Nathan Bransford - The Forums

Dear Agent,

*Captivating and witty remarks on why I think we're meant to be*

On the day the sheep are set on fire by his enemies, Demas receives his first task from the Invisible King: find the lost Prophecy of Rob within thirty days, or a group of peaceful and religious Untouchables will be massacred. Thirteen-year-old Demas trained his whole life for this day. As a law-abiding Untouchable with the gift of perfect aim, he cannot be more qualified for the task. But every expectation of success is torn away when Papa is commanded to sell him as a slave, and not just to anyone—to their worst enemy! The Aiiean's genocide has raged against the Untouchables for as long as Demas can remember, but Papa says becoming a slave is the only way to complete the task. After he grudgingly accepts the humiliating new role, Demas is surprised to find that his master is not the monster he expected. In fact, they set up a successful weapons store together, and Demas questions the hatred between their people.

As he begins his search for the Prophecy, Demas discovers that he's not the only one after it, and that all Untouchables are as peaceful as he believed. The politically powerful, cultish leader of the Untouchables will do anything to sabotage Demas—give him false clues, hire mercenaries to torture him for information, and even put other Untouchables in danger.

With the help of his one-legged friend, Will, and the mysterious neighbor girl, Eyre, Demas uncovers clues that send him on an intense hunt for the Prophecy. He travels from secret caves to underground symbolist to the circus. Demas must not only deal with the everyday rigors of slave life, he must find the lost Prophecy of Rob, protect his friends from mercenaries, and save a group of Untouchables from a massacre—all within thirty days.

Demas' First Task: The Prophecy of Rob is an 80,000 word MG fantasy.

*I'd be delighted to send you the full MS, but if you want me to sign offers of representation immediately, I'd be willing to do that as well.* :-)

Sincerely,

Ellie Ann

Hi EllieAnn,

I don't think you are quite there with your query, yet. I'm going to do a line-by-line because that's the easiest way to point stuff out.

On the day the sheep catch on fire, Demas receives his first task from the Invisible King. Demas is a Keyper of a hidden prophecy, an Old One with the blackest of skin, and a Law-abiding Untouchable with perfect aim and perfect for the task. But The task turns out to be much different to what [is 'different than' correct English?] he expects.
[new paragraph]
His papa is commanded to sell him as a slave, and not just to anyone—to their worst enemy! The Aiiean genocide [your wording here makes it sound as if the Aiiean have been wiped out] has raged against the Untouchables [I am very confused at this point. You introduce two new groups in the same sentence and you've lost me], a peaceful religious group, for as long as Demas can remember. [I'd cut everything in blue. Is Demas an Untouchble? Oh yea - you might want to make that a bit clearer. It was buried in that long sentence in the first paragraph]To be sold to an Aiiean means certain death, unless that Aiiean needs him as a spy. But Demas is surprised to find that his master is not the monster he expected. In fact, they work quite well together, and Demas begins to question the hatred between their people.

As he begins his search for the Prophecy, Demas discovers that he's not the only one after it. The strange and cultish leader of the Untouchables will do anything to sabotage Demas—even hire mercenaries to torture him for information.

With the help of his one-legged friend, Will, and the mysterious neighbor girl, Eyre, Demas begins to uncover clues that send him on a treasure hunt for the prophecy. He travels from secret caves to underground symbolist, even to the circus. As a slave, can Demas regain the family’s honor, find the lost Prophecy of Rob, protect his friends, and save a group of Untouchables from a massacre—all within thirty days?

Yea, so... your query only needs a little work. It's okay, but you need to clarify some things - or just make the start of the query easier to follow.

EllieAnn wrote:
On the day the sheep catch on fire,

Unclear what sheep have to do with this, let alone why they are on fire. Unsure from this first clause whether we are in a comedy, fantasy, or what.

Demas receives his first task from the Invisible King.

Good.

As Keyper

Interesting twist on the word. Good.

of a hidden prophecy, an Old One with the blackest of skin, and a Law-abiding Untouchable with perfect aim, Demas cannot be more qualified for the task.

Excellent description. Intriguing.

But the task turns out to be much different than he expects.

Passive and generic.

His papa is commanded to sell him as a slave, and not just to anyone—to their worst enemy!

Wait a minute. What is the task? How come we're not finding out what is his task?

