Query: Heaven - Rev. 1

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commando8
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Query: Heaven - Rev. 1

Post by commando8 » August 19th, 2010, 10:25 am

I've been urged to post a query for one of my novels here numerous times, but I've always resisted - just that stupid pride that I could do it myself I guess. The truth is that I need some serious help with my query writing skills. Various revisions of the query below have been sent to around 40 agents, and I've piled up around 30 rejections and 1 partial. Needless to say, those are not enviable statistics!!

Anyway, here it is:

Dear Agent,

I am seeking representation for my science fiction novel of approximately 100,000 words, titled Heaven. I thought that you might be a good agent for this project based on (whatever).

Early in the 22nd century, Earth has been destroyed by the Alien Hordes, and humankind stands on the brink of extinction. Those that remain reside in Heaven, a city protected from all wavelengths of radiation by an advanced amalgamation of Metamaterials and Hyperlenses. When an accident occurs that leaves Heaven exposed, however, Jon Roland, Lord Prime of the Last Resistance, becomes fearful that humankind will soon meet its end.

Throwing off all loyalties and defying every law that makes Heaven what it is, Jon moves to inspect the biotechnological creations that have been built up over centuries to defend Heaven from attack. As expected, the alien assault comes quickly, and the awe-inspiring defenders crush the breach, pressing the aliens back beyond Jon's wildest expectations.

But the attack has other consequences as well, ones that Jon can't begin to imagine. Deep within Heaven, insinuating seeds of treachery are suddenly loosed, and more alien attacks rain down on the city and the people inside. Tirelessly, Jon continues to investigate, throwing aside love and nearly his life before he realizes what the attacks really are and who is instigating them. Digging deeper, he becomes trapped in a game of deep-seated lies with a powerful member of the Resistance named Marcus Slade, one that extends as far back as Heaven itself. The city isn't really what it seems, he discovers, and neither are the people or the aliens. Before the city can be crushed by the Volkrons, the most powerful aliens that exist, Jon realizes that he must use the truth to destroy Slade and stop the attack, or lose Heaven and those that he loves forever.

A full, completed manuscript of the novel is available upon request. If you are interested in reading it, please don't hesitate to contact me at the number, address, or e-mail below.

Thank you very much for your time and consideration of this query. I genuinely appreciate it.
Last edited by commando8 on August 22nd, 2010, 5:16 pm, edited 1 time in total.

Preacher
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Re: Query: Heaven

Post by Preacher » August 19th, 2010, 10:42 am

Hey, there. I am not great at this. In fact, i am not even sure if i am any darn good; i am struggling at this query thing like many of others but i will give a try at citing some of the things i learned so far.

The first thing i learned is that the info that you gave in the very first paragraph isnt all needed. The letter itself is notice you are seeking representation and the genre and word count can be included in the end, after you have given the hook for your story. Remember, space is limited and agents are an odd sort. They see letters all day and are looking to get hooked right away. So, wow them off the bat and hit them with the word count later on.

Seems to me there is too much detail here. I am a detail person but agents aren't. Well, not until they request a partial or whatever. They want to know what your book is about. They want to know who the main character is. They want to know the problem or choice that he faces and they want to know what the results will be is the main character doesn't solve the problem or what happens based on the choice that he makes. That's all. They want those things and basically nothing else.

I think, as i know i would, you would benefit by taking a look at these questions and trying to use them as the framework for building a query. I think the stuff is in there and all you need to do is find the right mix and throw it all together.

commando8
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Re: Query: Heaven

Post by commando8 » August 19th, 2010, 11:39 am

Points well taken. Thanks.

Just as a reference, this is methodology I believe I am basing my query on:

http://arcaedia.livejournal.com/213850.html

Some might recognize the agent...

