Nathan Bransford - The Forums

This is a second attempt at a query. I incorporated feedback from the first round from this forum and tried to tighten it and make it less run on. Also to get to the point of the conflict sooner. Does this query get your attention? And if you see grammatical errors, please help. Particularly the grammar on the "The question is:,,," sentence. My ability to see my own typos and grammar mistakes in nearly non-existent. I actually haven't moved to NZ yet. I go in three weeks and as soon as I have permanent contact info there, I intend to start the query process. Does anyone have an opinion if that will negatively impact my chances. Thanks for the feedback.

Suzanne

Puckatoo is a tiny Jack Russell Terrier with a big dog attitude. She lives the good life with an overflowing food bowl, squirrels on the run, and her owners’ undivided attention. But she is given away when a new baby is born. Her new family, the Littlefields, take her on a sailing trip before she can run home to clear up what she is sure is a terrible mistake. On the trip, a sudden storm and mysterious fog blow in, leaving the parents adrift in the dinghy. Puckatoo and the three Littlefield boys are stranded on the sailboat and lost at sea.

Now, in order to get home, Puckatoo must help the boys find their parents. While she protects them from the dangers they encounter on their search -- dangers like a strange isolated island, its silver-eyed inhabitants who may be friend or foe, and a beast that smells like a bone gone bad who definitely wants to eat them for lunch -- she discovers that families aren't always a walk in the dog park, but being the center of attention isn't all there is either. In the wag of a tail she has to decide if she is willing to commit to the boys. It’s a decision that might cost her everything. The question is: What's worth risking everything for?

The Adventures of Puckatoo is complete at 30,000 words. It’s aimed at adventure-loving readers at the early end of the middle-grade spectrum. I believe it will hold particular interest for boys. I am a member of New England SCBWI and have lived in Maine for the past eight years where the story is set. My family and I have sailed Casco Bay recreationally for many of those years. When I am not writing, I work as a clinical social worker with individuals, children and families in an outpatient setting. Currently I am on an adventure of my own, (no monsters, only sheep), living in New Zealand for the year. I will be returning to Maine in September of 2011.

Thank you for considering representing my work. Sample chapters, the full manuscript and a synopsis are available upon request. I look forward to your response.

Hi! I’m rather new, but I’ll give it a go.

I love your first sentence. It gets my attention and makes me read right into the letter. However, in your second sentence I’m getting tripped up on “squirrels on the run” and I feel it should be altered or another example entirely should be used.

With your third sentence, I would instead phrase it like “Yet, when a new baby is born, Puckatoo is [adjective] given away.” Something like this would work better for me, because it primarily uses the dog’s name again (which I had to go back and look for) and starts a complete sentence with “yet” instead of a fragment with “but”.

“Her new family, the Littlefields, take her on a sailing trip before she can run home to clear up what she is sure is a terrible mistake.” Is a little too wordy for me and increases the chance of having the reader get lost in the sentence. Try something like “Her new family, the Littlefields, take Puckatoo on a sailing trip before she can clear up the terrible mistake.”

As for the rest, I’m going to rephrase the words you already have;

“To make matters even worse,” a sudden storm blows in, leaving Mr. and Mrs. Littlefield adrift in their dinghy. Puckatoo and the three Littlefield boys are stranded on their sailboat and lost at sea.

In order to get home, Puckatoo must help the boys find their parents. While she protects them from danger-- danger like a strange isolated island, its mysterious silver-eyed inhabitants, and a beast that smells like a bone gone bad-- she discovers that being a family isn’t always a walk in the dog park. In the wag of a tail, Puckatoo has to decide if she is willing to commit to the boys - a decision that might cost her everything.

The Adventures of Puckatoo is complete at 30,000 words. It’s aimed at adventure-loving readers at the early end of the middle-grade spectrum. I believe it will hold particular interest for boys. I am a member of New England SCBWI and have lived in Maine for the past eight years where the story is set. My family and I have sailed Casco Bay recreationally for many of those years. When I am not writing, I work as a clinical social worker with individuals, children, and families in an outpatient setting. Currently I am on an adventure of my own, (no monsters, only sheep), living in New Zealand for the year. I will be returning to Maine in September of 2011.

