Nathan Bransford - The Forums

I hear the word "query" and my eyelid twitches and my skin breaks out. Can we come up with some other term? I mean, we're all creative people, right?

Perhaps something more descriptive:
weary

Perhaps something that will make me want to waste time doing it:
facebook

Perhaps something that will make me feel drawn to it, like I can't live without it:
hot fudge sundae

Perhaps something to make it sound sexier:
literary quickie

desperate plea
pre-suicide note

I think I like query letter more.

From the Age of Manners: Letter of Introduction

From the Law: The Bill of Particulars

From Latin: Res Ipsa Loquitur, literally, the thing itself speaks.

From conventional advertising uses; The Pitch

From Yiddish loan word slang; The Schmooze

From gallant social conventions: The Début or Cotillion or Coming Out Annoucement

I'm partial to The Pitch, but also like Letter of Introduction

Business offer?
Help wanted letter?

polymath wrote:From Latin: Res Ipse Loquitur, literally, the thing itself speaks.

I'm going with this one. I want a query letter that will scream like a Howler (you know, like the ones in Harry Potter). Only it would be very professional, of course. Say please and thank-you and all that. Imagine that landing on an agent's desk.

A scratch card?

Down the well wrote:I want a query letter that will scream like a Howler (you know, like the ones in Harry Potter). Only it would be very professional, of course. Say please and thank-you and all that. Imagine that landing on an agent's desk.

I love it!!! :D

Talking greeting cards would fit the "Howler" Res Ipsa Loquitur bill. I imagine the novelty factor might at first earn a brownie point if done imaginatively and accompanying a traditional query letter enclosure. But novelty rapidly becomes outworn when everyone does it unimaginatively. Of course, unsolicited sound file e-mail query attachments don't typically get opened by agents.

How to make talking greeting cards;
http://www.ehow.com/how_5437588_make-ta ... cards.html

I have $1.83 in unmarked bills for the person that can come up with a way to make writing a query letter less soul crushing! I write hundreds of thousands of words, but choke at the 250ish to be sent to an agent.

Move to Norway... we don't even need query letters here. We just send in the manuscript. One of the advantages of living in a small country!

The Schmooze - LOL! Too funny. And SO TRUE!

Incidentally, I'm hosting a contest on my blog to win a query critique by yours truly. Queries are not so hard for me; I've always gotten really good feedback on them from agents. Then they tell me that my topic is too overdone for them. Talk about taking the wind out of your sails.

So, anyway, if queries are the bane of your existence, hop on over to my blog and maybe you can win a chance to get some help with yours. :-) Link is in my signature.

I would like a query letter than can holographically project how cute I am.

Of course, then I remember that agents usually tell us they have no souls and I am crushed. The puppy dog eyes would probably not work.

Then I could explain, "Hey, I'm a 30 year old who looks like I'm 15. Imagine how much longer I could live to work for you!"

Of course, then I remember they hate those 'but wait, there's more' pitches and I am crushed. My youthful visage would probably not work.

So perhaps a query letter than can project a gun and a ransom. But then I would probably just get arrested. XD

Ooh. A query letter that uses Jedi Mind Control!

hulbertsfriend wrote:I have $1.83 in unmarked bills for the person that can come up with a way to make writing a query letter less soul crushing! I write hundreds of thousands of words, but choke at the 250ish to be sent to an agent.

yes, yes, a million times yes. Funny, I totally forgot I even started this thread. I've been too consumed writing my lovely and inspiring query letter. Sometimes I sit on the verandah and read my query aloud while sipping on iced tea with a sprig of mint and the cat curled up in my lap.

The good news (for me) is that thanks to my awesome/amazing/stupendous critique partner, I actually have a decent query now. I guess that means I don't get to complain about queries any more but the pain lingers.

Ha! I hate the word "query" too. Mostly because I never know how to say it.

Wheelbarrow! I hereby declare that, from this moment forth, queries will be called 'wheelbarrows' throughout the land! Objectors, speak now or forever after hold your silence. No objectors? Done!

Nathan, of course, will still get wheelbarrows by the query-load.