Nathan Bransford - The Forums

Hello, all! I'm looking for some feedback on the first page of my epic fantasy WIP. Compliments, criticisms, and screams of "Dear God, WHY?" are all welcome. (Don't worry, I brought my big girl panties. +5 to stoic acceptance.)

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I wake up to a sharp poke in the ribs.

"Get up, you lazy thing," someone hisses.

I turn over and open my eyes. To judge by the few dim trickles of light, it must be just before dawn. A dusky silhouette sits on the edge of my bed. Noor, I think blearily. My eyes haven't adjusted to the twilight, but I know that she is grinning at me.

"It's early," I groan. "Go away."

"No chance. Trust me, you don’t want to miss this."

I groan again in response, then sit up. Noor bounces with excitement. Has my father come to visit? No, it can't be -- he isn't due for another two months, at least. I must look baffled, because Noor's grin widens.

"Don’t you want to know what’s happening?" she asks.

I roll my eyes. "Of course."

"One of the maids found a corbie in the garden. They're bringing her inside right now!"

Now I'm completely awake. I scramble out of bed and dash for the door, with Noor close behind me. A corbie, here? I've heard the tales about them -- everyone has -- but I've never actually seen one. They rarely leave Felvane Forest, and no one from Amgovar has been able to go there since the current war began. So what could a corbie possibly want in the garden of Tavor Castle before dawn?

We run down the corridor, our bare feet slapping against the stones. The skirts of our dressing gowns fly out behind us as we turn the corner.

Hi Elsinora,
I think your sense of pacing is good, but for an opening scene, you spend too much time with the protagonist lounging in bed. If you want to start in media res, I'd suggest cutting the first 8 paragraphs and starting with Noor rushing into MC's bedroom and announcing that a corbie has been captured and is being dragged into the castle.

This leads to my other comment: I need more visual description to ground the scene. You want to create some immediate empathy, or at least interest, in your protagonist, but it's not clear whether it's a male or female, human or other creature, etc., so it's hard to get invested in the characters here. I can certainly feel Noor's excitement and MC's curiosity, but I can't "see" them. I think if you start further into the scene, you'll feel you have more space on the first page to insert some visual description. For instance, you could have Noor rush in to announce the corbie, then include a brief description of how she looks when she comes into the bedroom (both the physical description and maybe a gesture showing her excitement, like her wide-eyed stare or ear-to-ear grin). Then a very short sentence or two about MC shaking away the sleep and leaping out of bed, maybe brushing MC's hair out of his/her face (or something like that that is both a gesture and opportunity to slide in a physical description). And then jump into the paragraph about the corbies, the forest, etc.

Overall, though, I think your writing is smooth and easy-to-read, and I'm curious what happens next. If you decide to keep the scene as is, I've included some comments in-line in the quoted text below. Hope that helps.

Elsinora wrote:
I wake up to a sharp poke in the ribs.

"Get up, you lazy thing," someone hisses. "Hisses" sounds sinister, but it turns out to be misleading because we soon find out that it's the protagonist's friend. I think you're looking to convey mischief, rather than a threat? Since we don't know who it is yet, anyway, I think I'd go with no dialogue tag at all.

I turn over and open my eyes. To judge by the few dim trickles of light, it must be just before dawn. Like this sentence. A dusky silhouette sits on the edge of my bed. Noor, I think blearily. My eyes haven't adjusted to the twilight, but I know that she is grinning at me. At this point, I'd like at least a brief description of what Noor looks like. All I know is Noor is female. but is she human? Some other creature, since this is a fantasy? You don't have to give a full description, but since this scene is about these two characters, I'd like a little grounding detail so I can imagine it in my head.

"It's early," I groan. I don't think you need a dialogue tag here. It's pretty clear it's MC speaking, since MC is the one who's just been woken up. And the groaning is implied by what MC says. "Go away." Same thing as above. I need a short visual description so I know who the protagonist is and what she or he looks like.

"No chance. Trust me, you don’t want to miss this."

I groan again in response, then sit up. Noor bounces with excitement. You don't need to say "with excitement," since it is implied by the bouncing. If you feel you need more here, you could add a detail about where she's bouncing: on the mattress, on the stone floor, or something like that. Has my father come to visit? No, it can't be -- he isn't due for another two months, at least. I must look baffled, because Noor's grin widens.

"Don’t you want to know what’s happening?" she asks.