Thank you for considering representing my work. Sample chapters, the full manuscript and a synopsis are available upon request. I look forward to your response.
Now I know I went through this word for word, but these are merely suggestions and if you’re absolutely in love with a sentence, by all means keep it. ^.^ This is just the little stuff that makes me stop and reread sentences.

Here's a link that might be helpful too:

http://www.guidetoliteraryagents.com/bl ... +Reid.aspx

suz wrote:
Puckatoo is a tiny Jack Russell Terrier with a big dog attitude. She lives the good life with an overflowing food bowl, squirrels on the run, and her owners’ undivided attention.

This has a bit too much exaggeration for me. Why would the food bowl be overflowing, that's an odd image. And what owners can give a pet undivided attention? Don't they have jobs?

But she is given away when a new baby is born.

This is not nearly as dynamic as in your previous version, in fact it's rather flat.

Her new family, the Littlefields, take her on a sailing trip before she can run home to clear up what she is sure is a terrible mistake.

This seems like a run-on sentence of ideas. Any way to separate these? I also seem to remember this reading better in the other version.

On the trip,

Can you find a way not to repeat "trip"?

a sudden storm and mysterious fog blow in, leaving the parents adrift in the dinghy. Puckatoo and the three Littlefield boys are stranded on the sailboat and lost at sea.

Now, in order to get home, Puckatoo must help the boys find their parents.

Good. I'd omit "Now".

While she protects them from the dangers they encounter on their search -- dangers like a strange isolated island, its silver-eyed inhabitants who may be friend or foe, and a beast that smells like a bone gone bad who definitely wants to eat them for lunch -- she discovers that families aren't always a walk in the dog park, but being the center of attention isn't all there is either. In the wag of a tail she has to decide if she is willing to commit to the boys. It’s a decision that might cost her everything. The question is: What's worth risking everything for?

What might it cost this pup? What is everything to a pup?

Any way to avoid saying "everything" twice here? Also "cost" and "risking" are so close in meaning that your last sentence comes off as mostly redundant. Maybe you can reword your last two sentences to encompass all of the crux, in a way that's worthy of this cute book?

The Adventures of Puckatoo is complete at 30,000 words. It’s aimed at adventure-loving readers at the early end of the middle-grade spectrum. I believe it will hold particular interest for boys. I am a member of New England SCBWI and have lived in Maine for the past eight years where the story is set. My family and I have sailed Casco Bay recreationally for many of those years.

This seems like a good place to stop.

I'd omit "adventure-loving" as sounding like it's trying too hard, plus it is telling after the fact (when by this point it should have been shown that it is an adventure. And heck, it's in the title).

The title should be all caps.

When I am not writing, I work as a clinical social worker with individuals, children and families in an outpatient setting. Currently I am on an adventure of my own, (no monsters, only sheep), living in New Zealand for the year. I will be returning to Maine in September of 2011.

These have little to do with your ability to write a publishable story and as such should probably be omitted.

Thank you for considering representing my work. I look forward to your response.

this reads okay although not all agents give responses.

Sample chapters, the full manuscript and a synopsis are available upon request.

This part is unneeded, being a given by dint of you querying, and as such may appear unprofessional if included.

suz wrote:
Puckatoo is a tiny Jack Russell Terrier with a big dog attitude. She lives the good life with an overflowing food bowl, squirrels on the run, and her owners’ undivided attention. But she is given away when a new baby is born. Her new family, the Littlefields, take her on a sailing trip before she can run home to clear up what she is sure is a terrible mistake. On the trip, a sudden storm and mysterious fog blow in, leaving the parents adrift in the dinghy. Puckatoo and the three Littlefield boys are stranded on the sailboat and lost at sea. This is really cute.

