Page critique 3/28/24

[Nathan Bransford]

Below is the page up for critique on the blog on Thursday. Feel free to chime in with comments, create your own redline (please note the "font colour" button above the posting box, which looks like a drop of ink), and otherwise offer feedback. When offering your feedback, please please remember to be polite and constructive. In order to leave a comment you will need to register an account in the Forums, which should be self-explanatory.

I'll be back later with my own post on the blog and we'll literally be able to compare notes.

If you'd like to enter a page for a future Page Critique, please do so here.

Title: MCGUIRES TO THE MOON
Genre: Middle Grade Action/Adventure

All eyes are on me right now, and I have to look cool. I leap into the air and try not to wince as the ball hits my hands with the sting of a thousand bees. I smack it away, blocking the final penalty kick and sealing the tournament win for my seventh-grade soccer team.

Wow. I kind of can’t believe I just did that. I usually screw up everything.

I punch the air in rapid fire and hike my knees up from side to side. The crowd jumps to their feet and cheers me on as I ramp up my little boxing cowboy victory dance. I’ve been working on it in my room when nobody’s looking.

“Ben! Ben! Ben!” My friends and two little brothers jump up and shout from the stands. But mid-hip swing, I look up and spot a growing brown cloud heading toward the soccer field. It looks to be about a mile out, which means everyone at the game has five minutes to scram, at best. I freeze on the spot and feel the color draining from my face. My younger brothers recognize my sudden shift to panic mode and turn to see what I’ve just laid eyes on.

“Dust storm!” the referee yells at the top of his lungs. It’s a biggie. Everyone in the stands starts freaking out. Moms grab babies, dads dash to fire up minivans, and the ref falls to his knees and starts crying. So much for crushing it at the game. We’re all about to get crushed for real if we don’t high-tail it outta there.

Time to put on a brave face and act like I’ve got this.