Nathan Bransford - The Forums

Hi, new member here. I'm going to post the query of my book, but I don't want query advice. I want plot advice. Can you please help me out? How is the plot? Does it make sense? What would you change? What would you add? Thank you in advance!

------

Despite the fact that Alex isn't that fond of children, he puts a babysitting ad in the paper. He intends on getting an easy job - a quiet obedient kid to watch for an hour or two. A couple replies to the ad, asking him to babysit their twelve year-old son.

Haley Myers is a mature, bright eyed kid with academic skills and an open and helpful personality. He offers to mow the neighbors lawn, wash the car, even trim the hedges of the people who live across the street from him. For free.

Despite the fact that they all decline his offers, Alex thinks that Haley meant sincerely to help. To Alex he looks perfectly capable of watching himself for a hour or two while his parents go to the movies.

But when the other side of Haley's personality releases the third time Alex is asked to babysit, he finds himself dealing with a boy who tortures his cat, throws soda cans at squirrels, and mutters things about how he hates and will one day kill everyone around him.

Alex is even more surprised to see that Haley's parents are distant towards the situation. They blatantly ignore Haley's insanity, whether it's by talking loudly over his mutterings or leaving through the door they came when they see the cat groaning on the floor in pain.

The worst part is that when Haley is back to "normal" he simply tells Alex that the cat got run over by a car the previous day, the garbage can fell over the previous night and that's why the soda cans are in the front yard, and he loves his parents and thinks of Alex as a role model and would never kill anybody.

He tries to tell his friend Sam who just tells him that Haley is being a kid and trying to freak him out, and that the cat probably did get run over by a car. As much as Alex would like to believe her, he knows that something is up. There are some things that he can't ignore.

Alex is caught between just quitting his paycheck, or sticking around to find out what exactly is wrong with Haley and why his parents aren't the least bit alarmed about his personality problems.

Plus, it's not like Haley is all evil - just half of the time.

HALEY is a 50,000 word (what genre does it sound like to you?)

Hi, Severus.

Considering this is obviously not my genre or any genre I've written in, take my guess with a grain of salt. I'm thinking...suspense, maybe? Thriller? It seems like it might be short, though, unless it's YA. How old is Alex?

You might try posting this in the queries section of feedback central (or sometimes the moderator or admin moves a post for us). There are a few people who spend a lot of time helping out with queries in that section who might not read the All Things Writing topics. You can find it here:

viewforum.php?f=13

The main dramatic complication to me from what's given is figuring out what's wrong with an emotionally disturbable child. Psychology is in play, mystery is in play, psychological horror is in play; therefore, I project a psychological thriller type narrative. Because babysitting is involved, I also project a later young adult age genre.

Personally, I'd be keen to know what triggers the child's sadistic episodes, which I expect is Alex's motivation. And find out what cycles him back into healthy behavior. Not a who-done-it mystery, but a psychological thriller's why-it's-done suspense question.

I completely agree with Polymath. Psycho-thriller. And very down-to-earth breakdown by Polymath too.

Severus Lawliet wrote:I have put the query in the query section for query critique, but I thought that asking for help on the plot wasn't for the query section.

Oh, I see what you mean. For some reason I was just thinking of your pitch, not your plot. I didn't realize you had it in the query section. Didn't want you to miss the opportunity for query feedback.

The synopsis posits a situation centered on Haley. Alex is an involved bystander. It's mostly setup of the outset. Maybe as much as the front quarter to half of the story. The middle seems Alex's efforts to figure out what's wrong with Haley. For the back half, I'd be curious to know what the outcome is and the payoff for Alex and Haley. Psychological thrillers generally figure out why the abberant behavior is done, what are the motivations behind it, and puts a stop to it. That's the event transformation that comes in an outcome and payoff of a psychological thriller. I'd also be curious to know the character outcomes, payoffs, and transformations. Maybe if it comes into play, I'm also curious to know how a central idea comes out, pays off, and is transformed.

A synopsis or a pitch or an opening sets up a promise of what an ending might be, at least an either/or. A basic way to conceive of a whole narrative is a complete turn of circumstances, transformation from bad to good, from good to bad, or bad to worse. That's a whole narrative plan formula boiled down to it's most basic form.

If an opening begins with favorable circumstances, reader expectations and cultural coding conventions are pre-prepared for tragic outcomes, and vice versa for unfavorable circumstances in an opening with favorable outcomes. As subconscious or nonconscious as readers are of it, they're probably able to predict where a story goes because of it. Thunderclap twist surprises or coincidences out of a clear blue sky are discomfitting, but prepositioned or foreshadowed twists, turns, or reversals satisfy. Also known as Chekhov's gun. If a gun is in a first act, it better be fired by the third act. Of as I think of it from a writing perspective, the inverse, If a gun is fired in the third act it ought to be prepositioned earlier on. When I encounter a wayward motif, a loose end not tied up, I scream, Pull the trigger for pete's sake.

Basically, plot movement requires a single-minded pursuit by a main character or protagonist toward a goal or purpose, desire, etc. Doubt increases as reversals interfere with a desired outcome. Reversals: twists, setbacks, letdowns, obstacles, impediments, refusals, etc.

These are kind of rhetorical questions I ask. Giving away an ending is not a best practice before publication.

What's Alex's main purpose? His main complication is Haley's behavior. What's his self-serving motivation? He wants to make some easy money but what for? What's his outcome? His payoff? His character transformation?

Similar questions for Haley.

I'm not sure if what triggers Haley's sadistic episodes is an entity or force or what. If an entity, that character too needs a purpose or motive, an outcome, payoff, and transformation. If an embodied villain, a poetic justice type outcome perhaps. If a natural force, I don't know, maybe it just goes away until another wayward kid summons the beastly force.

Alex and Haley and whatever triggers Haley's episodes seem the three central characters without much need for supporting characters. Maybe the parents as auxilliary characters, and a few extras for verisimilitude, as plot movement requires. None of whom appear to need as much development in terms of purposes (motives), outcomes, payoffs, and transformations.

The length is definitely YA. And I would agree that psychological thriller is a good fit.

But...

Why did you choose a cat to be tortured? I ABSOLUTELY abhor any story or movie where a cat is tortured or killed intentionally. I know it's just a story, but I am always extremely bothered by it. I've even turned a movie off in the first 10 minutes because the girl drowned her kitten. Not cool, dude.

Can you pick a different animal? I know, it's your story but now I'm going to be bothered for the rest of the day just because I read this post. :-(