Now, in order to get home, Puckatoo must help the boys find their parents. While she protects them from the dangers they encounter on their search -- dangers like a strange isolated island, its silver-eyed inhabitants who may be friend or foe, and a beast that smells like a bone gone bad who definitely wants to eat them for lunch -- she discovers that families aren't always a walk in the dog park, but being the center of attention isn't all there is either. I think this would be better if you described the dangers in a separate sentence. The long m-dash clause makes you forget the beginning part of the sentence. In the wag of a tail she has to decide if she is willing to commit to the boys. It’s a decision that might cost her everything. The question is: What's worth risking everything for? These last two lines are kind of generic. Instead, why does she have to commit to the boys because of this? Does she have the chance to escape without them? I think you can bring it all together a little better.

The Adventures of Puckatoo is complete at 30,000 words. It’s aimed at adventure-loving readers at the early end of the middle-grade spectrum. I would just say it is a 30,000 word middle-grade novel. I believe it will hold particular interest for boys. I am a member of New England SCBWI and have lived in Maine for the past eight years where the story is set. My family and I have sailed Casco Bay recreationally for many of those years. When I am not writing, I work as a clinical social worker with individuals, children and families in an outpatient setting. Currently I am on an adventure of my own, (no monsters, only sheep), living in New Zealand for the year. I will be returning to Maine in September of 2011. Not sure this is necessary information. Plenty of agents take clients from abroad. Seems like you can fill them in on the details at a later point in the process.

Thank you for considering representing my work. Sample chapters, the full manuscript and a synopsis are available upon request. I look forward to your response.

Cute sounding story! Reminds me of how I enjoyed books with a dog POV when I was young, like Howliday Inn :) Good luck!

Here is an updated version. I hope it addresses some of the concerns. Thank you so much to the folks who commented on this thread an on the first version, particularly you Quill for taking the time to comment on both. It means so much to get the feed back. I think if this is grammatically clean and passes muster. I will try a few queries with this and see if there is any response. What does anyone think? Thank you for your time and responses.

suz

BTW: I keep drafting more in depth versions of the second paragraph and then scrapping them and returning to the less is more version.

This has some really generic bits in it but it has another specific piece too. It is just a blurb:

The boys discover an isolated island unlike one Puckatoo has ever smelled before. There is nothing modern there; only a strange people with glowing, silver eyes and a beast that smells like a bone gone bad. A young, island girl and her dog befriend Puckatoo and the boys. Together they not only defeat the beast which threatened the island for generations but triumph over the demons which haunt each of them.

Is that better? More worthwhile? Arrrrgghh!


Puckatoo is a tiny Jack Russell Terrier with a big dog attitude. She thinks her life is perfect. She’s got a belly full of food, squirrels on the run, and her owners’ undivided attention. So when a new baby is born, she’s shocked to discover that she suddenly has too much energy and is being given away. Her new family, the Littlefields, take her sailing before she can run home to clear up the terrible mistake. A sudden storm and mysterious fog blow in tossing the parents adrift in their dinghy. Puckatoo and the three Littlefield boys are stranded on the boat, alone and lost at sea.

Now, in order to get home to her old life, Puckatoo must help the boys find their parents. While she protects them from dangers -- like a strange isolated island, its silver-eyed inhabitants, and a beast that smells like a bone gone bad -- she discovers that maybe she doesn’t want her old life after all. Being part of the Littlefield pack may not always be a walk in the dog park, and she may not always be the center of attention anymore, but finding her purpose turns out to be the perfect adventure.

Complete at 30,000 words THE ADVENTURES OF PUCKATOO is an early middle-grade novel. I believe it will hold particular interest for boys. I am a member of New England SCBWI and have lived in Maine for the past eight years where the story is set. My family and I have sailed Casco Bay recreationally for many of those years.

Thank you for considering representing my work. I look forward to your response.

suz wrote: Puckatoo is a tiny Jack Russell Terrier with a big dog attitude. She thinks her life is perfect. She’s got a belly full of food, squirrels on the run, and her owners’ undivided attention.

