Nathan Bransford - The Forums

I would love to hear your opinion of the prologue of the first book I am writing. It is an adventure/mystery book, mainly for females in the age 16 +.

Be honest, I can take it! =)

Prologue

I was sure my spine was going to break this time – such as barb wire wrapped around my stomach being pulled by horses on each side, forcing me to hold my breath. I didn’t dare to move, for fear of making it worse - I only kept very still until the bulldozing pain had passed. IT was centered like a ring around my stomach and back, and then I could feel how it rolled down like waves through my thighs towards my toes. “Just go with it Cerin, breathe” Ma said. But knowing I had hours of this ahead of me, didn’t encourage me to go with the flow.

The labour was rolling in to its fifteenth hour, and now there was no turning back. I am Cerin, I think. Somehow I felt a connection to that name. And I may be 16, or so they say I am. Derrick was holding my hand, doing as much as he could there and then. He’s not the father by the way – he’s a great guy, but not the dad. The door to my delivery room opened and Steven entered. He was rushing to me with a glass of ice cubes, but suddenly they didn’t seem appealing to me anymore. Unfortunately he’s not the father either.

I don’t know who I am, you’ve probably guessed that already. I have some clues: I speak English, so I could be from Great Britain, or so we have always thought. Until:

”Se og få denne forbanna ungen ut av meg nå!”

For a brief second the room went silent and everyone exchanged glances. Derrick leaned over to Steven and carefully asked him: “Did you know what language that was?”, whereas Steven replied “I have no idea!”

And that’s how my story starts.

ninafromnorway wrote:Prologue

I was sure my spine was going to break this time – such as barb wire wrapped around my stomach being pulled by horses on each side, forcing me to hold my breath. Everything after the long dash felt a little awkward to me. Also, the "such as" seems to suggest this is a simile and isn't really happening, but the amount of detail seems to suggest it is. I didn’t dare to move, for fear of making it worse - I only kept very still until the bulldozing pain had passed. As much as I like long dashes, two of them in as many sentences is a little much. IT (Not sure why this is in all caps) was centered like a ring around my stomach and back, and then I could feel how it rolled down like waves through my thighs towards my toes squeezed me around the middle, then rolled like waves through my thighs and down toward my toes.

“Just go with it, Cerin,. Breathe,” Ma said.

But knowing I had hours of this ahead of me, didn’t encourage me to go with the flow. I think you can do better than this cliche.

The labour was rolling into its fifteenth hour (You just used "rolled" to describe the pain, so I'm not sure you want to repeat that word here), and now there was no turning back. Again, I'm not wild about the cliche. Also, it doesn't make a lot of sense. The way you've written this, it sounds like she can't turn back now that it's the fifteenth hour, as if she could have turned back at any point during the previous fourteen. I am Cerin (You might italicize this), I think. Somehow I felt a connection to that name. And I may be 16, or so they say I am. This detail doesn't seem to fit in this paragraph. Derrick was holding my hand, doing as much as he could there and then. He’s not the father by the way – he’s a great guy, but not the dad. The door to my delivery room opened and Steven entered. He was rushing to me with a glass of ice cubes, but suddenly they didn’t seem appealing to me anymore. Unfortunately he’s not the father either. There's an abrupt shift in this paragraph from her internal exposition to her description of who else is in the room. You might break this into two paragraphs, one for the exposition and one for Derrick and Steven.

I don’t know who I am, you’ve probably guessed that already. I have some clues: I speak English, so I could be from Great Britain, or so we have always thought. Until:

”Se og få denne forbanna ungen ut av meg nå!” This is strange. She's talking to the reader, giving us these clues, and then all of a sudden, one of the clues is something that seems to happen right then. I guess I don't like the lead-up. Why not just stay in the present moment instead of stepping outside of it?

For a brief second The room went silent, and everyone exchanged glances. Derrick leaned over to Steven and carefully asked him:, “Did you know what language that was?”

Steven replied, “I have no idea!”

And that’s how my story starts. Is this part of the excerpt? It's tough to tell, since you're writing in first person:)

It's a good starting point, and I really liked the intrigue you raised by having both of these potential fathers in the room and then telling us the father isn't either of them.

You just need to tighten, tighten, tighten. We don't need so many similes in the first paragraph; in fact, you might just start with that hook of Derrick and Steven and how neither of them is the daddy.

