WHAT A PAINE! Take 2

[amyashley]

Second try. Probably won't work on this again for a while because DH has a few days off so I can FINISH the book instead. Besides, although I have gotten some helpful feedback, people who are simply critical put me in a foul temper and it isn't great for writing about a frigging HUMOROUS BOOK. I do appreciate the feedback.


Dear Agent,

All Reece paine wants is to get through the tangle of family calamities and job insanity that threaten to push her shopping habits into overdrive this week. Her employer asks her to detect the culprits of a nearby kidnapping ring, her kids disappear, and her mother-in-law, who she refers to as Satan, shows up for a visit. Like many moms, Reece juggles evacuation duties and vocational duties. Reece just happens to be a vampire.

She doesn’t suck blood or do martial arts tricks. She does work for BOPS, the Bureau of Paranormal Services as a freelance consultant. She investigates the weird stuff they can’t fathom, things they need a trivia buff for. Work brings her into contact with most other paranormals, which are all pretty normal really, just a few genes apart from human with nasty reps. She’ll have to use her wits, humor, and some cookie bribery to get through stripping senior succubbi, a troll sit in, and a brainwashed angel.

Reece and her cohorts uncover some extreme paranormal politics about humanity vs. the rest of the freaks, as she’s trying to get her job done and, humor aside, she’s forced to make a decision about coming out about her spooky status to her MOPS group and her hometown.

My urban fantasy novel, WHAT A PAINE, is approximately 80,000 words and is available upon request.
Sincerely,
Amy Ashley

[Leonidas]

Dear Agent,

All Reece Paine wants is to get through the tangle of family calamities Like what and job insanity Are the family calamities and insanity at her job connected? Since I'm assuming they are based on the rest of your query, you should establish this here instead of in the next sentence. You can immeaditely get us to feel for your character by stating right away that her kids have been kidnapped after she was put in charge of investigating a kidnapping ring. that threaten to push her shopping habits into overdrive this week. Her employer asks her to detect the culprits of a nearby kidnapping ring, her kids disappear, and her mother-in-law, whom she refers to as Satan, shows up for a visit. Like many moms, Reece juggles evacuation duties and vocational duties. You don't need both 'duties', just have the one at the end to make your query read more smoothly

Reece just happens to be a vampire.

She doesn’t suck blood or do martial arts tricks ...what? Is this some reference to Twilight that I'm not aware of, since I haven't read the second and third books? This doesn't make sense at all and the sentence would read better without 'tricks'.. She does work for BOPS, the Bureau of Paranormal Services as a freelance consultant. She investigates the weird stuff they can’t fathom, things they need a trivia buff for. Trivia bluff? That doesn't make sense either. Did you mean trivial? Work brings her into contact with most other paranormals, which are all pretty normal really, just a few genes apart from human with bad reps. Rewrite this sentence She’ll have has. You want to use the present tense to give your query more immediacy. to use her wits, humor, and cookie bribery to get through stripping senior succubbi, a troll sit in, and a brainwashed angel.

Reece and her cohorts uncover some extreme paranormal politics about humanity vs. the rest of the freak s ...the paranormal? as she’s trying to get her job done and, humor aside, she’s forced to make a decision about coming out about her spooky status to her MOPS group and her hometown.

My urban fantasy novel, WHAT A PAINE, is approximately 80,000 words and is available upon request.
Sincerely,
Amy Ashley
One more thing: I'm not sure about the juxstaposition of a kidnapping ring/her kids being kidnapped, in a humor novel. You also say that your novel is urban fantasy above, which makes sense given the query, but it doesn't seem like a very funny premise. When you add in the crazy paranormals, it makes me wonder what's the real focus of this novel: the kidnapping or the paranormal aspects.

From reading your query, I think that your manuscript needs work. The writing here isn't polished enough to really call great attention to your manuscript and get the agents you query pounding on their keyboards with interested responses. Right now, the vampire angle is very worn-out and I think it's nearly impossible to sell a vampire novel, because they're the newest (and outgoing) fad. Agents aren't looking for things that have been done before; they're looking for something new that will shock everyone who reads it.

Take a finetoothed comb to your manuscript a few more times and you might have something here that will attract an agent. Good luck!

[Andrewauthor]

Let me begin by saying: I would read this.

The first thing I see is that you establish a very interesting world in your query. But I'm not sure what the primary conflict of the story is, if there is one. Is it the kidnapped people? or her kids disappearing? or her devil mother in law? I don't fault you for having subplots, I'm just not sure which is the primary thread, if there is one. Frankly, the way you put her kids disappearing BETWEEN a kidnapping ring and devil-in-law makes it seem like just a minor subplot. It seems you should put that at the end of the sentence, like "she juggles job, random life stuff, and her frigging KIDS have disappeared. Kind of punctuates it a little better.

A question arises for me, reading this. If she doesn't suck blood, and she doesn't do martial arts (I agree with a previous comment that I don't think of 'martial arts' when I think 'vampire'. Maybe you could say she doesn't turn into a bat, unless she can. Find something more vampire-ee), what makes her a vampire? She can't go out in the sunlight, or she has long incisors? (Are her kids vampires? These are questions that the query raises that you don't have to answer... they just make me want to read it more to find out)

Unlike previous comment, I understand the term "trivia buff" and what you mean. You mean someone with more unique insight into the paranormal. Maybe you could rephrase that for people like the previous commentator who didn't understand? Maybe rephrase it as "paranormal trivia buff".

I may need to reread it, but what's MOPS vs BOPS?

Finally: Most of my comments are minor. My primary concern is that I can't tell what the MAIN conflict is.

I would still read this. Good luck!

[amyashley]

Andrewauthor, thank you.

MOPS= Mothers of Preschoolers Most of my target market would recognize this term

BOPS= made up name in book meant to sound horrible and made fun of people who work there are referred to as BOPpers

will change the martial arts thing as it makes more sense. make edits later.

Leonidas, her children are not truly kidnapped, she just thinks they are because she is asked to investigate a kidnapping ring and they disappear less than 24 hours later. The kidnapping angle ends up being very humorous in every aspect, I assure you. Also, as far as polished writing goes, If I made it perfectly polished in every way it wouldn't be funny at all unless it was British. Please refrain from giving input on my manuscript unless you have actually READ the manuscript.

The main concept is Reece trying to get through a difficult week riddled with a million chaotic things, just like any normal mom. It's a sort of spoof on that. Although the quest for the kidnappers is a thread throughout, it is a weak one. There are also some major underlying themes touched on in the final paragraph. I'll edit tomorrow if I can.