Good. How about "the neighborhood squirrels on the run" so it doesn't appear (however briefly) to sound like a belly full of food and squirrels?

So when a new baby is born, she’s shocked to discover that she suddenly has too much energy and is being given away.

Definitely in the right direction. Thinking to lose "discover" which may not be the best word and it's repeated in a better spot below. Also, "suddenly", usually not a good word for querying, works okay but might benefit from a slight shift. How about "...she's shocked to find that suddenly she has too much energy..."? or some such.

Her new family, the Littlefields, take her sailing before she can run home to clear up the terrible mistake.

Good. A little dissonance between "too much energy" and "mistake" (is energy a mistake? Or is it a mistake to get rid of somebody because they have too much energy. Is it more of a misunderstanding than a mistake?) but okay.

A sudden storm

How about "freak storm" to avoid using the dreaded "sudden" word again.

and mysterious fog blow in tossing the parents adrift in their dinghy. Puckatoo and the three Littlefield boys are stranded on the boat, alone and lost at sea.

Awkward. Sounds like the fog tosses the parents, and "fog blow" conjures up a fog horn. And what is a mysterious fog? What makes it non-normal?

How about tossing the fog and the tossing of the parents:

"A freak storm results in the parents adrift in the dinghy, and the three boys [tossing "Littlefield" too] stranded on the boat, lost at sea"?

I do see how maybe "mysterious fog" is supposed to set up the fantasy element of the island (which is more played up on your longer blurb about the island). If so, might better emphasize with a bit more detail? Otherwise, again, it's like what's so mysterious about this fog? It rolls in, it's fog.

Now, in order to get home to her old life, Puckatoo must help the boys find their parents.

Puck's motive is clearer now.

Usually phrases like "Now, in order" can be considered filler, but here it seems to work.

While she protects them from dangers -- like a strange isolated island, its silver-eyed inhabitants, and a beast that smells like a bone gone bad -- she discovers that maybe she doesn’t want her old life after all.

Good, but feels a bit rushed, going in two sentences from stating her mission to having a new outcome be a done deal.

How about, "But while she protects them from dangers along the way..." or some such to clarify where we are going with this.

Being part of the Littlefield pack may not always be a walk in the dog park,

Great line.

and she may not always be the center of attention anymore,

A little awkward:

1. Repeats "the center of attention" from above.

2. Logically I would think she would have more attention from five than from two people (although in busy household maybe not; any way to clarify?)

but finding her purpose turns out to be the perfect adventure.

I like how the sentence comes out, but "finding her purpose" is a bit odd. What is her purpose? To be part of the Littlefield pack? Is being part of the pack enough of a purpose to call it that? A purpose, a calling, it seems too strong and too pat.

How about "finding her new place in the world turns out...." or something.

Complete at 30,000 words THE ADVENTURES OF PUCKATOO is an early middle-grade novel. I believe it will hold particular interest for boys. I am a member of New England SCBWI and have lived in Maine for the past eight years where the story is set. My family and I have sailed Casco Bay recreationally for many of those years.

Thank you for considering representing my work. I look forward to your response.

The shorter bio is good.

BTW: I keep drafting more in depth versions of the second paragraph and then scrapping them and returning to the less is more version.

This "more" version could work if it ends with a sentence about Puck from above "While she protects them from dangers she discovers that maybe she doesn’t want her old life after all" or something. As longs as it's worked in there somehow.

The boys discover an isolated island unlike one Puckatoo has ever smelled before.

Good but:

1. How about having them land on the island to avoid using "discover" again.

2. How about omitting the adjective "isolated" to avoid two "is" words in a row. And unneeded.

There is nothing modern there;

There are no modern facilities is a weak way to introduce it. Better to go with the positive, saying what there is: it is primeval forest, it's inhabitants are strange people...

only a strange people with glowing, silver eyes and a beast that smells like a bone gone bad.

Good.

A young, island girl and her dog befriend Puckatoo and the boys.

I'd pluck the comma from after "young".

Together they not only defeat the beast which threatened the island for generations but triumph over the demons which haunt each of them.

