Ok, it has to be said, this is not ready to be sent out to agents. You really need to proof read this. There are multiple grammatical mistakes, missing punctuation etc etc. Until you clean it up, I don't think you will even be able to get the real content feedback that you need.drewes202 wrote:This was a lot longer before, and I've really worked on it. I'm sure there are a few grammatical errors, but I've worked on trying to polish it up. I haven't sent this out to any agents yet, but hope to do so soon. Just wondering what everything thinks about it? Thank You
Hounds of Heaven
Resistance fighter Dom Craddock is sick of fighting a war his side is losing. why not just say "a losing war." it means the same thing, you have a tendency to use more words than necessary I think The Great War between vampires and humans lasted 600 hundred ?? 600 hundred? or six hundred years? years. When the humans lost, they were enslaved; incorrect use of semi-colon the rebels hunted by the vampire-led Tartarus Corporation. Six hundred years later comma humanity is on the verge of extinction. The sky is blacked, blackened? and the planet is dying. DOM, if you are going to capitalize the names (which always irks me for some reason) be consistent a werewolf and battle hardened battle-hardenedresistance fighter you already introduced him as a resistance fighter, you are repeating yourself must lead his team on a final mission. To save humanity, and the planet. this is a sentence fragment Determined to stand against all odds, they’ll have the Anti-christ extra space here Casticus, capitalize? and his army of hell standing in their way.
The 28th century is blessed with the luxuries of advanced technology, this sentence structure is awkward, drop comma and change but for and maybe? but the hardships of the Great Depression. Discrimination towards humans has taken a turn for the worse, and most have ended up in work camps around the city, or in personal dungeons of vampire families who use the humans as slaves or food. The last groups of humanity and werewolves came together to form HADES comma a resistance militia comma to fight again the Tartarus Corporation, this should be a period not a comma Dom’s team the Hounds of Heaven contains a unique mixture of individuals: DEXT, the hacker; LOGAN, the explosives expert; DOZER, the heavy defense expert and RIK, another werewolf.
After a routine mission of taking down a blood bank comma Dom heads to the city of Necro which was built on the ruins of New York City. There Dom takes on the persona of a hired gun and private detective for the lower level district of the city. One of Dom’s informants is a stripper named Anya, and she works at the cities apostrophe missing high class gentleman’s club, Club Zero. Anya is beautiful, fun, and has all the qualities that Dom likes in a woman. But she’s a vampire, and a junkie who supplies Dom with intel, and he pays her in drugs. Anya tips Dom off about an arrogant Captain in the Tartarus Enforcment Agency that who not that has been leaking classified information to her when he’s drunk. That same Captain happens to pay Anya visit while Dom’s there. While the Captain is getting a dance from Anya, Dom knocks him out, and brings him back to his personal personal is redundant quarters. After some entertaining ??? this adjective will certainly win over the sadists torture, the Captain gives Dom the information he needs, and Dom brings the intel to Commander Thomas King, the leader of the resistance group HADES. run on sentence!
Dom and his team are sent sent by whom? to a bunker that was revealed in the intel taken from the Captain. This bunker sits among the ruins of NYC, and they must battle the lowest forms of demons that inhabitant the wastelands outside the city to get there. Once Dom and his team reach the bunker comma - you need to remember comma after starting sentences with dependent clauses they find a group of scientists inside. These scientists have been working on the technology to rid the world of constant darkness, and bring the sun back. The scientists have been locked up for 600 years, transfusing vampire blood with their own to stay alive, and continue their research. They have all lived on minimum reserves of blood for years, which causes them to all turn on Dom, and his team. confused, are they vampires? At the same time the bunker is being raided by Tartatus agents. this is a sentence fragment, is that period suppose to be a comma? Dom is able to get the research information off the data terminals, and escapes with the help of one of the lead scientists comma Kala. Dom is immediately attracted to Kala, and a relationship between the two quickly forms, developing throughout the story. cut "developing throughout the story" Dom, unnecessary comma and his team escape, but with every situation getting worse, their bad luck streak continues when the escape route they take drops them off miles away from the city in the middle of the wastelands, full of zombie, and hell hounds missing punctuation
They must battle through thousands of Rabisu (zombies), and Krak (hell hounds) to get back to higher ground and call in air support. Grinder, Dom’s main pilot comma is able to pick him up, and bring them all back to the headquarters Babylon. in a copter i'm assuming? also what is Babylon? I mean i know what it was...