I roll my eyes. "Of course."

"One of the maids found a corbie in the garden. They're bringing her inside right now!" Good. I can feel Noor's excitement here.

Now I'm completely awake. I scramble out of bed and dash for the door, with Noor close behind me. A corbie, here? I've heard the tales about them -- everyone has Maybe insert a brief line here that hints at what these tales are about? Are corbies dangerous? Magical? Good luck and rare like unicorns? It will help draw the reader in and get him/her excited, too, if the reader knows what s/he should be excited about -- but I've never actually seen one. They rarely leave Felvane Forest, and no one from Amgovar has been able to go there since the current war began. So what could a corbie possibly want in the garden of Tavor Castle before dawn? Corbies sound dangerous or at least unpredictable or precious... so why are the maids dragging it inside? Shouldn't it be someone more powerful doing that? Or was it a maid who found it, but someone else is bringing it in?

We run down the corridor, our bare feet slapping against the stones. I like the effortless description of sound here, which also paints a clear picture with very few words. The skirts of our dressing gowns fly out behind us as we turn the corner.

Elsinora wrote:Hello, all! I'm looking for some feedback on the first page of my epic fantasy WIP. Compliments, criticisms, and screams of "Dear God, WHY?" are all welcome. (Don't worry, I brought my big girl panties. +5 to stoic acceptance.)

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I wake up to a sharp poke in the ribs.

Omit "sharp" as being substantially implied by "poke". The adjective is diminishing the verb.

"Get up, you lazy thing," someone hisses.

Someone cannot hiss this. Try it and see. Hissing requires "s" words, to be a believable dialog tag.

I turn over and open my eyes. To judge by the few dim trickles of light, it must be just before dawn.

"Dim trickles of light" doesn't work for me. I can't imagine light in a dim trickle.

A dusky silhouette sits on the edge of my bed. Noor, I think blearily. My eyes haven't adjusted to the twilight, but I know that she is grinning at me.

"Think blearily" feels awkward. How about omitting that sentence and simply say "but I know Noor is grinning at me."

"It's early," I groan. "Go away."

Suggest omitting "It's early" as it doesn't seem believable (or memorable) for your main character's first words. Nor does it give us new info. Start with "go away".

"No chance. Trust me, you don’t want to miss this."

This sounds too hip and modern for an epic fantasy, and it's too wordy for believable dialog here. Can you shorten and check the voice?

I groan again in response, then

Omit as repetitive without poetic benefit, and also, "in response" seems a given.

sit up. Noor bounces with excitement. Has my father come to visit? No, it can't be -- he isn't due for another two months, at least. I must look baffled, because Noor's grin widens.

You can safely omit "No, it can't be" and "I must look baffled" as they are unneeded and slow the pace.

"Don’t you want to know what’s happening?" she asks.

I roll my eyes. "Of course."

Omit as it is slowing the story without adding much suspense.

"One of the maids found a corbie in the garden. They're bringing her inside right now!"

Intriguing. Good hook.

Now I'm completely awake.

Omit as unneeded and slowing the action.

I scramble out of bed and dash for the door, with Noor close behind me.

Here's the action.

Omit comma after "door".

A corbie, here?

Omit "here" as it lessens the drama; we already know it is here. "A corbie?" Much stronger. We know she knows it's here.

I've heard the tales about them -- everyone has -- but I've never actually seen one. They rarely leave Felvane Forest, and no one from Amgovar has been able to go there since the current war began.

Omit "current" as redundant to "began" which implies currently in progress.

So what could a corbie possibly want in the garden of Tavor Castle before dawn?

Stronger and possibly more accurate might be "what could a corbie be doing in the garden..."

Isn't the essential question why is it there, rather than what does it want? At least from your protagonist's limited view and knowledge? For all he or she knows the corgi was brought there and doesn't want anything except to get the heck out of there.

Speaking of he or she, is there any way for you to clarify for the reader who your protag is, whether a boy, girl, man, woman, troll, etc, early on page one? Could you have Noor say "wake up you lazy girl" instead of "you lazy thing"?

We run down the corridor, our bare feet slapping against the stones. The skirts of our dressing gowns fly out behind us as we turn the corner.

Good but suggest omitting "against". Simply slapping the stones seems stronger.

Well, what is a corbie?

