Ok, I'm giving it a go. I feel a little *safer* here than out in the open on the blog. I'm weird.Nathan Bransford wrote:
A white Transit van pulls into a long straight road by the town park, slows for the speed bumps, then indicates right. Pulls into a small car park in front of the two-story honeystone building that is Oakham Police Station. The sentence fragment threw me off.
For a minute, no one gets out. No hyphen.
Rain falls on the van’s windscreen. Andy Webb sits in the driver’s seat, one hand still on the wheel, the other holding a phone to his right ear. An exhausted man in his late thirties, he’s staring fixedly ahead. Doesn't read right and info dumpy - show me. He’s listening. I'm a little confused here and had to read it twice - I couldn't tell if Andy is in the white van or in something else because in my head, I'm an outsider to the van and then am thrust inside of it with Andy - I'd pick a perspective with the opening and stick with it. Start with what Andy is doing as opposed to the can as an separate object.
From the passenger seat, Jean Webb looks out at the grey morning. Across the road, towards the park bandstand, at the green swathes of grass falling away to the children’s swing and the play area. Again, sentence fragments not flowing well for me. In the background, the huge church spire reaches to the sky. Leopard gargoyles strain high up on leashes, stone eyes blinded.
Her son, on the phone, is doing some kind of deal on a set of second hand radiators. Even now, in the car park of the bloody police station – even under these circumstances - he can’t let the job go. Although there’s no enthusiasm in his voice, even today he’s promising to drive up to Melton to pick up parts for plumbing.
Andy, aware of his mother’s disapproval, agrees to pay over the odds for the gear, and cuts the call. He throws the phone onto the van’s dashboard, it disappears into a mess of paperwork and empty takeaway wrappers. Closes his eyes, rubs them.
Anyway, thanks for being brave and putting yours up for crits! Over all, I feel I stumbled over the description and couldn't connect with the characters. I'd rather you give me more of the emotion of the moment and characters as opposed to the external stimuli. If that makes sense. Anyway, hope that helps some! :-)