2nd revision to ELSA- women's fiction (pls look at end)

[linda307]

Hi again! Instead of putting this in the same, long post, I've made a separate post. I haven't added the secret yet, but have taken many suggestions. Please let me know what you think. Thanks so much for you help and advice!! I really appreciate it!


Dear Agent:

Elsa Kartchner struggles to share a family secret that creates lifelong tension between her and her mother. It only gets worse when her mom, the only other person who holds the secret, passes away. The secret can’t stay hidden forever and Elsa must tell her daughter, the person she cherishes the most.

The story opens with three generations of Kartchners living under one roof. There’s Elsa, along with her 25-year-old daughter Laura who’s crashing on the couch to save money and 84-year-old mom Millie who’s nursing a broken hip. But, Laura won’t be staying for long. She’s packing up for a year-long trip to Russia. As Elsa says goodbye to a free-spirited daughter she adores, she becomes caretaker to a bitter mother – one who’d rather live in denial than offer forgiveness.

When her mother dies, Elsa struggles to bury the past or let her long-kept secret come out – a tragedy she hasn’t talked about for 30 years. Fearing Laura may discover the secret when she returns, Elsa decides to confess. She travels to Russia hoping for acceptance. While there, Elsa gets her own surprise when she learns Laura plans to stay in Russia indefinitely. Elsa returns home, but as a single mom with an only daughter, Elsa hasn’t figured out how to cut the apron strings. She returns once more to beg Laura to come home. Instead, Elsa confronts her past – and learns how to let go of it – with a little help from Alexei, a Russian expat she meets on the plane.

While living in Russia, I was inspired to write THE ARRIVAL OF ELSA, a story that spans four decades and shows a true slice of modern-day Russia. My 77,000-word women’s fiction with an international slant follows three generations as guilt, grief, and a longing for forgiveness test their relationships. I’m a freelance writer and have contributed to XXX.

Thanks for your consideration.

[glj]

[quoteElsa Kartchner struggles to share a family secret that creates lifelong tension between her and her mother. It only gets worse when her mom, the only other person who holds the secret, passes away. The secret can’t stay hidden forever and Elsa must tell her daughter, the person she cherishes the most.][/quote]

One problem is that this is written almost as a historical description of an event. The wording is a bit dry and doesn't draw me in. How about:

When Elsa's mother passes away, Elsa wonders if she can now confess the family secret that she has buried away for so many years--the secret that kept her and her mother at odds.

Or something similar.

The story opens Oh, no no no, don't make it sound like you are talking about your manuscript! Engage the reader by telling the story. Telling us that you are going to tell about your story comes across as stilted, maybe even lacking in self-confidence. And dry. with three generations of Kartchners living under one roof. There’s Elsa, along with her 25-year-old daughter Laura who’s crashing on the couch to save money and 84-year-old mom Millie who’s nursing a broken hip. Tell us this as if you a writing a super-condensed version of your book. Because you are. "Elsa is trying to help her daughter Laura prepare for a trip to Russia, while being hampered by nursing 84-year-old mom recover from a broken hip (or something along this line) But, Laura won’t be staying for long. She’s packing up for a year-long trip to Russia. As Elsa says goodbye to a free-spirited daughter she adores, she becomes caretaker to a bitter mother – one who’d rather live in denial than offer forgiveness. Make this more active. However, this doesn't seem necessary or helpful for a query. Why tell about preparations for the trip? It would be more engaging if you start out with a conflict or dilemma.

When her mother dies, Elsa struggles to bury the past or let her long-kept secret come out – a tragedy she hasn’t talked about for 30 years. Now this sounds more like the beginning of an interesting story! Fearing Laura may discover the secret when she returns, Elsa decides to confess. Shetravels to Russia hoping to bring things out into the open and win her daughter's foracceptance. While thereBut when she finds her daughter, Elsa gets her own surprise when she learns Laura plans to stay in Russia indefinitely. Elsa returns home, but as a single mom with an only daughter, Elsa hasn’t figured out how to cut the apron strings. She returns once more to beg Laura to come home. Not important enough for the query. Focus on the conflict that drives the plot. Make the reader sympathize with Elsa. Show a choice that Elsa must make, and the competing consequences. Instead, Elsa confronts her past – and learns how to let go of it – with a little help from Alexei, a Russian expat she meets on the plane. This is too vague to create much curiosity. Again, show a difficult choice and what the negative and positive consequences are of her decision to reveal the family secret. You may not have to reveal the secret, but show the reader what will happen if she DOES reveal the secret, and what will happen if she DOESN'T reveal the secret.