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cheekychook
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Re: Query: Heaven

Post by cheekychook » August 19th, 2010, 12:26 pm

I have absolutely no expertise to offer you, but I've done an extensive amount of query research and have learned a lot of things. The first thing to keep in mind is that agents all have slightly different preferences for query style---some want bio info about you regardless of whether or not it relates to writing (they want a feel for who they may be working with if they continue with you), others don't want bio mentioned unless it pertains to writing (this early on they couldn't care less about your personal details unless it directly impacts the book you're querying)---ie; personal agent preference. Likewise, some want a more detailed plot summary, others want a few concise sentences---just enough to see if the novel/concept sound interesting and help them decide if they want to read further or not---again, personal preference. Some agents give detailed specifics of what they want to see in a query---they will specify they want one paragraph about the themes/messages of the books, one paragraph that conveys the plots/characters/conflicts/moods of the story, one paragraph with comparisons to other similar books or a listing of who this book might appeal to....the list goes on----other agents HATE the majority of those things and think they have no place in a query. You need to make sure that you know the preferences of the agents you are choosing to query. The things all agents seem to agree on are length of the query (ideally between 250-350 words----equivalent to no more than one page of typing). They want to hear enough of a description of the book that they know a) whether or not there's a story there, b)whether or not it sounds too familiar and c) whether or not it sounds like something they'd like to read/potentially rep.

Your query letter is in decent shape, it conveys plot and character, has a distinct tone, and is informative---my guess is that it's primarily too long and it has some repetition in it, plus a few items that MOST agents prefer to see elsewhere (though I realize the "how-to" list you based the query style on indicates you should do it the way you did---that's why I said individual agent preferences need to be examined, because a lot of them don't seem to agree with the one you used as the basis for your query structure.) Your query is currently over 460 words, so I'd work on getting that down by a bit. Good luck with revisions!
commando8 wrote:I've been urged to post a query for one of my novels here numerous times, but I've always resisted - just that stupid pride that I could do it myself I guess. The truth is that I need some serious help with my query writing skills. Various revisions of the query below have been sent to around 40 agents, and I've piled up around 30 rejections and 1 partial. Needless to say, those are not enviable statistics!!

Anyway, here it is:

Dear Agent,

I am seeking representation (some agents want this stated, others feel it's implied by the fact that you're querying)for my science fiction novel of approximately (word count is expected to be rounded to the nearest thousand, so you don't need the approximately, it's implied)100,000 words, titled (you don't need to say the word "titled", just give the title) Heaven (the title should be in ALL CAPS the first time it is mentioned.). I thought that you might be a good agent for this project based on (whatever).(again, some like this blurb at the beginning, others prefer it at the end and want to start off with hearing your plot---check to see if the agent specifies a strong preference)

Early in the 22nd century, Earth has been destroyed by the Alien Hordes, and humankind stands on the brink of extinction. Those that remain reside in Heaven, a city protected from all wavelengths of radiation by an advanced amalgamation of Metamaterials and Hyperlenses. When an accident occurs that leaves Heaven exposed, however, Jon Roland, Lord Prime of the Last Resistance, becomes fearful that humankind will soon meet its end.

Throwing off all loyalties and defying every law that makes Heaven what it is, Jon moves to inspect the biotechnological creations that have been built up over centuries to defend Heaven from attack. As expected, the alien assault comes quickly, and the awe-inspiring defenders crush the breach, pressing the aliens back beyond Jon's wildest expectations. (I will defer to the many board members who are avid readers in this genre for comments on the first few paragraphs---they seem pretty concise, but since your word count is high you can still look for ways to tighten them.)

