Nathan Bransford - The Forums

atdeluca wrote:----

Dear [AGENT],

Nicholas Pierce is missing five years of his life. Great hook.

Thankfully, the rest of his life is completely satisfactory. Now you lost me. Explain that he can't remember five years of his life, and what five years. Childhood? Adulthood?His obsessive compulsive disorder is in check, his job is adequate, and his family is supportive. Yes, for Nicholas Pierce, life is just fine, thank you very much. I would cut this last sentence to help your word count.

Fate, however, doesn't think he should get off so easily. Cut. Doesn't add anything. Keep the word count as low as possible.

When an unexplained package shows up on his front step, Nicholas' forgotten childhood comes knocking on the door Did someone actually knock when they left the package?. Nothing but a locked box and cryptic note, Nicholas must decide whether to dismiss the delivery as a mistake or pursue his forgotten biological family and the unknown cause of his mind's void. What's in the cryptic note? Be specific there. Make me care too. I can assume it's about his other family - but what about them?

In a most uncharacteristic turn of events, Nicholas decides to hit the road with little more than an iPod and atlas to show him the way. Again, WHY? What's in that note? What's compelling him to do this if it's "uncharacteristic"?

Without a car of his own, Nicholas turns to his only friend, an eccentric barista at the local cafe who claims he can speak to animals (he cannot) If he's got a supportive family, why does he have to borrow his friend's car?. Together they set off on what unexpectedly evolves into a cross country search for answers, crossing paths with a diverse collection of individuals that lead them along the way. From the cat lady with an unfortunate allergy, to a devout voodoo practitioner, to surprisingly holy highwaymen, Nicholas and company get a glimpse of America normally left unseen as they search for answers about his mysterious past.

The Extraordinary Tale of Nicholas Pierce is a mainstream novel of 60,000 words.

My debut novel, [PREVIOUS NOVEL], is a 2010 [REGION OF US] Book Award nominee and I have written for [MAGAZINE] as well as numerous blogs Agents will want to know who published your first book.. Additionally I am 21, ambitious, online, and marketable I don't think they care. Stick with the query.. You can read about my adventures delving into the world of writing at www.[WEBSITE].com. Upon request, I am prepared to provide the complete manuscript. For word count's sake, you could cut this last sentence. They know (and hope) that it's a complete novel, and obviously you want to send it to them.

Thank you for taking the time to consider representing my work. I look forward to hearing from you.

atdeluca wrote:
Nicholas Pierce is missing five years of his life.

For reasons unknown, his early childhood is inexplicably forgotten. Thankfully, his rest of his life has been completely satisfactory. His obsessive compulsive disorder is in check, his job is adequate, and his adoptive family is loving.

When an unexplained package shows up on his front step, Nicholas' forgotten childhood comes knocking on the door. Nothing but a locked box and cryptic note that suggests he ask his true parents for the key, Nicholas must decide whether to dismiss the delivery as a mistake or pursue his forgotten biological family and the unknown cause of his mind's void.

Driven by an unsatisfied curiosity, Nicholas decides to hit the road with little more than an atlas to show him the way.

Without a car of his own,

Nicholas turns to his only friend, an eccentric barista at the local cafe who claims he can speak to animals (he cannot).

Together they set off on what unexpectedly evolves

into a cross country search for answers, crossing paths with a diverse collection of individuals that lead them along the way.

From the cat lady with an unfortunate allergy, to a devout voodoo practitioner, to surprisingly holy highwaymen, Nicholas and company get a glimpse of America normally left unseen as they search for answers about his mysterious past.

The Extraordinary Tale of Nicholas Pierce is a mainstream novel of 60,000 words.

My previous independent novel, [TITLE] (PUBLISHER 2009), is a 2010 New England Book Award nominee and I have written for Boston's Weekly Dig

as well as numerous blogs. Additionally I am 21, ambitious, online, and marketable. You can read about my adventures delving into the world of writing at http://www.WEBSITE.com. Upon request, I am prepared to provide the complete manuscript.

atdeluca wrote:UPDATE: NEW EDITS

Hey gang! Take a look :) PS: Former marketing student here so the end bit might be a little unconventional but in the 2010 market I thought it would be relevant. I mean agent's are looking for someone who can help them make money, right?


