send you my manuscript?

Sincerely,


Jeanne Bannon

Jeanne Bannon wrote:***note - the first three paragraphs are supposed to be indented as they are a direct quote from my novel.

Dear [fill in the blank]

“Lola, get your suit on and help supervise the pool. The more eyes the better,” Justine the pretty blonde, twenty-one-year-old camp director ordered once we were off the bus.

For a long, awkward moment, I stood frozen in place wondering how to get out of it. A sudden migraine? My period? I opened my mouth to speak, but Justine was gone. I’d missed my chance. I was left teary eyed, searching through my bag for my black one piece. I forced away the panic and marched past the on-lookers, who weren’t my friends despite working with them the entire summer. I made my way to the change rooms, found an empty stall and pulled on my suit.

That’s when I realized I hadn’t shaved my legs! Even in the blazing August sun I wore baggy cotton Capri pants, never exposing more than an ankle. There had never been a reason to shave. I peered down at the black hair creeping from my calves to just past my knees where it gradually petered out. My insides dropped as if I’d placed a foot on a step that wasn’t there.

No novel excerpts unless your including pages after the query (in the body of the email, not as an attachment).

Seventeen-year-old Lola Savullo doesn’t fit in. Not only is she freakishly tall, she’s fat. Her only friend, Charlie, is an emo lesbian and social outcast. Start with the plot action, not character description.

Lola is frequently bullied and wishes wants to be invisible to escape her torment. Even in her own family, she’s on the outside looking in. Her funky, tattoo-covered parents don’t understand why she’s not like them. They can’t fathom why Lola spends her time reading and writing and with dreams of becoming an author. During a humiliating moment at her summer job <--more specifically?, her wish to disappear comes true. She vanishes. Lola discovers the ability to disappear is one she shares with her spunky 80-year-old grandmother Rose, who she goes to for advice. But when her beloved grandmother dies suddenly, Lola is left alone to learn the lesson of self worth; the only way to keep from vanishing. <--- Confusing part of the plot starts here and continues until the end.

She makes strides and begins to blossom when she finds love with Jon Kingsbury, a boy she’s adored from afar for years. When Lola discovers the school bully’s plans to beat her and sexually assault Charlie after the graduation dance, she struggles with maintaining her newfound sense of self respect. Is Lola destined to a life in the shadows; never being seen for the beautiful and talented girl she is, or will she stand up and finally allow herself to be seen?

INVISIBLE is a 50,000-word young adult novel aimed at 16 to 21 year old girls. It’s edgy and timely, tackling issues relevant to young people today including bullying and gay issues.

I've worked in the publishing industry for over twenty years. I began my career as a freelance writer, then worked as an in-house editor for Butterworths Canada. I've had several short stories published and recently won first place in the Writes of Caledon Short Story Contest. One of my flash fiction pieces was voted ‘Best in Issue’ by Moon Drenched Fables. Another of my works in progress, Dark Angel, was a finalist in the 2010 Strongest Start Contest. My most recent short story is published in an anthology titled Visitor to Sandahl which is available on Amazon.com.

May I send you my manuscript? If the agent wants a full manuscript they'll ask for it.

Sincerely,


Jeanne Bannon

I'm still pretty confused on the plot once Lola becomes invisible. The query becomes pretty vague after that. Why do both her grandmother and her share this ability? Where does it derive from? Can [Lola] control it? Lola seems like a pretty insecure person, why and how does she suddenly find love so fast? Who's Charlie?

I would focus less on character description and back story (basically takes up the first half of the main paragraph), and really describe the plot.

Invisible is a 50,000-word young adult novel aimed at 16 to 21 year old girls. It’s edgy and timely, tackling issues relevant to young people today including bullying and gay issues.

Work on getting this ^ to come across in the query.

Good luck!

lmjackson already gave you a lot of great tips, so I'll just add a few more suggestions.

Jeanne Bannon wrote:
Lola is frequently bullied and wishes to be invisible to escape her torment. Even in her own family, she’s on the outside looking in. Her funky, tattoo-covered parents don’t understand why she’s not like them. They can’t fathom why Lola spends her time reading and writing and dreams of becoming an author. During a humiliating moment at her summer job, her wish to disappear comes true. She vanishes. Lola discovers the ability to disappear is one she shares with her spunky 80-year-old grandmother Rose, who she goes to for advice. But when her beloved grandmother dies suddenly, Lola is left alone to learn the lesson of self worth; the only way to keep from vanishing. (The last sentence here is rather vague. What does "learn the lesson of self worth" really mean? Give us something tangible that Lola needs to do.)

She makes strides and begins to blossom when she finds love with Jon Kingsbury, a boy she’s adored from afar for years. When Lola discovers the school bully’s plans to beat her and sexually assault her best friend, an emo lesbian named Charlie, after the graduation dance, she struggles with maintaining her newfound sense of self respect. Is Lola destined to a life in the shadows; never being seen for the beautiful and talented girl she is, or will she stand up and finally allow herself to be seen? (This last part is vague again. What exactly is the choice Lola needs to make? Whether or not to warn her best friend that she's going to be raped?)

Invisible INVISIBLE is a 50,000-word young adult novel aimed at 16 to 21 year old girls. It’s edgy and timely, tackling that tackles issues relevant to young people today including bullying and gay issues. (Yes, these are relevant issues to kids today. However, I think you might want to leave out the 16 to 21 year old part. I teach middle school, and I could see some of my students wanting to read something like this.)

I've worked in the publishing industry for over twenty years. I began my career as a freelance writer, then worked as an in-house editor for Butterworths Canada. I've had several short stories published and recently won first place in the Writes of Caledon Short Story Contest. One of my flash fiction pieces was voted ‘Best in Issue’ by Moon Drenched Fables. Another of my works in progress, Dark Angel, was a finalist in the 2010 Strongest Start Contest. My most recent short story is published in an anthology titled Visitor to Sandahl which is available on Amazon.com.

May I send you my manuscript? Thank you for your time and consideration.

Sincerely,


Jeanne Bannon

I hope you find these suggestions helpful. You're tackling important issues, and I wish you the best of luck with your manuscript!

Thank you to both of you for the invaluable advice and suggestions. I find queries the hardest thing in the world to write and it helps so much to have an objective opinion. I agree with all the suggestions.

The funny thing is I took the Writer's Digest course on query writing and that's where I was told to start with a quote from the book. Personally, I didn't like the idea, but I figured it must be the right thing to do. Thanks for verifying what I thought in the first place.

Once again, I truly appreciate the wonderful advice I received. A great big thank you!!

Jeanne

You're welcome, Jeanne!

Best of luck to you!

I would add to what aj said--no need to tell the agent that the novel touches on relevant issues like bullying and the like. Let the query speak for itself by SHOWING the agent how your novel addresses this. I really like the idea of invisibility though! Queries are tough and I am by no means an authority. Good luck!