Nathan Bransford - The Forums

SSB wrote:It’s the year 1976, and 16-year-old Mary O’Connor can’t wait to grow up and be on her own. Mary views her parents as conservative, overprotective, 1950’s minded people whom she must carefully keep on a need-to-know basis. Her parents don’t get her, or her generation. This paragraph is pretty cliche. I would suggest different phrasing.

Feeling stifled and on the verge of delinquency, she meets Robert Marchioni, a handsome twenty-year-old long-hair with a reputation for being a “bad boy.” The two are attracted to each other like magnets with opposite polarity. And the elements that each contribute to the relationship create a toxic cocktail laced with rebellion and drug use. Mary soon finds it harder to keep her partying lifestyle under raps.

Late one night, while high on opium-laced Thai Stick, the two sneak into the cellar of Robert’s family home and make-it on the floor (I know what you're talking about here but where did you get "make-it"? I think a better word would be more useful.). Not only does Robert’s father catch them in the act, which outs the seriousness of their relationship, but also a little over a month later, Mary realizes she’s pregnant. Mary also becomes pregnant.

When Mary’s confidant (This is the first we hear of a confidant. Just saying "When their families find out" or something like that.) betrays her, all hell breaks loose. Fearing their families will force them apart and force Mary to give up the baby, they make a plan to run away.
A day later, Mary flees school just before classed start, and joins Robert They go on a wild cross-country journey in a 1967 Triumph Spitfire with no heat. In the throws of homelessness, Mary and Robert hunt for a way to survive for the sake of their relationship, and their unborn child.

CROSSING THRESHOLDS is a mainstream novel just over 80000 words. I think it will appeal to YA readers and older readers interested in taking a journey back in time.

Thank you for your consideration.

Sincerely,

SSB wrote:It’s the year 1976, and 16-year-old Mary O’Connor can’t wait to grow up and be on her own. Mary I feel this might be better at Mary's parents are conservative... views herparents as conservative, overprotective, 1950’s minded people whom she must carefully keep on a need-to-know basis. Her parents don’t get her, or her generation.

Feelingstifled and on the verge of delinquency, she meets Robert Marchioni, a handsome twenty-year-old long-hair with a reputation for being a “bad boy.” The two are attracted to each other like magnets with opposite polarity. I like this sentanceAnd the elements that each contribute to the relationship create a toxic cocktail laced with rebellion and drug use. Mary soon finds it harder consider another word like difficultto keep her partying lifestyle under raps.

Late one night, while high on opium-laced Thai Stick, the two sneak into the cellar of Robert’s family home and make-it on the floor. Not only does Robert’s father catch them in the act, which outs the seriousness of their relationship, but also a little over a month later, Mary realizes she’s pregnant. this is going to sound dumb, but does them "making-it" relate to the pregnancy? Is this the first time or something?

When Mary’s confidant betrays her, all hell breaks loose. Fearing their families will force them apart and you use force twice in a section of five wordsforce Mary to give up the baby, they make a plan to run away.

A day later, Mary flees school just before classed start, and joins Robert on a wild cross-country journey in a 1967 Triumph Spitfire with no heat. In the throws of homelessness, Mary and Robert hunt for a way to survive for the sake of their relationship, and their unborn child.

CROSSING THRESHOLDS is a mainstream novel just over 80000 words. I think it will appeal to YA readers and older readers interested in taking a journey back in time.

Thank you for your consideration.

Sincerely,

SSB wrote:2nd attempt, hope I am moving in the right direction.


In the year 1976, everyone looks old to Mary, even the young people. Maybe it's the long hair and scraggly beards of the dirty, bare footed, shirtless dudes. Maybe it's the sagging, braless breasts flagrantly flopping like freak flags below the rock star T-shirts of the ironed hair, glassy eyed 1970s chicks, but Mary feels like a misfit.

She struggles with being the good girl of her parents expect her to be, and the desire to be a free spirited hippie. Over the years, she’s let the 1950s values that her parents fervently preach, die a slow death.

