THE NINTH STEP-query try

[Madaboutstories]

Dear Awesome Agent,

[Personalization]

When infamous James Duke stepped into Dr. Laura Masters' fledgling office she was both excited and intimidated. Certainly, she needed the money and his celebrity added a challenge to his mental care, but if she failed miserably it could cost her her reputation and barely begun career. It was James' certainty that Laura could help him that ultimately tipped the scales.

In the first session, James revealed that he had trouble maintaining his sobriety due to an unresolved childhood trauma that he felt extreme guilt about. Although, Laura understood his obsessive urge to seek out the girl he hurt, Laura advised against it because the cost to the woman may be too great, especially while he was in the public eye. Laura also feared his need to purge himself hid his underlying suicidal tendencies.

James did not comply. Laura scrambled to help manouever James through the firestorm that was bound to come. Her practice, her livelihood and his life hung in the balance.

This 69,000 word psychological novel looks into the effects of childhood abuse, addiction and celebrity.

Thanks for your consideration,
Laura Hyatt

[Yoshima]

Dear Awesome Agent,

[Personalization]

When infamous James Duke stepped into Dr. Laura Masters' fledgling office she was both excited and intimidated. Certainly, she needed the money and his celebrity added a challenge to his mental care, but if she failed miserably it could cost her her reputation and barely begun career. It was James' certainty that Laura could help him that ultimately tipped the scales.

In the first session, James revealed that he had trouble maintaining his sobriety due to an unresolved childhood trauma that he felt extreme guilt about. Although, Laura understood his obsessive urge to seek out the girl he hurt, Laura advised against it because the cost to the woman may be too great, especially while he was in the public eye. Laura also feared his need to purge himself hid his underlying suicidal tendencies.

James did not comply. Laura scrambled to help manouever James through the firestorm that was bound to come. Her practice, her livelihood and his life hung in the balance.

This 69,000 word psychological novel looks into the effects of childhood abuse, addiction and celebrity.

Thanks for your consideration,
Laura Hyatt

First off, the length of the query is very good, and it's written nice and concise. So good job on that. :) Keep in mind that I'm not an expert; these are just my thoughts while reading your query.

1. Use present tense, not past.
2. In the 2nd sentence, the stakes are her reputation and her barely begun career. They're kind of contradictory; she can't have much of a reputation yet if her career is barely begun.
3. For me, the third sentence kind of ruined the conflict you set up so nicely; it made me want to stop reading because the intrigue was gone, even though your book sounds interesting. Also, how is James certain Laura can help him if her career is barely begun? Did she have a famous case previously?
4. "Unresolved childhood trauma that he felt extreme guilt about" doesn't feel quite right. When I read the word "trauma" I assume you mean that he was a victim of some terrible event. But then you say he feels guilty about it, implying that he's the perp not the victim. Now I'm confused.
5. Next you clarify that he hurt a girl. Okay, so he's the perp after all; but why not just say that in the first place?
6. Also in sentence 5, there's one too many "Laura's" and no comma after "Although." Another note: "to the woman" is redundant, since we already know she's female; "to her" is fine.
7. Purge himself? Is he bulimic? Also, "suicidal tendencies" don't make the threat seem real to me...like there isn't a danger of him actually going through with it. Maybe reference a pertinent example of how close he got to killing himself.
8. And the last sentence...I really think you should reconsider it. Right now, you just described a bunch of craziness, and then you say things are hanging in the balance. What balance? I see no balance (and in a psychological novel, it would be boring if there was balance).
9. The last one, I swear! Your line giving the gist of your book doesn't need to tell me that it looks into such and such. From the sections above I should already know what your book is about.

To me, it feels too condensed. Sure, it was tight and concise and that's great, but I didn't see much personality in it. I know you're excited about your book, so show it in your query! You've got plenty of space to jazz it up a little. I hope this helps. Again, just suggestions. Good luck with revisions! :)

[shadow]

Let me shoot. lols

Dear Awesome Agent,

[Personalization]

When infamous James Duke stepped into Dr. Laura Masters' fledgling office she was both excited and intimidated. and why is that?Certainly, she needed the money and his celebrity added a challenge to his mental care, but if she failed miserably it could cost her her reputation and barely begun career. It was James' certainty that Laura could help him that ultimately tipped the scales.The last sentence is weird. What problem does he have? and you might want to rearange it.

In the first session, James revealed that he had trouble maintaining his sobriety due to an unresolved childhood trauma that he felt extreme guilt about. Although, Laura understood his obsessive urge to seek out the girl he hurt, Laura advised against it because the cost to the woman may be too great, especially while he was in the public eye. Laura also feared his need to purge himself hid his underlying suicidal tendencies. Purge himself?? A bit confusing and you might want to strengthen your connections with these different aspects of problems that he is suffering.

James did not comply. You mean that he went to her asking for help and now he doesn't want it anymore? Why? is there a reason?Laura scrambled to help manouever James through the firestorm that was bound to come. I thought he pushed her away. Her practice, her livelihood and his life hung in the balance. How did it? Her job you mean or his publicity??

This 69,000 word psychological novel looks into the effects of childhood abuse, addiction and celebrity.

Thanks for your consideration,
Laura Hyatt

Overall you have an interesting idea and good premise. I wish you luck in your query process.

[Dankrubis]

Dear Awesome Agent,

[Personalization]

When infamous James Duke stepped into Dr. Laura Masters' fledgling office she was both excited and intimidated This is okay with me, since it's answered in the following sentence. Certainly, she needed the money and his celebrity added a challenge to his mental care, but if she failed miserably it could cost her her reputation and barely begun career Agreed, reputation + barely begun career?. It was James' certainty that Laura could help him that ultimately tipped the scales.