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[AGENT],

Nicholas Pierce is missing five years of his life. i like this opening line, it's a good hook, even though I must admit that amnesia irks me as being a much abused and overused plot contrivance, but that's not to say new & unique things can't be written about it

For reasons unknown, his early childhood is inexplicably forgotten. not bad but it feels a bit redundant, if it's inexplicable, well then of course the reasons are unknown, i would say one or the other but not both Thankfully, his "the" here would read betterrest of his life has been completely satisfactory. His obsessive compulsive disorder is in check, his job is adequate, and his adoptive family is loving.

When an unexplained package shows up on his front step, Nicholas' forgotten childhood comes knocking on the door. Nothing but a locked box and cryptic note that suggests he ask his true parents for the key, i think these two clauses could be linked better, feels a bit awkward Nicholas must decide whether to dismiss the delivery as a mistake or pursue his forgotten biological family and the unknown cause of his mind's void. "mind's void" feels too writerly sometimes it's better to repeat a word than sound forced

Driven by an unsatisfied unsatisfied feels unnecessary curiosity, Nicholas decides to hit the road with little more than an atlas to show him the way.

Without a car of his own, Nicholas turns to his only friend, an eccentric barista at the local cafe who claims he can speak to animals (he cannot). Together they set off on what unexpectedly why unexpectedly? he brings an atlas not a road map and is looking for his biological family? seems he was expecting this after all evolves into a cross country cross-country maybe? search for answers, crossing paths with a diverse collection of individuals that lead them along the way. From the cat lady with an unfortunate allergy, to a devout voodoo practitioner, to surprisingly holy highwaymen, Nicholas and company get a glimpse of America normally left unseen as they search for answers about his mysterious past.

The Extraordinary Tale of Nicholas Pierce generally I believe the practice is to capitalize the title is a mainstream novel of 60,000 words. don't know too much about mainstream novels but 60,000 seems a bit short

My previous independent novel, [TITLE] (PUBLISHER 2009), is a 2010 New England Book Award nominee and I have written for Boston's Weekly Dig as well as numerous blogs. Additionally I am 21, ambitious, online, and marketable. i might rephrase this to say that you have an online presence, and leave out age and ambitiousness, also, if you have a degree in marketing i think that could be mentioned, generally it's wise to leave out unnecessary info but the marketing degree could be helpful and show you are market savy in a more factual understated way You can read about my adventures delving into the world of writing at http://www.WEBSITE.com. Upon request, I am prepared to provide the complete manuscript.

Thank you for taking the time to consider representing my work.

atdeluca wrote:Dear AGENT,

Nicholas Pierce is missing five years of his life.nice hook

When an unexplained package shows up on his front step, Nicholas' forgotten childhood comes knocking at the doorwhere else would they knock?. With nothing but a locked box and cryptic note that suggests he ask his true parents for the key, Nicholas must decide whether to dismiss the delivery as a mistakeWhy would he think it's a mistake? Was it not addressesed to him? I could see if he dismissed it out of distrust or lack of interest or pursue his forgotten biological family and the unknown cause of his mind's void.

Driven by curiosity, Nicholas decides to hit the road with little more than an atlas to show him the way.Not exactly with just an atlas because in the next paragraph you say he brings his friend

Without a car, Nicholas turns to his only friend, an eccentric barista at the local cafe who claims he can converse with animals (he cannot). Together they set off on what evolves into a cross country search for his biological parents, stumbling upon a diverse collection of individuals that lead them along the way. From the cat lady with an unfortunate allergy, to a devout voodoo practitioner, to surprisingly holy highwaymen that leave them with little more than the clothes on their backs, Nicholas and company get a glimpse of America normally left unseen as they journey to uncover his mysterious past.

THE EXTRAORDINARY TALE OF NICHOLAS PIERCE is a mainstream novel of 60,000 words.This is a bit short for mainstream. It's fine to say there's work out there that is of similar length, but they are an exception not a rule. I don't think an agent would reject based on a slightly low word count but be prepared to have an agent suggest filling it out a bit more.