Also, his papa must be really, really old if Demas is an "Old One". I'm picturing Demas north of eighty years old himself.

The Aiiean genocide has raged against the Untouchables, a peaceful religious group, for as long as Demas can remember.

That's a hella long genocide. How long does it take to mass kill a peaceful religious group? It would be like killing a flock of...sheep, no?

Also, technical question, wouldn't it be called "the Untouchables genocide". Aren't genocides usually named for the genocidees?

To be sold to an Aiiean means certain death, unless that Aiiean needs him as a spy. But Demas is surprised to find that his master is not the monster he expected.

This is your second reference to things Demas expected. No sure it's all that strong to focus on the expectations of your character.

In fact, they work quite well together, and Demas begins to question the hatred between their people.

Don't understand this new wrinkle. The peaceful religious group hates?

As he begins his search for the Prophecy,

Why is he searching for that of which he is the "Keyper" (keeper)? How is he the keeper of a hidden prophecy. How is a prophecy hidden to begin with? Isn't a prophecy simply a prediction for the future. How does one hide (or find) a prediction?

Why is prophecy not capitalized at the beginning and is capitalized here.

Demas discovers that he's not the only one after it. The strange and cultish leader of the Untouchables will do anything to sabotage Demas—even hire mercenaries to torture him for information.

"Strange and cultish" could be strengthened. Those words don't tell us much.

Being willing to do anything, the torturing doesn't seem like much. It seems like the first thing anyone would think of.

With the help of his one-legged friend, Will, and the mysterious neighbor girl, Eyre, Demas begins to uncover clues that send him on a treasure hunt for the prophecy. He travels from secret caves to underground symbolist, even to the circus.

Word missing before "underground"?

Odd that his travels take him from underground (caves) to underground (symbolist).

What is an underground symbolist? Some sort of cave-painting artist?

"Circus" seems anticlimactic to the sentence (and is our first clue that this may not be an adult novel, which isn't necessarily a good thing. Any way to clue us earlier, like saying the MC's age if it is young?).

Again, why a "treasure hunt" for something for which he is keeper, please explain.

Also, "treasure hunt" is a very light term, when the picture you've given us is anything but.

And, how is able to freely hunt with his friends if he is a slave?

As a slave,

Omit as awkward to the sentence.

can Demas regain the family’s honor,

Not clear how the family's honor was besmirched.

find the lost Prophecy of Rob,

First you say it's hidden and now you say it's lost. Which is it?

Now the prophecy has a name? Why not bring this to the top instead of popping it on us at the end. Do we need to know this name, anyway? I'm thinking not.

protect his friends,

this seems generic.

and save a group of Untouchables from a massacre—all within thirty days?

Why thirty days? Where have you alluded to this time limit? Sounds a bit artificial, as written.

Also, ending with this rhetorical question-sentence does not seem as strong as could be, and this device rankles some agents.

Demas' First Task: The Prophecy of Rob is an 80,000 word MG fantasy.

Best to All-CAPS the title.

It is full of adventure and mystery, but at its heart it's a story about how tasks are not worth sacrificing friendships for.

*I'd be delighted to send you the full MS, but if you want me to sign offers of representation immediately, I'd be willing to do that as well.* :-)

Omit.

Sounds like a great story, and I like the tone of the writing here, but we could use some clarifications in this query.

Wow! Thanks so much for the terrific revision advice. Since I'm so close to the story, I sometimes forget how foreign the new names and terms are. I tried to take out as many confusing things as I could with this revision. It does read a lot smoother now, thanks to you both!
I hope that my new edited version (that I re-posted in place of the last query) is better. What do you think?
Thanks for the advice!

Hi Ellie Ann,

From your query, it sounds like you have a great story-- a quest adventure that tests the friendship of the characters, and with more sinister dangers before them and behind!

I think your query could be refined though. It seemed like you introduced too many things, and they didn't always connect. For example, by the end of the query, I'm not sure why you needed to mention the Invisible King in the first place-- couldn't the query just begin with Demas being sent to slavery, and go from there?

If you ever read Query Shark, here are the 3 important questions you need to address in your query, according to Janet Reid:

1. Who is the protagonist?
2. What choice does s/he face?
3. What are the consequences of the choice?

Consider trimming anything that doesn't answer any of the above. Below is my line-by-line review. I hope you find some of it useful-- and thanks for sharing your query!