1. Omit "not only" as unneeded and generic.

2. "which has threatened." Not "which threatened". Would a stronger word, like "terrorized", work better?

3. "which haunt" each of who? The girl, the boys, and the two dogs? Every person on the island?


Not sure whether or not to incorporate the more detailed paragraph into the query.

suz wrote:This is a second attempt at a query. I incorporated feedback from the first round from this forum and tried to tighten it and make it less run on. Also to get to the point of the conflict sooner. Does this query get your attention? And if you see grammatical errors, please help. Particularly the grammar on the "The question is:,,," sentence. My ability to see my own typos and grammar mistakes in nearly non-existent. I actually haven't moved to NZ yet. I go in three weeks and as soon as I have permanent contact info there, I intend to start the query process. Does anyone have an opinion if that will negatively impact my chances. Thanks for the feedback.

Suzanne

Puckatoo is a tiny Jack Russell Terrier with a big dog attitude. She lives the good life with an overflowing food bowl, squirrels on the run,I would cut this about the squirrels or say chasing squirrels, but then it isn't phrased the same way as the rest of the sentence and her owners’ undivided attention. But she is given away when a new baby is born. is given = passive sentence. Better as But her owners give her away when their new baby is born. Her new family, the Littlefields, take her on a sailing trip before she can run run 2x with squirrels on the run -- I would cut the squirrels home to clear up what she is sure is a terrible mistake. On the trip I would cut this -- we know she is on a trip, plus the sentence structure is better without this clause, a sudden storm and mysterious fog blow in, leaving and leave the parents adrift in the dinghy. Puckatoo and the three Littlefield boys are stranded on the sailboat and lost at sea.

Now, in order to get home, Puckatoo must help the boys find their parents. While she protects them from the dangers they encounter on their search -- dangers like I would cut dangers like and just list them a strange isolated island, its silver-eyed inhabitants who may be friend or foe friend or foe is a cliche, but I think it's okay, and a beast that smells like a bone gone bad who definitely wants to eat them for lunch eat them for lunch is a cliche -- two cliches in a row are not okay -- she discovers that families aren't always a walk in the dog park walk in the (dog) park is another cliche, but being the center of attention isn't all there is to life (or some other words here) either. In the wag of a tail she has to decide (I would cut if she is willing) to commit to the boys. It’s a decision that might cost her everything. The question is: What's worth risking everything for?

The Adventures of Puckatoo is complete at 30,000 words. It’s aimed at adventure-loving readers at the early end of the middle-grade spectrum. I believe it will hold particular interest for boys. I am a member of New England SCBWI and have lived in Maine for the past eight years where the story is set. My family and I have sailed Casco Bay recreationally for many of those years. When I am not writing, I work as a clinical social worker with individuals, children and families in an outpatient setting. Currently I am on an adventure of my own, (no monsters, only sheep), living in New Zealand for the year. I will be returning to Maine in September of 2011. I like this paragraph.

Thank you for considering representing my work. Sample chapters, the full manuscript and a synopsis are available upon request. I look forward to your response.

Good luck! Your story sounds great.

Hi Suz,
I really like your new version (non italics). This last line ties it all together very well, IMO:

suz wrote:Being part of the Littlefield pack may not always be a walk in the dog park, and she may not always be the center of attention anymore, but finding her purpose turns out to be the perfect adventure.

I don't like the italics version as much, mainly because it sounds a little darker. I like the fun, adventurous tone of the above sentence.

Great job!

Here is an attempt to integrate more plot into the second paragraph without overwhelming it. I realize you can just tweak these things to death. There is no stopping. It is a sickness.

Any feedback for the sickie would be greatly appreciated.

Suz

Puckatoo is a tiny Jack Russell Terrier with a big dog attitude. She thinks her life is perfect. She has a belly full of food, the neighborhood squirrels on the run, and her owners’ undivided attention. So when a new baby is born, she’s shocked to find that suddenly she has too much energy, and she is being given away. Her new family, the Littlefields, take her sailing before she can run home to clear up the terrible mistake. A freak storm leaves the parents adrift in the dinghy, and Puckatoo and the three squabbling boys, ages eleven, seven and four, stranded on the boat, lost at sea.