Good luck!

Thanks a load for your advice. I'm just about to get my children up for kindergarten, before I'm off to work. So I'll have to give you a more thorough reply tonight.


Nina

Krista G did a great job. I just want to add in that I think agents don't particularly enjoy the prologue being included into excerpts because they generally don't say anything about the story. For instance, Nathan here doesn't want you to post the first 250 pages of your prologue for critique in the forum (for what used to be critique Monday but is now critique Friday), but your first chapter :) Just a heads up!

Otherwise, if you're just looking for feedback on this part despite that, here's my contribution:

I was sure my spine was going to break this time – such as barb wire wrapped around my stomach being pulled by horses on each side, forcing me to hold my breath I don’t really see how this image corresponds with breaking her spine, as much as the wires cutting through her skin to her spine.. I didn’t dare to move, for fear of making it worse - I only kept very still until the bulldozing pain had passed. IT was centered like a ring around my stomach and back I like the use of ring here but I also picture rings to be thing and if it was around her stomach and back it wouldn’t be very thin, and then I could feel how it rolled down like waves through my thighs towards my toes.

“Just go with it Cerin,. Bbreathe,” Ma said. (Paragraph break here)

But knowing I knew I had hours of this ahead of me, and that thought didn’t encourage me to go with the flow. Contrary to Krista, I realize that this kind of references what Ma said—that she can’t just ‘go with it’ because there was so much more time left. The labour was rollinggoing in to its fifteenth hour, and now I’d say there was no turning back awhile ago there was no turning back. (Paragraph break here)

Derrick was holding my hand, doing as much as he could there and then What does this mean? What can he do?. He’s not the father by the way – he’s a great guy, but not the dad. This is present tense? Are you trying to mix in present and past tense? If no, then this sentence needs to be past tense, too. The door to my delivery room opened and Steven entered. He was rushing to me with a glass of ice cubes, but suddenly they didn’t seem appealing to me anymore. Unfortunately he’s not the father either. Wasn’t here instead of isn't?

(I moved this paragraph here because it follows with the paragraph after it.) I am Cerin, I think. Somehow I felt a connection to that name. And I may be 16, or so they say I am. This doesn’t really follow from the first sentences. You also slipped into present tense in that first sentence, which is why I recommended the change. I also think this fits better with the following piece in the same paragraph. I don’t know who I am, but you’ve probably guessed that already Very weird to talk to the audience unless it's a self-help book. I have some clues: Speaking English is just one clue, not some clues? I speak English, so I could be from Great Britain, or so we have always thought. Until:

”Se og få denne forbanna ungen ut av meg nå!” Did she say this? It’s not clear.

For a brief second the room went silent and everyone exchanged glances. Derrick leaned over to Steven and carefully asked him:, “Did you know what language that was?”, whereas(Paragraph break here)

Steven replied, “I have no idea!”

And that’s how my story starts.

Are you writing this in present or past tense?

D.S. Deshaw wrote:Krista G did a great job. I just want to add in that I think agents don't particularly enjoy the prologue being included into excerpts because they generally don't say anything about the story. For instance, Nathan here doesn't want you to post the first 250 pages of your prologue for critique in the forum (for what used to be critique Monday but is now critique Friday), but your first chapter :) Just a heads up!

Where does he say this?? In the opening post simply says first page.

I do know he expects the prologue to be there, if there is one, in the first five pages you attach to a query to him. He has explicitly stated this in his Q & A thread.

Quill wrote:

D.S. Deshaw wrote:Krista G did a great job. I just want to add in that I think agents don't particularly enjoy the prologue being included into excerpts because they generally don't say anything about the story. For instance, Nathan here doesn't want you to post the first 250 pages of your prologue for critique in the forum (for what used to be critique Monday but is now critique Friday), but your first chapter :) Just a heads up!

Where does he say this?? In the opening post simply says first page.

I do know he expects the prologue to be there, if there is one, in the first five pages you attach to a query to him. He has explicitly stated this in his Q & A thread.

His thoughts on prologues are here. I'm not going to search up and down the site to see whether or not I misquoted Mr. Bransford on if the first 250 words (pardon me, I mistyped 'pages' on the post you quoted) for critique should be the prologue or the actual first chapter. Correct me if I'm wrong in thinking that the first page should probably be the first chapter, as it tells you more about the story as a whole than the prologue might...