But the attack has other consequences as well, ones that Jon can't begin to imagine. Deep within Heaven, insinuating seeds of treachery are suddenly loosed,(much more flowery prose than the earlier part, starts to get distracting and confusing---no longer clear what you mean) and more alien attacks rain down on the city and the people inside (getting wordy). Tirelessly, there's always debate over adverbs---use them only when necessaryJon continues to investigate, throwing aside love and nearly his life before he realizes what the attacks really are and who is instigating them. Digging deeper, he becomes trapped in a game of deep-seated lies with a powerful member of the Resistance named Marcus Slade, one that extends as far back as Heaven itself.(previous sentence is very long and somewhat confusing...what extends back as far as Heaven itself? the game? Marcus Slade's rule?) The city isn't really what it seems (not sure what it seemed or what it really is), he discovers, and neither are the people or the aliens. Before the city can be crushed by the Volkrons (who are the Volkrons?---I know you tell us in the next few words, but I paused when reading and looked back through the beginning of the query thinking I'd forgotten a previous mention of them), the most powerful aliens that exist, Jon realizes that he must use the truth to destroy Slade and stop the attack, or lose Heaven and those that he loves forever.

A full, completed (full and completed are redundant---you can say "complete at 100,000 words" wherever you mention wordcount, then you don't have to repeat information) manuscript of the novel is available upon request (available upon request is generally considered to be implied by the fact that you are querying). If you are interested in reading it, please don't hesitate to contact me (it's also implied that the agent should contact you immediately if there's any interest---don't need to waste space saying that---space is limited) at the number, address, or e-mail below (just list this info beneath your signature line---don't take up space within the query).

Thank you very much for your time and consideration of this query Don't need "of this query"---implied). I genuinely appreciate it.
Hope some of this is helpful!
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Nicole Zoltack
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Re: Query: Heaven

Post by Nicole Zoltack » August 19th, 2010, 12:36 pm

commando8 wrote:Dear Agent,

I am seeking representation for my science fiction novel of approximately 100,000 words, titled Heaven. I thought that you might be a good agent for this project based on (whatever).

Early in the 22nd century, Earth has been destroyed passiveby the Alien Hordes, and humankind stands on the brink of extinction.cliche Those that remain slightly awkward, maybe The survivors?reside in Heaven, a city protected from all wavelengths ofDon't think that is neededradiation by an advanced amalgamation of Metamaterials and Hyperlenses. When an accident occurs that leaves Heaven exposed, however, Jon Roland, Lord Prime of the Last Resistance, becomes fearful that humankind will soon meet its end.

Throwing off all loyalties and defying every law that makes Heaven what it is,without knowing the laws, this part of the sentence has no impact, also loyalties to whom? Jon moves to inspect the biotechnological creations that have been built up over centuriesyou might want to mention just how long it took the Alien Hordes to destroy Earth, since I assume that the creations were made after the invaders came to Earth to defend Heaven from attack. As expected, the alien assault comes quickly, and the awe-inspiring defenders crush the breach, pressing the aliens back beyond Jon's wildest expectations.

But the attack has other consequences as well, ones that Jon can't begin to imagine. Deep within Heaven, insinuating seeds of treachery are suddenly loosed, and more alien attacks rain down on the city and the people inside. Tirelessly, Jon continues to investigate, throwing aside love and nearly his life before he realizes what the attacks really are and who is instigating them. Digging deeper, he becomes trapped in a game of deep-seated lies with a powerful member of the Resistance named Marcus Slade, one that extends as far back as Heaven itself. The city isn't really what it seems, he discovers, and neither are the people or the aliens. Before the city can be crushed by the Volkrons, the most powerful aliens that exist, Jon realizes that he must use the truth to destroy Slade and stop the attack, or lose Heaven and those that he loves forever.

A full, completed manuscript of the novel is available upon request. If you are interested in reading it, please don't hesitate to contact me at the number, address, or e-mail below.

Thank you very much for your time and consideration of this query. I genuinely appreciate it.