Caught between the generation of love and the generation of self-indulgence, something in her soul will not allow her to conform to the times, even when she wants to. She really hates disco. I would recommend condensing these first three paragraphs. It's all back story and how Mary doesn't feel like she fits in. It's unnecessary. It's better to get straight to the point.

Stifled and on the verge of delinquency, she meets Robert Marchioni, a handsome twenty-year-old with long hair and a reputation for being a wild. Both anarchic spirits by nature, they are attracted to each other like magnets. And, the elements that each contribute to the relationship create a toxic cocktail laced with rebellion and drug use. Mary soon finds it hard to keep her partying lifestyle under wraps.

Late one night, while hopped-up on opium-laced Thai Stick, the two stumble to the cellar of Robert’s family home and make it on the floor. Not only does Robert’s father catch them in the act, outing the seriousness of their relationship, but also a little over a month later, Mary realizes she’s pregnant and secretly seeks advise from a friend.

When the Mary’s confidant betrays her, all hell breaks loose. Still deeply in love, Robert and Mary fear their families are going to force them apart and make Mary to give up the baby, so they concoct a plan to run away.

Mary flees school, and joins Robert on a wild cross-country journey in a 1967 Triumph Spitfire with no heat. On their own and in the streets, Mary and Robert hunt for a way to survive for the sake of their relationship, and their unborn child.

CROSSING THRESHOLDS is a mainstream novel just over 80000 words. It will appeal to YA readers and readers interested in taking a journey back in time.

SSB wrote:This was my first post, but I deleted it. This is actually my third revision of my query.

It's 1976. Everyone looks old to Mary, even the young people. Maybe it's the long hair and scraggly beards of the dirty, bare-foot, shirtless dudes. Or maybe it's the sagging, braless breasts flagrantly flopping like freak flags below the rock star T-shirts of the ironed hair, glassy-eyed 1970s chicks, but Mary feels like a misfit.

Caught between the generation of love and the generation of self-indulgence, something in her soul will not allow her to conform, even when she wants to. Her inner struggle pulls her between being the good girl her old-fashioned, conservative parents expect her to be, and the free-spirited hippie she wants to be.

These two paragraphs are a bit too much for set-up in my opinion, but I wouldn't necessarily leave them out. It's up to you. Maybe condense them. I do like that you give us a good taste of the culture, but I think you overdo it a little.

Feeling stifled and on the verge of delinquency, she meets Robert Marchioni, a handsome 20-year-old with long hair and a wild reputation. Both anarchic spirits by nature, Mary and Robert, feel a magnetic pull toward each other. The elements that each contribute to the relationship create a toxic cocktail laced with rebellion and drug use. Mary soon finds it hard to keep her new lifestyle under wraps.

Late one night, while hopped-up on opium-laced Thai Stick, the two stumble to the cellar of Robert’s family home and make it on the floor. Not only does Robert’s father catch them in the act, but also,a month later, Mary realizes she is pregnant and secretly seeks advise (advice) from a friend. I like the previous poster's suggestion about shorter sentences here.When Mary’s confidant betrays her, all hell breaks loose. Still madly in love, Robert and Mary fear their families are going to force them apart and make Mary give up the baby, so they concoct a desperate plan to run away.

Mary flees school, and joins Robert on a wild cross-country journey in a 1967 Triumph Spitfire. On their own, and in the streets, Mary and Robert hunt for a way to survive for the sake of their relationship, and their unborn child. Is there a specific climatic conflict that happens in the book that will leave us hanging other than just their survival? I think it's fine the way it is, enough for me to definitely want to read it, I just wonder if leaving the query off on a bigger cliffhanger would be more enticing.Great job on this, I can tell from your query this is well written novel.

CROSSING THRESHOLDS is a mainstream novel just over 80000 words. It will appeal to YA readers and readers interested in taking a journey back in time.