I also think I might've been unclear in my earlier post. I don't think I would have a prologue unless it was very important to set up the story because the action should begin in chapter one. Nathan says it well, if it frames your story then it should be there; if you take it out and it doesn't change a thing, it's probably not needed. In this respect, I think when he reads your query or your partial he has faith that you are sending him your best version--and if that includes a prologue then he might believe you've already made the executive decision that it is important.

My intention to bring up the prologue thing was that it might be more efficient for her to get her first chapter here and, better yet, make her think twice about her prologue. She can ask herself whether or not it's truly needed. All writers should ask themselves if a chapter or a scene is needed, right?

Sorry if I came across wrong!

To Krista G:
Thanks again for your feedback.
First of all, the such as:
My uncle is an English teacher, so when I showed him the original writing that said: “as if a barb wire was wrapped around my stomach being pulled by horses on each side”, he wanted me to change it to “such as”. At the moment I don’t remember the reason at this moment though.

In what way did the part after the first dash feel a little awkward? Was it funny grammar, or was it the fact that the thought of it made you feel uneasy?

The second dash will be removed instantly!

“The labour had entered its fifteenth hour, and when the pain peeked I wished I could turn back and reverse everything”

I tried to look up the word “italicize”, but the closest I got was “emphasize”, and so I wonder how I can emphasize it more? Do you mean more like:
“I am Cerin, I think. After the amnesia I couldn’t even remember what a chair was, let alone my name”

The part where she talks a foreign language is the part where we’ll catch up to in the book. It’s at that moment in the book where I will change it from past to present.


“And that’s how my story starts” is also a part of the excerpt.

When comes to the similies I am a very metaphoric person, but I will look into it. Maybe I can get some other changes in there.


To D.S Deshaw:
You’re right! When I gave birth to my first child, my contractions lasted for about 7 – 10 minutes each, the longest one went on for 20 minutes. Although it never felt like my spine was breaking, it still paralyzed me. But how do you explain that, without using the word pain? The alternative would then be:
“The pain shot through my back, paralyzing my legs forcing an agonizing scream to escape my lips”

Yes, what can Derrick do? Rub the back, take the pain away, get some sort of craving… or just be there.
“Derrick was holding my hand, and even though it didn’t take the pain away, it still helped to know I wasn’t alone.”

I’m going to have to look more into the present/past tense thing. This is a turning point in the book which I explained earlier to Krista, where the book turns in to present day.

“Talking to the audience” Never really thought about it, but when you mention it, it does sound strange.

“…from Great Britain, or so we have always thought. But when the worst contraction so far tightened the wire around my stomach, words I couldn’t recognize escaped from my mouth:

”Se og få denne forbanna ungen ut av meg nå!”

“My intention to bring up the prologue thing was that it might be more efficient for her to get her first chapter here and, better yet, make her think twice about her prologue. She can ask herself whether or not it's truly needed. All writers should ask themselves if a chapter or a scene is needed, right?”

I’ve tried writing this novel several times, but mostly I’ve never made it further than the second chapter before I gave up; I just never got the beginning right. Then last year this part just hit me and I wrote it down. After that the words came flowing.

But when you mention it: No, I don’t need the prologue. I’ve never even considered dropping it, and when it is as confusing as it is, it might be better to just let it go?

I’ll have to give it a go and see how it feels like! And in the meanwhile I’ll post the first chapter and see how the response is.


Thanks for all your feedback. It’s much appreciated and you have pointed out things I never thought of.

First I want to let you know I am not a published author, so I am giving my opinion as a reader. I think your story is intriguing. I also like the odd language your character spoke toward the end, nice touch.


I was sure my spine was going to break this time. I would remove this time. such as barb wire wrapped around my stomach being pulled by horses on each side, forcing me to hold my breath. This seems awkward to me I didn’t dare to move, for fear of making it worse - I ( remove only) kept very still until the bulldozing pain had passed. IT (Why capital?) was centered like a ring around my stomach and back, and then I could feel how it rolled,( maybe just use rolling) down like waves through my thighs towards my toes. “Just go with it Cerin, breathe” Ma said. But knowing I had hours of this ahead of me, didn’t encourage me to go with the flow. Awkward. How did she know she had hours?