I agree with the previous comments--good pacing, but I also suggest you start just a few minutes later, that is, not having the protagonist start the story by being awakened. I only suggest this because I've heard so many agents complain that starting the story like this is pretty cliched. You could easily have her doing something else when Noor comes in with the news about the corby.

I really liked the way the presence of the corby was introduced, but I started to get overwhelmed with all the names/locations being dropped. By the time you have the protag thinking about what the corby could be doing in the garden of Tavor Castle, I was thinking "would this person really be thinking that formally and informatively?" It felt a little forced, like you just really wanted to tell the reader where this was taking place right away. Could any of this info be dropped casually in the next few pages? A little more gradually and naturally?

Elsinora wrote:
I wake up to a sharp poke in the ribs.

"Get up, you lazy thing," someone hisses.

I turn over and open my eyes. To judge by the few dim trickles of light, it must be just before dawn. A dusky silhouette sits on the edge of my bed. Noor, I think blearily. My eyes haven't adjusted to the twilight, but I know that she is grinning at me.

"It's early," I groan. "Go away."

"No chance. Trust me, you don’t want to miss this."

I groan again in response, then sit up. Noor bounces with excitement. Has my father come to visit? No, it can't be -- he isn't due for another two months, at least. I must look baffled, because Noor's grin widens.

"Don’t you want to know what’s happening?" she asks.

I roll my eyes. "Of course."

"One of the maids found a corbie in the garden. They're bringing her inside right now!"

Now I'm completely awake. I scramble out of bed and dash for the door, with Noor close behind me. A corbie, here? I've heard the tales about them -- everyone has -- but I've never actually seen one. They rarely leave Felvane Forest, and no one from Amgovar has been able to go there since the current war began. So what could a corbie possibly want in the garden of Tavor Castle before dawn?

We run down the corridor, our bare feet slapping against the stones. The skirts of our dressing gowns fly out behind us as we turn the corner.

I won't repeat the other good feedback you've gotten so far, but here...

Now I'm completely awake. I scramble out of bed and dash for the door, with Noor close behind me. A corbie, here? I've heard the tales about them -- everyone has -- but I've never actually seen one. They rarely leave Felvane Forest, and no one from Amgovar has been able to go there since the current war began. So what could a corbie possibly want in the garden of Tavor Castle before dawn?

...if you start with, A corbie? Here? then maybe scramble out of bed and explain why it's strange to have a corbie around. Show that jolt your protagonist feels--ignite that emotion into action. (And I do think you need the word "here" to show where your character is coming from.)

Thanks everyone for the great feedback! I can't believe I didn't catch that "hisses" before posting -- I have a serious problem with dialogue tags that I'm trying to fix. (I recently discovered that one of my characters growls, grunts, barks, and snaps, all in the course of ONE PAGE. A human character, I might add. Sigh.) I'll post a revised version when I have one.

As for what a corbie is, "corbie" is actually a racial slur (although MC doesn't know this) for a race who call themselves the volkari. Basically, they're a winged, non-mammalian, androgynous humanoid race and were the original residents of the island that is now divided into the human kingdoms of Amgovar and Cathys. The volkari are also magic users, although their religious principles prohibit them from using their magic to harm others or to peek at the future. (As with any religious group, though, many volkari bend or outright break the rules.) When the humans from the mainland came to settle the island, they attempted to convert and "civilize" the volkari, which the volkari resisted. The humans won the ensuing war and colonized the island, leaving only Felvane Forest (a corruption of its volkaril name, Felvangor,) under volkari control.

In the present day of the story, the governments of Amgovar and Cathys have relatively polite formal relations with the volkari leader, but most humans consider the "corbies" an inferior and evil group, and volkari have almost no rights outside of Felvane. In human legend, they are mostly villains, putting curses on people and killing human children for their religious rituals. The volkari, for their part, are not monolithic in their attitudes toward humans. Some are isolationists, some want greater acceptance and integration into human society, some want to be recognized formally as their own country and government, and some want to drive the humans off the island entirely and return to how things were before they came. (The volkari who just materialized in the garden would fall into the separatist group.)

Wow, that was much more information than you probably wanted -- it's my first stab at writing a novel and I'm a bit overexcited, sorry. Long story short, they're a fantasy race that use magic and draw a little from the plight of medieval Jewry and colonized, native ethnic groups (but bear no relation whatsoever to dragons, elves, hobbits, orcs, or dwarves, thankyouverymuch).