Nathan Bransford - The Forums

Thanks for those who have given my previous copies a read. I've taken the criticism and tried to construct a new query that tries to eliminate some of the problems of the previous version. I've tried to add in a lot more detail, please let me know if anything isn't necessary to further the story.


Dear Mr./Ms. Agent:


Aaren Danielson is a thirteen-year-old high school freshman dealing with acne breakouts, angry bullies, and impossibly hard math assignments. Those problems seem minor when a family tree project in history class reveals that his life is giant lie. While researching, Aaren stumbles across some information that leads to an explosive confrontation between him and the loving couple who adopted him. They confess that his parents never died in a horrible plane accident, and try to explain the strange events surrounding his mysterious adoption.

After learning that his parents are liars and basically criminals, Aaren’s feelings of anger, disappointment, and distrust transform the model son into a teen-aged rebel. Distancing himself from his close friends and family, he stops attending Taekwondo classes, skips out on basketball practice and begins to party way past his curfew. Aaren’s grades begin to slip as his life turns into chaos and he drowns in depression. Desperate to regain control of his life and his mind, he embarks on a mission to find his biological family, but dangers lurk around every corner. A drifter is tracking his every move, and a powerful but secretive organization, Iron Fist Inc., is sending a team of assassins to hunt him down. Scared, confused, yet vigilant he pushes on. If he can survive long enough to reunite with his parents, the questions surrounding his true identity will finally be answered on his fourteenth birthday, when his eyes will be opened to a secret world of immortals. and a fateful choice to accept the burden of saving mankind, or helping to destroy it.

Sounds like you know what the book is about, but we don't. Take every sentence here and turn it into a specific:

What's the terrible secret?
What does he do to self-destruct?
We know he's trying to find his birth-parents. That's good.
What secret organization? And why are they hunting him? (You may not need to reveal this, but we do need to know what the secret is, which can then be assumed as the reason for the organization's motives.)

hm...thats fair. Is it intriguing enough to care? I think thats the key issue. There's always the balance of how much do you reveal...its like a movie trailer....how much do you need to develop intrigue?

I think you have a great story here. I think if you can tighten up your query a bit some agent somewhere is going to want this.
When I read the query I came away not really knowing who the main character is. I don't really know him at all, only what he does. What's his character like?
I also think there are still too many things that are left unsaid. The agent needs to know what's going on in order to even decide if they want to represent you. Don't hold too much back. Since this is not your first draft, why not err on the side of showing too much and see what everyone thinks? I know it's hard to find that balance, but that's why you're here, right? I hope this was helpful. Best of luck!

thanks for the reply! I definitely see your point. Querying is way harder than writing the actual story. I've gone through different drafts, but its been very difficult to try to balance intrigue with enough details to make it interesting. Hopefully people will keep commenting as i try new approaches.

I completely agree with thewhipslip.

You need to add a lot more detail to grab the agent and make them care. Your story does sound good, but it didn't paint a clear enough picture for me -- probably because you were trying not to give too much away. You should add the details thewhipslip suggested.

if one says it, two is better lol. I will see how people like the new version i'm creating with more detail.