While living in Russia, I was inspired to write THE ARRIVAL OF ELSA, a story that spans four decades and shows a true slice of modern-day Russia. My 77,000-word women’s fiction with an international slant I'm not sure what this means follows three generations as guilt, grief, and a longing for forgiveness test their relationships. I’m a freelance writer and have contributed to XXX. Your experience in Russia will give you credibility, and I would certainly mention it. But you might consider using it to emphasize your knowledge of the customs, attitudes, etc. Not sure about "spans four decades", as it might imply that you are not telling the story through just Elsa.

[linda307]

Thank you glj!! This is exactly what I needed - you've given me great feedback on what needs improvement. I'll work on a revision and I'm hoping, if time permits, to have something up to show next week.

[linda307]

Thanks to glj, I've made a lot of changes to my query. In the first one, I didn't tell enough about Elsa and things that have happened to her - I'm trying to build some compassion for her with the reader. Or as glj says 'build sympathy'. It's also a little longer at about 390 words. Not sure if that's too long. Let me know what you think and thanks everyone for your help!!


Dear Agent,

Elsa Kartchner struggles to share the tragedy that creates lifelong tension between her and her mother. When her mother dies, Elsa must decide whether to bury the past or let her long-kept secret come out – one she hasn’t talked about for 30 years.

For middle-aged Elsa, a few crow’s feet have been earned the hard way: the loss of a father she adores, the untimely death of her husband just four years into their marriage, and a 15-year-long relationship that has gone nowhere. But, it’s the connection with her mother that troubles Elsa the most. To get past it, Elsa leaves New York City for a job in DC. Just as she’s getting comfortable in her new apartment, Elsa learns that her mother has broken her hip. Swearing she’d never put her mother in a nursing home, Elsa takes her in to recuperate. For Elsa, the saving grace is Laura, her free-spirited 25-year-old daughter who has been crashing on Elsa’s couch. Unfortunately, Laura won’t be staying for long. She’s leaving for a year-long trip to Russia in just a few days.

With her mother under the same roof, Elsa hopes they can mend their relationship and stop living in denial. But it never happens. Her mother dies and now Elsa must find the courage to tell Laura her secret. Elsa travels to Russia hoping to confess, but gets her own surprise – Laura plans to stay in Russia indefinitely. Devastated, Elsa cuts her trip short. But Elsa’s walk on Russian soil isn’t her last. She returns to beg Laura to come home. By chance, it’s during her travels that Elsa meets Alexei, a Russian expat. She accepts his invitation to explore St. Petersburg – with midnight strolls during White Nights and Russian crepes and caviar at the Pushkin cafe. What starts as a brief encounter turns into a trusting relationship, one that could help Elsa rebuild her life and accept the one her daughter has chosen – if she’s willing to open up and let go of the past.

While living in Russia, I was inspired to write THE ARRIVAL OF ELSA. My 77,000-word multicultural women’s fiction follows Elsa’s struggle to face the truth no matter what she may lose or discover along the way.

I’m a freelance writer and have contributed to XXX. Thanks so much for your consideration.

[oldhousejunkie]

Dear Agent,

Elsa Kartchner struggles to share the tragedy that creates lifelong tension between her and her mother. I think this first line could be written better, be more engaging, but you've got the right spirit. When her mother dies, Elsa must decide whether to bury the past or let her long-kept secret come out – one she hasn’t talked about for 30 years.

For middle-aged Elsa, a few crow’s feet have been earned the hard way: the loss of a father she adores, the untimely death of her husband just four years into their marriage, and a 15-year-long relationship that has gone nowhere. But, it’s the connection with her mother that troubles Elsa the most. To get past it, Elsa leaves New York City for a job in DC. Just as she’s getting comfortable in her new apartment, Elsa learns that her mother has broken her hip. Swearing she’d never put her mother in a nursing home, Elsa takes her in to recuperate is forced to take in her ailing 85-year-old mother. For Elsa, the Elsa's saving grace is Laura, her free-spirited 25-year-old daughter who has been crashing on Elsa’s couch. Unfortunately, Laura won’t be staying for long. But when Laura announces that she is leaving for a year-long-tripShe’s leaving for a year-long trip to Russia, in just a few days Elsa must cope on her own.

