Nathan Bransford - The Forums

deleted

Is this your first chapter?

This is a bit long for a line by line critique, so I'm just going to point out a few things that struck me.

I'm not in this scene at all. I've been to a few shows (granted, not in 1976) and the atmosphere is totally breathtaking. Even if it's wet and muddy, I should at least be feeling that disgusting mess with your narrator...but instead I'm just reading about it. In short, you're telling instead of showing. It's like your friend is telling you about a show they didn't like that you wish you could've been able to go to. It doesn't do the scene justice.

I also found it weird they so easily found their way up close to the front. If it was as packed as he says, it's seriously hard to squeeze between people to get to where you want unless you're really rude (and he dosen't seem the type) or if you're there really early (doesn't seem like he did). It just seems like a bit of inconsistency from it being packed like sardines and them being able to navigate through to a decent spot. Granted, it can be done (if you're determined or if you're really good at persuasion).

You introduced the hippies as people who'd been attempting to pick them up before--but we never saw any of that. It came from nowhere. It seems like a silly plot device and it doesn't work very well.

I do hear a bit of voice in here and that's really good. It seems interesting :) Good luck.

You definitely have voice, and that's one thing that's hard to study, so you're ahead of the writing game.

I agree with the above poster that this is too long for a line-by-line critique. I'd echo the question about whether this is the beginning of a novel. In its present form, it reads like a very short story because it basically describes an anecdote. I thought things were going to get magical when the kid suddenly revives from being unconscious, but no explanation followed this revival.

You need to hook the reader as quickly as possible and make it as clear as you can what kind of story they're reading. A Jefferson Starship concert in Central Park isn't a bad place to begin, but the story needs to develop with speed. Someone else may know what attention spans are like in these days, but count on them being short.

I'd be interested to see where this goes.