Your story sounds interesting but at times you have too much information and at others, are too vague. "Throwing aside love" is the first time love is mentioned, I hadn't realized that Jon had a significant other. Your third paragraph has a lot of vague phrases in it. Overall, I like the premise. Good luck!

commando8
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Re: Query: Heaven

Post by commando8 » August 19th, 2010, 2:19 pm

Both of those posts are very helpful. Thank you!
I have absolutely no expertise to offer you, but I've done an extensive amount of query research and have learned a lot of things. The first thing to keep in mind is that agents all have slightly different preferences for query style---some want bio info about you regardless of whether or not it relates to writing (they want a feel for who they may be working with if they continue with you), others don't want bio mentioned unless it pertains to writing (this early on they couldn't care less about your personal details unless it directly impacts the book you're querying)---ie; personal agent preference. Likewise, some want a more detailed plot summary, others want a few concise sentences---just enough to see if the novel/concept sound interesting and help them decide if they want to read further or not---again, personal preference. Some agents give detailed specifics of what they want to see in a query---they will specify they want one paragraph about the themes/messages of the books, one paragraph that conveys the plots/characters/conflicts/moods of the story, one paragraph with comparisons to other similar books or a listing of who this book might appeal to....the list goes on----other agents HATE the majority of those things and think they have no place in a query. You need to make sure that you know the preferences of the agents you are choosing to query. The things all agents seem to agree on are length of the query (ideally between 250-350 words----equivalent to no more than one page of typing). They want to hear enough of a description of the book that they know a) whether or not there's a story there, b)whether or not it sounds too familiar and c) whether or not it sounds like something they'd like to read/potentially rep.
This is the type of info that should be in some sort of general "how to write a query" thread. I would imagine that others not reading this particular thread would like to be informed.

clara_w
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Re: Query: Heaven

Post by clara_w » August 19th, 2010, 2:44 pm

I like this query, I think you're in the right track here.

All the best!

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wilderness
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Re: Query: Heaven

Post by wilderness » August 19th, 2010, 3:45 pm

I (very respectfully!!) disagree with CheekyChook. I feel she's making it more complicated than it really needs to be. I can only speak from my own experience, of course. A few years back, I queried a previous work and had a fairly successful partial request rate (around 50% and even greater with the initial batch of highly targeted agents). I can tell you that I used the EXACT SAME pitch portion for each agent. The only part I modified was how I found the agent and why I thought they were a good fit. I also followed the agent's preferences regarding what to include (first five pages, synopsis, whatever).

For one thing, every change you introduce into your query has the potential for a mistake or typo. So over-personalizing can actually act to your detriment. Also, no one is going to reject a really great pitch because you put your title at the top instead of the bottom or you included the themes or extra biographical information. The important part of a query is the pitch portion. You are better off making it the best possible representation of your work, and including just the right details. Also, you need to not be psycho (see Slushpile Hell for details).

Here is my generic advice for queries:

* Read A LOT of them. I mean like hundreds. Read Miss Snark's query crapometer or Query Shark. If your favorite agent has posted any of their clients' letters definitely take a look at that.
* It really helps to have a unique hook. I think you're fighting an uphill battle if you don't.
* Be able to express your novel with a one-sentence pitch. Even if you don't include the one sentence pitch in the query (although I don't think having a "log line" hurts) it is really good to have it in mind when you write your query.
* Include the inciting incident and main conflict.
* Include details that add flavor and voice. These details help make your novel unique, so think them through carefully. What are your favorite little details of your book? Can you concisely allude to them in the pitch?
* No cliches and no generalities. Be as specific as possible.
* The last line should sum up the main conflict. A synopsis includes the outcome, but a query doesn't. It is supposed to titillate you, like the back of a book.
* I personally choose to stay away from comparisons because they seem to be a bit of a minefield (agents don't want you to sound cocky and compare yourself to a huge bestseller, but they don't want you to be too obscure either). If you want to compare, I would use wording such as "My work is inspired by" or "in the vein of" rather than making presumptions like "It would appeal to readers of"
* Formatting: Email the query to yourself and a friend and make sure there are no weird formatting errors. Also, when you include five pages in the body of an email, do not just copy and paste. Use the standard email formatting, single spacing between lines and double spaces between paragraphs, and no indentations.
* Query in batches. If you send 10 queries and get zero bites, you might need to rethink your query. If you get partial requests but no full requests, maybe you need another line edit. Try to read between the lines when agents send you personalized rejections, but don't overthink it either. Sometimes "I didn't love it" can mean just that.