Now, in order to get home to her old life, Puckatoo must help the boys find their parents. They come upon an island and think they will quickly find help, but what they discover are silver-eyed inhabitants whose chief who wants to steal their boat and a beast that smells like a bone gone bad. With the help of a young island girl on her own search, Puckatoo and the boys do what generations of island warriors could not. They defeat the ancient beast, all the while, Puckatoo discovers that maybe she doesn’t want her old life back after all. Being part of the Littlefield pack may not be a walk in the dog park, and she may not be the center of attention anymore, but having real responsibility and purpose in a family turns out to be the perfect adventure for a dog like her.

While written to appeal to both genders, I believe THE ADVENTURES OF PUCKATOO will hold particular interest for boys. I am a member of New England SCBWI and have lived in Maine for the past eight years where the story is set. My family and I have sailed Casco Bay recreationally for many of those years. When I am not writing or sailing, I work as a clinical social worker with individuals, children and families in an outpatient setting. Currently I am on an adventure of my own, (no monsters, only sheep), living in New Zealand for the year. I will be returning to Maine in September of 2011.

suz wrote:Here is an attempt to integrate more plot into the second paragraph without overwhelming it. I realize you can just tweak these things to death. There is no stopping. It is a sickness.

Any feedback for the sickie would be greatly appreciated.

Suz

Puckatoo is a tiny Jack Russell Terrier with a big dog attitude. She thinks her life is perfect. She has a belly full of food, the neighborhood squirrels on the run, and her owners’ undivided attention. So when a new baby is born, she’s shocked to find that suddenly she has too much energy, and she is being given away. is given = passive. Better active -- tell who is giving, as in, So when her owners have a new baby, she is shocked to find that she suddenly has too much energy and they are giving her away Her new family, the Littlefields, take takes her sailing before she can run run 2x in paragraph -- I would cut the squirrels on the run home to clear up the terrible mistake. A freak storm leaves the parents adrift in the dinghy, and Puckatoo and the three squabbling boys, ages eleven, seven and four, stranded on the boat, lost at sea. stranded on the boat and lost at sea mean about the same thing -- I would cut one

Now, in order to get home to her old life, Puckatoo must help the boys find their parents. They come upon an island and think they will quickly find help, They think they will find help when they come upon an island but what they discover are but they discover silver-eyed inhabitants whose chief who wants to steal their boat and a beast that smells like a bone gone bad. With the help of a young island girl on her own search search for what? If it is important enough to mention her search in the query, you should say for what -- otherwise, I would just say with the help of a young island girl , Puckatoo and the boys do what generations of island warriors could not accomplish or some other word here. They defeat the ancient beast, what ancient beast? the one that smells like a bad bone? was this beast terrorizing the villagers? If so, you need some kind of setup before you tell us that Puckatoo and the boys defeat it all the while,run-on sentence here Puckatoo discovers that maybe she doesn’t want her old life back after all. Being part of the Littlefield pack may not be a walk in the dog park, and she may not be the center of attention anymore, but having real responsibility and purpose in a family turns out to be the perfect adventure for a dog like her.

While written to appeal to both genders,awkward, kind of passive -- you might make a more active statement While I wrote the story to appeal to everybody, I believe THE ADVENTURES OF PUCKATOO will hold particular interest for boys. I am a member of New England SCBWI and have lived in Maine for the past eight years where the story is set. My family and I have sailed Casco Bay recreationally for many of those years. When I am not writing or sailing, I work as a clinical social worker with individuals, children and families in an outpatient setting. Currently I am on an adventure of my own, (no monsters, only sheep), living in New Zealand for the year. I will be returning to Maine in September of 2011.

I like the rest of this bio. You do need the word count and to say that it is MG

Good luck! Sounds like a really fun story.