Nathan Bransford - The Forums

I have to confess something: I'm shallow. When it comes to entertainment, I want it flashy, bright, and explode-y. If it can be described as "touching", "moving", or (heaven forbid) "life-changing", I'm completely disinterested. My idea of a perfect movie would be one written by Joss Whedon and directed by Michael Bay. There'd be lots of clever, snappy dialogue and deep characterization, then something would blow up and hot people would run past the camera in slo-mo. I'd be in movie heaven.

When it comes to books, my tastes aren't much different. I don't want to read something with a "point". I better not get to the end and feel like Yakko Warner will be spinning the Wheel of Morality so he can tell me what I should have learned from your story. It's not that I have anything against people learning decent morals, it's just that I don't want to be force-fed it by someone who thinks my leisure time is their pulpit time.

It's like when General Mills started putting health labels on their cereals. Look, when I'm buying Cocoa Krispies, I don't want to know there are vitamins in it. If I wanted vitamins, I wouldn't be eating Cocoa frickin' Krispies. You know what they should do? They should take out the vitamins. "Now With Fewer Nutrients," that's what the box should say. I'd eat two bowls a day.

I mean, I'd use soy milk. I'm in my 40s now and have to pay some attention to my health. But I digress.

The point is, I don't want vitamins in my sugary cereal, and I don't want spiritual vitamins in my leisure reading, either. I want great characters with intriguing stories, I want shocking adventures and complex villains. I do not want a treatise on feminism, the corruption of power, the misuse of our planet's limited marmot supply, or the evils of self-photography via cell phone cameras.

Now if it happens that your intriguing and shocking tale involves corrupt feminists or whatever, fine. But don't force it. Because I can tell, and so can every other reader, and we didn't plop down our $8 (or $12.99 if you have a Kindle, but that's another rant) for you to lecture us like we're a schoolroom of naughty children who need to be chided.

Good characters fighting for what they believe in – whether they're chasing rogue spies, trying to get the kids through another day, or rounding up a pack of mutant werewolves – will inevitably display positive moral traits. If they're people we're going to want to spend time with and stories that resonate, there will be examples to follow and examples to learn from, not because the author tried to put "a message" in the writing, but because that's how stories that work do work. Just tell me a great story, and let the morality take care of itself.

Seriously, though, we should do something to help the marmots.
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Bio: Jessa Lynch is a will-be fantasy novelist, farm owner, and dog person still trying to adjust to the idea of blogging. Her brand-new website can be found at http://www.jessalynch.com, and you can purchase a stuffed marmot on a skiboard at http://www.marmots.org to help save the marmots.

But Jessa, a spoonful of medicine helps the sugar go down.
A movie written by Joss Whedon and directed by Michael Bay? I'm drooling on my keyboard.
Which makes me about two inches deep.
I like marmots, but I couldn't eat a whole one, however nutritious it might be.

J.T.:

I didn't think drooling on your keyboard made you short. I just picture you hunching over your computer, which you shouldn't do because good posture is important. Sit up straight, dear.

As for the marmot, I'm sure the good people at http://www.marmots.org don't want you eating them either. When they say they're trying to save the marmots, I don't think they mean they're trying to preserve them for dinner. And I should point out that many marmots are critically endangered and eating them is probably against some law or another. If, however, you do find yourself in the position of wishing to attempt to eat one, I have taken the liberty of digging up the following recipe for you, from the good people at http://www.e-Mongol.com (used without permission):

Marmot Boodog

With the opening of a marmot-hunting season, Marmot Boodog becomes a very popular and fun outdoor activity for Mongolians, especially men. Marmot hunting and boodog cooking is a prerogative of men. A freshly killed marmot is separated from intestines and cleaned. Then, a prepared marmot is filled with preheated hot stones and tightly sealed. The marmot meat is cooked by the heat of stones from inside. Additional heating is provided by open fire or gas burner. The same amount of precaution as described above must be used for handling the marmot cooking process. When done, the marmot meat is very tender and tastes like wild duck according to some foreigners.

Ingredients (5 servings):
1 medium marmot
Salt

Cooking gear:
From small to medium sized smooth stones
Firewood

Cooking time:
Approximately 1.5 hours

Clean the marmot, separate the intestines and slightly remove hair from the skin. Rub the inside with salt, fill up with hot stones and seal tightly. Additionally, roast the marmot on slow open fire or with a gas burner. Usually, Mongolians do not use seasonings in order to keep the specific taste of marmot meat. When the cooking is done, the stones are pulled out, rolled in hands, the meat is cut into pieces and served hot.

Regards,

Jessa