Definitely check out Nathan's post on the one sentence pitch and 2 paragraph pitch:
http://blog.nathanbransford.com/2010/05 ... pitch.html
http://blog.nathanbransford.com/2010/05 ... d-two.html

I'll come back later with specific suggestions for you, commando8!
Last edited by wilderness on August 19th, 2010, 5:57 pm, edited 1 time in total.

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wilderness
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Re: Query: Heaven

Post by wilderness » August 19th, 2010, 5:11 pm

commando8 wrote:
Dear Agent,

I am seeking representation for my science fiction novel of approximately 100,000 words, titled Heaven. HEAVEN in all caps. I thought that you might be a good agent for this project based on (whatever).

Early in the 22nd century, Earth has been destroyed by the Alien Hordes (why is this capitalized?), and humankind stands on the brink of extinction. Those that remain reside in Heaven, a city protected fromall wavelengths of radiation by an advanced amalgamation of Metamaterials and Hyperlenses. OK, couple things here. Should Metamaterials and Hyperlenses be capitalized? I like the words, but I'm not sure what they mean. Might help if you can help us picture it. Is it a giant shield? When an accident occurs that leaves Heaven exposed, however, Jon Roland, Lord Prime of the Last Resistance, becomes fearful that humankind will soon meet its end. What accident? Be specific.

Throwing off all loyalties and defying every law that makes Heaven what it is, (I don't know what that clause means. What loyalties? What laws?) Jon moves to inspect the biotechnological creations that have been built up over centuries to defend Heaven from attack. Is "inspect" really the right word? Why is inspecting a creature against the law? As expected, the alien assault comes quickly, and the awe-inspiring defenders crush the breach, pressing the aliens back beyond Jon's wildest expectations. How does this follow from Jon inspecting the creatures? Also, please describe the creatures. What are they and how are they used to defend the breach?

But the attack has other consequences as well, ones that Jon can't begin to imagine. Cliches and generalities. Don't tell us there are consequences. Tell us what the consequences are. Deep within Heaven, insinuating seeds of treachery are suddenly loosed, and more alien attacks rain down on the city and the people inside. Again, too general. What is loosed? What treachery? Be specific. Give us something tangible, something we can picture. Tirelessly, Jon continues to investigate, throwing aside love and nearly his life before he realizes what the attacks really are and who is instigating them. Digging deeper, he becomes trapped in a game of deep-seated lies with a powerful member of the Resistance named Marcus Slade, one that extends as far back as Heaven itself. The city isn't really what it seems, he discovers, and neither are the people or the aliens. Before the city can be crushed by the Volkrons, the most powerful aliens that exist, Jon realizes that he must use the truth to destroy Slade and stop the attack, or lose Heaven and those that he loves forever. You're using a lot of words, but this whole paragraph has very little specifics. We don't know what Jon is investigating, what he has discovered, what his love interest is that he is risking.

A full, completed manuscript of the novel is available upon request. If you are interested in reading it, please don't hesitate to contact me at the number, address, or e-mail below. Not necessary. This is assumed.

Thank you very much for your time and consideration of this query. I genuinely appreciate it.
I think the premise is interesting. I really like the idea of a single city with a breached shield trying to defend itself against aliens. Very cool. But I don't understand the plot at all. Tell us what Jon is up to and how that will help. Get specific.

commando8
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Re: Query: Heaven

Post by commando8 » August 19th, 2010, 5:48 pm

Checkout Nathan's latest blog post from today:

http://blog.nathanbransford.com/2010/08 ... etter.html

Timely!