In the first session, James revealed that he had trouble maintaining his sobriety due to an unresolved childhood trauma that he felt extreme guilt about. Although, axe this comma Laura understood his obsessive urge to seek out the girl he hurt, Laura advised against it because the cost to the woman may be too great, especially while he was in the public eye. Laura also feared his need to purge himself hid his underlying suicidal tendencies. This last sentence, at the very least, needs to be reworded (three words in a row that start with H- bordering on a tongue-twister). Also, it doesn't make much sense. I only minored in psychology, but I don't understand how a desire to confront demons from the past is actually a mask for suicide.

James did not comply. Laura scrambled to help manouever James through the firestorm that was bound to come. Her practice, her livelihood and his life hung in the balance. Maybe get a little more specific here? See, I like the hook- young shrink gets a famous client, but after that things get hazy. What's the story? I know there's a girl in his past that he does something to, but that's all you've given us.

This 69,000 word psychological novel looks into the effects of childhood abuse, addiction and celebrity. Lastly, if I were an agent, I'd be confused as to what kind of novel this is. Is this a psychological thriller? Is this a literary novel? The hook makes it sound like a genre novel (celebs don't hire shrinks right out of college), but then I read this last sentence and got confused. Now I'm thinking this is a very serious literary novel chock full of psychological evaluations.

Thanks for your consideration,
Laura Hyatt

[Madaboutstories]

Thanks for pointing out the confusing parts. I've had trouble with how much info dumping to do in a query, so maybe you can help me sort it out.
1) Laura is not a new psychologist-she had previously worked in a hospital, but recently begun a private practice.
2) Laura was recommended by a colleague to James-he tells her in the first interview.
3) James's passion for "making ammends, putting things right", along with his behavioural cues (showing nervousness/lying) and his self-deprecating language, alerts Laura to possibly pre-cursor a suicide attempt. (And yes, he does have a history.) This is actually a misconception made by Laura-James has other reasons for his behaviour-which is explained at the end.
4) I wrote the story in the past, it just worked better that way.
5)James is used to getting the advice he wants to hear and is certain his way is better. When he meets the girl from his past-he does so under a pretense, he realizes she has no idea who he is in terms of their past. Yet, he still wants to make his ammends personally and wants Laura's help in broaching the subject.
6)James is not the direct perpetraotr of the 'hurt'. He has a form of survivor guilt (although no one died). It's like witnessing an accident where someone is hurt and it could have just as easily been you. This is compounded by the pact James and the girl made to keep it 'secret'.
7) Right now the genre for me is convolluted-I better just say novel, cause I'm sure of that, and only that-lol

[Yoshima]

In this case I don't think you can get around at least a little info dumping. Actually, in one case especially I think it'll help out a lot: the form of survivor's guilt. This guilt seems crucial to your plot (if not ignore me :) ), so it deserves some light in the query. I don't know what the actual situation is...maybe something like "As a wee nipper James witnessed something terrible happening to one of his classmates and did nothing to stop it. He made a pact with the victim never to speak of it again, but the guilt becomes unbearable during his sessions with Laura." Okay, that's a really bad example, but I guess what I'm trying to say is that a little explanation about why James HAS to see this girl would help make the conflict feel more urgent (and therefore more interesting!). I'm having info-dump trouble with my own query, too, so I feel your pain. *sigh* Hope your rewriting process is going better than mine, lol.

[Madaboutstories]

Thanks Yoshima! I didn't want to refer to 'survivor guilt' because some might confuse my story with the paranormal. (He wants to confront a ghost now?) I like your example of a point by point plot process to explain, it's actually not that bad. I'll incorporate it for my next revision. Thanks again.
p.s. maybe I should call this women's lit

[lexcade]

Dear Awesome Agent,

[Personalization]

When infamous who is he? is he a high-profile lawyer, an actor, a musician? comedian masking his mental situation with humor?James Duke stepped into Dr. Laura Masters' fledgling office she was both excited and intimidated. Certainly, she needed the money and his celebrity added a challenge to his mental care, but if she failed miserably it could cost her her reputation and barely begun career i'd add in the part about her working in a hospital somewhere around this point. maybe the person who referred James to her should be the certain one, or maybe she did have a more high-profile case while at the hospital. there has to be a reason that James is certain she can help him.. It was James' certainty that Laura could help him that ultimately tipped the scales.

In the first session, James revealed that he had trouble maintaining his sobriety due to an unresolved childhood trauma that he felt extreme guilt about. Although, Laura understood his obsessive urge to seek out the girl he hurt, Laura advised against it because the cost to the woman may be too great, especially while he was in the public eye. Laura also feared his need to purge himself hid his underlying suicidal tendencies. maybe you should throw in his lying "ticks," i.e. looking away from her when he speaks, playing with his tie, or wringing his hands. would add characterization without calling it out. also it would help to know that he did have a history of suicide attempts.

James did not comply. what happened? did this lead to another attack?Laura scrambled to help manouever James through the firestorm that was bound to come. Her practice, her livelihood and his life hung in the balance.

This 69,000 word psychological novel looks into the effects of childhood abuse, addiction and celebrity. Lastly, if I were an agent, I'd be confused as to what kind of novel this is. Is this a psychological thriller? Is this a literary novel? The hook makes it sound like a genre novel (celebs don't hire shrinks right out of college), but then I read this last sentence and got confused. Now I'm thinking this is a very serious literary novel chock full of psychological evaluations. i agree wholeheartedly with that. include the novel title before word count.i

Thanks for your consideration,
Laura Hyatt

this sounds really cool. it just needs to be fleshed out a little bit more.