Nathan Bransford - The Forums

Below is my query. If you take the time to review it, please direct me to your own query / excerpt / synopsis, as it's kind of hard to tell which ones are still in want of peer review and I would love to reciprocate on those (I want to be a good citizen, as Nathan says!) Or just PM me if you're looking for a new beta reader!

Dear Mr. or Mrs.

[Personalized reason for querying]

As the aspiring Chief Creative Officer of Pixar, sixth-grader Geneveive Reyes devotes her time to drawing storyboards, writing scripts, and her biggest project of all, educating her younger brother. Beset with an unknown developmental disability, he cannot speak, read, or write, yet Genevieve remains committed to teaching because she needs a production assistant. When Genevieve’s parents catch her tutoring him well past bedtime on a school night, they attribute the disobedience to an over-active imagination. Her Mom and Dad thus confiscate Genevieve’s computer, repossess her small library, and lock up every pen and pencil in the house. Bereft of an artistic outlet, Genevieve resolves to focus even more on the professional development of her brother. The core team at Pixar, after all, had to improve their fluency in computer animation to progress from commercials and shorts to the art of films. To summon the same exponential learning in her brother, Geneveive pockets a dozen brochures at his pediatrician’s office, determined to discover what condition he has, so she can devise a curriculum that finally works. Intent on using the process of elimination, she starts to test her brother for various afflictions—ADHD, autism, bipolar disorder, and so on—in ways as imaginative as her scripts and storyboards.

THE BRIGHTEST CRAYON IN THE BOX is a 50,000 word multimedia novel that incorporates in the text an array of charts, clipart, doodles, drawings, diagrams, and found images. The visual aesthetic leans toward black and white minimalist, though color is occasionally used for startling effect. This novel will thus appeal to fans of Mark Haddon’s The Curious Incident of the Dog in the Night-Time, Jonathan Safran Foer’s Extremely Loud and Incredibly Close, and Reif Larsen’s The Selected Works of T.S. Spivet.

I graduated from University X with a degree in history, and this novel is my master’s thesis at the University of Y. Two excerpts from it have been published at Magazine X (Affiliated University) and Magazine Y (Affiliated University).THE BRIGHTEST CRAYON IN THE BOX is complete and available for your review in its entirety.
Thank you for your time, and I look forward to hearing from you.

Sincerely,
Multimedia

Street Address
Telephone Number

Multimedia wrote:
Dear Mr. or Mrs.

[Personalized reason for querying]

As the aspiring Chief Creative Officer of Pixar, sixth-grader Geneveive Reyes devotes her time to drawing storyboards, writing scripts, and her biggest project of all, educating her younger brother. Beset with an unknown developmental disability, he cannot speak, read, or write, yet Genevieve remains committed to teaching because she needs a production assistant. When Genevieve’s parents catch her tutoring him well past bedtime on a school night, they attribute the disobedience to an over-active imagination. Her Mom and Dad thus confiscate Genevieve’s computer, repossess her small library, and lock up every pen and pencil in the house. Really? This seems kind of extreme just because the kids stayed up late one night. Bereft of an artistic outlet, Genevieve resolves to focus even more on the professional development of her brother. The core team at Pixar, after all, had to improve their fluency in computer animation to progress from commercials and shorts to the art of films. To summon the same exponential learning in her brother, Geneveive pockets a dozen brochures at his pediatrician’s office, determined to discover what condition he has, so she can devise a curriculum that finally works. If the answer can be found in a pamphlet, wouldn't her brother already have been diagnosed by the pediatrician? It seems unlikely that her parents wouldn't try to find out what was wrong with him. Intent on using the process of elimination, she starts to test her brother for various afflictions—ADHD, autism, bipolar disorder, and so on—in ways as imaginative as her scripts and storyboards. What are the imaginative ways she tests for the afflictions? Be specific.

THE BRIGHTEST CRAYON IN THE BOX is a 50,000 word multimedia novel that incorporates in the text an array of charts, clipart, doodles, drawings, diagrams, and found images. I could be off base, but my understanding is that, generally, agents do not want illustrations submitted with your novel. You might want to ask around if agents would even consider the idea of a multimedia novel. The visual aesthetic leans toward black and white minimalist, though color is occasionally used for startling effect. This novel will thus appeal to fans of Mark Haddon’s The Curious Incident of the Dog in the Night-Time, Jonathan Safran Foer’s Extremely Loud and Incredibly Close, and Reif Larsen’s The Selected Works of T.S. Spivet.

I graduated from University X with a degree in history, and this novel is my master’s thesis at the University of Y. Two excerpts from it have been published at Magazine X (Affiliated University) and Magazine Y (Affiliated University). Would this cause a problem with publishing rights? THE BRIGHTEST CRAYON IN THE BOX is complete and available for your review in its entirety.

Thank you for your time, and I look forward to hearing from you.

Sincerely,
Multimedia

Street Address
Telephone Number

Interesting idea, but the overall tone sounds clinical and not very youthful. A lot of the word choices don't feel very childish. I would try to make the query more playful and fun.

I agree with Wilderness on this one. I don't feel the voice of your main character in this. Try to write the query from her perspective.