My previous independent novel, TITLE (PUBLISHER 2009), is a 2010 New England Book Award nominee Anyone can be nominated and anyone can nominate in this contest. It ONLY matters if you were a finalist or won. It's like saying you were a semi-finalist in the ABNA so were tons of other books and it doesn't mean anything unless you make it to the final round I have written for Boston's Weekly Dig as well as numerous blogsEveryone is a blogger now. Did you contribute once or are you a regular contributor? Is the Boston Weekly Dig a prestigious website or e-zine? Who exactly is reading it? Having looked at the site I'd hesitate to put it in a business letter to an agent. . I am a candidate for a 2011 B.S. in Marketing from Northeastern University.saying candidate makes it sound as if you've been selected and are going to win it. You are working towards your B.S in marketing at the Northeastern University. I can see including this because an agent would want to know that you are prepared to market yourself. That said your website better be really good if you're claiming to have knowledge of marketing. You can read about my adventures delving into the world of writing at WEBSITE.

Thank you for taking the time to consider representing my work.

atdeluca wrote:What John?!

atdeluca wrote:New version!!!
Dear AGENT,

Nicholas Pierce is missing five years of his life.

When an unexplained package shows up on his front step, Nicholas' I know this is technically correct for the possessive, but you might consider "Nicholas's". I honestly don't know which agents would prefer, but it is easier to read with the "s", and they usually like easy. Also, that is what Strunk & White recommend, but I don't know if they've been deposed as gods yet or not.forgotten childhood comes knocking. With nothing but a locked box and cryptic note that suggests he ask his true parents for the key, Nicholas must decide whether to dismiss the delivery out of distrust or pursue his forgotten biological family and the unknown cause of his mind's void.

Driven by curiosity, Nicholas decides to hit the road. It seems unclear to me why this would necessitate a road trip. Did the box come from some far off place, or did he just grow up somewhere else?

Without a car, Nicholas turns to his only friend, an eccentric barista at the local cafe who claims he can converse with animals (he cannot). Haha, I like this. Together they set off on what evolves into a cross country search for his biological parents, stumbling upon a diverse collection of individuals that lead them along the way. From the cat lady with an unfortunate allergy, to a devout voodoo practitioner, to surprisingly holy highwaymen that leave them with little more than the clothes on their backs, Nicholas and company get a glimpse of America normally left unseen as they journey to uncover his mysterious past.

THE EXTRAORDINARY TALE OF NICHOLAS PIERCE is a mainstream novel of 60,000 words.

I have written for Boston's Weekly Dig and have contributed regularly to several high-traffic blogs. I am a candidate for a 2011 B.S. in Marketing from Northeastern University. You can read about my adventures delving into the world of writing at WEBSITE.

Thank you for taking the time to consider representing my work.

atdeluca wrote:NEW VERSION!

Dear AGENT,

Nicholas Pierce is missing five years of his life.

When an unexplained package shows up on his front step,

Nicholas' forgotten childhood comes knocking.

With nothing but a locked box and cryptic note that suggests he ask his true parents for the key, Nicholas must decide whether to dismiss the delivery out of distrust or pursue his forgotten biological family and the unknown cause of his mind's void.

Driven by curiosity, Nicholas decides to drive to his birthplace in order to shed light on the life he can't remember.

Without a car, Nicholas turns to his only friend, an eccentric barista at the local café who claims he can converse with animals (he cannot). Together they set off on what evolves into a cross country search for his biological parents,

with Nicholas struggling to manage his obsessive compulsive disorder along the way.

From the cat lady with an unfortunate allergy, to a voodoo practitioner, to surprisingly holy highwaymen that leave them with little more than the shirts on their backs,

each new encounter brings the unusual companions one step closer to uncovering Nicholas' mysterious past.

THE EXTRAORDINARY TALE OF NICHOLAS PIERCE is a commercial novel of 60,000 words.

I have written for Boston's Weekly Dig (circulation: 40,000) and have contributed regularly to several high-traffic entertainment and corporate blogs. I am a candidate for a 2011 B.S. in Marketing from Northeastern University.

You can read about my adventures delving into the world of writing at WEBSITE.

Thank you for taking the time to consider representing my work.