Nathan Bransford - The Forums

Okay, I went another direction with this and I'm ready to get ripped. Ready... aim... fire.

JUICE: Revolution

Getting everything you want dropped in your lap doesn’t guarantee you’ll survive the impact.

A lonely Doral “Dak” Kent is suddenly befriended by a foreign family. And when its patriarch, Caleb Westland offers unexpected financing, it looks like Dak is getting the big break he needs. But thwarting sexual overtures from Caleb’s niece while trying to win the heart of her best friend only complicate Dak’s attempts to recover some normalcy in his life.

Stunned when his lab tech creates the impossible formula, Dak can only imagine the immense windfall it will generate. Needing help to protect his discovery’s secrecy until he can get patent protection, Dak forms a desperate partnership with Westland and finds himself at odds with strange family quirks. Treacherous leaks within the family trigger gruesome threats from a rival family and it’s not long before a trail of bodies send an overwhelmed Dak tumbling down a slippery slope of terror into the middle of a covert rebellion among factions with inexplicable motives.

Crime families? Vampire families? Aliens? Or, just some weird psycho cult? Subtle, but inconclusive clues about the true nature of the foreigners only serve to escalate the suspense. Unaware that his sleepy little hometown of Murphy NC is about to become the epicenter of a macabre conflict, a close-minded Dak isn’t prepared to deal with forces willing to kill for control of his new Juice. It’s a medical miracle that could save millions of lives. Or, it could ignite bloody hostilities for dominance of the planet.

By the time he learns the family secrets, Dak’s daughter and lover are both gone. Getting them back means giving up Juice forever and taking sides in a battle for control of humanity. This 139,000 word page turner spirals out of control towards a gripping climax with very plausible twists on familiar myths. It’s a quirky suspense thriller laced with humor and propelled by an undertow of romantic entanglements intended for an adult audience with varied tastes.

Attempting to satisfy my aspirations to combine my creative imagination and sense of humor in a manner that will entertain others, I’m hoping you are adventurous enough to represent me in that endeavor. I am prepared to provide a synopsis and/or the completed manuscript for your review.

Where to start...

1. Too long. Think about the back cover of a James Patterson novel. Its short and too the point. Back covers can sell a book in 150 words or less. At least with a query you have a little more leeway, BUT less is more in this instance. Since you're dealing with and adult book, the expectations are different with length.

2. Wanders too much. Do you want this to fight club or along came a spider? I'm not sure. The funny parts I actually liked, but suspense books are only incidentally funny, to break up the tension. That isnt something u'd wanna emphasize in a query.

http://www.writerswrite.com/journal/apr98/keegan7.htm

check out that link...that is probably closer to what an agent would expect in terms of a query for a thriller...be conventional, while emphasizing what makes your book unique. Take your favorite thriller, read the back flap, and model your query on it. Agents have little patience for gimmicks or a query that meanders too much. My first 5 queries were equally suck, and i'm on my umpteenth version, and I'm sure there's still improvements to be made. Keep at it!

Valid points... and I thank you.

Since WRITE2ME offered comments, I have revised this again. So, it's not the actual post he was looking at. What you see above is actually a third version.

Okay... rip me a new one.

Thanks in advance.

I like the hook.

Things fall apart after that...

This is what your query should contain, in my humble opinion (please note that my sentences are merely to outline):

Doral "Dak" Kent has invented a super-juice, which can heal [what?]. [I'm not clear why he can't keep its invention a secret, or what kind of protection buddying up with Westland can give him. But those explanations should go next.]

Rival family tries to kill him and his family. Things get weirder when Doral realizes that they're not human.

[What does he do after that? Tries to find out what they are? Whatever it is he does in the rest of the book needs to go here.]

His daughter and lover [Is his daughter also his lover or does he have a girlfriend and a daughter? And why weren't they mentioned before?] have been kidnapped.

This works: Getting them back means giving up Juice forever and taking sides in a battle for control of humanity.


Other comments below:

This 139,000 word page turner This will probably get you a flat-out rejection. Way too long, especially if this is your first novel.spirals out of control towards a gripping climax with very plausible twists on familiar myths This sets you up for rejection as well. Agents want to read this stuff when they request your manuscript, not hear about it in a query.. It’s a quirky suspense thriller laced with humor and propelled by an undertow of romantic entanglements intended for an adult audience with varied tastes Yeah, yeah. This is not hooking anyone.

Attempting to satisfy my aspirations to combine my creative imagination and sense of humor in a manner that will entertain others, I’m hoping you are adventurous enough to represent me in that endeavor. I am prepared to provide a synopsis and/or the completed manuscript for your review. This is also setting you up for a rejection. All the agent wants to know: WHAT IS YOUR BOOK ABOUT, HOW LONG IS IT, THE TITLE, PUBLISHING CREDITS (IF APPLICABLE), AND IF RELEVANT, WHERE YOU FOUND THEM/HOW YOU HEARD ABOUT THEIR AGENCY

Excellent, my dear. Thanks so much.

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