Dom takes no time at all avoid overused phrases like "takes no time at all" unnecessarily wordy to rest after what happened in the bunker, and heads back to the city of Necro once again taking on his persona. There Dom gets more info from Anya about an executive scientist who killed himself in the club the night before. She thinks it’s worth Dom looking into so he checks it out, and recovers the scientists’ personal data pad. Dom leaves the club, and heads back to his apartment only to realize he’s being followed by two enforcement agents. A chase ensures ensues? between Dom, and multiple enforcement agents throughout the city. Dom is eventually cornered, and has to fight for his own survival, killing the agents, and fleeing from reinforcements.
Dom heads back to his apartment after the chase, and is knocked out as he enters. He wakes up to realize he’s being held prisoner in the Tartarus stronghold. As a prisoner comma Dom is tortured by one of the head commanders under Casticus. Before Dom can be killed comma he is saved by a double agent vampire working for HADES. Dom’s team comes in and rescues both of them, and brings them back to Babylon. After Command commander? King reviews the intelligence gathered comma he informs Dom of a new mission. The intel points to an unknown complex believed to be the last known surviving structure of the human government. Why the Tartarus Corporation is so interested in this complex is unknown, but they need to find out first. this doesn't really make sense Dom and his team head to old world old-world Europe to hopefully rally the Helsing Knights, the last group of free human resistance fighters to their cause. During this time, Dom and Kala start to develop a romance between each other. telling rather than showing It’s been hundreds of years since Dom let anyone in, but he is slowly opening up to Kala. The Helsing Knights agree to join Dom on their mission, and they all head towards the complex, hoping it will provide an answer to what happened to the planet.
They arrive at the complex, and are briefed by the Virtual Reality (V.R) shouldn't there be another period after the R? guardian Veronika who gives them details on the complex’s origin, and history. Veronika tells Dom and the rest of the crew that a barrier around the planet is the causes is the cause for the constant black sky, and can superfluous can it can be deactivated from a space station in orbit. The deactivation sequence can only be started by a clone, Adam 2 a cybernetic sapien. which is what now? They indefinite pronoun all take a transport cruiser built to get through the barrier around the planet. Once they arrive at the space station, they deactivate all of the beacons in orbit, except the final one which is somewhere on Earth.
Kala double crosses them, revealing that she’s been working for Casticus all along. but of course! though why wouldn't she betray them before they deactivate the beacons... (or do the vamps want that, confused) and wait, wasn't she locked up for 600 years? when did she have time to become a double agent? She takes Dom, unnecessary comma and the rest of his team as prisoners aboard an incoming ship full of Tartarus agents. Veronika is able to gain access to the ships missing apostrophe systems, unnecessary comma and free everyone, directing them to an escape shuttle which they use to escape, and head back to the complex. run on sentenceThe ship Kala, Kala is a ship now? Or do you mean "The ship Kala and the Tartarus agents... and the Tartarus agents are on is armed to self-destruct which kills them all. A shaky ride through the Earth’s atmosphere and a crashed landing brings Dom and his team back into the complex, where they must fight one of the commanders of the Tartarus Corporation. A major battles ensures ensues? with Dom being the victor, the rest of the sentence is grammatically incorrect and heading towards the location of the final beacon, the Tartarus Corporation stronghold in the middle of the city, and they head there to confront Casticus, and activate the final beacon.
Once inside the Tartarus stronghold comma! please! commas after dependent clauses, "After doing x, y blah blah blah" multiple battles take place as they indefinite pronoun, and who is left alive now anyway? work their way up? each floor to the top penthouse, where the they? fight the Anti-christ Casticus, eventually killing him. Dom activates the beacon, and escapes the city as the beacon is activated. repeating the word activate The barriers not only bring back the sun, unnecessary comma and the blue sky, but a terra-forming process is underway. The evacuation of humanity takes place, and they will wait out the terra-forming process for a year on the space station. Dom learns of one last city with a population of humans in it. Located in old world Tokyo the beginning part of this should have been included in the previous sentence and they head towards the last city. Dom reflects on everything that happens as they start to fly, and he stares up at the stars in the sky as their they're flying towards their last mission.
Time to bust out the red pen! You can do it!