2nd Rewrite: The Oracle's Revenge (Thriller Fantasy)
Posted: July 15th, 2010, 11:21 am
This is the second rewrite of this chapter. I was given the suggestion to show more through dialogue and try to sell Jarv's feelings for Regina better. So here goes:
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Chapter 1
Jarv Guerra awoke on Regina’s side of the bed and heard the sound of her muffled cries coming from inside a squirming pile of blankets on the floor.
Pulling the ear plugs from his ears, he was assaulted by a chain of Italian obscenities. She spoke in a dialect that made it difficult for him to understand everything she said, but he thought he heard her call God a pig and swear against the holy sacraments. She was really pissed off.
Jarv jumped out of bed, got down on his knees, and tried to help untangle Regina from the blankets.
“Bella mia, what happened? Are you okay?”
An arm emerged from a fold in the blankets followed by a head, “Get away from me you…you bestia!”
He was still peeling away the blankets when a second arm appeared from the snarled sheets, struck him on his shoulder, and pushed him away.
“Hey,” he said blocking another blow. “Come on Regina, let me help you.”
“No. Just get away from me, bastardo. You have done enough,” she said and wiggled the rest of the way out of her cocoon.
Scooting back to give her some room, he heard her fire off another rapid burst of colourful phrases under her breath. He didn’t hear any references to God, religion, or his questionable parentage so he hoped that meant she was calming down. As she stood up, Jarv flinched and leaned farther back to avoid a swing that didn’t come. Instead, Regina cupped her elbow with her hand and examined it for signs of injury.
“You see what you did?” she said lifting her elbow towards him. “I am going to have a bruise now.”
Jarv stood up and tried to look at her elbow, but she turned away and pulled it close to her side protecting it with her hand like a child who doesn’t want to share a favourite toy.
“What do you mean, ‘what I did’?”
“You were talking in your sleep again and when I try to make you turn over, you…you roll over towards me and make me fall out of bed and now look-,” she said re-examining her elbow.
Jarv could tell, even in the shadowy light of the bedroom, that tears were beginning to well up in her eyes. He reached out to hug her, but she turned her back on him. He closed his arms around her before she could move away, pulled her close to his body, and spoke softly in her ear, “I’m sorry. I’m so sorry. You know I didn’t do it on purpose. I must have had another one of those damned dreams.”
She made a weak attempt to break free and then stopped. Turning around in his arms, she looked up into his eyes and said, “You really scared me, amore mi. Why do you keep having these dreams? What are they about?
“I don’t know why I’m having the dreams,” he said truthfully and then lied, “and I don’t remember what they're about.”
Trying to change the subject, he said, “Are you, okay? You’re sure you’re not hurt anywhere else?”
“I am okay. Just a little scared.”
“Come on. Let me take a look at your elbow.”
Jarv loosened his grip and she lifted her elbow until it was in front of his face. Looking at it, he didn’t see any marks or bruises. He bent his head forward and kissed it tenderly.
Her face softened and he could see the faint outline of a smile forming on her lips.
“I am sorry that I said those terrible thing,” she said. “If my father heard me, he would make me go to confession.”
Reaching up, he lightly brushed a strand of her wavy auburn hair out of her gray-green eyes. The moonlight washed over her delicate face in a way that reminded Jarv of an angel he saw in a painting ; only his angel had freckles.
“It was my fault, okay? You have nothing to be sorry about. Besides, I kind of think it’s sexy when you talk that way. But if you still need to go to confession, we might as well give you something good to confess,” he said before kissing her.
They remained lost in their kiss for a long while before moving to the bed where they found ways to spice up Regina’s confession.
_____________
Chapter 1
Jarv Guerra awoke on Regina’s side of the bed and heard the sound of her muffled cries coming from inside a squirming pile of blankets on the floor.
Pulling the ear plugs from his ears, he was assaulted by a chain of Italian obscenities. She spoke in a dialect that made it difficult for him to understand everything she said, but he thought he heard her call God a pig and swear against the holy sacraments. She was really pissed off.
Jarv jumped out of bed, got down on his knees, and tried to help untangle Regina from the blankets.
“Bella mia, what happened? Are you okay?”
An arm emerged from a fold in the blankets followed by a head, “Get away from me you…you bestia!”
He was still peeling away the blankets when a second arm appeared from the snarled sheets, struck him on his shoulder, and pushed him away.
“Hey,” he said blocking another blow. “Come on Regina, let me help you.”
“No. Just get away from me, bastardo. You have done enough,” she said and wiggled the rest of the way out of her cocoon.
Scooting back to give her some room, he heard her fire off another rapid burst of colourful phrases under her breath. He didn’t hear any references to God, religion, or his questionable parentage so he hoped that meant she was calming down. As she stood up, Jarv flinched and leaned farther back to avoid a swing that didn’t come. Instead, Regina cupped her elbow with her hand and examined it for signs of injury.
“You see what you did?” she said lifting her elbow towards him. “I am going to have a bruise now.”
Jarv stood up and tried to look at her elbow, but she turned away and pulled it close to her side protecting it with her hand like a child who doesn’t want to share a favourite toy.
“What do you mean, ‘what I did’?”
“You were talking in your sleep again and when I try to make you turn over, you…you roll over towards me and make me fall out of bed and now look-,” she said re-examining her elbow.
Jarv could tell, even in the shadowy light of the bedroom, that tears were beginning to well up in her eyes. He reached out to hug her, but she turned her back on him. He closed his arms around her before she could move away, pulled her close to his body, and spoke softly in her ear, “I’m sorry. I’m so sorry. You know I didn’t do it on purpose. I must have had another one of those damned dreams.”
She made a weak attempt to break free and then stopped. Turning around in his arms, she looked up into his eyes and said, “You really scared me, amore mi. Why do you keep having these dreams? What are they about?
“I don’t know why I’m having the dreams,” he said truthfully and then lied, “and I don’t remember what they're about.”
Trying to change the subject, he said, “Are you, okay? You’re sure you’re not hurt anywhere else?”
“I am okay. Just a little scared.”
“Come on. Let me take a look at your elbow.”
Jarv loosened his grip and she lifted her elbow until it was in front of his face. Looking at it, he didn’t see any marks or bruises. He bent his head forward and kissed it tenderly.
Her face softened and he could see the faint outline of a smile forming on her lips.
“I am sorry that I said those terrible thing,” she said. “If my father heard me, he would make me go to confession.”
Reaching up, he lightly brushed a strand of her wavy auburn hair out of her gray-green eyes. The moonlight washed over her delicate face in a way that reminded Jarv of an angel he saw in a painting ; only his angel had freckles.
“It was my fault, okay? You have nothing to be sorry about. Besides, I kind of think it’s sexy when you talk that way. But if you still need to go to confession, we might as well give you something good to confess,” he said before kissing her.
They remained lost in their kiss for a long while before moving to the bed where they found ways to spice up Regina’s confession.