The labour was rolling in to its fifteenth hour,/ maybe I'd been in labor for fifteen hours [/color]and now there was no turning back. I am / My name is Cerin, I think. Somehow, I felt a connection to that name. And I may be 16, or so they say I am. Derrick was holding my hand, doing as much as he could ( I would remove there and then)]He’s not the father by the way – he’s a great guy, but not the dad. The door to my delivery room opened and Steven entered. He was rushing to me with a glass of ice cubes, but (suddenlyI would remove ) they didn’t seem appealing to me anymore. Unfortunately he’s not the father either. (I like the sentences about the dads.)

I don’t know who I am, you’ve probably guessed that already. I have some clues: I speak English, so I could be from Great Britain, or so we have always thought. Until:

”Se og få denne forbanna ungen ut av meg nå!”

For a brief second the room went silent and everyone exchanged glances. Derrick leaned over to Steven and carefully asked him: “Did you know what language that was?”, whereas Steven replied “I have no idea!”

And that’s how my story starts.
When life gives you lemons, make lemonade. I'm not sure I like this as a closing line. She appears to have much worse than. lemons in her life

ninafromnorway wrote:I tried to look up the word “italicize”, but the closest I got was “emphasize”, and so I wonder how I can emphasize it more? Do you mean more like:
“I am Cerin, I think. After the amnesia I couldn’t even remember what a chair was, let alone my name”

You know that little "i" above the text box when you're writing a forum post? That's the italics button. (Word processors have one, too.) It makes the words slanty, and it's often used to denote a character's internal thoughts.

Good luck, Nina!

Krista G. wrote:

ninafromnorway wrote:I tried to look up the word “italicize”, but the closest I got was “emphasize”, and so I wonder how I can emphasize it more? Do you mean more like:
“I am Cerin, I think. After the amnesia I couldn’t even remember what a chair was, let alone my name”

You know that little "i" above the text box when you're writing a forum post? That's the italics button. (Word processors have one, too.) It makes the words slanty, and it's often used to denote a character's internal thoughts.

Good luck, Nina!

ahaaa! *lightbulb* lol. Thanks!

SSB wrote:First I want to let you know I am not a published author, so I am giving my opinion as a reader. I think your story is intriguing. I also like the odd language your character spoke toward the end, nice touch.


I was sure my spine was going to break this time. I would remove this time. such as barb wire wrapped around my stomach being pulled by horses on each side, forcing me to hold my breath. This seems awkward to me I didn’t dare to move, for fear of making it worse - I ( remove only) kept very still until the bulldozing pain had passed. IT (Why capital?) was centered like a ring around my stomach and back, and then I could feel how it rolled,( maybe just use rolling) down like waves through my thighs towards my toes. “Just go with it Cerin, breathe” Ma said. But knowing I had hours of this ahead of me, didn’t encourage me to go with the flow. Awkward. How did she know she had hours?

The labour was rolling in to its fifteenth hour,/ maybe I'd been in labor for fifteen hours [/color]and now there was no turning back. I am / My name is Cerin, I think. Somehow, I felt a connection to that name. And I may be 16, or so they say I am. Derrick was holding my hand, doing as much as he could ( I would remove there and then)]He’s not the father by the way – he’s a great guy, but not the dad. The door to my delivery room opened and Steven entered. He was rushing to me with a glass of ice cubes, but (suddenlyI would remove ) they didn’t seem appealing to me anymore. Unfortunately he’s not the father either. (I like the sentences about the dads.)

I don’t know who I am, you’ve probably guessed that already. I have some clues: I speak English, so I could be from Great Britain, or so we have always thought. Until:

”Se og få denne forbanna ungen ut av meg nå!”

For a brief second the room went silent and everyone exchanged glances. Derrick leaned over to Steven and carefully asked him: “Did you know what language that was?”, whereas Steven replied “I have no idea!”

And that’s how my story starts.
When life gives you lemons, make lemonade. I'm not sure I like this as a closing line. She appears to have much worse than. lemons in her life

First I have to comment the lemons bit: It's mi signature and my way of life (I am told I am a very positive person).

Thanks a bunch for your feedback! Very kind of you =)