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wilderness
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Re: Query: Heaven

Post by wilderness » August 19th, 2010, 6:01 pm

Indeed, that's one to bookmark!

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wilderness
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Re: Query: Heaven

Post by wilderness » August 19th, 2010, 6:37 pm

By the way, here is a link from Nathan's query opus that might help you with the last paragraph: http://blog.nathanbransford.com/2010/03 ... eries.html

Nathan says:
I think when writers face the daunting task of condensing their work down to a few sentences it's tempting to simply say "shocking secrets are revealed" rather than trying to sum up in just a line or two what are, in the novel, complicated and nuanced events. I know it's tricky to do this.
My philosophy is, if you don't have room to explain the shocking secrets, leave them out all together. Or maybe you only have room to explain one secret. Then just explain that one. You don't need to mention that there are more. In your case, what did Jon learn that leads him to investigate more?

This applies to any vague statement. Either make it specific or take it out of the query.

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Re: Query: Heaven

Post by commando8 » August 20th, 2010, 10:40 am

Again, very helpful suggestions. Thank you.

I sat down last night thinking I'd hammer out revisions in a quick 5. An hour later, I was basically nowhere. Curse the query process!!!

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Re: Query: Heaven - Rev. 1

Post by commando8 » August 22nd, 2010, 5:22 pm

I've been at this for awhile now and think I've got it down to a good length with some more precise detail. That old third paragraph seems to have been the main problem, so that's where the focus was. I just hope I'm not giving away too much!

Also, after reading numerous 'successful' queries, I think my main concern is now voice. It just doesn't seem to stand out. If forum members agree, I'll likely rewrite it completely.

Anyway, please let me know what you think!!

Dear Agent,

Early in the 22nd century, Earth has been destroyed by the Alien Hordes, and humankind stands on the brink of extinction. Those that remain reside in Heaven, a city protected by an advanced amalgamation of Metamaterials and Hyperlenses. When power to the shield suddenly fails, however, Jon Roland, Lord Prime of the Last Resistance, becomes fearful that humankind will soon meet its end.

Acting swiftly, Jon releases the biotechnological creations that have been built up over centuries to defend Heaven from attack. As expected, the alien assault comes quickly, and the awe-inspiring defenders crush the breach, pressing the invaders back beyond Jon's wildest expectations.

Determined to prevent further attacks, Jon undertakes a dangerous investigation into the power failure, throwing aside the council and ultimately the love of his wife, Meleese. The investigation leads him all the way to his second-in-command, Marcus Slade. Before going into hiding, Slade reveals that he caused the breach and created the aliens to destroy and then replace humankind.

As the Hordes assail Heaven and the Resistance looks for Slade in vain, Jon seeks to repair his relationship with Meleese and learns that she is the one person who knows where Slade might be. City and people at the edge of oblivion, the two hunt down Slade, hoping they can put an end to his treachery before Heaven is destroyed.

HEAVEN, a 100,000 word science fiction novel, is an allegory of the human immune system and how it manages to fight off viruses, bacteria, and all manner of infection.

Thank you very much for your consideration of this query. I genuinely appreciate it.

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Re: Query: Heaven - Rev. 1

Post by Quill » August 22nd, 2010, 6:20 pm

commando8 wrote:
Early in the 22nd century, Earth has been destroyed by the Alien Hordes,
Why is "Alien Hordes" capitalized?
and humankind stands on the brink of extinction. Those that remain reside in Heaven, a city protected by an advanced amalgamation of Metamaterials and Hyperlenses.
If Earth has been destroyed, then where is this city located?

