Query critique 2/8/24

[Nathan Bransford]

Want to see how your editing approach compares to mine?

Below is the query up for critique on the blog on Thursday. Feel free to chime in with comments, create your own redline (please note the "font colour" button above the posting box, which looks like a drop of ink), and otherwise offer feedback. When offering your feedback, please please remember to be polite and constructive. In order to leave a comment you will need to register an account in the Forums, which should be self-explanatory.

I'll be back with my own post on the blog and we'll literally be able to compare notes.

Dear ___,

On Manuscript Wishlist, I saw you are seeking historical fiction featuring extraordinary stories that have never been told involving family dynamics, relationships, and love. I thought you might enjoy my book, which grapples with those subjects, and due to the physical and mental handicaps of one of the characters, also explores the experience of otherness you mentioned an interest in.

Starz series The Spanish Princess meets Phantom of the Opera in a novel about Elisabeth de Valois, the oldest daughter of Henri II and Catherine de Médici. Fifteen-year-old Elisabeth is eager to marry her betrothed, Don Carlos, heir to the Spanish throne, until she is forced to wed his father, King Felipe, instead.

When Elisabeth first arrives in Spain, Felipe treats her coldly and insists she leave all French customs behind. She finds a confidante in Don Carlos, whose limp and stutter have always shamed his father. Their friendship blossoms into romance, but as Felipe begins to treat her with respect and even affection, Elisabeth realizes she is betraying not only her husband, but her duty before God. She breaks Don Carlos’ heart, and in time, grows to love Felipe sincerely, although she fears his wrath should he ever find out her secret.

When Don Carlos suffers a head injury that renders him mentally unstable, his love for Elisabeth becomes an obsession. Although Elisabeth is frightened by his increasingly erratic behavior, she believes the Don Carlos who was once her closest friend is still there, buried within his troubled psyche, and blames herself for encouraging his affection in the first place. Months later, Don Carlos dies, and Elisabeth believes he has taken their secret to the grave. When Elisabeth’s worst fears are realized and Felipe finds evidence of his son’s feelings for her, he vows to cease all prayers for Don Carlos’ soul. She must decide whether to tell Felipe the whole truth, rescuing Don Carlos from eternal damnation, or to save herself and everything she holds dear.

Through the testing of her loyalties, not only to Felipe and Don Carlos, but to her family name, the Inquisition, and the dictates of her conscience, Elisabeth finds love, redemption, and her true identity.

THE QUEEN’S ALLEGIANCE is a 103,400-word work of historical fiction, told from the points of view of Elisabeth, Felipe, and Don Carlos. It will appeal to readers of C. W. Gortner’s The Last Queen and Sophie Perinot’s Medici’s Daughter, which were written about relatives of Elisabeth.

I am an active member of HNSNA. When I’m not writing, I’m managing software implementation projects for higher education customers, reading or watching as much historical fiction as I can get my hands on, and spending time with my husband.

Sincerely,

[Fifixt]

This query letter offers a compelling glimpse into a historical fiction novel that seems rich with drama and intrigue. The premise of the story, revolving around the marriage of Elisabeth de Valois to King Felipe of Spain, is intriguing and promises to explore themes of love, duty, and betrayal.


a small world cup