Nathan Bransford - The Forums

SSB wrote:For any of you who saw my earlier version, I would like to know if you think this is better or worse.


I am seeking representation for CROSSING THRESHOLDS, and 82,000 word mainstream novel, taking readers back thirty-five years. Whether this part goes at the beginning or the end of the query often depends on the agent (research preference and it's probably a good idea to include a small detail that indicates you know something about the agent in the first sentence.

Everyone looks old to 16-year-old Mary, even the young people. Maybe it's the long hair and scraggly beards of the dirty, bare-foot, shirtless dudes in 1976. Or maybe it's the sagging, braless breasts flagrantly flopping like freak flags below the rock star T-shirts of the ironed hair, glassy-eyed 1970s chicks, but Mary feels like a misfit. Lots of alliteration here. It might be fine as long as you're aware of it. I don't remember using "freak flag" in the seventies?

Her inner struggle pulls her between being the good girl her old-fashioned, conservative parents expect her to be, and the free spirit she wants to be.

The decision is made for her when she meets and falls madly in love with Robert Marchioni, a handsome 19-year-old with long hair, and a wild reputation. The elements that each contribute to the relationship create a toxic cocktail laced with rebellion and drug use.

Not long after, Mary finds out she is pregnant and seeks the advise of a friend who in turn betrays her. Fearing their families will tear them apart; Mary and Robert concoct a desperate plan to and run away. little thing but every step up is still up.

Together they go on a cross-country odyssey to California and a life of friendships, drugs, and survival she could never have imagined. Are you sure this sentence isn't a little off balance?

In accordance with your guidelines, enclosed are a synopsis and the first five pages of my novel.Snail mail - keep it Email - lose it

SSB wrote:Sure is. Only it is orange. I am also a collector of Mid Century Modern furniture and accessories. Thanks for the input.

SSB wrote:
I am seeking representation for CROSSING THRESHOLDS, and 82,000 word mainstream novel, taking readers back thirty-five years. In your earlier thread, someone questioned the term mainstream. I have to agree. I don't think it's a genre term agents use. I think the term you're looking for is women's fiction, but I could be wrong.

Everyone looks old to 16-year-old Mary, even the young people. Maybe it's the long hair and scraggly beards of the dirty, bare-foot, shirtless dudes in 1976. Or maybe it's the sagging, braless breasts flagrantly floppinglike freak flagsbelow the rock star T-shirts of the ironed hair, glassy-eyed 1970s chicks, but Mary feels like a misfit. You have some great descriptions here, but it may be a few too many images crammed into one sentence. My strike-through's are merely suggestions for images that could perhaps be deleted without losing the feel of the sentence.

Her inner struggle pulls her between being the good girl her old-fashioned, conservative parents expect her to be, and the free spirit she wants to be.

The decision is made for her (It's made for her, or she makes the decision?) when she meets and falls madly in love with Robert Marchioni, a handsome 19-year-old with long hair, and a wild reputation. The elements that each contribute to the relationship create a toxic cocktail laced with rebellion and drug use.

Not long after, Mary finds out she is pregnant and seeks the advise of a friend who in turn betrays her. Fearing their families will tear them apart; Mary and Robert concoct a desperate plan to run away.

Together they go on a cross-country odyssey to California and a life of friendships, drugs, and survival she could never have imagined. I have to agree with some of your previous posters. What's the conflict here? Tell us exactly what Mary and Robert need to accomplish and what bad thing will happen if they don't succeed.

In accordance with your guidelines, enclosed are a synopsis and the first five pages of my novel.