Why are "Metamaterials" and "Hyperlenses" capitalized?
When power to the shield suddenly fails, however,
Suggest omitting "however," as unneeded.
Jon Roland, Lord Prime of the Last Resistance,
Odd name, Lord Prime. Usually resistance movements are depicted as lowly and against royalty, and here we have it being run by a "Lord."
becomes fearful that humankind will soon meet its end.
This is mundane. Seeing as you've already stated that humankind stands on the brink of extinction, I would think he would have "become fearful" long ago. Also, becoming fearful isn't that big of a deal. Maybe a given for the times, in which case hardly worth mentioning.
Acting swiftly, Jon releases the biotechnological creations that have been built up over centuries to defend Heaven from attack.
1. How are these different from metamaterials and hyberlenses. Seems like it's getting to be a lot of jargon without explanation. Could you just say "back-up system"? Or skip it, and let the first line of defense be all we need to know about the situation?

2. If they have been "built up over centuries" and we are early in the 22nd century, how come we haven't heard of these, or Heaven, now? (Your story takes place only 100 years from now, right?)
As expected, the alien assault comes quickly,
You can probably cut "as expected".
and the awe-inspiring defenders crush the breach,
Awkward: "awe-inspiring"? Inspiring awe in whom? The reader? The enemy? Cut, as an author aside.

Unclear: "Crush the breach"? What breach (I thought the whole shield is down)? If you mean an alien incursion, why not make that clearer, by maybe saying "the alien breach comes quickly"? How do they "crush" the breach? A breach is a hole, right? Are they somehow crushing the hole in the city perimeter shut? Does this have anything to do with the bio-creations? Are they using the creations to crush the breach? If not, what specifically going on here?

pressing the invaders back beyond Jon's wildest expectations.
Like, all the way to Mars? What, in fact, were Jon's wildest expectations? That they might press them back, say, as far as Venus? How could they press them anywhere but just beyond the city's perimeter? Do you see how this reads a bit awkward?
Determined to prevent further attacks, Jon undertakes a dangerous investigation into the power failure
How about something simpler, like, when the dust clears Jon investigates the power failure. Or even more direct: When Jon attempts to restore power to the shield, he finds a path that leads to..." or some such. No need to mention "further attacks" as that seems a given.

, throwing aside the council and ultimately the love of his wife, Meleese.
This can be omitted as unneeded for dramatic support, and muddying the waters of the query.
The investigation leads him all the way to his second-in-command, Marcus Slade.
Omit "all the way" as unneeded and slowing the action.
Before going into hiding, Slade reveals that he caused the breach and created the aliens to destroy and then replace humankind.
Slade created the aliens? This is a plot point that needs a bit more light shined upon it, it seems. As written it feels like an afterthought. Also, not sure I like the subject of this sentence switching to Slade. Any way to keep it from Jon's perspective, like, "Slade slips into hiding just as Jon finds out Slade not only caused the breach, but actually created the aliens..."

As the Hordes assail Heaven
Why are they assailing? Are both the primary and backup systems down? We may need a little update on the status of the "advanced amalgamation" and the "biotechnical creations"?
and the Resistance looks for Slade in vain, Jon
Omit "in vain" as unneeded.

seeks to repair his relationship with Meleese and
Omit. No room or need for this relationship to enter the query.

learns that she is the one person who knows where Slade might be.
This feels a bit melodramatic. Any way to write around this?
City and people at the edge of oblivion,
Wouldn't it be "WITH THE city and people..."?

the two hunt down Slade, hoping they can put an end to his treachery before Heaven is destroyed.
Couldn't you just say "Jon hunts down Slade..."

There's a bit of unclarity about the actual problems with the technology, which is important because it is the setting on which your story hangs, and there are one or two too many references to being destroyed ( oblivion, soon meet its end, brink of extinction).
HEAVEN, a 100,000 word science fiction novel,
Good.
is an allegory of the human immune system and how it manages to fight off viruses, bacteria, and all manner of infection.
Omit, as the theme of the book is not generally considered needed (or of benefit) to a query letter.
Thank you very much for your consideration of this query. I genuinely appreciate it.
Omit "very much" and "I genuinely appreciate it".

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