With her mother under the same roof, Elsa hopes they can mend their relationship and stop living in denial. But it never happens. This hope is cut short when her mother dies and nowElsa must finds the courage to tell confess her secret to Laura her secret. Elsa travels to Russia hoping to confess[/s], but gets her own surprise – only to learn that Laura plans to stay in Russia indefinitely. Devastated, Elsa cuts her trip short. But Elsa’s walk on Russian soil isn’t her last. When she returns to beg Laura to come home , By chance, it’s during her travels that Elsa she meets Alexei, a Russian expat. She accepts his invitation to explore St. Petersburg – with midnight strolls during White Nights and Russian crepes and caviar at the Pushkin cafe. What starts as a brief encounter turns into a trusting relationship, one that could help Elsa rebuild her life and accept the one her daughter has chosen – if she’s willing to open up and let go of the past.

While living in Russia, I was inspired to write THE ARRIVAL OF ELSA. My 77,000-word multicultural I don't think that's the word you're looking for women’s fiction follows Elsa’s struggle to face the truth no matter what she may lose or discover along the way.

I’m a freelance writer and have contributed to XXX. Thanks so much for your consideration.

This is 180 degree turn in the right direction. Your voice is finally showing, and you're connecting the plot points better. But I just spent loads of time critiquing your original post, which is why it's important to keep posting in the same thread, even if it gets lengthy. But you're new, so you have learn sometime. :-) Good luck.

[linda307]

Dear oldhousejunkie: thanks so much for your critique! And I'm sorry about the mess up in the previous post. Your comments are great and I've taken most of them. The only thing is: I can't, for the life of me, figure out how to make the first sentence stronger/more engaging. But, here goes for the rest of it. And, thanks to everyone for their help!!


Dear Agent,

Elsa Kartchner struggles to share the tragedy that creates lifelong tension between her and her mother. When her mother dies, Elsa must decide whether to bury the past or let her long-kept secret come out – one she hasn’t talked about for 30 years.

For middle-aged Elsa, a few crow’s feet have been earned the hard way: the loss of a father she adores, the untimely death of her husband just four years into their marriage, and a 15-year-long relationship that has gone nowhere. But, it’s the connection with her mother that troubles Elsa the most. To get past it, Elsa leaves New York City for a job in DC. Just as she’s getting comfortable in her new apartment, Elsa is forced to take in her ailing 84-year-old mother. Elsa’s saving grace is Laura, her free-spirited 25-year-old daughter. But when Laura leaves for a year-long trip to Russia, Elsa must cope on her own.

With her mother under the same roof, Elsa hopes they can mend their relationship and stop living in denial. But it never happens. When her mother dies, Elsa must find the courage to confess her secret to Laura. Elsa travels to Russia only to learn that Laura plans to stay in Russia indefinitely. Devastated, Elsa cuts her trip short. But Elsa’s walk on Russian soil isn’t her last. When she returns to beg Laura to come home, she meets Alexei, a Russian expat. Elsa accepts his invitation to explore his beloved city of St. Petersburg – with midnight strolls during White Nights and Russian crepes and caviar at the Pushkin cafe. What starts as a brief encounter turns into a trusting relationship, one that could help Elsa rebuild her life and accept the one her daughter has chosen – if she’s willing to open up and let go of the past.

While living in Russia, I was inspired to write THE ARRIVAL OF ELSA. My 77,000-word women’s fiction follows Elsa’s struggle to face the truth no matter what she may lose or discover along the way.

I’m a freelance writer and have contributed to XXX. Thanks so much for your consideration.

[GeeGee55]

Hi, Linda307:

First, good for you for keeping on. Doing a query is the hardest thing ever.

Secondly, a couple of comments that I hope might be of help to you. Nathan has a post (sorry I don't recall the exact title) about specificity. In it he talks about being specific about the plot. I think it might head you in the right direction. Also, I think your query needs to be further edited for length - it seems longish to me.

Thirdly,

Elsa Kartchner struggles to share the tragedy that creates lifelong tension between her and her mother. When her mother dies, Elsa must decide whether to bury the past or let her long-kept secret come out – one she hasn’t talked about for 30 years. - I think this is too general, not specific enough and I think you have a better beginning in the piece at the beginning of this post. It is (edited to just include all the pertinent details): Three generations of Kartchners live under one roof: Elsa, her 25-year-old daughter Laura and her 84-year-old mom Millie who’s nursing a broken hip. Three women of varying ages sharing a home, lots of opportunity for conflict. And then what happens? And I think you must be more specific about the secret. If we know it we can sympathize with both women and you can state more clearly what must be overcome before mom and daughter can become close.

And, last, I like your story idea. Good for you for going to Russia. Good luck.

[Joel Q]

This reads more like a log line and a synopsis.
I recommend taking a look at Nathan's posts on writing a query.
JQ