Dear Agent,

*Captivating and witty remarks on why I think we're meant to be* this should work!

On the day the sheep catch on fire, Demas receives his first task from the Invisible King. The sheep catching on fire is definitely an eye-popping event. But I think you should explain the significance of it to give the reader some meaning of its importance. Otherwise, its unclear why the sheep catching on fire leads to Demas receiving his first task from the Invisible King

As Keyper of a hidden prophecy, an Old One with the blackest of skin, and a Law-abiding Untouchable with perfect aim, Demas cannot be more qualified for the task.
I love fantasy books and read lots of them. Here, you name 3 things that are exclusive to your fantasy world: Keyper, Old One, and Untouchable. While one can use their imagination to guess at what these terms mean, consider either defining them somehow or removing them. For example, instead of saying he’s an “Untouchable with perfect aim” (I’m not sure what an Untouchable is, and not sure what he has perfect aim with—guns? Crossbow? Sling? Etc.), why not just say, he’s a skilled archer?

But the task turns out to be much different than he expects. His papa is commanded to sell him as a slave, and not just to anyone—to their worst enemy! Here’s where I think the conflict is introduced, and it’s a good one! But this didn’t read right to me. Earlier, you state that Demas is given his first task, but here, the task seems to actually have been given to his father, not Demas. Consider rephrasing.

The Aiiean genocide has raged against the Untouchables, a peaceful religious group, for as long as Demas can remember. I think the part in italics can be deleted. Here you begin to describe what the Untouchables are; consider moving this information to when the Untouchables are first mentioned, if you feel it’s necessary.

To be sold to an Aiiean means certain death, unless that Aiiean needs him as a spy. Careful here. In the first part of the sentence, you say being sold to an Aiiean means certain death. Then you mention that it’s not so certain, after all (if he’s needed as a spy). Consider rewording this to be more succinct. Example: Only those who served as spies had any chance of surviving as slaves of the Aiieans.

But Demas is surprised to find that his master is not the monster he expected. This is a great twist!

In fact, they work quite well together, Consider giving something specific here instead of this generalization. What’s one important thing they do well together?

and Demas begins to question the hatred between their people. This sounds like a very cool development. But, consider revising the italicised part to just: “Demas questions…”

As he begins his search for the Prophecy, Demas discovers that he's not the only one after it. This is the first time the Prophecy is mentioned. It’s important to mention why he begins to search for it.

The strange and cultish leader of the Untouchables will do anything to sabotage Demas—even hire mercenaries to torture him for information. This reads as if the Untouchables weren’t what they originally seemed, since they were called “a peaceful religious group” earlier. If this is the case, I think you need to state this in a straightforward way. Otherwise, the narrative seems contradictory.

With the help of his one-legged friend, Will, and the mysterious neighbor girl, Eyre, Demas begins to uncover clues that send him on a treasure hunt for the prophecy. Here you can trim “begins to uncover” to just “uncovers”. Also, since you already have so many names in the query, consider just saying, “With the help of his friends…”

He travels from secret caves to underground symbolist, even to the circus. As a slave, can Demas regain the family’s honor, find the lost Prophecy of Rob, protect his friends, and save a group of Untouchables from a massacre—all within thirty days? I liked this, it gives a sense of what Demas has to go through. But as I read this, I couldn’t help but wonder why—as a slave— Demas has so much freedom. Also, I’ve read from other query blogs not to pose questions like you do here. Of course, one agent might be drawn into it and another might hate it.

Demas' First Task: The Prophecy of Rob is an 80,000 word MG fantasy. It is full of adventure and mystery, but at its heart it's a story about how tasks are not worth sacrificing friendships for. Here, consider being more specific what the “task” is. As it is, it seems to vague, and as stated, it’s something I wouldn’t agree with. For example, wouldn’t sacrificing a friendship be worth saving that friend's life?

To sgf,

Wow, you are a really talented editor. Your notes helped me immensely! My query is about 100x stronger than when I first posted it. Thanks so much for your great advice! Good luck in your own writing!
I've revised the query and re-posted it in place of my last one.
Thanks!
-Ellie Ann

Rather than erase and repost in place, please post the new version in line in the thread. That way we can all follow the progress! Thanks.

Gotcha. Will do that next time!